Hi John

Thanks! I’m sure that you could teach me a thing or two. 😊

Yes, that was how I learned to control my panic attacks. Once I had learned to stop my thoughts in meditation, I figured that there was no reason I couldn’t do it in my daily life. I really only used it for the panic attacks though. I just went, I don’t want to do this anymore, this isn’t good for me. STOP!

That is one style of therapy. I had that style of therapy as a child.

The style of therapy I had as an adult was a very intense trauma therapy. You see, when I went to therapy for the first time as a young adult, I didn’t see verbal abuse as abuse. I was still being verbally abused by my adoptive family. Because of the intensity of some of my other trauma I had just seen verbal abuse as minor, ignored it and tolerated it. That phenomenon of seeing abuse as normal was in action you see. I also had difficulty in relationships with tolerating abuse.

I would describe trauma therapy as a kind of brainwashing almost. She taught me about the ins and outs of various kinds of abuse. Encouraged me to set boundaries with people. Tried to teach me the tools to be my own therapist. It kind of pushed me to the other end of no longer being willing to tolerate much in the way of bad behaviour from other people. I was able to stop my own bad habits (coming from a yelly cursy family) and I was able to teach my sister to stop too.

At the same time, the therapy also focused on tolerating distress because I was very avoidant. After being assaulted in college by one of my closest friends, I had massive trust issues and regular flashbacks to the assault. This part of the therapy is pretty dangerous in the wrong hands because a client can easily self-harm. I trusted her that it would eventually work out and fortunately, it did. But it was a very intense 3 months of immersing myself in that experience of the assault.

I guess, I can see the benefits of why therapy was handled that way. But there are also drawbacks.

Yes, that is the way I see things too. Yes, I was actually terrified of having children for a long time for that reason. That and my biological mother told me, that she wasn’t the way she was until she had children and we had made her become like that. I was lacking in confidence as a mother for a while, but I got through it and figured it out.

After researching paranoid schizophrenia, it tends to develop around about the age of having children. So perhaps she was telling the truth about the onset of her condition, but was inaccurate about the reason?

My husband is trying to work on his issues, they have decreased in duration and he is better about taking breaks. I think it is hard for him because he has a very unique memory. When I say he remembers everything, he remembers everything. I can tell him a date and ask him to recall that day. It has been a rough time for us in recent years. Because of the short duration of arguments now, he has taken to being a bit spiteful to express his feelings. I don’t know if he will overcome his resentment while he is with me. It is hard to know what to do because of my son.

It has been hurtful for me when he acts out on special occasions. He was cruel to me on the day my dog died, as well as our wedding anniversary. I gave him a free pass because of grief before. But the wedding anniversary… he asked for a divorce and told me he didn’t love me on our wedding anniversary and refused to celebrate with me. He has habits of saying things that he doesn’t mean when he is upset. I told him that we can separate unless he apologises properly. He hasn’t yet.

Days before we had argued about his brother, I wanted to confront his brother about the horrible things he said about me next time we visited, because he refuses to apologise. My husband was upset because it would strain his relationship with his family. This was why he was upset.

The brother was trying to coach my husband into pushing me to have a mental breakdown, hospitalising me and taking sole custody of our son.

Love, peace and blessings! ❤️🙏

Hi John

I’m glad to hear that you’re fine. 😊 Maybe it is just nice to disappear for a bit? 😉

Well I think you’re lucky to be a healthy person. For people who have more difficulties, they can see more apparent benefits.

When I started meditating I had issues with racing thoughts, difficulty with concentration, not being able to relax and the depression was very strong. Meditation helped me to train my mind to behave a bit. 😂

The thoughts started slowing down and getting fewer. They can stop for me in meditation now. Space opened up in my mind, allowing me to experience things other than depression.

My trauma was so severe I had to start with vipassana, because I couldn’t do breathing based meditation (due to the drowning and suffocation I experienced), but now I can do breath based meditation.

Those are the effects that I have noticed.

Very true, I do think things can fade in time if you let it. Some people have difficulty letting go of the past. Not a criticism, just an observation.

I would agree, in a roundabout way. Obviously there are practical difficulties. But yes, thoughts and the mind do cause a lot of suffering.

It is difficult, psychology has its limits which is why I became curious about Buddhism. Psychology is very structured and rule based. Whilst it has some benefits, it has some drawbacks too. For example, a therapist can lie to a patient.

I remember when I was anxious about becoming like my mother and I was told that the way she was was not because of her trauma, or her mental illness, it was because she had a bad personality. I actually disagree with this. Research shows that a third of people who have been abused themselves go on to abuse others. Being an untreat paranoid schizophrenic and an alcoholic single mother with zero family support certainly would have been contributing factors. It’s reductive to say that she was just a bad person and frankly untrue.

It is like ignoring the statistics for mass shootings that reveal the outcome largely ends in suicide either by their own hands or those of police. In my opinion, mass shootings are the outcome of a colossal failure of the mental health system.

Aside from lying to patients when it is seen as beneficial, they encourage patients to develop various sets of rules in an attempt to teach them to lead healthier lives. It’s all very mind based and conceptual. If you tell people they must do all of these things to be healthy, they start to get distressed when reality doesn’t match up with that. It becomes an obsession in its own right.

Love, peace and blessings! ❤️🙏

Upon reflecting on first memories. I don’t remember the first time I was hit. I don’t remember the first time I was told that having us ruined her life. I don’t remember the first time I was molested by her.

But there was an awareness of these things that started at a similar time to getting help for myself at 12. It was when I started to understand that things weren’t meant to be the way they were. I guess that is when I started to try and change things. I would read books or talk to other kids and no one anywhere discussed these things.

I guess that is why I have been curious about the cultural impact of depression. For example, boys are culturally told from a young age that being molested by a woman is a good thing for them. As a result they tend to minimise the distress these experiences can cause. This of course has its downsides. Poor understanding of sexual boundaries, hyper sexuality, confusion about feelings and other issues. But they are told that being molested by a man is a bad thing. As a result that is perceived to be more damaging.

At the same time, girls are taught from a young age that these things are bad to experience. And it is considered a harmful experience.

There are some different reactions to traumatic experiences due to country as well. And even things like anorexia did not exist in certain countries before being shown in media. Then as the population became more aware of the condition, more and more people began to suffer and die from it.

Hi John

It was your old friend, Bhante Kovida. An Inquiring Mind’s Journey into wisdom, compassion, freedom and silence. You inspired me to learn more. I know that a lot of monks tend to write books and I was curious. 😊

In this case, he was talking about a tendency towards depression that many people have. But he does discuss emptiness elsewhere in the book.

Do you have any thoughts on either subject? Or well anything really? Please feel free to share whatever you wish.

Love, peace and blessings! ❤️🙏