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Hello Julie, I hope since you’ve posted this you are feeling better. I hope you know it’s okay to be afraid, and that you are worthy as you are, every panicky, sorrowful part of you. I read some interesting points regarding life that have recently helped me through anxiety. It went something like this…we own nothing. Not our appearance to others, not our relationships, our positions, nor our things. All things are impermanent. We suffer because we try to control, like grappling with the wind and constantly wondering why we haven’t caught it yet. You cannot possess security, not in anything you have. Not in your body which can fail you at any moment, not in how others will see you. So when we’re caught off guard and things fall apart around us we freak out, we want things to be a certain way. But the anguish you feel is good, it’s freeing you from your false sense of security, freeing you from irrational attachment to impermanence. So how can we find peace when nothing is certain in our lives? By knowing we can still love. I more I reflect on it the more I realize that’s the point behind everything. Loving the fleeting gift of life around you that you’re lucky to see, the people who choose everyday to love you, and experiencing the unique wonder that is you, that will free you. That will bring you peace. It will not happen over night, but keep trying to cultivate that love inside you and you will feel better. It’s alright Julie, I love you and I hope my view has helped you some.
Thank you Anita, thank you Shelly. The robot idea is interesting, but I’m not sure how I could disconnect like that. But it would be nice to detach myself sometimes. It’s interesting you pretended to act Shelly, not sure it that’s my cup of tea but I’m glad it worked for you! As far as using managers sometimes it’s just a rude person and it happens so fast there’s nothing to do about it, they are often people who just glare at you for making a mistake or say something mean quickly and move on like you don’t matter. It’s so incredibly busy where I work I don’t even catch the personal info of some of these people. I am thinking of quick responses I can make that show I won’t tolerate abuse and are mature so hopefully that will help.
Katie, do not beat yourself up over the incident with your dog and boyfriend. Perhaps you were careless but what’s done is done. You make mistakes, not because you are flawed but because you react in a way you understand, and our understanding is always limited. We are creatures of habit and how we treat and assess others, be it carelessly or not, we learned at some point in our life where that response worked. Once a response or habit is ingrained it’s hard to break and we all face different hurtles in the path to breaking it. I’m telling you this because I got the impression that you beat yourself up a lot but you shouldn’t, it wastes your energy on a pattern of thinking that doesn’t even make sense. Be compassionate to yourself.
It sounds like you’re between a rock and a hard place, your boyfriend and your dog. If you look at yourself objectively and ask yourself can I really put in the time and energy to heal my dog and feel you can’t, it’s time for a change. Find your dog a home that will heal him. If you are sure you can, than do your very best to heal him. Go all the way. Use the knowledge of the trainers and all you’ve learned. If you think your boyfriend is wrong in his handling of him, which it sounds like he might be if force is his main response, tell him respectfully. Ultimately this dog is your responsibility, not his, and you have to do what you think is best. Yes he was bitten by the dog and that can make him resentful, but what’s done is done, all that can be done now is be kind and understanding towards each other. Don’t bring your dog around your boyfriend if all it does is incite negativity, but work on that dog if you’re going to keep him! A violent dog is a very serious matter, know what you’re getting into.
As far as your boyfriend goes don’t let him berate you over past mistakes anytime your dog is discussed, because in truth that does neither of you any good. Resentment never made any couple closer! At the same time make amends to him for your dog’s behavior by being compassionate and maybe doing kind gestures. The biggest advice I think I can give you is know when a situation has become too much for you. All you can do is your best. If your limit is met with that dog give him up, if your best apologies is not enough for your boyfriend than walk away or change the situation if he’s willing. Know when it’s not your fight anymore because you did your part.
I feel I can relate to your situation, as I broke up recently with my best friend and although we are still best friends a part of me wonders, well, wishes is probably more appropriate, that we’ll get together again. This is pretty much what I did to ease my pain.
I think perhaps you should reflect on what you want and what you give in a relationship. Do not settle for 9/10 on your want list, and be sure those wants are things you know you’d reciprocate unconditionally. Try making it when you are feeling calm. Since he was willing to walk away from you, consider if that’s something you would do to him. If you are willing to weather hard times you deserve the same treatment. Is a soulmate doing that what you want, what you deserve? Try not to let your feelings get in the way of this judgement call, rather think about the fairness of the give and take in this relationship. Think about how both of you should want this relationship, how you deserve to feel wanted, how much you want him and the possible discrepancy therein. He may be a wonderful guy, but not what you need. Maybe years down the road you will be right for each other. But you cannot pine over him waiting for that time. It needs to come of its own accord between two happy, fulfilled people. As difficult as it is, I think you are doing the right thing. Perhaps you can get a place closer to your work with roommates so you’ll save money and meet new people.
This split is going to hurt like hell, but remind yourself that you are both good people who only do the best they can with what they understand, and as the saying goes, it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. 🙂 Resentment and blame will bring you no peace, you do not have to feel these things. Be compassionate towards him and yourself. And finally listen to your gut, especially when you don’t want to, because the truth will take you where you need to be. Best of luck friend, this experience will help you help others one day, maybe more people who’ve lost a soul mate. 🙂June 30, 2015 at 4:02 pm in reply to: What does a healthy long term relationship look like? #79058
I loved reading these, a lot of insight from so many different experiences. 🙂 I have recently broken up with my best friend and reflecting a lot on what I consider love to be, so maybe my thoughts will be illuminating or your responses to them will be more so. Love to me is like a fire that you and your partner tend. The fuel is respect, which is the heavier logs that keep it steadily burning. Respect is made up of mutual trust and honesty, all the big things that make you want to invest in a long term commitment. Tenderness is the kindling, which gets it up again when it is burning low. Tenderness is made up of affection, humor, fun, all the little things that bring you joy. Neither of you alone can keep the fire going, each of you need to rest and vigilance is required lest the embers go out. Couples can use up all their fuel and have a hot fire burn out or either can not give enough and watch it slowly die. Seems to me a good relationship is all about balance. Give and take should be about equal and both parties should equally want the relationship to succeed.
Hello Anita, I did not attack his sexual abilities, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t insult him, although I was at some points very upset so that’s possible. I did my best to apologize for any hurtful words as did he. I should explain what our fight was better. It started with him needing to admit this attraction issue to me. It was very hard for him, I feel he genuinely wasn’t trying to hurt me. He said some wonderful things before he admitted it to me, that he wants to grow old with me, that he can’t imagine not having me in his life. When he broke the news I struggled to understand it and began asking questions as to the nature of what he found to be unattractive about me. He didn’t know how to explain it. I was confused and hurt, some of the things he said seemed contradictory, such as finding me attractive in the bedroom yet he doesn’t really find me attractive? And yes when I got to a breaking point with him he turned around and said simply talking about it made it better.
I brought my trust issue and insecurity up with him. I tried to convey my feelings while thinking a lot about what Matt suggested. I tried to convey my feelings in a genuine non-accusing manner. He then admitted to me that he now thinks he was wrong, talking about it didn’t make him feel better, he still does not find me not very attractive but deeply loves me. He didn’t want me to leave and doesn’t think we’ll ever be just friends. I do not understand what he feels and he doesn’t seem to know and/or understand how to articulate his feelings. It was very painful for both of us and in the end I decided to walk away from this relationship. He really is a wonderful person, my best friend and a caring soul, but I don’t feel good about myself with him. I am pretty heartbroken as I’m sure he is too. I hope he can better explain to me his feelings and we can resolve this in the near future. I wish I knew what he felt better. Thank you both for trying to help me. Not sure what more I can do.
Thank you Matt, that was really insightful! If I’m understanding correctly you’re saying he felt more attracted to me after getting it off his chest because his heartfelt connection with me grew, thus his overall attraction for me grew. You’re also saying he mistook the effects of some other stressful factors as a lack of sexual attraction towards me. So a viable solution is working through this stressful goop by making more heartfelt talks/time together. I can honestly say this is a fresh perspective for me and I will share it with him. I hope you are right as that lightens my heart considerably. As for asking each other about fantasies we do communicate those things, but it never hurts to ask again. I think it’s safe to say we’re open about everything, which is part of the reason this was so hard for me. Thank you for your ideas, they are much appreciated Matt!
Thanks for replying Anita! Our sex life was good, even if we didn’t have as much sex as I would have liked. He explained that the lack of sexual attraction was part of the reason we didn’t have sex as often as I would have liked. When we did have sex it was passionate and intimate for me, everything I could want truly. We were always up front about what we liked/disliked and respectful of each other. As far as I knew we both have always been very honest with each other. This was the first time I was thrown for a loop. He told me our sex life was better by far than his previous relationships in terms of it’s intimacy and our eagerness to please each other, yet he couldn’t understand why he wasn’t as attracted to me as some of his previous girlfriends. I’m not sure what to make of that. The girlfriends before that he found sexually attracted were both unhealthy relationships. One had borderline personality disorder and would threaten him regularly, the other never loved him. I don’t think they were bad people, one is a close friend of mine, but I know he was deeply unhappy in those relationships. I suppose I can see why both of them could be deemed more attractive than me, but my attractiveness has never been a concern of mine till now. I understand we are far more than our looks and we should cultivate our inner beauty most of all, of course this doesn’t stop me from feeling insecure every now and then. Yet now I am certainly more self conscious of my looks. Thank you for letting me vent all this, it’s painful for me to think about. I don’t care if the whole world finds me attractive, but I do care about my significant other finding me desirable every once and a while. 🙁June 11, 2015 at 12:29 pm in reply to: Wanting female perspective on relationship breakdown #78096
Oh Paul, you sound like a sweet heart. I know it must hurt terribly, but you should not be with this woman. She may mean well, but she is not trying to meet your needs. If you tell someone you love them and they reply with “I know you do.” it’s a safe bet they are not invested in you. She may love you and want you around but that is probably to fill holes within herself she can only fix herself. There is a woman out there who is whole, will meet your needs, she will tell you she loves you everyday, she will make you feel beautiful, wanted, and secure. You will happily listen to and respect each others’ needs because you know each other are good for reciprocation. Let this woman down kindly and pursue things you’ve always wanted to, really live your life Paul, no one will live it for you. You will be no good for her anyways when you are unhappy.
Hello Helen. I can tell from reading what you wrote to C that you try your best to be kind, approachable, and fair. Perhaps C is a great guy, and for whatever reason he is very hurt right now and cannot try out a relationship when he is wounded, even if it is with someone so clearly as wonderful as you. This is a good opportunity for you to cultivate your compassion and ability to forgive and let go. No one is perfect, and we are all a product of various factors that accumulated during our lifetimes. His hurt however misplaced is very real for him. My advice is to approach him with only compassion and let him go gently. Only pursue the friendship right now if it doesn’t have the ability to reopen healing wounds for you. Maybe years from now he will look back on how you treated him and call on you to be a friend. Maybe he won’t, but it doesn’t matter, because you did what was right for both of you. You could say that you understand right now both your wounds are too fresh for pursuing anything and you do not want to cause anymore suffering. Bid him love, apologies, and forgiveness. I know it’s incredibly hard to walk away from someone you love so dearly, I am familiar with the hole it can leave in you. But it is worse to break your own heart by disrespecting yourself. It sounds like he is unwilling to reciprocate your feelings, don’t hurt yourself by trying to get something he is unwilling to give. Please do what is right for you Helen, you’ll do no one good if you are not good to yourself. These are my humble thoughts on your situation, I hope I have helped some and have not come across as preachy! Much love!
Matt said your “crazy” simply means “I’m passionate but also scared.” True words! It’ll be alright Mellilot. Keep your chin up and keep swimming and the sea will eventually calm. The only madness is quitting your pursuit of happiness. All the shaky moments are just learning phases which like suffering help you learn to help others, the best possible form of happiness! Those are my thoughts anyways. I hope things have improved for you since you’ve posted this.November 28, 2014 at 9:15 pm in reply to: Loved a woman couldn't come out of the closet and it almost ruined me. #68523
Hello Elle and Lavender. I couldn’t help but be reminded of my past romance reading your stories. I was with a man who grew apart from me. I kept fighting to make it work but he was slowly becoming noncommittal and reticent until we couldn’t cope. I learned when a person doesn’t fight for you, they don’t really want to be with you. Ultimately I find this is a good thing, even though it causes you grief the failed relationship teaches you valuable insights. As for them, they have probably grown closer to finding themselves through the ups and downs of your relationship, perhaps this was your gift to them.
Now I may have misread but it sounds like you both are, in your own way, still waiting or settling for these individuals. This seems unwise to me, life is too short to wait for someone to grow to love you. If they have issues with commitment that equates to a lack of self knowledge. Someone who does not know themselves cannot know what they truly desire, which means they cannot give you what you seek. I say let them go, do not seek them out and add to their confusion by trying to romance them or encouraging their misguided advances. (A fickle person trying to actualize the self via intimacy is not unusual, but it’s often disparaging for the cognizant party involved.) Both of you ladies sound like loving, giving people, find or wait for a kindred spirit. When you meet someone who makes you feel utterly wanted and appreciated you’ll wonder why you ever put up with anything else. There are over 6 billion people on earth, rest assured the odds of meeting that special someone are good, and you deserve to be with them.
Much love. 🙂