Dear Ocean Shayan

My childhood upbringing was loosely christian, which probably helps me find a initial interfaith dialogue.

Having lived in the same community on & off for nearly 60 years the residents can see how much I have grown & changed in the last 15 +years and as I walk the talk.  I also in general do not discuss the more esoteric aspect of buddhism, but stick to the more psychological stance which now thanks to modern science is becoming mainstream.

I agree it is harder & lonelier not having the support of a local buddhist community, but thanks to the internet I can access lots of teachings and facetime fellow remote friends/practitioners that and the immense wealth  and variety of written material now available means that I can study & practice with relative ease when family commitments allow.

I looked after my grandson 1 morning a week from the age of 3 months and I remember him feeding and sleeping on my lap whilst I did my prayers in the Shrine room, and during lock down I lived with him so he got used to me doing “Buddha Time”.

I wish you and your family all the best on the spiritual journey & hope that you will get the support to allow you all to flourish.

Dear Vee

I am not very good with technology but I would go onto the same app, put up your profile – with out a picture and limited info or info that would not attract many people  ie I am celibate. then after say 48hrs delete then the next day you can check to see if your profile says active, then that way you will have your answer and then you can make the decision whether you really want to continue with this particular relationship.

Hi Wisp

What an amazing chance, yes it can be scary stepping or rather sitting into the unknown (that is finding our true beautiful self).  How long is the retreat, does it have a theme, and how much silence? Also which lineage/ style of buddhism is it? Do you have or were brought up with a particular religion?

Helcat has given you some good starter tips and along with that unless you do yoga, practice the physicality of sitting. You can use a timer say 15 mins max to start with or light a small piece of incense and sit and just watch it burn down. There are instructions on how to sit on youtube I prefer the burmese style as it puts less strain on my ankles & hips.

Going on this retreat will give you the opportunity to deepen your friendship with your friend and give you a chance to meet a group of people who are looking for a kinder gentler way of living.  I have been going on/leading retreats since 2009 and they have varied in length the shortest is a day & the longest is 3 months. Try not to have any expectations and go with an open mind.

best wishes

Roberta

Dear Adam

I tell beginner mediators that it takes  roughly as long to unpick/heal as it has being going on.It is more like an ultra marathon than a hundred meter sprint. So each time you ruminate or daydream on this relationship becoming something it is not, you are actually adding extra  unnecessary distance to the journey.

A technique is to get a clear jar put some water in it  plus a bit of earth and a stick to stir it.

When you think about this woman stir – the water becomes cloudy ( just like your judgement) You can hold it at arms length and  just watch it settle if another thought of her arises  re stir after a while you may recognize that this is hard work!  Eventually you will decide to put the jar down  and not pick it up after the first stir but watch the water clear from a comfortable distance. Thoughts arise and disappear without the need to cling to or repress them.

Also look at Eckart Tolle talk on youtube about the painbody its very interesting and it gave me a different perspective on how to relate to  a certain aspect of my being.

Hi Adam

Now that you are away from an unsatisfactory relationship it is time for you to explore healthy ways of self soothing whilst you heal.

You can use your daydreaming more as a positive  guided visualization meditation. There are many books that supply a different meditation for each day of the year if you are easily bored or if you wish to concentrate on giving up smoking weed (addiction) then a more specific program like the 12 steps might help.

Also is there anything else other than being in a relationship that you would like to achieve or gives you joy in a positive healthy way?

Try spending at least 15 minutes in a natural environment each day.  When ever I am in a city I look for a green space to help decompress me from the stress of being in a busy environment. In one town the closest space to me was a very small graveyard, but it still helped me become centered and grounded. At work I asked by boss if I could install a  small quiet space for myself & co workers in a unused area of the building & since it did not cost them anything they went for it. It was much appreciated by staff & residents alike.

Hi

The Richard Wagamese’s meditation is reminiscent of the feeling that I  very occasionally would get when doing Tai Chi a flow, a connection harmony and balance , still, yet moving allowing everything nothing being rejected.

Dear Tim

There is a difference between being strong and being good. If some one says to you, you are strong and and when you reply that you are not. Surly you might feel that you are not being listened to and actually being seen as strong is a burden because how then can you ask for help?

Dear Adam

Please do not take what I say as a reason to go back into an abusive relationship.

It appears from what you have said that there was a cycle to her.  Woman do have a hormonal cycle and this can exaggerate & trigger behaviors.

Many people do not recognize this and therefore can not take steps to help ease the situation also it can be a very touchy subject as timing is crucial when broaching it.

When I was young there was a couple of days of the month where I was horny as hell ( this clouds judgement) and then about a week or so later it would swing the other way where I was emotional,  but also  could not bare to be touched ( this stage also clouded my judgement). Then my period would arrive (relief ).