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I asked him and he said he feels he would do this with anyone and it’s not personal. He just likes the quickness, there’s less physical activity involved, and there’s no pressure to perform. In a way I can understand this, but to an extent… it doesn’t make sense to me when I’m offering to do all of the work and telling him I’m okay with that and even enjoy it. Therefore, that leads me to believe he just genuinely sometimes prefers the imagery and novelty of porn. He said it’s like a habit he’s had since he was a teenager.
Thank you all for the replies. After several days and a few discussions with him, I’ve concluded that I did blow it out of proportion. He is a great guy and I’m not looking for a reason to end our relationship (although looking back, nto, I can see why you’d wonder that).
I’m currently in therapy for childhood trauma and abandonment issues and have an estranged relationship with my drug addicted mom and I also have a distant step-mom who has always been critical of me and distant, but very loving to her biological children.
So I think all of that mixed with a dose of anxiety and depression has led to fear-based responses and being overreactive. It’s a good thing that I actually have a therapy appointment today. 🙂
Anita- Yes. Absolutely. I feel like his friends are part of an exclusive fan group together and I’m on the outside.
I don’t feel particularly “included” in this group at all. I think that’s why the comment stings so much.
I’ll eventually get over it… but I do think he was feeling cheeky and intended to make fun of me.
“Intention” is the key thing we’re discussing here. He knew that making fun of the song I liked would get a laugh from his friends.
No one likes to be the person everyone’s pointing and laughing at. It hurts.
What would’ve been wrong with him just tweeting: “I took my gf to her first Phish show last night and she actually liked it.”
Good to hear from you Anita! I definitely related to your post. I do feel like it was a fundamental lie… it was a pretty big shock. I’ve let it sink in though and have been moving past it though which is good.
Was the guy friend gay by chance? My boyfriend who has always identified as straight has a friend who is gay and is not shy about expressing his “fondness” for my boyfriend, he calls him attractive all the time, etc… but I think what’s most telling is your boyfriend expressed to you that he’d be open to hooking up with a guy if he found him attractive enough.
Everyone is different, but I believe people have a sexual “spectrum.” Like you can identify as straight, but the opposite sex might pique your curiosity although you may not feel enough of a need to act on it.
I would also ask yourself why this may make you feel insecure? There’s nothing wrong with feeling that way, but it may be helpful to think more about why that particular card made you feel that way.
Thank you all for the responses. I took your thoughts and advice into consideration and had a serious sit down conversation with my boyfriend. I think talking about it more in-depth helped. And you’re correct Anita, this is a fairly recent thing. So far things have improved and now we just have to keep our communication open and continue with what we want to resolve long term.
I think you’re really correct with this statement: “As for being giving in the bedroom, maybe your guy views sex as more of a physical release than as an elaborate exchange.” I think that is what’s happening. I think maybe I’m taking it a little personal… but that’s because it feels so personal.
It feels like a dismissal or rejection. So if someone has a higher sex drive, how should they react when the person they’re with says they’re just not in the mood (even if it’s the 10th time or 100th time they’ve heard it)?
Thank you for the responses! My main take-away was “Something I learned from my husband is to initiate less but respond well when someone initiates contact or is willing to meet you etc.”June 4, 2018 at 8:18 am in reply to: Past broken engagement is affecting my current one #210663
Thank you so much for the advice. It was helpful to look at trust in this way. I want to practice/focus on this part: “Currently with your boyfriend, if and when a stressful situation arises (and otherwise), see to it that the two of you help each other, tackle the situation, the challenge as a team of two.”
Thank you for the helpful, compassionate, and reassuring response, Anita. I always look forward to reading what you have to say. I’ll try to keep things in perspective and practice my “detached” strategy. Detached kind of has a negative connotation, but I think in some circumstances it can be a good thing.
Thank you all for the responses. We are locked into a lease where we both pay a set amount and to be completely honest I don’t think I have any friends that would welcome me to live with them for an extended period of time (lol this is true, unless my apartment burned down or something). But I can see why an idea like that would work.
So I slept on it and have a couple of thoughts:
1) Maybe “marriage” starts before the proposal? I’m trying to shift my mindset a little. Like what is the foundation I want to build with my boyfriend for a future together? One where we argue every week and I pressure him into something he’s not ready for? A lot of men want to have kids eventually, but just because they’re married and say they’re not ready for one “yet,” doesn’t mean they’ll never be ready. So I do believe he does want to marry me, it’s just a financial/timing thing right now.
How would I want to look back on this time in my life with him? We did move in together a few mo the ago, so that in itself is worth celebrating.
2) I have to go to a friend’s bridal shower next weekend (I’m a bridesmaid) and also next weekend is my newly engaged friend’s birthday party so there will be a lot of congratulatory engagement talk happening.
I’m going to have to exercise a little mental and emotional toughness that day. I’m obviously happy for my friends, but I feel the “lack” of an engagement and marriage in my life right now.
How do I want to look back on their celebrations though? I want to have fun and celebrate the happy moments in their life.
I know this will sound weird, but I almost want to be in the experiences like an outsider looking in and detach myself a little. Like I can experience it all, but not on a personal level. Sort of like I’m watching it happen on TV and thinking “Wow that’s wonderful!” I think it’s a self-coping mechanism and maybe it would be healthy for me to detach myself a little. In dialectical behavioral therapy they say to “observe your thoughts” and just acknowledge, oh yeah there’s that thought again, okay thought you can go now… and let it go. This might be a good wedding season strategy for me?April 11, 2018 at 2:31 pm in reply to: What do you guys think of painful memories in your childhood? #201865
Anita! I definitely had an “ah-ha” moment reading your first post. First of all, thank you for sharing your experience with us. The reason is resonated with me is because when I was young I witnessed pretty severe domestic violence between my mom and step-dad. The thing I don’t know if I’ve ever admitted to anyone is exactly what you described: “I imagined I was in a movie and a feeling of pleasantness came over me, I was in an exciting movie.”
As a child, I think your brain tries to make sense of trauma and children may feel “excitement” as a coping mechanism. Not that there isn’t fear- it’s just a different kind of fear. Sometimes fear can feel dreadful (like witnessing an accident) and other times fear can feel exciting (like waiting to go on a roller coaster).
I’ll admit I’ve always felt hesitant to admit that the domestic violence I witnessed felt oddly “exciting” sometimes when I was really young (like under the age of 10). I think this was my mind’s way of detaching from the experience.
I realize it still negatively affected me though. I remember being in college and going to bars and if a couple of guys started getting to a physical fight, my heart would start racing and I’d start to panic and want to immediately leave. Now when I see adults fight it makes me anxious. Anxiety is one thing I’m working on in therapy.April 11, 2018 at 2:07 pm in reply to: Anyone else's friends and family "too busy" to get together? #201863
Mark: Thank you for your response! Your example “script” was very helpful and extremely similar to the one my therapist gave me. I actually did say this exact thing to my step mom and my dad. They just seemed confused (like they honestly had a hard time understanding why it was a big deal to only talk to their daughter on the phone a few times per year). They said, “Yeah, we’ll make an effort to contact you more.” On Easter my dad texted me saying he hoped my boyfriend and I were having a nice day… but that was a text. I just don’t understand why it’s so difficult to CALL me. Also on my birthday they will usually send a card in the mail (which is very nice), but there again they don’t CALL me. They send a text saying, “We know you probably have birthday plans today and didn’t want to bother you! Happy Birthday from us all at home!”
My therapist said if I want to talk to them on the phone once per month, I’ll have to make it very clear and say- “Will you please CALL me on the third Sunday of every month so we can keep in closer contact and keep our contact initiation fair?”
I’ve thought about this a lot and I’m afraid to even ask them because 1) I honestly feel like a burden & 2) I fear we’ll do really well the first couple of months and then I’ll get my hopes up and it’ll go back to “Sorry we didn’t call, we’re just really busy right now, let’s talk next month… and then next month never happens.” 🙁