@norit I’m happy you got something out of my disassociation post. It sounds like you’re on the right path to recovery. Thanks, your insight does help.

@anita and @greenshade, thank you for the advice and your own experiences! Greenshade, I’ll have to try the Tarzan voice. And, Anita, I’ll definitely consider turning to healthier distraction methods, and try not to go into my head.

@Will I guess I always saw myself as the exception to the rule. I’ve been able to make ammends with what happened at the rave/club in Barcelona, Spain. It’s just it’s harder for me to let go of the second story. Now looking back I understand why I thought this woman might be a mail order bride. The man and the woman were around the same age (she looked a little bit younger), they were holidng hands, and both were dressed in casual formal attire. She seemed docile but not emotionally distressed, and he wasn’t domineering, but cold. I worked at an Asian restaurant so it seemed like going there was more for her. The thing is though he could have been a pimp. He could have been a “john”. Or he could have just been some guy. I will never know. The thing that I wrestle with was when my co-worker said “he totally bought her” and I immediately thought no he didn’t and I rationalized she could be a mail order bride. My gut though told me something was up. I felt creepiness and anger towards this man; however it was confusing because my senses indicated nothing unsual was going on. Visually the woman was not screaming. She wasn’t 15. I just thought there was no way this could be a case of human sex trafficking yet the woman who gave the presentation’s face kept popping up. I ignored my gut instinct. They left. Later on that night after my shift I realized she could have been and felt horrible for not listening to my instinct and giving a tip. At the end of the day maybe she was and maybe she wasn’t. I honestly think she probably was. Months later I realized I could still file a tip and I did file a potential trafficking case, but I still feel bad. I don’t know this guy’s name or hers and I forget the exact date. That information could have helped her. I think a part of me during that incident rationalized it via observation, but another part of me was probably in denial. Irrationally, I feel like this is a dirty, dark secret that once anyone knows won’t love me and will find me despicable. Honestly though I’ve told my parents and my then boyfriend and all were understanding and didn’t judge me. In fact, my then boyfriend told me some of the best advice: that everyone freezes. No one starts out not freezing. That it’s through freezing we recognize the behavior and then can change it so that we learn to not do it. He was one of the most non judgemental people. We broke up a month ago and it has forced me to face my own demons on my own (which is for the best but pretty painful). I think it’s a matter of me not loving and not forgiving myself. I think in a weird way also is that by not letting go of this incident I’m also not letting go of him. I had already processed this information 5 months ago and inputted the human trafficking hotline in my phone. Other incidences have happened where I haven’t been a bystander and I know this incident has helped with that. I filed a report. I’ve done everything I can and yet I don’t want to let this go because his face keeps coming up and giving me that advice.