@coconut: to be honest i totally thought that i had changed too. until i got in another relationship where the same insecurities were triggered again. i have to say when i’m not in a relationship i am a pretty confident and easy-going person. no one would ever assume that i’m this crazy irrational girl. if i tell people about it they don’t even believe me. that’s how different i am when i’m with other people. seriously i’m like a whole different person when i’m with other people. it’s so strange.  so i was single for a while and i felt good about myself and everything. i would have never thought that i would still be this irrationally jealous and controlling. i think this is the main reason i want to stay and change.  when you said i would still be unhappy with him even if i changed. i’m not sure about that to be honest. it’s not like he’s not giving me anything at all. it’s just, in his world everything works so much slower, in my twisted world all the small things he does, don’t even show up on my radar to be thankful for. and for him, it was a big step already. and i was the same in my past relationships. it was only after the break-ups, that i started to appreciate it. but at that time i couldn’t see it. so now i’m trying hard  not to be too ignorant and blind to all the small things anymore. but yea even if i decide to break up in a few weeks. at least i tried.

i know what you mean. i panicked too when my bf tried to break up, i talked him out of it too. the pain was too unbearable, all i wanted was to get back together. do you think that your insecurities stem from your childhood too?

@anita: yes i do think that it has something to do with my childhood. i was beat a lot as a child. and it was that kind of family environment where you don’t tell your kids i love you. i’m not saying they didn’t love me. they just didn’t show/say it. maybe they were burnt out too from all the bills/responsibilities. as an adult, after my failed relationships, i did hypnosis therapy to get to the root of my issues. i tried to work on my jealousy. apparently it didn’t help with my jealousy, but it still changed something. it helped with my relationship with my mother. i absolutely forgave everything that had happened. before i did that hypnosis thing i had so much anger in my body. after forgiving her, i feel like i became more calm.

people say that you look for what you’re familiar with (childhood).  my bf doesn’t say i love you and gets mad at me easily. what if it’s the same that had happened to me in my childhood and that’s why i crave it so much? oh guys i have no idea.

@anita: what made you think that there’s a lot of guessing and that i believe he is thinking and feeling the same when he’s not? i mean what exactly were you referring to? you’re right that i guess a lot. i just think that i can sense other people’s feelings sometimes. for example he doesn’t tell me he loves me, but i still believe that he does. or do you think that i’m wrong about that? … after all i don’t have solid “proof”, i only trust my feeling. i just thought that only because some people don’t say it, doesn’t mean they don’t feel it?! … and that he is still there and putting up with my needy attitude must be some kind of sign that he cares about me too? otherwise he could/would break up with me easily?

why do you think that my understandings of him are wrong? hmm.. about the questions. i asked all of that when we talked about the ex. i can’t remember what he said what scared him to be honest. maybe you’re right about my guessing and my feelings. i assumed that he was scared because any step to the direction of commitment scares him. and moving in together is a big step regarding commitment. i asked why he moved in together if he didn’t want it and if he had any hope at all that it would work. and he said he did want to try, and after all they were together for 2years and she pushed him to do it. but he felt extremely anxious about it. he said they were just like friends living together, there was no romance at all anymore. (again in my mind i think that he subconsciously provoked it because he did not want to allow love to grow. but i seriously don’t know. i know that they fought a lot. she cried a lot. he didn’t tell her he loved her either). now thinking about everything i feel like he got bigger issues than i do. sometimes i wondered if he could feel love at all. maybe he doesn’t feel love at all/doesn’t know what it is?

@anita and coconut: I’m a lil sad that both of you feel like he is not the right one for me. what makes you think that? though I’m very thankful for your comments. i thought if i would change, maybe i would be way more happy (regardless if he changes or not). i won’t need constant  validation and therefore there won’t be any problems anymore?!

thanks so much for your comments.

@coconut: yea on the one hand i think, hey i deserve someone’s 1000% attention and love. but on the other hand i think, no one will ever be able to put up with my extreme behaviour if i don’t change it. after all i had the same problems over and over again. even with guys who can show their feelings and do everything for me, it didn’t stop me from being overly jealous and controlling. it just got worse to be honest. because it’s like i’m constantly testing the boundaries. and ironically this is what my bf tells me. he says i’m constantly pushing his boundaries. and it’s true, i really did/do that, i think subconsciously i do that to see if he still stays. and if he does then (in my twisted mind) it means it’s real. and i think, he might not sacrifice as much as my previous bfs, but in his world maybe everything he does, means a lot. like his big steps are only baby steps for me maybe!? i don’t know.. oh regarding the family and kids thing. i really don’t need to have it right now. yes i said it to comfort him but i meant it too.

@anita: yes i was trying to find out where the fear stems from. i was thinking, you can’t be scared of “love” this is not possible? you must be scared of getting hurt when you love. after all when you open up, there is a chance that you will get hurt. when he was in my country, everything was pretty easy for both of us. nothing triggered my old fears/insecurities so i was pretty confident about the relationship. and i guess it was the same for him. it was easy because we just dated, knowing he would leave in a few months, no expectations. but at the end we decided to try it. he did want a relationship and give it a try.

oh another thing. back then i asked him several times why can’t you do this and that for me, why can’t you show me more love etc. and he said something like “yea and if i do all of that, you will get bored and you will leave me”. so i thought maybe he had bad experiences with opening his  heart for a girl only for the girl to become uninterested. and i have to admit, i used to be like that too. the more “proof” i got that someone loved me, the more uninterested i became. it’s so ironic, that i almost think, it’s indeed good that he is like that. life is strange.

@lost_star: thank you so much for your comment! you must be right about this. i have yet to google it, but it sounds exactly like me and him. and i even said it several times to him. i said it’s so strange i need something specific to feel good, when i don’t get it i get anxious. but that specific thing that i need is causing HIM anxiety. so i get mad and stress him, he withdraws and i get even more mad. it’s like a cycle. so i try to work on myself now and see how everything changes maybe. trying to break that cycle. we’ll see. i definitely need hobbies and to take care of my friendships more. i always rely on my bf to make me happy and spend his entire time with me and i think that’s not right.

the thing about this whole thing, why i definitely want to stay is, i’m sure that no one will put up with my behaviour if i don’t change, i know that i’m in the wrong too.  i try to look at it as a chance to change. like a challenge for my personal growth. i just need help and suggestions how to do it.