Dear Jim

Just because you are both nice people & care for each other does not mean that you have/should to stay in a relationship.

Your girlfriend has complex issues and yes she needs support but from professionals, there is a place in Scotland called Lothlorian House which offers residential places.

Your own anger & frustration will only grow ( which is not healthy for either of you) you will end up not liking yourself.

Emotional blackmail is still emotional blackmail and colluding will only increase its frequency. You can cheerlead her from the sidelines but not get into the scrum.

Best wishes

Roberta

Dear Going Through Life

Thoughts & emotions arise & if not fed pass away fairly quickly.  So it will be natural for your mind to turn to SK in a variety of ways over the coming months. The trick is discern which  ones are helpful and be aware that they can change to unhelpful if pondering/ daydreaming continues for an extended period, if you have seen the film Gremlins, where the characters are cute & cuddly but change into vicious beasties under certain conditions.

At the start of our meditations we say 3 phrases May all beings be happy. May all beings be free from suffering. May they abide in equanimity. this is a shortened simplified version of a traditional Buddhist version.  Would you want SK to be still with you even if she was unhappy in the relationship and conversely would you still want to be in a relationship with SK and you be unhappy?

As for my core values  by my mid 30,s I was single, 2 children had employment & a roof over my head and that was when I asked that question of myself How do I want to live my life? I wrote something flowery like I want to walk gently upon this earth. If I have the choice between doing right and wrong, choose right. If there is  choice is between neutral and  right choose right.  If the choice is between doing wrong & neutral choose neutral. May I treat everyone like a family member. Whizz on a number of years a came across a book on buddhisim and the penny dropped Oh that’s what I am. I had found my home, this has given me a framework  – Study /Contemplation, Meditation & Ethical conduct.

Taking inspiration form the Muslims of stopping through the day at regular intervals for prayers,  doing similar gives me a chance to review my conduct/mind  of the previous few hours and then making amends etc. and re -centres me in my core values this way I am less likely to be swayed from them.

I hope this has answered some of your questions

Kind regards Roberta

Dear Sunoo

Please can I ask why wasn’t one of your options was –  to leave your 5th sister at home and  you come home for the weekends to pick up any chores that your mother is struggling with.  If you found your mum was happy & coping you could expand your commute to once a fortnight or even monthly.

During Covid lockdown I lived with my son daughter in law & grandson. I helped with childcare, washed dishes & did laundry. I had both company & time to myself when ever I pleased. Maybe it is up to your other sisters to sort out how they are going to function & be more supportive if necessary of your mum once you have left home?

Kind regards

Roberta Aged 60+

Dear Sunoo

Please can I ask what makes you think that your mother will not cope/flourish if you are not there.

What are you specifically trying to protect your mother from? ie what do you perceive her burdens to be and has she informed you what she feels her burdens if any are?

Kind regards

Roberta

Dear Worldofthewaterwheels.

Common advice is to join a club doing something you like or volunteering. Both of these activities are good as they take us away from the unrealities of cyberworld and connect us to real people & places. I prefer to volunteer, as clubs can be quite competitive.

Having a negative bias has been  a necessary part of our survival instincts from the beginning of humankind without it we would have become extinct as a species a long time ago.  Most people have no interest in becoming more aware about  how humans function on a biological/psychological scale and therefore just pinball through their lives without considering that a more compassionate and wise way of living is possible for both themselves and or society.  I hope that you will come to feel that the people of Tiny Buddha land are your electronic tribe who compassionately care about each others well-being.

kind regards

roberta

Dear Tessa

What a weight you have on your shoulders and to be honest it appears it is only going to get heavier in some ways, especially your mothers condition.

I guess you need firstly is to sit down and think how you can support your father without endangering your own health both mentally, physically & financially. ie you could decide to say every other Sunday you purchase food & cook for the family and do other household chores. Doing this with a good heart is the best gift you can give your family.

I agree with manbuddha’s comments a frank conversation with your dad will probably be good for both of you as he will feel less isolated and heard and he may have a couple of suggestions on what he would like help with.  I look after my 92yr old father by myself 24/7 who has dementia and the thing I would love help with is somebody doing the dishes.

kind regards

Roberta

Dear SeaTurtle

Just a quick post about going to the block party…… Yes there is a lot of pressure to drink alcohol at this time of year and these kinds of occasions plus it is common for people to dull both physical and emotional pain with alcohol. Also it seems that suicidal tendency can be strong on New Years eve/ day (my uncle committed suicide then).

I wanted to give up alcohol in late 2008 and chose to do it as a new years resolution, which made it more acceptable to those around me, people who drink often feel uncomfortable around abstainers, because they do not want to look at their own lifestyle choices. Over that last festive period I swapped to spritzers and shandies which I poured myself & that way I managed to dilute it so the alcohol content was minimal. I also did a lot of ” designated driver”  as it is the acceptable face of abstinence.

I wish you all the best

Roberta

Dear Natalia

What a brave and compassionate person you are giving your father a place to live in your home.

Does your father still drink alcohol?  I gave up alcohol nearly 15 years ago and now that I am in charge of the household we no longer have it in the house apart for the odd occasion when people I am entertaining bring it. Along side abstinence, good nutrition  is important to help the body heal. Chronic alcoholics are typically deficient in vitamin B1 (thiamine), vitamin B6, vitamin B9 (folate), and vitamin A[3]. Even in small amounts, drinking alcohol raises stomach acidity levels and reduces the ability to absorb nutrients through the stomach mucosa and small intestine.  Coconut Oil may also be helpful my dad has 35mls melted into his breakfast each day ( it took about 3 days to kick in).

I wish you all the best

Roberta

What if any health issues does your dad have?

Buddhist texts encourage us to have gratitude for all that our parents have done for us, this is something that many in these modern times struggle with. So general teachings on interdependence and gratitude may be more helpful.