What can i say, whatever comes out of my mouth will be delivered with anger for all children of alcoholics who never deserved such treatment (i have an alcoholic father as well). Each case is different.

If in your situation boundaries helped you reclaim your life then don’t abandon them. That is all i have to say.

And don’t feel guilty for putting boundaries when your father is ill. You said your self that he hurts you when you are near him.
Even if it helped you being near him you can’t let one life be consumed by pain (your life) for the sake of another life(your fathers’).

Take care of yourself
George

• This reply was modified 9 years ago by George.

Dear Buddha123

I understand your problem. I gone through similar tough decisions. They were not easy, nor one-way no regret so don’t feel bad if you can’t decise easily. I am not going to give you any advice, wonderfull advices had already been given by fellow tinybiddhists. I am only going to provide you with some questions you should ask your self!

Do you feel that you love each other and this is not a toxic relationship?
Do you think the only think left to be made is a decision?
Do you feel through these four years that the problem this relationship didn’t work out was financial, due to communication, or emotional immaturity? If it is emotional immaturity it means this relationship can’t work due to emotional reasons and neither of you has the courage to carry on with the splitting.

Take care
George

Dear thinker

A marriage advice without really knowing your marriage is a risky advice. I would not say to you what to do i only suggest to reconsider some of the things you shared with us. What follows is some questions that could help you (or not) with your relationship. Please don’t be stressed by the amount of questions. You don’t have to answer all of them. Maybe some of them matter to you, some other not. Please see this as a thinking tank, that only wishes to better your marriage. 🙂

You have tried everything to help the marriage? Maybe there some options you haven’t thought. For example ask yourself not only about the current situation of your romantic relationship but also the past situations.
Were you always like this and you simply can’t take it any longer? Or perhaps something occured during your marriage. Loss of a loved one, loss of communication, loss of sexual intimacy, financial obligations, stress from work, stress from children or relatives, loss of mutual interests, loss of common goals.

Have you considered going to a marriage counselor?
Can you afford it? Or maybe there is free support near your area that you have access to? What is your opinion about marriage counseling, would it help you and your husband overcome your difficulties? If not, how about seperate counseling? Would this help?

You love him very much.
What is it that you love about your husband. Is he sweet to you, loyal, caring. What is it that he loves about your self? Do you remind to yourselfs why you love each other often?

In the moments of tranquillity why are you happy and calm? In the moments of fighting why are you unhappy and sad?
What i want to say is, are there any kind of triggers before each stage of your peace/fight weeks? Hidden feelings, certain thoughts that arise just before the fight, or maybe a specific subject that you argue about?

You have your thoughts on this matter.
Where your efforts one sided most of the time? You may argue simultaneously, but did you ever sit together, each person speaking about his/her thoughts and feelings about the problems you are facing together? Do you know his opinion and what he suggests to do for your problems?

I really hope you overcome your problems. I really wish you are going to be happy again! As for happy marriages well i don’t know but happy all the time? Is this actually possible? I honestly don’t know…and don’t have any examples to share with you of 100% happy marriages. Maybe as human beings what we can achieve is mutual understanding and support to and from our partner in life.

All my best wishes for your marriage
George

• This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by George.
• This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by George.

Dear Csaba

You must be really hurting having all that anger inside you. You are not a terrible person Csaba. You are questioning your thoughts.
You say “What is wrong with me?” “What have i become?” Only a kind-hearted person would bother having these thoughts. A kind hearted person suffering from exhaustion perhaps…

Maybe you gave all your love to the world, again and again, getting little in return, or not love in forms and results you expected it to be.

Did you ever tell your story, share your feelings with someone? Or was it always one way affection you experienced? Did you expect people will listen to your problems because you listened to their problems? Because in reality to get help you should ask for help. Unfortunately people can’t guess if we are in pain. Fortunately if we are in pain and let it be known, people respond.

Csaba i am really, really sorry, for the bad emotions boiling up inside you. More important than listening to yourself, is someone else listening to you!

You have every right to go to that gym and work out 4 times a week and no one should try and bother you while you recharge your batteries. No one!

It is normal to overreact. Your emotions took hold of you because you haven’t payed any attention to them!
A boiling kettle to return to normal temperature must be cooled again. A safe way to cool down is to speak to someone you think will listen. Is there anyone that you think will listen to you if you ask them to?

Also try spendind time with yourself. Doing things you enjoy truly. Grab a bicycle and tour the city! Draw a painting, take pictures, do meditation, try mindfullness videos on youtube.They were suggested to me, and helped me calm down in a time of need. Also, hang out with people that don’t drain your energy!

I hope this helped a little, fellow tinybuddhits may be more helpfull.

Take care of yourself, you deserve it!
George

• This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by George.

Hey Kath

This really unfortunate what happened to the boy i mean.
I had a similar experience with my first love.
We broke up because of me, i realised some things were not able to be fixed, so i gave up and started “fixing” my self.
I like the metaphor you are using about the fire. However the part that really scared me was the one with the wet wood.

Do you think people out there exist that are wet woods, lost cases so to speak, and are unable to enter a warming fire, a lasting relationship?

Take care
George

Dear cperrone

Are you protecting someone behaving like that when you help him avoid the consquences of his behavior?
If you really want to help him, you should procceed with the restraining order. That way he will learn a lot about what happens when you systematically abuse a person, what means enforcement of law-the irony of it being that he wishes to represent law enforcement.
I think that even if he loses his opportunity to join the police this is not your fault, you are not destroying his life, you are saving yours! He destroyed his life by himself with his actions! You may actually be giving this man a second chance to learn from his terrible mistakes and make him self a better man.

You are only responsible for your life and your actions. Not for the actions of others.

Take care, have Hope
George

• This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by George.

Hello Stefan

I saw some of your videos. You are really funny and witty! hahaha 🙂
I also saw your cover on Angels & Airwaves. You have style man, when you’re singing.

Maybe you want to make songs, or write songs, or play for singers?
As for now you have a job and a loving relationship. That is really good for you my friend! You should spend your spare time being kind and understanding to your self, or with your loved ones. Maybe this will help provide some perspective and some mindfullness. Plan your goals carefully without rushing. You are very young and you can make the turn with small steps, achieving the life you want eventually!

It is good that you meditate, that you joined this community (people here are warm-hearted and helpfull!) and asked for help. Medication may not help you but self examination and self loving will. I believe that!
Let me share something with you that inspired me. That is all i can give now:

Love yourself. Truly love yourself. Don’t admire your self. Don’t belittle your self. Love yourself. It is very, very difficult. I haven’t achieved it my self.

Love what you do,
who you are,
where you are,
where you’ve been,
what you want,
what you can!

Ι don’t know if it sounds too abstract, but i’ve put there, every sentence for a reason. All for the single reason to accept your self as a whole.

I am struggling with suicidal thoughts as well. But, Dude, friend, i don’t know, i’m holding on to hope. I believe deep down i deserve to be happy and enjoy my life and share my love with other human beings. And so do you.

I hope i don’t sound overly dramatic. I do mean these things!

Have hope and take care of yourself
George

• This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by George.

Hey Bren

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Listen Bren whatever you did it doesn’t matter right now. Right now you want to change so what’s the point to blame yourself for the past? Or let other judge you from your mistakes? What you do now and how you want to act from this point and on. That stuff only matters.

I had a friend that was arrested a long time ago (no we didn’t stop hanging out because of that). I didn’t mind at all. He was a good man and he was just very confused. We continued hanging out, laughing our hearts out, like it never happened. Other people judged him. I told him to pay no attention. He had the right people beside him, supporting him.

My friend, you need the right people next to you right now. Reach out to them. Fortunately there are plenty of people out there, plenty of therapists! Don’t be afraid because the past does not define you. Is there someone you trust, like an uncle, your parents, an old flame? You should share your feelings about what you did and how it makes you feel. If you keep it a secret will it make you feel any better?

Do you know the story about a man who knew a really important secret but was not allowed to tell it to anyone with the penalty of his life if he disobeyed? He remained loyal to his promise but as the days went by he became more and more sickened by his burden. His skin grew pale, he lost a lot of weight and his voice started trembling. Eventually he was mistaken for a beggar by his dearest friends. Walking randomly outside his city, out in the plains, he saw a cavity on a tree. immediately he rushed his head inside the hole and started yelling his secret inside that tree. After a while, having said everything to that tree, he laid there exhausted, and slept for the first time after a some time, peacefull.

I’m not implying that you should start running and yelling out to trees! But the moral of the story is the same. Share your experience with someone, somewhere that you feel he won’t judge you in order for you to find peace.

Take care my friend
George