Forum Replies Created
Anita: You made two excellent points that I’ll remember: “1) I would say: first eliminate interactions with men who see you as a sexual object, a conquest to be won and abandoned when done. 2) …learn to detect what is a Selling Statement and what is an authentic statement.”
Aiyana: Thank you, my take-a-away is to remember to always love myself before another before.
Vesper: I truly appreciate you sharing your story. It gives me hope that even after multiple “failed” attempts at dating, maybe…just maybe…there’s someone out there who wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with them. Good luck to you!
Silviainny: I’m sorry to hear you’ve experienced similar interactions with men who you thought you could trust. It’s discouraging… but I guess all we can do is try to learn from our experiences and grow in a positive way from them without becoming bitter (maybe I’m a little bitter and reserved right now, but I’m trying to overcome it).
Penguin: Thanks for responding with your story. I actually had a similar situation with my dad. He was always someone I greatly looked up to and he cheated on my step-mom. I know we’re all human and we make mistakes. I hope I find a companion who will eventually love and accept me and be genuinely intersted in me as a person (and not just sex and then leaving).April 8, 2016 at 7:55 am in reply to: Please help me break this pattern once and for all… #101280
Anita: You asked: “So you see, women also can not follow through. When we criticize another, best we look at ourselves as well: do we do what we disapprove in another?” In regard to dating, I always follow through. I don’t give men false hope, say grandiose things, and then disappear. So while I appreciate your effort to help me self-reflect, your question doesn’t pertain to how I behave with others while dating. If I’m not interested in someone but they’re still interested in me, I make my intentions to not move forward in a clear, but direct and kind way.
Sandstorm: I do make an effort to make my intentions clear that I’m not looking for a casual relationship or hook-up. Thank you for taking the time to write back to me and for the reminder that online dating does time and patience.April 5, 2016 at 3:40 pm in reply to: Please help me break this pattern once and for all… #100960
You’re telling me how you think I should be utilizing this open, public forum. Of course I’m appreciative of the thoughtful, well-written story that Vesper told me. I goes days and weeks without logging on to this website sometimes because of obligations I have outside of the online world.
In that thread I personally thanked and addressed my responses to you, Dazz, Vesper, and Inky on 3/21 (the same day I created the thread). So it’s not that I don’t ever reply with my gratitude! How do you know I wouldn’t have re-visited that thread and done the same later today? Or even tomorrow? You don’t know that. Please refrain from micro-analyzing and telling me how you think I should use this public forum.
Inky: I’m 27 and I’ve dated guys that ranged from 24 to 38 (no joke… but I’d say the majority have been between 28-33). How much older should I date? lol
I met my ex-fiance through mutual friends. I met one other guy through a mutual friend at a birthday party (the one who said he “loved me” and then dumped me two weeks later). All of the other guys I’ve met online. It’s seems like a crap-shoot. But thank you for responding with encouraging and kind words.
Dazz: Thank you for the kind words. I guess I do have “time” and I’m afforded the opportunity to let life play out as it’s meant to while trying to harness a more optimistic perspective.
Vesper: Can you please share a little bit about your story with me? What brought you to the “men can’t feel love conclusion?” What’s different about your soulmate? Did you know right away? I’d love to hear an inspiring and hopeful story.
Anita: If I’m understanding what you’re saying correctly, I would agree that men are MUCH bigger “sayers” than “doers” in the beginning of a relationship. Almost to the point of me having to disregard what they’re saying because I can count on more than one hand the grandiose things I’ve been promised or told that never actually materialized. And I also agree that men in many different cultures are more interested in “sex” and respect is reserved for a very limited number of females in their lives (example: mother, daughter, mother of their daughter).
Eris: I loved your bird analogy! I’d like to practice that. I think we all know the bird will eventually fly away, so we appreciate its company and beauty *in the moment.* I think that’s the key! We stay present when the bird is there and appreciate it for what it is. We don’t think, “What’s going to happen when this bird leaves? What am I going to do with myself in its absence? Why can’t the bird stay all of the time?”
You could easily replace those statements with people when it comes to dating and relationships. So, stay in the moment with the person you’re with (to a reasonable extent… obviously be clear if your intention is to eventually find a relationship that may be suitable for long-term companionship).
Thanks, Anita. I would tell him there are several standards I must uphold in my friendships and relationships with others:
1) Dependability/Trust. On a basic level you have to trust that your friend/partner is dependable. There were multiple times when he would tell me, “We should meet-up this weekend,” or “I’ll text you tomorrow,” and then he would never contact me.
2) Consistency. When I’m in a relationship with someone, I need a level of consistency. I understand work schedules change, life gets hectic, etc… But I don’t appreciate someone texting me multiple times a day, asking to see me several times that week, and then suddenly withdrawing to the point of not texting and going at least two weeks without an effort to see me. Also resorting to last minute plans the majority of the time is difficult. That type of inconsistency makes me feel confused.
3) Communication. The person I’m in a relationship with has to at least make an effort to communicate how they’re honestly feeling. There were times when he wouldn’t be forthright with me about his feelings. He would use vague statements like, “Let’s just see where this goes.” “I don’t know where our future will lead… only time will tell.”
I would like my future partner to be honest in his intentions of being in a relationship with me, such as saying: “I like you and want to experience more things together and continue getting to know you.”
Those are three of my standards for friendships and relationships. He has never been able to meet those three for longer than a few weeks at a time, therefore I have to say good-bye.
Anita, thank you for your response. I can’t wait for the feeling of anger to dissipate. There are times when I think about what it would be like for him to contact me and to release all of the months of anger and frustration and tell him how much hurt I feel.
I know he wouldn’t particularly care or say anything beyond a simple “I’m sorry it ended up this way.”
What are healthy ways to release this feeling of anger and tension? Write about it and then crumple up the paper? Do you think there’s anything else I can do?
Anita- You said, “Returning his things was a symbolic way on your part to exercise some control over a relationship in which you had a sense of no control.” I think this is absolutely correct! I also like that you said, “On the other hand it would have been reasonable for you to exercise control over your participation in the relationship.” I wish I would have stuck to my standards and left months ago. I think that’s part of my learning experience. It’s so difficult, but hopefully the end result of letting go will be an emotionally strengthening and fulfilling experience.
Vesper- Thank you for the kind words. I like that you said, “It is to your credit that you have a loving heart.” I believe I can walk away from this relationship knowing that I exercised a lot of love, care, and patience with this person- even during times when I was hurting. I gave it my all, he just wasn’t capable of receiving it or (possibly) appreciating it.
DaisyBuchanan- Thank you for this, “You can trust your intuition here. If they are not ready to honor that connection, they should definitely not be in your life. You do not need to feel badly about yourself even for a second for trusting in something you felt at any point.” Very well put. I felt a connection and I trusted it. This person wasn’t capable of giving or receiving the love that was there. I will try my best to take your advice that I have the strength to take care of myself.
I wanted to share this advice from an article I came across. Maybe you’ll find the advice useful. I’ve been following it myself.
“Keep a positive, but sober view of the person in front of you. Look, I don’t want to be the cynic who comes along and tells you to be withdrawn and skeptical every time you meet a guy who seems great.
But here’s the thing: you can still be positive, vulnerable and open, whilst also reserving judgment on someone until you know more about them. Think of this as a kind of ‘mature vulnerability.’ You are giving and open, but you’re also self-respecting enough to only invest in a new guy to the extent that he also shows investment back in you.
This also comes down to knowing what you want, and being willing to walk away if he has habits that make him wrong for you in the long-run e.g. he’s way too career-obsessed, he doesn’t care about having a family, he has no standards for his health and well-being.
Each time you take a step forward, you see if he comes alongside with you. Call this the ‘Invest, then test.’ You invest a bit, then see what you get back. Then invest again, then test again. And repeat so that you know you’re entering a relationship that is a two-way street, with both sides giving as much as one another.”March 8, 2016 at 11:08 am in reply to: My ex boyfriend has recently been liking my photos on fb, why? #98375
I’m not sure if this will help, but I thought I’d chime in. I was in a relationship with a man for about 5 and a half years. I “knew with certainty” that he was “the one.” About one month into dating I just had this feeling that he would be my future husband. Sure enough, three and a half-ish years into dating he proposed to me on a horse drawn carriage ride in the middle of downtown Chicago. Sounds like something out of a fairytale, huh? Well, we never got married. He called off the engagement. He later asked for me back but I recognized our relationship was healthy, so I moved on.
Almost one year post-split I met another man who I thought, “this is the one!” We had a fantastic connection, similar goals and values, and I saw a future with him. Nope… Ended up realizing that what we had was also not healthy and it was best for myself to leave.
My point is that I never would’ve thought I’d have those feelings of “this is the one,” until I met either of these two. It just goes to show that you NEVER know who is right around the corner… Who really will be the right person for you. Keep your heart open and stay strong!
I feel like I could’ve written what you just wrote. I actually wrote a similar post recently about how I’m a 27-year-old female, single, and starting to have fears after I read that pregnancy difficulties typically start around age 35 for women. People tell me, “Oh, you’ve got plenty of time!” But I’ve been putting myself out there and dating for the past 10 months and nothing has come of it except a broken-heart from a very one-sided relationship with a man who wasn’t interested in me like I was in him.
There came a point where I realized that I need to practice acceptance and gratitude, even in my current situation. I can’t predict my future. Because I can’t, maybe I should start focusing on myself and what I have control of in the present. I always try to live in the present now.
Also, I can relate to what you said about settling feeling more comfortable that being alone. I think that’s when I really realized I needed to learn to love myself without the presence of another person.
In my last relationship, I was completely head over heels for the guy. But then I realized that him constantly pulling away emotionally and not always returning my affection was hurting me. If I’m going to be in a relationship, I deserve to feel valued, cared about, and like I can trust the person- at the very least.
So, single I am and single I will be until I truly love myself and the universe has decided for my path to cross with someone who loves me as much as I love me.
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. So I’ve been trying to see this from the perspective of my roommate/friend. I agree that it’s draining to be around someone who projects sadness, negativity, and hopelessness on a daily basis. Today I genuinely wanted to turn my attitude around. When I saw her after work I said a friendly “hello” and asked how her day was. I was not going to bring up ANY issues or negativity and instead keep the conversation light and positive.
She barely acknowledged my hello and instead started texting on her phone and talking to her pet cat. She didn’t engage in conversation with me or ask how my day was (which is unusual in our friendship). She said she was going to a softball meeting and wouldn’t be back until late, said bye, and left.
I’m honestly hurt by her behavior. She used to knock on my bedroom door and be the type of friend that would burst in and start up a conversation. Now for the past several days she’s been acting distant toward me and going out of her way to not engage in conversation.
I feel left and abandoned in another friendship/relationship AGAIN. In our 8+ years of friendship she has NEVER acted like this toward me. At this point I’m so saddened by rejection/abandonment that my thoughts started going to places of, “When our lease is up should I move out of the city?” “Should I start leaving every night after work and going to Starbucks or wherever to distance myself from her?”
She is the last person I thought should treat meet with such indifference and I’m feeling angry and hurt. Especially when I communicated to her that I was going through a very hard time and just need a little patience and support right now. It sounds dramatic and ridiculous but I’ve just about had it with all people. Life feels too hard and its been this way for too long. Why am I here?February 26, 2016 at 10:33 am in reply to: Is it ever okay to "give someone a piece of your mind?" #97345
Mishy: You said, “He said early this month, let’s catch up sometime this month, but lo behold we are at the end and not a word.” This is what my “friend” would do a lot too!
I watched an amazing interview this morning. Marianne Williamson sat down with Oprah to talk about “alchemy,” which is the process of transformation, creation, or a combination of the two. She said, “If someone betrays or hurts you, pray for them. Send them positivity in the form of thoughts for approximately 30 days. The result is they will either behave a little differently or you will no longer feel as much of the hurt. You don’t have that care anymore. What’s hard is to walk around with anger and blame. The universe self-corrects and if you open your heart and let love out, you will receive it back.”
I loved this idea. I hope it may help you too!February 25, 2016 at 3:49 pm in reply to: Is it ever okay to "give someone a piece of your mind?" #97249
Sunseeker1, I agree with you that there’s a time and place for certain things to be said. Thank you for your response and I’m glad you found peace by standing up for yourself. I think you’re right that in my situation this person just simply doesn’t care, so it would do me no good.