February 18, 2016 at 2:24 pm #96422
…and by “piece of your mind,” I mean is it okay to just tell someone how they really made you feel, particularly if they didn’t treat you well? I don’t like the idea of letting anger be my primary motivator for communication, but I recently got out of a relationship with someone who wasn’t always caring or respectful to me.
To give a brief back-story: We met 7 months ago, he’s completing his residency as a doctor, and he always seemed to “keep me on his hook.” He’d ask me out on dates, talk about future things he’d like to do with me (but then not always follow through), and he said he wanted to see me “exclusively.” He never called me his girlfriend and seemed to see and talk to me when it was convenient for him. Sometimes he would go days (sometimes up to a week) without talking to me. Like he’d disappear and not text me or make an effort to see me. Then all of a sudden he’d contact me and say, “So, want to get brunch today?” And he’d act very sweet while we saw each other.
Well, he ended up breaking up with me and I told him I still had three of his things (kitchenware type things). I asked if we could meet one last time to potentially end things on a positive note and so I could give him his stuff back. He ended up cancelling on me twice and then said, “I’m just really busy right now. I’ll text you when I have free time so we can meet.” That was two weeks ago!
Four days ago I sent him a polite text. I said, “Hey, I hope you’re doing well. I was wondering if we could still set-up a day to meet so I could give you your things. If you’re no longer interested in meeting, just let me know.” He never responded!
I’m feeling angry, discarded, and like he was manipulative to always have things his way.
What would it mean for me to tell him how I really feel? I’ve been extremely polite and forgiving of everything… but I’m sick of being ignored. Maybe it’s time to say how I really feel.
In my ideal text to him (even if he doesn’t respond), I would say:
“I felt more optimistic and hopeful about dating before I met you. I’ve never invested time and energy into someone who consistently ignored me, blew me off, and didn’t keep their word. Where was my say in any of this? We always moved at YOUR pace and our communication was (and still is) dictated on YOUR terms. You said you’d contact me to set-up a time so I could give you your things back and I valued your words. You never contacted me and you never answered my text. Again. Just like in September. Both times my questions when purposely unanswered. This doesn’t resonate with me. Even on the most basic human level people shouldn’t consistently feel sad, disregarded, and confused by another person. There’s my lesson.”
What do you all think?February 18, 2016 at 4:07 pm #96435HippieChickParticipant
In all honesty “ok” is such a subjective way to define doing things. Is it legal? Yes. Will it get you anywhere? Probably not. You might feel better for a few minutes but you’ll likely not get any kind of response that you want. And, if the guy wants to be an a**, he could counter your hypothetical text with “well, if you felt that way why did you continue to allow me to treat you that way?”. And he’d have a point. Because a person can only treat you as you allow them to. If you’re trying to show him the error of his ways or make him feel badly about how he treated you….I highly doubt it will.
My advice…write out everything you want to say to him in great detail in a letter. An actual letter on paper. Tell him what he did, why you felt it was wrong and how it made you feel. Then, consciously tell yourself you’re letting it all go. Burn the letter and….let it go. Use this as a learning experience and move on so that you can meet people who truly value YOU and all you bring to the table. Never mention it to him.February 18, 2016 at 4:36 pm #96436
Hi dreaming715, like you in my very similar situation, I have given a piece of my mind a number of times whenever I get overwhelmed by disappointment, both in text and email but I have never gotten a response ever. In most cases so far, I end up trying to forget the incidents and we go on our merry way until the same thing repeats.
Now I’d say there’s no point in it at all. Tami’s suggestion is probably a good one. These guys would not behave this way if they were normal so telling them wouldn’t change anything.February 18, 2016 at 8:43 pm #96449hurtsParticipant
Seems that number of us went through similar situations. What I am saying is you are wasting a lot of energy and time on a person that doesn’t set you as a priority, and doesn’t see the importance of saying what he means. You will only be ended up with disappointment and sadness. If you see that he will be knocked out of senses by hearing your words, feel free to do so. But, what is the likelihood he will response?
It may take him weeks to response but will he feel apologetic for what he has done? Mine won’t unless there are times he feels down and moody, then he will say sorry. It is useless, I am too tolerant and he took me for granted, things are always on his terms that I shut him out.February 19, 2016 at 7:28 am #96480NanParticipant
” Four days ago I sent him a polite text. I said, “Hey, I hope you’re doing well. I was wondering if we could still set-up a day to meet so I could give you your things. If you’re no longer interested in meeting, just let me know.” He never responded!”
The above information you stated indicates that he is not interested in meeting, His non-response is the response. Send the stuff to him Fed Ex or throw it out. Kitchen type stuff can be re-bought easily. The answer is the non-answer. Texting again may be perceived as desperate. Is he really interested in how you feel? It seems he is not. I agree wholeheartedly with Tami- write a long long letter of all your deep feelings, hurts and anguish to him. Then BURN it. It will be cathartic, and maybe the universe will tickle his unconscious with thoughts of contacting you.February 22, 2016 at 8:38 am #96756
Thank you all for the helpful responses. It sounds like the general consensus is to move on, let it be, and don’t go out of my way to contact him anymore (especially in an angry way). Deep down, I know love and kindness is always the answer.
I haven’t texted or contacted him. He still hasn’t contacted me. I agree it would come off desperate to text him again.
Instead of angrily throwing away his belongings, I feel I’ll be more at peace by sending them to him in the mail. I still have a short letter I wrote him just apologizing for anything I may have done that was hurtful in the past and telling him I’m still grateful for the good experiences I had with him.
I know it was suggested to write a letter and burn it, but I want to send it to him. I don’t expect a response to my letter.
The non-response is what hurts the most. I feel like I had (and still have) strong feelings for him. I think about him every single day. Like this morning I saw a blanket for sale online and remembered how he told me a couple of months ago he wanted a new throw blanket for his living room. My mind just randomly thinks about him and how much I miss him. His non-response deeply hurts me. I’ve literally wondered if I made up our “connection” and “special moments” in my head, because if he felt even close to what I feel, I believe he’d respond.
But here’s the reality: He doesn’t have feelings for me, he doesn’t want to see or talk to me, he doesn’t even want to respond to tell me he doesn’t want to see or talk to me… He’s literally indifferent to me. The past 7 months and time we spent together have meant NOTHING to him.
I’m astounded, hurt, and grieving. I opened up my heart so fully and in the end this person ignores me as if they’d rather I didn’t even exist to them. This is possibly one of the most hurtful, one-sided experiences so far in my life.
Well, I’ll mail him the stuff and when it’s mailed I’ll metaphorically “put it in the universe’s hands.” What’s done will be done and it’ll be time to move on.February 22, 2016 at 2:31 pm #96812MParticipant
Move on. I dealt with that type of behavior from my now-ex for a year before we made our relationship official. I thought that was his way of making amends and saying he wanted to be a stand-up guy.. but here we are two years later (from when we first met) and I’m finding myself finally ending one of the hardest relationships of my life. For years I sought out this man’s validation and ended up feeling more alone with him than I was when I was single. I made excuses for him always and felt sorry for him. It will just drain you and they won’t be changing for a long time. I wouldn’t even send that letter… if he’s having a bad day and needs comfort he might reach out just to get what he needs from you again. Maybe I’m biased.. but that attitude is what I dealt with for a long time and I’d hate for others to get caught in the cycle I just got out of.February 24, 2016 at 10:58 am #97047
Well, I mailed his stuff back to him and included a short, polite letter to part ways on a positive note. Just to reiterate, I never told him I was sending any of this. I saw online via the tracking information that it was delivered yesterday afternoon and it was put in a parcel locker in his apartment building (since the box wouldn’t fit in his small mailbox).
He either: 1) Hasn’t checked his mailbox. 2) The mailman didn’t leave a note stating he had a package in the parcel locker. 3) Or he did get it all and STILL doesn’t feel the need to call or text me to even tell me it was received.
If it’s #3, I feel that’s incredibly unfortunate… but if that’s the type of person he is then I really AM better off without him. I can’t say I know many people who would ignore other people to that extent. I never bombarded him with text messages. I’ve never actually called him once in the time I’ve known him. I never “gave him a piece of my mind” or acted particularly angry toward him. I don’t feel I did anything to warrant being ignored.
As I originally said I was going to do: I’m now free of his stuff, things on my end were concluded as positively as possible, and I can move on knowing there’s nothing more I could’ve done. So time to take a deep breath, release him from my life, and move on.February 25, 2016 at 2:02 am #97176
Hi dreaming715, when I first posted last week and you responded with your experience, I was still wondering whether to give up on that person I knew as well. Since then, every time I feel like I should give him the benefit of the doubt, I go and read up on how narcissists behave and that has kept me strong because so many signs tell me that is what he is. In fact I feel a lot happier and more positive the past week than I have in a year even though I sometimes still miss chatting with him most days as we used to. I felt down a lot last year and I thought it was due to other big problems I had in my life and that luckily he was there to cheer me up. But now I realise he was the one sucking the remaining joy out of me because he was constantly blowing hot and cold and I couldn’t tell where I stood.
If these people we both knew were really similar, they have moved on. They don’t care about us, or how we feel because normal human empathy does not exist in them. I had journalled along the way that I felt our friendship was a mirage and now I know I am right. They do not deserve the friendship that we have to offer and we are better off looking for some normal people who can provide us with a real connection.February 25, 2016 at 5:54 am #97185sunseeker1Participant
Hi dreaming 715
I feel your frustration/anger with this guy, I know how you feel as I experienced this with ex boyfriends and my own girlfriends, in fact only yesterday i finally told a so called friend how i have had enough of her constant judgement of me and her arrogance and superiority complex and how i never judged her to the extent she did to me My aim was to try and discuss the issue and get past this, but clearly she didn’t care about our friendship, her response was personal attacks at my weight and throwing in that im old unmarried and childless.
Well i was hurt briefly but you know what i am actually very happy that i gave her a piece of my mind because it removed all doubt about who she was and i am able to move on. I wish i told her years ago rather than be her friend and listen to her endless break up stories and career problems, but that is what i’m working on now- to not harbour upset but to clear the air as soon as possible.
The other posters on the forum are correct- yes you may want your ex to realize what an idiot he is and you may want to punish him or something via letter or text and it will make you feel good- maybe for a few minutes but unfortunately i think it is true that he couldn’t care less as he hasn’t bothered replying you. My ex friend did the same to me and people like that do this maybe to show they feel they have some kind of power or really that they have moved on and don’t care.
Some of us in life really care too much, we have empathy perhaps lots of it, I know I do but now I’m taking control of my life to just not care so much anymore and to give a piece of my mind more when i feel someone is trying to undermine me or take advantage.
I am happy you have released him physically and mentally from your life, i wish you all the best for the future!February 25, 2016 at 3:45 pm #97248
Mishy, our stories sound so similar! So I actually DID get a text from him last night thanking me for sending his things and for the “thoughtful letter.” He said I wouldn’t have had to mail them back and asked if he could see me this afternoon after work to get food and coffee.
I will admit I said yes (I know, I know… Pleae go easy on me). Well I was looking forward to seeing him all day while I was working. He said he’d pick me up between 5:30-6:00. I was fully ready to leave (hair and make-up done, nice outfit picked out). He texted me at 5:00 saying he was stuck at work at the hospital with a difficult case. He said he was sorry, sent a picture “proving” he was still there in his scrubs, and then said “maybe we can meet this weekend.”
I know I brought this on myself. I had a feeling the plans would fall through. And of course he didn’t propose a specific day to meet again. He simply said that he was so sorry and “MAYBE” we could meet this weekend.
I just gave a short response and said “Sorry to hear that. Hope the rest of your week goes better.”
Mishy, I agree that we should both seek people who are at the minimum within the basic range of human kindness and empathy. And I also have felt the connection I had with him was a “mirage.” It was only real in my mind.
What a shame. I hope to come across a man in the future who is able to reciprocate the love and kindness I’m willing to give in a partnership.February 25, 2016 at 3:49 pm #97249
Sunseeker1, I agree with you that there’s a time and place for certain things to be said. Thank you for your response and I’m glad you found peace by standing up for yourself. I think you’re right that in my situation this person just simply doesn’t care, so it would do me no good.February 26, 2016 at 2:51 am #97305
dreaming715, I can totally imagine your feelings at that text message. I’d have the exact same feeling if I heard from that “friend” too. He said early this month, let’s catch up sometime this month, but lo and behold we are at the end and not a word. They just prove over and over again it will always be the same so we need to give up trying.
I wish you all the best in finding someone else better real soon! 🙂February 26, 2016 at 10:33 am #97345
Mishy: You said, “He said early this month, let’s catch up sometime this month, but lo behold we are at the end and not a word.” This is what my “friend” would do a lot too!
I watched an amazing interview this morning. Marianne Williamson sat down with Oprah to talk about “alchemy,” which is the process of transformation, creation, or a combination of the two. She said, “If someone betrays or hurts you, pray for them. Send them positivity in the form of thoughts for approximately 30 days. The result is they will either behave a little differently or you will no longer feel as much of the hurt. You don’t have that care anymore. What’s hard is to walk around with anger and blame. The universe self-corrects and if you open your heart and let love out, you will receive it back.”
I loved this idea. I hope it may help you too!