You guys have some great input!!! Seriously, I think you all narrowed it down to the most likely scenarios. Having known him, I think the friend request may have been a combination of these top 3:

1) “Maybe he remembers how much you liked him, and he needs a bit more liking in his life, right now. Maybe he wants to be pursued, chased after (‘he admitted that I may have liked him more than he liked me’).”

2) He wants you to know that he has a GF to stir up some jealousy.

3) He wants to have one foot into your life in case this new relationship doesn’t work out.

And Eliana: It is SO confusing and I can relate to your story. I did accept his friend request and then waited because I was curious if he was going to send me a message. If he wanted to “extend a white rose/flag” so to speak, I feel he would send a friendly message of, “Just wanted to say hello and I hope all is well with you!” But that message never came. The timing of his friend request in conjunction with his recently changed relationship status is a red flag to me. Within 24 hours of changing his relationship status to “in a relationship with *insert girl’s name here” and changing his profile picture to a nice shot of them- he decided to friend request me. Very strange.

I actually did end up unfriending and blocking him. In reality, I recognize that he is not my “friend.” When things ended between us I told him there were several things he did that hurt me. One example: We had made plans to go to a restaurant one night. He cancelled a couple of hours before our date saying his co-worker invited him to a cook-out. He did not invite me along to the cook-out. Something else more exciting came up and he simply blew-off our plans. He never did properly apologize or try to rectify the situation.

I’m happy in my current relationship and it makes me feel better knowing this individual is blocked and cannot re-enter my life anymore via social media.

Eliana: Thank you for your response! People have told me “your life will still be okay without him” and “love your life without a significant other first.” I was in a relationship for 5 years, single for 2, and now in my current relationship for 1- and I have to be honest, I’m a very relationship-oriented person. Many of my close friends have since moved away, gotten married, and are having kids. My whole family also lives ~4 hours away from me. I also work from home alone full time. I’m also incredibly financially strained at the moment and cannot afford to invest in many extracurricular activities to meet new people (I’m working on this). So when I was single, I felt unbelievably isolated. I did everything alone. Went to the beach alone to read. Went shopping alone. Ate out alone. I have no problem managing life “alone,” however- I do believe that humans are inherently social creatures and forming healthy connections with others is crucial to our happiness.

But I do understand your very valid point. People won’t always be there (due to illness, death, other circumstances)… and so then you’re back to square one of being alone. So I do think there’s value in creating as best of an “alone” life as one possibly can. I should work on that more.

Nakata: Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate a lot. Even though deep down I see how patient, generous, and kind my boyfriend is to me- my anxiety still creeps in and looks for red flags, even when there are no discernible ones.

Everyone has their own idea of “reality” and I have thought to myself, “It would’ve been so much easier had I just chosen the optimistic view of “reality,” rather than the pessimistic one. I know it’s an underlying defense mechanism. I think if I can spot the signs of someone losing interest first, then I can mentally prepare myself for losing the person, getting my things in order, etc…

Anxiety has a lot to do with control. See the whole scenario above? I’m literally trying to control the situation in an effort to avoid pain. But that’s not how life works.

I think it’s time to relinquish control. I remember one therapy session where I was told to imagine myself floating down a river and just letting the current of life take me where it will. Is it a little scary? Of course. But I can’t keep living in this constant state of fear->anxiety->control. That’s not a peaceful way to live. So today I’ll try to just “float down the river.”

Eliana and Jennifer, thank you for your responses. My biggest take-away is there is no specific date in I will officially be over my first real relationship. While I legitimately do not want to be with my ex-fiance, I do still mourn the loss of certain aspects of that relationship and that particular time in my life. But I’m confident that at some point in the future these thoughts and feelings will become less and less.

Thank you both for your replies. I like the idea of realistically thinking we could get “that call” at anytime and about anyone. For example, my dad is a farmer and accidents happen all of the time on farms. He could’ve had a fatal accident many times throughout my life, but I never worry about getting “that call” that something happened to him. It could happen to anyone… including my brother.

I do still get emotional thinking about my brother, but I’ve read a lot of other people’s stories about losing a family member to a drug overdose and I think it’s a complicated disease- like many others.

The reality is that one day he will not be here anymore (whether that’s in 10 months, 10 years, or 50 years). I’m not a fortune teller. I do know that the sadness I feel is a GOOD sign though, because that means he had a positive impact on my life while we were growing up, I think he’s an incredibly sensitive and special person, and I know he’s touched the lives of many.

It’s like I want to repeat to myself “death is a normal part or life, it’s a normal part of life…” My brain gets it. It’s my heart that seems to have the hardest time letting go.

I  wish there were more redeeming qualities to this type of death though. It’s tragic. It’s not like an 80-year-old who lived a happy life and passed warm and cozy in their bed surrounded my family.

Understandably, that’s one of the most difficult things for me to come to terms with. When my grandpa passed away, it was a celebration of his long life.

My 23-year-old brother has a much different story.

Anita, that definitely helps put things in perspective. As odd as it may sound, sometimes I forget that other people are experiencing the things you listed (disease, death, loss, etc…).

Sometimes I get stuck in the mindset that other people have it all. Financial success, happy relationships that result in marriage, health that allows them to climb mountains and run marathons, beautiful homes, healthy families, and the list goes on…

I look at my life and see metaphorical ruin. I’m currently seeing a therapist for anxiety and depression and I think the depression sometimes hangs a dark cloud over my head. It’s difficult to see past it sometimes, but I think practicing mindfulness and awareness can help me. I also liked your idea of your “thoughts being congruent with reality.” I think my mind lives in a fantasy world sometimes that everyone around me has it so much better. Realistically, that’s not the case. So thank you for the eye-opening response!

Thank you for your encouraging responses, Anita and Nissa. I have already had two sessions with my therapist. So far they’ve been helpful. I liked your ideas about getting into a routine. I also think there was an emphasis on knowing that my irrational thoughts are just that: irrational thoughts. That is what I’m continuing to work on most, managing my thoughts and trying not to be in my head all day.

The good thing is, I’ve been living here for about 1 month and 2 weeks and I feel proud thinking, “I’m actually doing this!” I do feel a sense of accomplishment maintaining my apartment and I try to view it as a peaceful place for solitude as much as I can.