Hi Anita: I appreciate you, and everyone, who responds on this forum. Your attitude of “as long as you are with me, we keep going trying to understand.” Thank you!! It’s a wonderful quality when someone is resilient in their attempts to help others.

Just a thought. Maybe it’s not necessarily me (or anyone) who is doing anything “wrong.” Since this is a pattern with the majority of my online dating attempts, maybe it’s actually the medium and the seemingly common types of personalities that flock to it.

My guess is that online dating is sort of like online shopping. You see a shiny new toy, you have to have it, you get excited when you do. After awhile, the novelty wears off and you start thinking “but what about the other shiny toys out there?” The options of online dating (if you live in a relatively populated area) are almost endless.

I also read an article about online dating creates an inflated sense of infatuation and almost promotes a false intimacy. You’re meeting someone who is essentially a stranger to you and it’s all new and exciting, your brain is high off of a dopamine rush, and then then rush inevitably ends. To be honest, online dating might just be more a “luck of the draw” type of thing. When it works for people, I think they’re the exception, not the rule.

And Katie, I forgot to answer your question. He is 31 (well, will be in about 1 month) and his longest relationship was 2 years long and that was almost a decade ago. To my knowledge, most of his dating experience has not been super serious and he’s never lived with anyone.

Also I texted him yesterday at 2:30 pm and my text included a question and he never texted me back.

Still feeling hurt and like this further exemplifies the one-sided feelings and his disinterest. So I’m just not going to text him anymore (unless he starts initiating texts) because I feel this is a clear sign that he would prefer to not be in close contact right now. Got the hint, loud and clear.

adriannalc, Katie, and anita: Thank you all for your responses! A few thoughts: Katie said, “…but it could be he is just not as emotionally connected as you need. Do you think you will remain interested in him?” My answer is no. I’m not comfortable staying in a relationship where there is a one-sided effort to create and maintain an emotional connection.

anita said, “Maybe the pattern we mentioned in other threads is that you take yourself out of the equation of the relationship, as if you are a neutral party to it, not one to choose or judge. It is all up to him- he makes the rules, you neutrally wait for him.” This is so spot-on. I was nodding my head while reading that statement. I think I also make new relationships too much of a priority and I stop doing things I enjoy (examples: yoga, painting, writing, cooking, trying new classes).

Have things changed since I posted a couple of days ago? No. He actually was out of the state on Sunday at a music festival (he purchased his ticket before we met). He didn’t contact me at all that day. Then early the next morning he had to go to the ER due to an issue with his left lung (this is the third time this has happened, it’s a condition he has managed for over a decade). He did text me to me let know that he was in the hospital, his friend was there, his family was coming, and he was having surgery tomorrow (aka today).

I obviously told him I was sorry to hear that the issue with his lung reoccurred and told him if there was anything he needed I was there for him. He didn’t really text me again. Last night before I went to bed I texted, “I’m going to get ready for bed soon, everything will go well tomorrow! Keep me updated after you’ve had time to rest after surgery, Good night”

His response, “Thanks. And good night.”

This is an opportunity to welcome my support as someone he is dating and it’s clear to me that he isn’t interested in communicating any more than he has to (this was even days before the lung occurrence). There does come a point where you can’t force someone to want to talk to you, be emotionally intimate with you, etc…

I’m going to hold off on initiating contact because I honestly don’t think he wants to hear from me right now. He’s obviously going through a difficult time with his lung, so I’m going to just let things be, let him rest, and be there if he needs me (which I highly doubt he will reach out to me for anything since he doesn’t seem interested in even making small talk at the moment…).

Once he’s home, settled, and on the mend (like has had many days to recover), I don’t think I’m going to stay with him. I’m not currently interested in attending the weddings with him anymore because it’s clear that he’s indifferent toward me. It hurts, but I do feel I tried my best to do what I knew at the time. He just lost interest as the weeks went on.

Thank you for the additional comments. My key take-aways: 1) Be mindful about what may be causing this to happen over and over. 2) Change how I’m going about things. I liked the suggestion of listening to music in another language to not become attached to negative lyrics. 3) Love your life regardless. I’m here anyways… so I get to choose how to spend my time.

“Unless you are akin to Grendel’s Mother, odds are, there will be plenty of men interested in getting to know you.”

This is well meaning, but not accurate. Interestingly, I’ve been told that I’m attractive (so for now we can rule out the “Grendel’s Mother bit). I also enjoy staying informed about current events, I like to read (I finished a book two nights ago), I also enjoy museums and trying many different kinds of food. I have a college degree. I’ve been working at the same company (a good company) for the past 3.5 years.

And yet this is all NOT enough to keep a man interested beyond 1-2 months. I go out, I like to laugh, I like to meet people. Interestingly… This has all not been appealing enough to those I’ve become vulnerable for and opened my heart to.

I was listening to Miranda Lambert the other day and her lyrics were, “I’m giving up on love because love has given up on me.”

I can’t say I’m happy with my life right now. I haven’t been happy for a long time.

Anita, This was a great quote: “He said two people are not always as close to each other; there is always motion: moving closer and away. Like planets he said. It makes sense as everything in motion, from electrons, atoms to planets. So must it be with people, always moving and that includes moving closer and away, closer and away.”

I’ve never thought of it from this perspective before. I’ll keep this in mind!

Sandstorm: Thank you for your response. I agree with you and have decided that taking a break is best right now because it is draining my energy. So all my dating apps and subscriptions have been deleted! Also, I like your idea of concentrating on one person at a time. I’ve read articles that say you should keep your options open because that’s most likely what the person you’re dating is doing… but that gets draining and I don’t think you’re giving the people you’re seeing a fair shot. By the way- I LOVE that song! 

Eris: “The more you try and get something the more you drive it away.” Ahh yes, this does seem to be true. I hope to eventually gain as much positive insight as you have. Your optimism really came through in your post. Thanks for sharing your perspective!

Anita: To this day, I STILL think about that post you wrote me!  I’ve done a lot more critical thinking while talking to men and it has helped. I feel I’m more familiar now with signs that they aren’t interested (or if they’re saying extravagant things during the first or second time I meet them- that’s a red flag).
So I tried to think of things I tell guys that may be “off putting,” but I can’t really pinpoint anything specific? Sometimes I feel it’s what I DON’T say. For example, I’m turning 28 but haven’t had the chance to do much traveling due to finishing school and working at the same company for the past 3 and a half years. I make a modest income but still try to talk about the things I do enjoy. Example, “Hey! I saw this great exhibit at the art museum the other weekend!” “Have you ever heard of Blue Apron cooking class? I’ve been meaning to check it out.” “The other day I heard about a music festival coming to our city… what is your opinion on ___ kind of music?” I feel like I’m taking somewhat of the right approach? Unfortunately, I don’t have any exciting trips to talk about, like: “I just went back-packing in Argentina!” Or “I just had work published in a literary magazine!” Maybe I’m too average on dates…? =/

Kirk: Thanks for responding! You made a great point that I have control over my own happiness and another person shouldn’t have to fulfill that. But what if I’m actually fairly happy with my life and I just long to have a partner to share happy experiences with? I like that you’ve challenged me with this thought, but isn’t it sort of natural as a human to crave interactions with a partner? Or do you feel I’m missing the mark on this one?

Brav3: Thank you for your response. Good call on pointing out my flawed beliefs and ideas. They aren’t facts… they really are intangible beliefs and nothing is set in stone. So I shouldn’t spend energy focusing on them. Also, I liked the questions you asked and will spend time thinking about my answers to them. It IS possible that I could end up married with a husband, a house, and kids, and STILL be unhappy. So where is the unhappiness coming from? What is the source? That’s actually a great question. Also, I’m sorry to hear you’re also struggling with loneliness. Just know you’re absolutely not alone and we’re all here for you.

Thoughtfullearning: I actually did read a book called “Get the Guy” by Matthew Hussey… I don’t think it worked for me. It seemed hyper-focused on “do this to make him feel this…” It’s not that easy and the interactions aren’t always that black and white. So I’ll have to check out the suggestion from Eris.

Nina Sakura: Thanks for responding. I thought about your questions. “How is your relationship with yourself? How are other areas of your life going?” I struggle with this question. I feel a little beat down by several aspects of my life. My poor relationship with my mom (she just isn’t capable of having a loving relationship with me). Working hard to earn a degree and not feeling happy about my current income. Being diagnosed with a chronic illness (nothing life-threatening, but I have to manage it daily). I guess the one thing I want is a significant other to love me and I can’t even get that. So I’m kind of at a point of, “Well… you tried, but your past 27 years have been mediocre at best. Nothing that will go down in the books as exceptional.” And you’re right. I feel I should metaphorically “wave the white flag,” and just let go of this all. And by that I mean focus on myself and not the outside factors of my life (which somehow always seem to go wrong or lead to never-ending struggle).