Forum Replies Created
My heart goes out to you. I had an ex-fiancé of 5 years cancel or wedding and leave once and it was devastating, so having children in the mix I can understand it’s even more difficult.
This is my personal advice (or how I would handle the situation). I feel he has disrespected you and it’s time to cut him lose (aside from any rights he has to his children). You make the decision on keeping or terminating the pregnancy. Take control back and focus on your life and children. You’re a strong woman.
When my ex-fiancé left me my uncle said, “Don’t walk away- run away.” And that was the best decision (and maybe most difficult) decision I made. But he gained a new respect for me and later even wanted to get back together. But I kept moving forward and I’m with someone really wonderful now.
You can make it through this! We’re here for you! <3
Hello! My parents divorced when I was a baby and my step-mom has been in my life since I was 3-years-old (I’m now 28). Being a step-mom and co-parenting is no easy feat, and I think it’s completely normal to have mixed feelings. On one hand you love your boyfriend and appreciate the beautiful relationship he has with his son, but on the other hand maybe it feels like you’ve suddenly “skipped steps” in your life? All of a sudden there’s a child who has to be considered at all times (and his biological mother, as well).
Be kind to yourself- you’re not a terrible person for having these feelings. I can only speak for myself, but I would start to take note of what I’m feeling on a regular basis. What are the pros of dating someone with a child? What are the cons? What do you value? For example: Do you value intimate relationships, family, work, hobbies (traveling, playing sports, etc…)- and what order would you potentially place these in?
There is no right or wrong answer and I know it may seem overwhelming, but I think the ultimate goal is to find peace and contentment. Taking note of how you’re feeling over a period of time and on a consistent basis and being mindful of this may help you.September 21, 2017 at 4:04 pm in reply to: Lost Another friend. Years of Therapy..down the drain.. #169725
This paragraph stuck out to me: “I was diagnosed with lymphoma, and she would text and say ‘how are you feeling’ and I would say ‘I am nervous and frightened’ (I am having an upcoming biopsy on thyroid nodules and under my arm. She would text back and say ‘lol, before you have had a diagnosis yet?’)”
To me, this doesn’t sound like friendly behavior. I understand we want to see the good in others and give other people the benefit of the doubt, but the types of things she was saying seemed emotionally toxic and disheartening. You deserve a true friend who can exercise compassion and understanding. I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling down regarding the loss of your friend, but it is my belief that you deserve better.September 21, 2017 at 11:37 am in reply to: How to stop jealousy with boyfriend and another girl! #169681
Eliana, Inky, and Maria thank you all for the wonderful advice! I have actually since deleted two social media apps off of my phone and tomorrow will mark 1 week since I’ve logged in to them. I must say, this in itself has been freeing! I think disconnecting for awhile will help as I try to manifest positive attitudes and acceptance.
And you made some great points- we are together for a reason and that is what I should focus on. 🙂
You guys have some great input!!! Seriously, I think you all narrowed it down to the most likely scenarios. Having known him, I think the friend request may have been a combination of these top 3:
1) “Maybe he remembers how much you liked him, and he needs a bit more liking in his life, right now. Maybe he wants to be pursued, chased after (‘he admitted that I may have liked him more than he liked me’).”
2) He wants you to know that he has a GF to stir up some jealousy.
3) He wants to have one foot into your life in case this new relationship doesn’t work out.
And Eliana: It is SO confusing and I can relate to your story. I did accept his friend request and then waited because I was curious if he was going to send me a message. If he wanted to “extend a white rose/flag” so to speak, I feel he would send a friendly message of, “Just wanted to say hello and I hope all is well with you!” But that message never came. The timing of his friend request in conjunction with his recently changed relationship status is a red flag to me. Within 24 hours of changing his relationship status to “in a relationship with *insert girl’s name here” and changing his profile picture to a nice shot of them- he decided to friend request me. Very strange.
I actually did end up unfriending and blocking him. In reality, I recognize that he is not my “friend.” When things ended between us I told him there were several things he did that hurt me. One example: We had made plans to go to a restaurant one night. He cancelled a couple of hours before our date saying his co-worker invited him to a cook-out. He did not invite me along to the cook-out. Something else more exciting came up and he simply blew-off our plans. He never did properly apologize or try to rectify the situation.
I’m happy in my current relationship and it makes me feel better knowing this individual is blocked and cannot re-enter my life anymore via social media.
Eliana: That’s a good question. I don’t know if I’m the type to emotionally pull away though. I seem to slowly codependently latch on and then live in a state of anxiety always voicing my insecurities. Sad, but true. I guess the first step to fixing it is recognizing it.
Kat: I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through. It’s difficult and the fear of abandonment is life-altering on many levels. But I think you made great points by recommending help from a therapist as well as communicating what’s happening to my boyfriend.
Eliana: Thank you for your response! People have told me “your life will still be okay without him” and “love your life without a significant other first.” I was in a relationship for 5 years, single for 2, and now in my current relationship for 1- and I have to be honest, I’m a very relationship-oriented person. Many of my close friends have since moved away, gotten married, and are having kids. My whole family also lives ~4 hours away from me. I also work from home alone full time. I’m also incredibly financially strained at the moment and cannot afford to invest in many extracurricular activities to meet new people (I’m working on this). So when I was single, I felt unbelievably isolated. I did everything alone. Went to the beach alone to read. Went shopping alone. Ate out alone. I have no problem managing life “alone,” however- I do believe that humans are inherently social creatures and forming healthy connections with others is crucial to our happiness.
But I do understand your very valid point. People won’t always be there (due to illness, death, other circumstances)… and so then you’re back to square one of being alone. So I do think there’s value in creating as best of an “alone” life as one possibly can. I should work on that more.
Nakata: Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate a lot. Even though deep down I see how patient, generous, and kind my boyfriend is to me- my anxiety still creeps in and looks for red flags, even when there are no discernible ones.
Everyone has their own idea of “reality” and I have thought to myself, “It would’ve been so much easier had I just chosen the optimistic view of “reality,” rather than the pessimistic one. I know it’s an underlying defense mechanism. I think if I can spot the signs of someone losing interest first, then I can mentally prepare myself for losing the person, getting my things in order, etc…
Anxiety has a lot to do with control. See the whole scenario above? I’m literally trying to control the situation in an effort to avoid pain. But that’s not how life works.
I think it’s time to relinquish control. I remember one therapy session where I was told to imagine myself floating down a river and just letting the current of life take me where it will. Is it a little scary? Of course. But I can’t keep living in this constant state of fear->anxiety->control. That’s not a peaceful way to live. So today I’ll try to just “float down the river.”
Thank you for the responses. You all made great points. I often deal with my fear of abandonment by self-soothing in negative ways. Examples: Overeating unhealthy food, seeking human connection through promiscuity, and distracting myself from my emotions by staying out late and drinking with friends. While I don’t think these have severely de-railed my life, they do often make me feel bad and I should instead seek out healthier ways of coping. For example: yoga, writing, meditation, cooking healthy recipes, socializing without always drinking, etc…
Inky, I also like how you described “other-izing” the parent. It’s actually comforting to think that maybe the only purpose my mom served for me was bringing me into the world. Nothing more, nothing less. I don’t know why I find comfort in that. Maybe it’s because it takes unrealistic expectations off of her. I know she’s never going to turnaround and be mother of the year. She’s simply a biological component in my life.June 27, 2017 at 6:50 pm in reply to: Still depressed about broken engagement 2.5 years later #155342
Eliana and Jennifer, thank you for your responses. My biggest take-away is there is no specific date in I will officially be over my first real relationship. While I legitimately do not want to be with my ex-fiance, I do still mourn the loss of certain aspects of that relationship and that particular time in my life. But I’m confident that at some point in the future these thoughts and feelings will become less and less.
Thank you both for your replies.
Anita- I have recommended he try a methadone maintenance treatment with a healthcare provider. He has unfortunately declined, but at least I can sleep at night knowing this is something I told him I’d help him find resources for and I’m happy to at least try. That’s all we can do sometimes, you know?
Mark- I liked your idea of mentally preparing yourself for “that call.” I’ve tried to imagine what I would do. My thoughts are to: 1) Acknowledge it 2) Gather information on next steps (example: information regarding a memorial service) 3) Notify whoever else may need to know 3) Get bereavement time in order to take a little time off of work 4) Get support from a loved one 5) This is the most important: Get into a mental state that won’t allow my current issues with anxiety and depression to take over. Death is a natural and normal part of life. Some people go earlier than others. How do I move along with my life? Take everything one step at a time and live in the present.
Thank you both for your replies. I like the idea of realistically thinking we could get “that call” at anytime and about anyone. For example, my dad is a farmer and accidents happen all of the time on farms. He could’ve had a fatal accident many times throughout my life, but I never worry about getting “that call” that something happened to him. It could happen to anyone… including my brother.
I do still get emotional thinking about my brother, but I’ve read a lot of other people’s stories about losing a family member to a drug overdose and I think it’s a complicated disease- like many others.
The reality is that one day he will not be here anymore (whether that’s in 10 months, 10 years, or 50 years). I’m not a fortune teller. I do know that the sadness I feel is a GOOD sign though, because that means he had a positive impact on my life while we were growing up, I think he’s an incredibly sensitive and special person, and I know he’s touched the lives of many.
It’s like I want to repeat to myself “death is a normal part or life, it’s a normal part of life…” My brain gets it. It’s my heart that seems to have the hardest time letting go.
I wish there were more redeeming qualities to this type of death though. It’s tragic. It’s not like an 80-year-old who lived a happy life and passed warm and cozy in their bed surrounded my family.
Understandably, that’s one of the most difficult things for me to come to terms with. When my grandpa passed away, it was a celebration of his long life.
My 23-year-old brother has a much different story.April 18, 2017 at 3:11 pm in reply to: Terrified of being left (by boyfriend, friends, or family) #145741
Thank you! I don’t hear that very often, so it means a lot to read those words. I love the community here at tiny buddha and have found a lot of comfort in the support offered here by the individuals who contribute to this forum.April 18, 2017 at 12:35 pm in reply to: Terrified of being left (by boyfriend, friends, or family) #145721
Anita, that definitely helps put things in perspective. As odd as it may sound, sometimes I forget that other people are experiencing the things you listed (disease, death, loss, etc…).
Sometimes I get stuck in the mindset that other people have it all. Financial success, happy relationships that result in marriage, health that allows them to climb mountains and run marathons, beautiful homes, healthy families, and the list goes on…
I look at my life and see metaphorical ruin. I’m currently seeing a therapist for anxiety and depression and I think the depression sometimes hangs a dark cloud over my head. It’s difficult to see past it sometimes, but I think practicing mindfulness and awareness can help me. I also liked your idea of your “thoughts being congruent with reality.” I think my mind lives in a fantasy world sometimes that everyone around me has it so much better. Realistically, that’s not the case. So thank you for the eye-opening response!
During one of our conversations he said he grew-up in a family that didn’t have deep conversations and they didn’t say I love you often, so he feels most comfortable continuing this communication style. I guess it’s apparent this is who he is. I was trying to communicate (as my therapist suggested) the types of things that would make me feel valued and fulfilled in a partnership and my boyfriend doesn’t seem to be willing to work with me.
It’s unfortunate because I want this to work because I love him a lot and in the moments when he has made that extra little bit of effort, I feel many positive emotions: fulfillment, gratitude, connection, and a deeper love.
So I guess it comes down to “is this something I can be with him and accept?” or “are we not compatible and there may come a time when I need to move on?”
Thank you for your encouraging responses, Anita and Nissa. I have already had two sessions with my therapist. So far they’ve been helpful. I liked your ideas about getting into a routine. I also think there was an emphasis on knowing that my irrational thoughts are just that: irrational thoughts. That is what I’m continuing to work on most, managing my thoughts and trying not to be in my head all day.
The good thing is, I’ve been living here for about 1 month and 2 weeks and I feel proud thinking, “I’m actually doing this!” I do feel a sense of accomplishment maintaining my apartment and I try to view it as a peaceful place for solitude as much as I can.