Dear Faith

“Once bitten twice shy” give this man a wide wide berth. His porn choices may not be illegal and whether or not the brain tumor has compromised his judgement. He is not a person that you want around your daughter, so be thankful that you have found out about this issue before you got sucked back into a toxic relationship.

You may need professional counselling to help you heal from this.

Best wishes

Roberta

Dear Steve

How wonderful that you have found the Dharma.  It is natural to want to share the joys you are discovering especially with our loved ones and it can be frustrating & lonely when they don’t seem interested.

I am the only buddhist in our family but I too look for similarities in my family & others so that I can connect with them.

When I get a chance I go to Quakers meetings as I find  it a quiet, contemplative & friendly atmosphere.

You should also rejoice that your wife is wise and ethical and maybe when you notice her actively putting these things into practice comment to her positively ie: you really used wise speech in that situation.

I am guessing that she supports you when you take time out to study or practice prayers or meditation if so thank her.

If & when you are struggling with your practice or studies try asking your wife for her input.

Is there a dharma centre or meditation group near you who can offer you a sense of community & support?

Wishing you both all the best

Roberta

Dear Danny

I agree it is good to have a foundation or framework to give your life meaning & guidance. Aspirations are there to help & guide you , not a big stick with which to punish yourself or others.

I also think that Helcat is on the right track with your inner critic running the show.

I have struggled with things that are phrased in the negative like commandments. That shalt not kill so I prefer the offerings of Thich Nat Han. May I keep sentient beings safe, May I be mild of thought speech & manner, May I have integrity in all my relationships, May I keep my judgement clear. Also the phrase May I is gentle and allows for contemplation to think deeply about how that works in real life.

Taking inspiration of the Muslim idea of stopping and praying throughout the day I try to remember to review my actions of the previous few hours and if & when try to rectify where I have been a bit clumsy with myself or others. A slower, gentler, quieter life helps keep me on track with my ideals.

I hope that you continue on the journey of bringing your inner & outer life into align with each other.

Dear Searching

You are embarking on a new stage of your life, take time to find your joy, being in a relationship isnt the be all and end all.

One can still be extremely lonely within a relationship, where as when one becomes comfortable with their own company even when lonelyness rears it ugly head means that you will not be anxious or overly clinging when relationship/friendships do happen.

Are there any courses or group activities in your area that you might like to give a go?  Walking or wild swimming groups are not usually overly large and being outdoors is good for physical & mental health. Also night school classes might have the numbers of people that you would feel comfortable with. Voulenteering is a good way to meet new people and helps to feel connected with your community.

Wishing you all the best

Dear M

I am sorry that your relationship did not pan out the way you first hoped for and you are going thru this confusing time of the thoughts are of wisdom & compassion for both you and her and yet the emotions & feelings arise of wanting the situation to be other than it is.  It appears that she feels comfortable & safe with you, but maybe you can get her a lovely soft teddy bear to cuddle up with instead of you.

The teachings and meditations on Loving Kindness are the ones that helped me when I was in a similar situation for which I am so grateful for and these teachings are now  hopefully part of the foundation of my life. Helping to keep me in align with my aspirations to live a kind & caring life.

Dear Miyoid

Gosh what venom you are poisoning yourself with. No one owns yoga ( people have tried to patent it to no avail).

Hopefully yoga will transform this frenemy and she will embrace the spiritual aspect to grow into a kind & loving being & someone you would be proud to call a friend.

Dear Pooja

I hear pain & tiredness in your comment. It is easy to loose oneself when being the primary caregiver.

I am a primary caregiver too but at the other end looking after an elderly father ( big nappies instead of small nappies)

back in June I got my fist 24hrs to my self in 7+ months I was able to do a 24hr prayer practice ( my joy).

Also booked ( back in May) was 3 day respite for each weekend of August. 3 days before I contacted the care home to confirm time of arrival (of 1st weekend) to be told that there was no room for him and i would not be getting any of my  booked respite this month! It took me a further two & half days to organise a replacement location which was available only for the first weekend and that too could be cancelled before or during my weekend off so I had to stay attached to my mobile phone!. Up shot was that I did not have the time to prepare & organise a retreat for myself and others ( my joy).

I had to let go of my perceived idea of what would bring me satisfaction and instead worked with the weather and any other opportunities that arrived over the weekend. I got many mini moments of joy, contentment & had time to watch a workshop on non violent communication which was very thought provoking & has given me something to work on in realtime as well as downtime.

I hope that you will get your needs met soon.

best wishes

Roberta

Dear Amelia

Dealing with the practicality. Discuss with partner whether he would prefer you to contact the 3rd party asking them not to contact you & then block his number or just block his number. This will give your partner a sense of control and help start to rebuild trust.

What is interesting is that you jumped out of the fat & into the fire.  You may want to have a long cold hard look at what is going on with your relationship to alcohol as it is obvious that it impaired your judgement and also when you are out with your girlfriends is flirting a normal part of an evening out.

You may also want to consider couples counselling to give you tools to help your relationship grow in a healthy manner.