Forum Replies Created
February 25, 2016 at 3:45 pm in reply to: Is it ever okay to "give someone a piece of your mind?" #97248
Mishy, our stories sound so similar! So I actually DID get a text from him last night thanking me for sending his things and for the “thoughtful letter.” He said I wouldn’t have had to mail them back and asked if he could see me this afternoon after work to get food and coffee.
I will admit I said yes (I know, I know… Pleae go easy on me). Well I was looking forward to seeing him all day while I was working. He said he’d pick me up between 5:30-6:00. I was fully ready to leave (hair and make-up done, nice outfit picked out). He texted me at 5:00 saying he was stuck at work at the hospital with a difficult case. He said he was sorry, sent a picture “proving” he was still there in his scrubs, and then said “maybe we can meet this weekend.”
I know I brought this on myself. I had a feeling the plans would fall through. And of course he didn’t propose a specific day to meet again. He simply said that he was so sorry and “MAYBE” we could meet this weekend.
I just gave a short response and said “Sorry to hear that. Hope the rest of your week goes better.”
Mishy, I agree that we should both seek people who are at the minimum within the basic range of human kindness and empathy. And I also have felt the connection I had with him was a “mirage.” It was only real in my mind.
What a shame. I hope to come across a man in the future who is able to reciprocate the love and kindness I’m willing to give in a partnership.February 24, 2016 at 10:58 am in reply to: Is it ever okay to "give someone a piece of your mind?" #97047
Well, I mailed his stuff back to him and included a short, polite letter to part ways on a positive note. Just to reiterate, I never told him I was sending any of this. I saw online via the tracking information that it was delivered yesterday afternoon and it was put in a parcel locker in his apartment building (since the box wouldn’t fit in his small mailbox).
He either: 1) Hasn’t checked his mailbox. 2) The mailman didn’t leave a note stating he had a package in the parcel locker. 3) Or he did get it all and STILL doesn’t feel the need to call or text me to even tell me it was received.
If it’s #3, I feel that’s incredibly unfortunate… but if that’s the type of person he is then I really AM better off without him. I can’t say I know many people who would ignore other people to that extent. I never bombarded him with text messages. I’ve never actually called him once in the time I’ve known him. I never “gave him a piece of my mind” or acted particularly angry toward him. I don’t feel I did anything to warrant being ignored.
As I originally said I was going to do: I’m now free of his stuff, things on my end were concluded as positively as possible, and I can move on knowing there’s nothing more I could’ve done. So time to take a deep breath, release him from my life, and move on.
Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. You all offered a different and helpful perspective.
My takeaway while reading is that:
1) I have to let go of control in areas where I don’t have control. We don’t have 100% control of our futures. We can’t even guarantee tomorrow. I would like to “give it to the universe” and just let things unfold as they’re meant to.
2) When I change my perspective and look at my situation differently, it’s actually kind of nice to not have someone to answer to (a significant other), not be 100% responsible for another person’s life (a child), and to not have all of the extras that come along with being part of a typical married couple (a home owner with a mortgage, house maintenance, etc…). I have a lot of freedom right now.
3) Is not finding my “soulmate” or “best friend” (if that even exists) really the WORST thing that can happen in life? When you really think about it: no. There are worse things that could happen, such as: getting into a horrific accident, becoming permanently disabled, being diagnosed with an incurable disease, losing your immediate family members, etc…
So, I’ll try to focus more on what I DO have, open my heart to what is possible, and just let things unfold as they’re supposed to. I personally do believe everything happens for a reason.February 22, 2016 at 8:38 am in reply to: Is it ever okay to "give someone a piece of your mind?" #96756
Thank you all for the helpful responses. It sounds like the general consensus is to move on, let it be, and don’t go out of my way to contact him anymore (especially in an angry way). Deep down, I know love and kindness is always the answer.
I haven’t texted or contacted him. He still hasn’t contacted me. I agree it would come off desperate to text him again.
Instead of angrily throwing away his belongings, I feel I’ll be more at peace by sending them to him in the mail. I still have a short letter I wrote him just apologizing for anything I may have done that was hurtful in the past and telling him I’m still grateful for the good experiences I had with him.
I know it was suggested to write a letter and burn it, but I want to send it to him. I don’t expect a response to my letter.
The non-response is what hurts the most. I feel like I had (and still have) strong feelings for him. I think about him every single day. Like this morning I saw a blanket for sale online and remembered how he told me a couple of months ago he wanted a new throw blanket for his living room. My mind just randomly thinks about him and how much I miss him. His non-response deeply hurts me. I’ve literally wondered if I made up our “connection” and “special moments” in my head, because if he felt even close to what I feel, I believe he’d respond.
But here’s the reality: He doesn’t have feelings for me, he doesn’t want to see or talk to me, he doesn’t even want to respond to tell me he doesn’t want to see or talk to me… He’s literally indifferent to me. The past 7 months and time we spent together have meant NOTHING to him.
I’m astounded, hurt, and grieving. I opened up my heart so fully and in the end this person ignores me as if they’d rather I didn’t even exist to them. This is possibly one of the most hurtful, one-sided experiences so far in my life.
Well, I’ll mail him the stuff and when it’s mailed I’ll metaphorically “put it in the universe’s hands.” What’s done will be done and it’ll be time to move on.
Mishy, your friend sounds a lot like someone I recently was close to (but what we had recently ended).
Every interaction with him felt like getting a hit of a drug. I was filling a void and the things he would say to me “filled” that void. Unfortunately, things were one-sided in our relationship and he came and went as he pleased. The last time I heard from him was almost 2 weeks ago. He said we’d meet for coffee one last time and I could give him his things back. I texted him two days ago to set a time to meet and he never responded. At this point I don’t think he will because he’s unfortunately done this before. Just like you, I’ve deleted his number from my phone several times. It’s hard. I think about him multiple times per day, but this isn’t a healthy relationship.
I believe life is too short to invest energy in relationships that leave you feeling sad, confused, or unfulfilled. A real friend helps you grow as a person and genuinely cares for you. That’s what I believe anyway.February 15, 2016 at 12:39 pm in reply to: How do I overcome the heartbreak of this one-sided relationship? #96081
Heikki: Thank you for following up. The session with my counselor went well. He pretty much said what you recommended, that it would be okay to contact him, ask to meet up, and if he declines then simply wish him well, accept it, and move on.
He did challenge me to think about why I needed one last meet-up though. We came to the conclusion that I felt uncomfortable with not having control. A relationship is a partnership between two people. My relationship was one-sided and this person did things on their own terms. Now that the relationship is ending, I want to exercise some control and at least be acknowledged (acknowledged as a loss, acknowledged as a person, not just “discarded” or “pushed aside”). In reality though, I don’t have control. I can’t control how he’s going to act. I have to let go of that control and be at peace with how things are.
I haven’t heard from him in 10 days. I sent him a text a few hours ago saying, “Hey, I hope everything is going well. I’d still like to give you your things back and briefly meet-up. I still respect your decision [to move on]. It would be nice to see you one last time and to say good-bye on a positive note. If you’re not interested, just let me know.”
It’s a coin-toss whether or not he’ll respond. If he chooses to never respond then I’ll discard the few things I have of his and move on. It hurts, but not as much as before. I believe I did everything I could.
I heard a quote recently that helped me put things in perspective. I believe I had the capacity to give him a “gallon” of love, but he could only give me a “cup.” His “cup” of love wasn’t enough to make my feel fulfilled in a partnership. Sometimes you have to meet people where they are and love them at the level they can receive it. The only way for me to do this is to gently and kindly send him love, but leave (because it’s what he wants and what is ultimately best for both of us).
Do you feel this is a fair analysis of the situation? It might sound like I’m letting him off the hook, but I feel whatever I say or do won’t resonate with him because he simply doesn’t care. Why waste more of my energy on someone who doesn’t care about me in the way I cared about them? Why feel angry at him when I can feel free?February 11, 2016 at 10:01 am in reply to: How do I overcome the heartbreak of this one-sided relationship? #95796
Heikki: I think that’s a great approach! I’m going to get my counselor’s perspective during our meeting tomorrow. I think that may be the best way to do it though. It’s hard waiting for him to get in touch with me (it could be days, weeks, or possibly never), so I may as well see if he’ll accept to meet for coffee. If not, I’ll still wish him well. Even though I’m feeling sad right now, I’ll still know I tried and was able to end things on a good note from my side. I would most likely do exactly what you said, “tell him a friendly I wish you the best kind of goodbye. That you were happy to have met him and spent that brief time with him, and only wish him well.”
May: I got this information from an advice article written by a man who is a dating coach. It personally helped me. I just want to share this perspective. I apologize if this advice article comes off a little straightforward. I believe you deserve a deeply fulfilling, happy, content relationship with someone though.
“One thing you can do is “do nothing.” By not taking the initiative – and not reminding him that you’re alive and waiting for him – you get to see whether he’s truly into you. A man who is into you calls, plans dates, keeps in touch in between, commits, and makes you feel valued as a girlfriend. A man who is not into you doesn’t do these things.
That brings me to my other philosophy, “men do what they want.” Your emotions can cloud your judgment. It’s almost as if what you WANT to be true is superseding what IS true. As a result, women stay in dead-end relationships with men who don’t call them, commit to them, or talk about a future with them.
So why wouldn’t a man call, commit, or talk about a future? Because he doesn’t want to.
Your next move is to tell him the truth: you’re looking for a boyfriend, not an occasional texting buddy, dinner companion, and sex partner. If he’s not gonna step it up, you’re gonna step out.”
February 10, 2016 at 9:57 pm in reply to: How do I overcome the heartbreak of this one-sided relationship? #95768
- This reply was modified 8 years ago by dreaming715.
May, what you wrote resonated with me. Because he’s in his residency, I understand that’s his top priority. I always wanted to be respectful and understanding of that. What I didn’t understand is why he signed up on a dating website, pursued me pretty heavily and asked me on a date, just to later emotionally withdraw and say, “I’m just so busy in my life right now.”
I feel deep down that what he did was selfish. It takes less than 5 minutes out of an entire 24 hour day to utilize the convenient technology we have now to simply tell someone, “Hey, I’ve got a lot going on with work today, just wanted to say I hope you’re having a good day.”
But he would often not do that. And why? Because he didn’t want to! While I’m still heartbroken, a part of me feels relieved that I don’t have to make excuses for him anymore. In the 7 months we knew each other he never met one of my friends. Not a single one. He never even asked to. Why? Because he didn’t care enough to. I always made excuses for him and told my friend’s, “He’s really busy… He’s a doctor. He’s like this to everyone…” I’m done with the excuses.
I deserve someone who feels as excited about me as I do about them. Not someone who throws me crumbs of attention when he’s feeling lonely in his downtime or tells me he’ll text me and then doesn’t for days. This was a classic “he’s just not that into you.” It was like a story right out of that book. I was just too head-over-heels and created something wishful in my mind that wasn’t really there. In my personal opinion, when you deeply care about someone and want to be with them, there won’t be questions if it’s a healthy relationship and the feelings are mutual. Anyways, thanks for your response and keep us posted!February 10, 2016 at 7:40 pm in reply to: How do I overcome the heartbreak of this one-sided relationship? #95750
Sure, I guess I felt “warm and fuzzy” in the way that I was numbing my emotional pain and filling a void with copious amounts of sugar?
And “dreaming” of being content being alone.February 10, 2016 at 6:43 pm in reply to: How do I overcome the heartbreak of this one-sided relationship? #95734
Thank you for the replies and helpful, encouraging insight. Heikki: If we met, I do think I could detach myself from being together. I know we weren’t meant to be but I feel leaving on a happy note would bring me some peace and closure. Almost like it wasn’t all for nothing and that what we had was special, even if it wasn’t meant to be for the long run. Is my imagined scenario reality? I honestly don’t know. I feel like it’s a coin toss. He also still hasn’t contacted me to get back his things and its been 5 days since we last texted. I know there’s a possibility he could take it as a chance to disappear and I could never hear from him again. This would probably hurt the most. The things I have of his aren’t anything super special. He could easily replace them.
So I read that when you’re used to being co-dependant and you want to find happiness alone, you should “date” yourself. Basically if it’s something you’d typically want from a significant other, you do it for yourself. Learning “self-love” while being single is difficult and foreign to me.
Well, every Valentine’s Day for several years I was given flowers and/or small gifts from a significant other. It was something I enjoyed so I’m trying to do that for myself this year. When I was at the grocery store I bought a bouquet of flowers that I could put on my desk. I also bought sea-salted caramel gelato and a brownie (yeah, I know I’m several days early with all of this). On the car ride home I was thinking about how it didn’t feel the same doing all of this for myself. I didn’t have that “warm, fuzzy” feeling or a feeling of surprise. I ended up sobbing on the drive home because of the heartbreak and knowing that I don’t have intimacy or companionship right now. I thought the flowers and stuff would make me feel better. Not really. Maybe I have to get used to the feeling of being alone first.
- This reply was modified 8 years ago by dreaming715.
This advice from an article on this website has been extremely helpful to me in dealing with heartbreak.
We all want closure. In looking for this type of closure, we are often giving away our power. We’re saying, “I cannot move past this experience until…”
The outside world cannot take care of our feelings. Only we’re able to do that internally. Release the need for outside mediation or validation.
Assert that we can move forward regardless of what is happening in the outside world.
Remind yourself that anger hurts you more than the other person who upset you. What can you do about this? Visualize it melting away. This is an act of kindness to yourself.
Also remind yourself of how this person was not perfect and potentially unhealthy for you or prevented you from moving in a forward direction in your life. Think of the quote, “It’s easier to let go of a human than a hero.”
We can all get through this! I can say with absolute certainty that we won’t feel this way forever. The only constant in life is change and it would be impossible to remain in this state of mind. Amazing, fulfilling things are ahead of us!February 9, 2016 at 7:47 pm in reply to: How do I overcome the heartbreak of this one-sided relationship? #95638
All of your responses have been a source of hope for me. Thank you so much!
Just a quick update: He still hasn’t contacted me about picking up his stuff. This is hurtful because he has an opportunity to talk to me or at the very least see me one last time and I know he’s not in any rush to do so. I haven’t contacted him because I actually have an appointment with my therapist in three days and I kind of want to hear their perspective one what I should do from here.
I don’t know why but there’s this part of me that wants us to meet for coffee one last time, talk, laugh, hold hands, and leave with one happy memory.
Is this crazy? Why do I feel like this will give me closure? Maybe because I’ll know on some level he did care about me enough to leave with one happy ending. But what does it matter what he thinks of me anyways?February 9, 2016 at 7:34 pm in reply to: Was broken up with and given no explanation – unable to have closure. #95637
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m dealing with a lot of heartbreak as well and have found a few things that have seemed to help me personally.
1) Unfollow/delete them off of all social media sites.
2) Delete their number from your phone.
3) Move or get rid of things that will be a strong reminder of them.
4) Google “acceptance and commitment therapy.”
5) Read fiction as an escape.
6) This has been the most difficult, but most rewarding thing for me personally: Do new things by yourself. I feel uncomfortable being alone so I’ve made small steps to do things outside of my comfort zone that I wouldn’t normally do. This helps me learn to be less co-dependent. I go shopping alone, treat myself to good food, coffee, or tea alone, explore new hobbies alone, etc… Also, if you aren’t ready to do these things alone, try them with a good friend.