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HelcatParticipantHi Anita
I’m sorry for the delay in replying. Yesterday was a rough day for me.
Thank you for your kindness!
I don’t really know how I feel about trust and these things. It is a complicated subject. Sometimes hormones are the difference maker for me right now and sleep.
I’m glad to have hopefully made you smile. 😊
It is hard to find the right words sometimes. It is unfortunate that these things happen in the world. I’m glad that you are finally finding peace from it. You deserve it!
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
August 19, 2024 at 4:20 am in reply to: Being a lonely young woman in a world obsessed with romance and sex #436362HelcatParticipantIt might also be helpful to figure out exactly what you are attracted to. My type didn’t change drastically, I just learned to look for the same kind of person except they were also kind. Intelligent guys are my thing but a lot of intelligent guys can also be unkind in my experience.
August 19, 2024 at 4:10 am in reply to: Being a lonely young woman in a world obsessed with romance and sex #436361HelcatParticipantHi Elais
When it comes to society, there’s a secret that you learn as you get older. There is no wrong way to do things as long as you aren’t hurting anyone else. You can do whatever makes you happy and other people just deal with it. There is no bar for being a person. Everyone is different.
So instead of worrying about it and judging yourself for it, try figuring out what would make you happiest. Try to accept yourself and so what if you’re different, learn to be proud of who you are.
I didn’t like the apps either, that’s why I spent a lot of time single. It’s the trade off when you’re not attracted to a lot of people. By dating organically only the people you bump into you are limiting your options. You would actively need to go to an in person group meet up to increase your options. Or speed dating to make up for the numbers. So it’s really either making peace with the situation, or trying those things. You could do hobby groups if you prefer a smaller number of people. Going to parties is also a situation where people are often actively looking to date.
You mentioned that you tend to be attracted to people who breadcrumb you. Have you ever experienced any difficulties growing up? I only ask because people tend to be attracted to people who aren’t really healthy for them tend to have experienced some kind of difficulties in life. If so, therapy can be helpful for changing that paradigm.
I had trauma in my childhood, so at first I was attracted to the wrong kinds of people. Therapy helped me to want something healthier for myself and changed who I was attracted to.
My experience of relationships is that there isn’t much difference between a friend and a romantic relationship. The sexual component is the only difference. That and eventually you build a life together. But that isn’t usually something to worry about immediately. Hugs and massages can also satisfy the need for touch. If you want something more, you will have to consider actively dating in some way.
It is also okay if you don’t want to date. If you are happier just watching a tv show that is 100% fine. You do you!
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
August 18, 2024 at 2:42 pm in reply to: Surrender, Accessing Shakti by clearing samskaras, eliminating false selves #436341HelcatParticipantHi Seaturtle
You are a ray of sunshine and very much missed around here. 😊 A set time for chatting every week sounds like a great idea. I understand if you are busy though. We are mostly around.
Ooh please do tell about your busy summer! Mine has also been busy. There were birthdays. We went on holiday. We got COVID. I had exams and am finally on a break before the final. I can’t even remember all of the things that have happened lol because I forget (baby brain). My son has 4 teeth now and is very close to walking.
I have faith that you will get there, you’re a very driven person and that is all it really takes a desire to grow and openness to progress. You have both in abundance. It does take time and a lot of practice though. I am still not there yet. It is painful for me to be present during challenging times. I’m trying really hard though.
Yes, the idea is that we get to choose. But there are challenges. And for 3 days after death it is said that we stick around and can hear people’s thoughts about our passing. In this time some souls are driven mad. After the 3 days there is supposed to be an opportunity to move on and the challenges come, it is said that we face our inner demons and how we respond to that dictates where we go. There are practices that people do to stay calm and in control as a spirit to help them make the right choice. It is said that the realms correspond with emotions: greed, anger, jealousy and pride.
It’s wonderful to hear that you are meeting more and more people with these qualities. I’m glad that you have a lovely day and enjoyed the concert, the communication and the connection. He does sound special indeed.
It is always very interesting learning about other people’s beliefs. 😊 I would agree that people get stuck in cycles. The way that I think about it is that there are small windows of opportunity in life where we gain profound new awareness that allows us the opportunity to choose how we wish to respond next. The majority of the time I feel like people are almost running on automatic and trying to develop the skills for their choices until their next window. Being proactive in development’s helps bring these windows closer together. Having lots of experiences brings lots of changes too in my experience. Bad and good, it is sometimes hard to see the outcome for many years. What do you think?
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
August 18, 2024 at 1:41 pm in reply to: Being a lonely young woman in a world obsessed with romance and sex #436340HelcatParticipantHi Elais
I’m sorry that you’re having difficulties with friendships and dating. It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety over it. What kinds of social repercussions have you faced?
When I was younger I wasn’t attracted to many people so I called myself asexual. I don’t know if you have ever experienced feelings of attraction for anyone? In time, I was very surprised when I learned that I was only attracted to very specific things instead of attracted to a lot of different things which is more common. If there were hundreds of guys, I would be attracted to one of them and it would take me about 6 months of being friends with them to start to develop an interest. I never had any stigma from my friends about it, I simply told them I was asexual and they accepted it, but I guess we were all a bit weird.
Well if you’re ready to date, have you tried tinder? What do you think has stopped you from dating in the past? If tinder isn’t your thing. There are in person groups that you can go to where you can meet a lot of different people. What would your ideal dating experience be like?
My thoughts are it’s 2024 and perfectly acceptable for a woman to hit on someone they find interesting. For me, this is the most effective method because I am so rarely attracted to people. I told my partner dirty jokes to gauge his level of interest after being friends for a while. If they tell dirty jokes back this is a sign of interest. Funny story, he didn’t get the jokes. So I had to explain them to him and tell him that when someone tells him jokes like that they might be hitting on him. It finally clicked for him.
I don’t think that dating is easy for everyone. I spent many years not dating. My partner spent many years not dating. It is more common than you realise. I don’t think that it means anything bad about a person. Perhaps the people who judge you for it are the ones who have problems?
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
I think that it’s really hard talking about these things. I cope with it by rationalising. It’s not always helpful. At times it might help me, other times not so much and it might not help other people.
It is hard to be vulnerable when talking about trauma. To be honest, it made me sad thinking about the way you were treat. You deserved so much more.
Her values are twisted. Kindness and love are what I value. You embody that. Your inherent value is known and recognised by everyone here.
That is honestly fair if you don’t want to talk about that. I’m sorry for bringing it up. Understanding and caring for Anita is infinitely more helpful. It makes sense that because you spent so much effort trying to care for her and understand her in the past, it is harmful for you to do that.
We are two different people, what helps one might not help the other. I spent a long time hating my mother for what she did, I thought that forgiving her was impossible. For me, understanding my mother helped me to forgive her for the horrible things she’d done, but didn’t excuse them, it just explained the situation. For a long time I felt the situation very personally. Like it was me particularly that made her behave in that way. Like I deserved it. That is what she said after all, I just believed her. Finally understanding that it wasn’t me, I was just an innocent bystander caught in the crossfire of her complicated nonsense in a way brought a measure of relief. The diagnosis ultimately told me nothing that I didn’t already know. I have been learning about the outcomes for children of people with this condition out of curiosity.
Knowing about the diagnosis when I was younger could have been harmful, because I might have been too understanding. If that makes sense? It feels like understanding is a delicate balance and it is important to retain empathy for ourselves first and foremost.
Protecting and caring for ourselves is the most important thing. Our first duty is towards taking care of ourselves because no one will do it for us.
I am sorry that you didn’t sleep well. I hope that you sleep better tonight. I hope that you do something really nice and special for yourself. You 100% deserve that.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
I agree, that is what love is about. 😊
I know what you mean about terror. I felt that too. You didn’t deserve any of those things. You deserved to feel safe, loved and happy. Instead what you got was a monster.
I’m sorry that you felt guilty. I think that just shows the kind of caring loving person you are.
I don’t think that your mother knew what love is, so for her to love you, sadly is impossible. You are doing the right thing. In cases like this, it is impossible to heal while dealing with the person who causes the damage. What matters isn’t her, but the harm she caused you. Forgiveness doesn’t mean getting back in contact, it means freedom for yourself.
I feel like people like that, hate themselves because of what they’ve done. At the same time they have caused so much harm it is incredibly painful them to address it. They cope by pretending it doesn’t exist. Until a moment of lucidity breaks through and they want to kill themselves again. They don’t have the strength to choose to change because change is hard, and choosing to change would subject them to a lot of pain. Thus not being able to express regret and being doomed to repeat their mistakes. I don’t know if you would agree?
I hope that I haven’t said anything that makes you feel bad? But if I did please let me know so I can apologise. Sometimes I don’t come across well.
I learned recently that my mother was an untreat paranoid schizophrenic. I always knew that she had a severe mental illness. As a teenager I was desperate to know what it was, feeling like it would explain what she did to me. Maybe even absolve her of it somehow. But learning her condition ultimately didn’t change anything.
It is good to hear that you are sleeping better now. Thank you for the advice!
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
I can’t take credit for those attachments needs. I found it on a website called welldoing dot org. I thought the writer was excellent. Her name is Julie Menanno. I’m reading her book now Secure Love because her article Insecure Attachment in Couples: How to mend negative communication cycles was so good.
I can imagine. We have both been through some very similar things. It’s crazy how two people (our mothers) can be so alike on different sides of the world from different cultures. It is a shame that we had those experiences. No child deserves that.
You are right, thank you. If I can forgive my mother I can forgive my husband. He genuinely deserves it and is an amazing person. I’m very tired and I need to pace myself with the exercises in that book. Bringing up my trauma hurts a lot. But in a way it is helpful to be more aware of the different ways my past bleeds into the present day. I hope that it can help to unpick, the past from the present and make the present less painful, so the past can stay in the past.
I think my takeaway from the difficulties we have had is that tiredness and stress can make people act out of character. Sleep deprivation really is a form of torture.
I managed to control my feelings and talk to my husband from a place of vulnerability, it went well.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantPart of me feels secure in the relationship, but the part damaged by trauma doesn’t. 97% of the time our relationship is good. Since having a baby some of the things that have been said during arguments have hurt. Only 3 times. But the pain lingers in that part of me.
HelcatParticipantIt seems to me like different people prioritise different needs.
For me, I prioritise trust, respect, being seen and understood and my individual needs mattering.
Growing up, I didn’t have those things. I realised that I literally never had a single person care for my emotional needs as a child. My first experience of someone trying to meet my emotional needs was in therapy. I was always the person who took care of everyone else’s emotional needs and while mine were ignored.
There is still quite a bit of pain about that. Not as much as it used to be. It used to feel like a bottomless void when I was younger. Now it just feels like a sadness that lingers. Being rejected by not one, but two families is hard and it colours my life to this day.
I’m very focused on my son being happy and getting his childhood right because I don’t want him to suffer like I did.
There is a level of anxiety in my daily life and difficulties with conflict.
The past leaks into the present and it is hard.
On the plus side, my son smiled in his sleep. That makes me feel like I’ve done a good job. He laughs and smiles every day.
The relationship with my husband has suffered since I became pregnant and had a baby. We are trying to fix things and work together as a team but it is not easy.
HelcatParticipantI have been learning more about attachment styles and negative communication cycles.
What I’ve learned about insecure attachment is that one person tends to take responsibility for emotional regulation and the other tends to take responsibility for trying to resolve problems. In healthy attachment, both parties do both things.
I’ve learned that the past conflict patterns and unmet needs with particularly with parents shape how we communicate during disagreements. Triggers are very much involved.
I also learned about attachment needs. There are various needs. I’ll include the list below.
To feel close to you, I need to know:
You value me and our relationship
You’ll respond to me in moments where I reach out to you
You’ll reach to me in support during times of need
You appreciate me and my efforts
My needs as an individual matter to you
You hold me in high esteem
You are willing to see and understand me
My feelings are valid to you
You respect me
There’s a clear path to pleasing you
You see me as a successful partner
I can trust your love and loyalty
You can trust my love and loyalty
HelcatParticipantHi Jasmine
It sure is! It sounds like you are crushing it and a bit of a super woman. 😊 Great to hear that you are managing everything and have goals for yourself.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantMaybe a set number of interruptions allowed during less busy times could also be helpful if he interrupts a lot.
HelcatParticipantMy husband also says things like shh and I’m in a meeting or can you take the baby through. I guess it’s not really stressful just simply being asked to do something. If he has problems with these basic things he definitely needs some kind of treatment.
HelcatParticipantHi Butterfly
How does he react if you simply say that you are busy and will catch up with him later? For particularly busy periods. My husband wears his headphones as a sign that he is too busy to talk. But he takes them off at less busy periods. Sometimes context clues like that mean that people don’t interrupt. It might take some explaining and figuring out for how to manage the interrupting. I had a coworker that talked when she was less busy and simply said mmmm when she was busy when people spoke to her and focused on her work refusing to talk. This is a context clue that I found helpful. It sounds like it’s all going to require a lot of talking about various options. You could schedule coffee breaks or lunch together. There are a lot of different things to try but it is about finding what works best for you both. Couples counselling sounds like a good idea. I hope that it will help you both to figure things out.
It’s a shame that your needs aren’t being met and you feel angry a lot.
If his adhd is causing severe problems he might want to consider treatment.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
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