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HelcatParticipantI’m glad to hear that you feel comforted by the messages you receive. 😊
You can change being judgemental towards yourself and others, by practising giving yourself and others a little credit. It is not all of the time you see. It is not always easy to read such truths about yourself. But you have handled it with kindness. Another credit to you!
It is not your fault. These things tend to start in childhood. Anita shared from your old thread that you had a difficult childhood. I’m sure you know that children are like sponges and the environment they grow up in is really important for their development in so many ways. The voices of our parents tend to get mixed in with everything else and become part of our thoughts. This is why spending time with good people is so important. Everyone rubs off on us. We need to replace those old unhealthy messages from difficult times with good healthy messages.
Neuroplasticity is really helpful that way. We can train our minds slowly over time to think in certain ways if we practice regularly.
I’m sorry to hear that you are in pain up to your eyeballs every day. That must be really hard, especially when you have a physical job. It may interested you to know that there are links between anxiety and pain. Pain makes us more anxious and anxiety increases pain sensitivity. Yoga sounds like a very good choice to practice as it manages both pain and anxiety. I wish you good luck with it! I’m glad that you are making an effort to rest when you get back from work. It really is essential. ❤️
I’m glad that you’ve enjoyed a wonderful life raising your family. It does sound hard with one leaving home and the other one not far behind. Them not needing you as much anymore. And teenagers have famously awful moods. Have you been dealing with difficulties like this?
When it comes to your family, what does the catastrophising tell you?
This period doesn’t have to be a bad thing. You get some much needed time to yourself again. Some of which you can explore with your wife, I have heard people say it’s like getting to know each other again. I almost feel like after having children that you have to act in certain ways for the children because they pick up so much. I feel like it could be easy to lose sight of yourself and each other doing that over time.
My sister is a very passionate person too. I enjoy that trait in people! The difficulty is that no one can fix another person. They have to learn how to fix themselves. This is why changing our own beliefs about things that hold us back is so important.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Laven
I’m sorry that you are still having difficulties with your heartbreak. It does sound painful the first time you two bumped into each other post break up. You handled it impeccably. I think that your polite refusal to ignore him and to be ignored shows great character. You have really good boundaries for respecting his wishes.
It sounds like you’re starting to process the breakup and slowly move on. My hope is that it will get less painful for you a little day by day. Stay strong!
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantI appreciate the difficulties with consistency with ADHD. You could plan to be inconsistent. Maybe you could reflect when you get home from work or any time you choose, you could even set an alarm to remind you. What would help me feel better right now? You have read lots of ideas in self-help books. Take a moment to try something. Note if it works, if it makes you feel a little better or a lot better, or if it doesn’t work. It doesn’t have to be the same thing every time.
I wonder if you are in physical pain? Being a chef is a hard job, I know people in their 20s trying to get out of it. Its impressive that you’re doing it in your 50s. I would imagine that it is starting to be uncomfortable. I’m sure that you could keep going for a while. But as you get older it will get worse. Have you thought about what you want to do for work in the future? It would be good to start planning something for your future that is sustainable and doesn’t leave you in a lot of pain.
I think that we have all had dreams of running away to a monastery. I think that is why holidays are appealing. You leave all of your problems behind at home temporarily. I don’t think that running away to a monastery would necessarily be helpful. Just putting off problems until later.
Another difficulty is facing the world as a man. Men do not get a lot of support. I think that it’s amazing that you’re learning all you can about how to manage your difficulties. That you’ve had counselling and that you are reaching out to people here. You deserve support! Please feel free to discuss anything you choose.
Another thing that I thought of as a barber is that you helped many people to change their lives. People get haircuts for job interviews all of the time and people are judged on their appearance in the first 30 seconds.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantYou have tendencies of dismissing yourself as well as other things. You believe that you are not good at what you do because you are not trained. Yet, were a barber for 20 years. And you are a chef now. You have always had customers willing to pay money for your services. I bet that you have even undervalued what you do. A haircut can make people feel special. It can make them feel human instead of a mess. A lovely meal can bring a smile to someones face and fill their belly. Food is essential to life. If they didn’t eat well their mood would drop and their performance at work would suffer. You have helped a lot of people and I bet you don’t even recognize that. I would say that the quality of your work speaks for itself and the thing is that if you want to learn something you can. You don’t have to necessarily go on a course, but you can if you like. There are lots of successful people out in the world who don’t recognize their worth because they lack qualifications. I think it’s really unfair that society pushes this on people. You know, only the generation before you grew up learning on the job with very few qualifications. I have met lots of inspirational, hardworking, highly skilled, intelligent people who don’t have qualifications and it doesn’t make them any less as people.
You dismiss the local temples as being inauthentic. Buddhism sounds like a really good fit for you. It is all about lessening suffering. I think that Roberta’s idea of visiting local temples is a great one. You can still visit the authentic ones on holiday. Buddhism has been very helpful to me for lessening suffering. If there is even a small chance it could be helpful, isn’t it worth a visit?
You dismiss enjoying food as a shallow experience. Everyone enjoys different things. It’s okay for you not to enjoy it, especially considering your job. It doesn’t mean that other people are shallow though for enjoying something that you don’t. You value spirituality, so perform Buddhist spiritual practices everyday and let it bring you a few minutes of comfort in what you find meaningful.
Evidence shows that people who are judgemental of themselves are judgemental of others. If you work on being less judgemental to others, it can also help you.
Certain behaviours have a function for us. Protecting us from things. Dismissing is one of them. It can protect us from disappointment. What if I try and it doesn’t work out? It’s not helpful? What if it takes me out of my comfort zone? Going outside of my comfort zone is scary and it opens me up to being hurt. But there are good experiences that are also missed out on. Life can surprise you if you let it.
My number one advice is to learn from the people who have been through what you have and recovered. Number two is to have good experiences and spread time with good people.
HelcatParticipantHi Simon
It is difficult to feel happy with high levels of anxiety. It’s really important to manage your anxiety and relax in some way.
Catastrophising and planning for worst case all of the time is exhausting. How often did the very worst case actually happen? I bet that most of the time things worked out okay and sometimes somewhere in the middle (not as good but not the worst). It sounds like you’re quite good at planning. There is something really important for you to know. When you are calm, you can plan just as effectively. Those skills are still there. Catastrophising is a mental trap that only serves to make you miserable and one of the things that keeps people doing it is the belief that it protects them. Disproving these things to yourself and building confidence in your calm planning skills can be really helpful.
Not feeling good enough is another thing to disprove to yourself. If your beliefs change it is much easier to be kind to yourself. This is an exercise that is helpful that should be done on a regular basis for a long time when you are feeling calmer (it can make things worse if you are not calm). Changing a belief doesn’t happen quickly.
The exercise is considering what a bad person is and what a good person is to you. Then you prove to yourself that you are a good person by writing down all of the good things about yourself. This could be characteristics that you like or actions that you do. Starting off small can be helpful. If you have difficulty, balancing out with some things you don’t like about yourself can feel more honest initially. Because it is hard to write good things about yourself when you aren’t used to it.
For example, my attempt at this exercise looks like. I take good care of my family and pets. I’m a loyal person. I comfort people when they are in pain. I’m kind. I always try my best.
Back when I started it would look more like. I picked up a strangers keys and returned them. I bought a friend a meal. I like that I’m intelligent. I feel weak because I’m anxious all of the time.
It can also be helpful to write down when people compliment you as well as who said it.
There’s a lot more for me to write. I just wanted to get this part of the way first. Beliefs are one really important part of why we are unhappy and working hard to change beliefs is helpful because no one can do it for us.
HelcatParticipantOh I forgot to add no worries about the accidental report. I use a phone and it’s happened to me too before. It’s kind of you to let me know!
HelcatParticipantHi Meatball
It’s good to hear that you are staying strong even though she is denying the affair and being dismissive of your feelings. Contrary to what she says it is a big deal. It must be hard and painful being in this situation. Your feelings are valid and you deserve to protect yourself.
I’m glad that you got a friend to come with you on the trip. That was a great idea! Another great idea, her paying for her own bills!
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHaving some difficulties with the body positivity again. A lot of people make negative comments about people who are pregnant or who have recently been. There is a lot of pressure to return back to the previous weight.
I couldn’t walk with the last month of the pregnancy, or much after the birth because I had major surgery. Then I hurt my knee and I couldn’t walk much because of that.
People don’t have realistic expectations. I don’t really talk about when I’m suffering, so how would they know? And I’m the only one responsible for taking care of my son during the night. So I’m exhausted and tiredness makes people eat. I’m doing the best I can right now to survive. That is all I can do.
In the spirit of body positivity. I’m glad that my stomach took care of and protected my child during pregnancy. It’s a miracle of life. I’m glad that I can walk a little more now. Being outside is really important to me. I’m glad that I can take care of my son. I remember when I was a child I didn’t really understand why adults would complain about being overweight. I thought it was perfectly fine for a mother to be overweight. From my perspective, it was softer to hug. My recommendation as a child was to dress better. Because it’s easy to feel bad when you wear unflattering clothes. I think if you dress well it doesn’t matter what size you are, you can still take pride in your appearance. Perhaps I should take my own advice.
I’m thankful for my beautiful family. And thankful for the progress that my son is making with the bottle. I’m thankful that we have enough to eat. I’m thankful that the medicine is helping my dog to feel better because she has been sick. I’m proud of myself for working on my exams, even though it’s difficult to find the time with a baby at home.
I think it’s hard having taking care of a child because I like to help people. It feels like so much of my life now is centred around my son. I miss helping people. He deserves all of the attention and all of the help in the world. I know that it is important. I didn’t have that and I know how badly it screwed me up. I’m glad that I can do that for him. But I do miss helping people. It helped me to feel better about myself and negate the voice in my head telling me that I wasn’t good enough. Perhaps that is something I need to work on. Valuing my inherent goodness.
Sometimes my day feels small taking care of a child. Cleaning up. Feeding. Entertaining. To many people these are just regular everyday things. But sometimes regular everyday things are the most important. What a child values is consistent care and kindness and it helps them with so many challenges in their life if they have that stable base. I care about the little things. Like being positive when it is time to clean him up and not making him feel bad about being messy. Asking for permission to change him. Allowing him the space to protest if he doesn’t like something and listening to his wants and needs. Cheering for him when he achieves his goals. He gives me the biggest smile and the cheering encourages him to try and do it again.
On the one hand, my day is small but on the other I feel like I save him from himself on a regular basis. Like a sentinel I’m always there watching, trying to protect him. The boy is a lemming and even though nurses say that kids are resilient and stronger than we think. I’d argue that they’re not. It’s important to be safe.
I wonder how I got through my early life of being a baby. It’s a miracle because my mother didn’t take care of me properly.
HelcatParticipantThis reply has been reported for inappropriate content.
Hi Meatball
I’m sorry to hear that you found evidence that she was cheating on you. You are totally right, you deserve someone who wants to be with you and I would also add someone who is able to offer the same love and support you do. You have so much love to give and that should be reciprocated by a partner. I’m sorry that things ended this way, but I’m glad that you found your own way to this conclusion and are doing the right thing for you.
I hope you have a good holiday, I hope that it surprises you!
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantI’ve been dealing with post partum depression. Trying to manage everything at once feeling overwhelmed constantly. Living in denial telling myself it’ll get better, hoping that I could change nothing and it would miraculously get easier. That’s not how life works. For things to get easier it helps if you do things to make it easier. So I had to let something go to make my life a bit easier.
It’s unique how anxiety just latches onto something else. It just turned into worrying about the future. I was reading about ppd and it turns out hormones are linked, especially if you’re breastfeeding, stress, lack of sleep and inflammation are also major factors. What is interesting is that a medication for ppd actually works on reducing inflammation to treat it. It makes me wonder about the mechanism of inflammation on depression and anxiety in general.
I had been blaming myself for the anxiety and stuff that I was feeling. It’s nice for it not to be my fault and there are things I can do to help. Reducing stress, exercise, eating healthy, sleeping well, socialising and changing to formula could help too in the long term. It’s good to know that it will make me feel worse during the process though.
May 30, 2024 at 10:02 pm in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #433335HelcatParticipantHi Seaturtle
I’m glad that you expressed yourself and shared your feelings. I’m sorry that you feel hurt. ❤️
It’s not possible to diagnose someone over the internet by text even for a trained clinical psychologist. I hope that provides a measure of comfort. I’m sure that Anita didn’t mean to hurt you, though I do understand why you were.
You are a beautiful soul and your mind and your experiences don’t define you. That’s an incredible realisation at such a young age. I’m sorry your friend didn’t understand it and saw it as an insult. I know that you weren’t trying to hurt her. It can be hard when people feel overwhelmed by their thoughts and feelings and learn to identify with them.
I’m glad to hear that you are practicing Tai Chi and Qi Gong, also that the teacher has taken you under their wing. I found Qi Gong very helpful myself. I hope that you enjoy the beautiful journey that you’re on!
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantIt has honestly been a bit rough recently. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed. My son started waking hourly throughout the night. Things are getting better now. I’m practicing various aspects of sleep training with him. I think I can celebrate now that I’m down to one wake a night! Hooray!
He’s trying really hard to crawl. It’s wild how quickly they grow up. I love his sweet face and his cute chubby cheeks. He’s such a good boy! It’s scary how he is a lemming though. I feel like a sentinel watching over him trying to protect him from himself. I’m glad that he is safe and happy.
It’s hard transitioning him to a bottle. He has a lot of strong feelings about wanting a boob instead. He’s okay taking a certain amount of formula, but after a certain point he says no more! I would like for him to be entirely on formula. It would be easier for my health. I just don’t want to upset him. I hate seeing him cry. I guess we just have to go a bit at a time and take things slow. I look forward to when these difficulties are behind us.
I enjoyed spending time with my family.
Weight loss has taken a bit of a hit because we’ve been eating unhealthily. But we’re trying to get back into eating healthily.
As always, my husband has been amazingly supportive. Our communication during disagreements has been better too. I’m really thankful for that.
HelcatParticipantHi Simon
I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling burnt out in every corner of your life. Would you like to talk about it?
I don’t think that eastern lifestyles are more peaceful, there is a culture of overwork, similar to America.
Perhaps you have a specific idea of what you might be attracted to in this idea of an Asian lifestyle that you have?
These things are so personal what makes us happy and gives our lives meaning. It’s very much individual to the person and means exploring your core values. What do you care about?
I think that if you’re feeling burnt out and stressed seeking balance might be helpful. Focusing on downtime and relaxing can be helpful. What do you do to relax?
Problem solving can be helpful for any difficulties in your life. Do you have strategies for addressing the issues with your business, relationship and finances?
You mentioned feeling like you have it all so what is left. Practicing gratitude and meditation can benefit happiness, helping you to appreciate what you do have. Sometimes the difference between happiness and unhappiness is nothing changing except your state of mind. Savouring the small every day good moments can be a place to start. And if you don’t have those, try to work some into your life.
For me, I enjoy food, watching a good television show, socialising, completing a goal. Appreciating when my husband or anyone else does something nice for me is another thing too.
Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏
May 29, 2024 at 9:37 am in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #433264HelcatParticipantHi Seaturtle
You’re welcome, you deserve support! ❤️
Nice to see you around. How are you doing? 😊
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Shy
I think that there are lots of different kinds of friendship and a friendship can change and evolve over time. Some end, some don’t. Some you only speak to once in a blue moon and you pick up like you never left off. Some you keep in regular contact with and spend lots of time with. Some you keep in regular contact and spend a little time with. Your best friend might not stay your best friend. People grow and change.
I would encourage you not to cut off your friend unless they have done something wrong purely because you say you’re not that sociable. It’s important to have friends. If you would like to close this door, perhaps you should make a new friend IRL.
Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 