Hi Tommy,

I understand what you’re trying to do and I know that you are a good person and trying to help in your own way. But do you think there is a different way to do it? I fear that being overly negativity isn’t helpful and is pushing people out of a safe space to talk about their feelings.

A lot of people struggle with letting go and talking about feelings might not seem helpful to you, but it can be for other people. Talking can be a way to process and let go of emotions.

I have always loved reading your comments because you are insightful. But I do think you can achieve similar things in a kinder way if you put your mind to it. Being harsh with people who are already suffering, just hurts them more.

Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

I forgot to mention that if the person is really unhealthy behaviourwise, it can be helpful to consider setting boundaries by asking them to correct their behaviour and limiting contact with them if they have difficulty doing that. Not suggesting that you have to cut contact with people if you don’t want to.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏❤️

Hi Laven

I’m sorry to hear that your neighbour that you were dating recently ghosted you. How long were you dating for? I’m very sorry to hear that you’ve had other people treat you like this too.

This guy has no class, not even bothering to break up with you. I’m sorry he lied to you about marriage. It’s heartbreaking stuff but honestly, says more than him than it does about you. He is a scumbag that uses people. It is honestly better to learn this now, than being married before finding it out.

Dating is really difficult and there are lessons to learn here, protecting your heart is important. You didn’t protect yourself. There are basic rules that people follow to protect themselves in the event of a break up. Don’t date people in the workplace or neighbours.

Some people, not all, from different cultures truly only consider people from their own culture as long term partners. Also, different cultures have different meanings around marriage. Some have informal marriages which are essentially spiritual unions that are essentially a blessing which gives you permission from God to have sex without it being a sin.

Everyone has failed relationships, before they have successful ones. I hope that in the future you will be more guarded with your emotions and protect yourself. You do deserve protecting and if you don’t do it, no one else will do it for you.

Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

Hi Sunny

I’m sorry to hear that you had a couple of arguments with your partner.

Something my partner shared with me was that he likes there to be some positives focused on during disagreements. I wonder if this is something that your partner might find helpful?

Not talking for a few days really isn’t healthy and it’s really not a fair thing to ask of a partner. No wonder you are feeling isolated and disconnected. It’s technically an abusive behaviour called stonewalling.

It’s true, that you could have focused on his first day experience before discussing things. But it seems to me that you’re not the only person dropping the ball if you will. And for such a simple argument starting things off…

It’s kind of escalated massively which, doesn’t seem like your fault either. You might not have been perfect, but you had good intentions of clearing the air. So no, I don’t think it’s all your fault. As my husband says, these things take two people.

Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

Hi John

How are you feeling? I would like to know if you are okay…

So you felt worried that she would lose interest in you. And you felt that being able to be vulnerable with her without being judged was an amazing experience. Perhaps you not had many people in your life that you have had that kind of experience with?

I can understand having an amazing experience and not wanting to lose it. She does sound like a special person. But, if it doesn’t work out there will be other people that you can be vulnerable with, there are other non judgemental people out there. Sometimes, they are not partners, sometimes they are just friends.

Believing that someone will lose interest… well that might be your experience in dating, that people sometimes lose interest. Or do you believe in yourself?

Tommy has some good points as well as some that I don’t necessarily agree with. But he is a good person, he doesn’t mean badly. He no doubt has different experiences to me in dating. My perspective is more forgiving.

I thought it was a good sign that you are both still in contact despite being on a break. I have had that experience before too. And I don’t necessarily believe that first impressions last forever. People can change. It sounds like to me that you are in the process of changing. You are doing good work with your therapist. You are starting to open up to people. Regardless of whether things do or don’t work out you with this person will have many wonderful experiences ahead of you. I do sincerely wish you good luck though.

It is helpful to be somewhat guarded of your emotions during the dating process because there are a lot of disappointments. And it is a lot of pressure for one person to be that kind of an experience for you. Ideally, people build larger support networks and have multiple amazing people to rely on.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏❤️

Hi John

I’m sorry to hear that you’re also going through some things in your personal life.

Your words are very touching and reflect the work you’ve been doing on yourself. Well done!

Where do you think these feelings of impatience are coming from and the same question for the feelings you had before that led to you initially rushing the relationship?

You have a very balanced  but optimistic perspective on the relationship now.

You mentioned that the relationship means a great deal to you. Would you care to elaborate on that?

I think impatience can have different causes. So what suits one person, may not suit another.

For example, I was reading for myself about how to deal with frustration more effectively and there was a suggestion about using humour to exaggerate my feelings.

So for example, I was frustrated because I felt lonely in the past week while my husband was ill and I was looking after our son. There can be a root belief that discomfort shouldn’t happen or my feelings are important. So using humour and exaggeration would be…

A documentary about being the only person in the world that has ever had to take care of sick relatives. That documentary winning an Oscar and personally winning a medal.

Or…

Imagining that because my husband couldn’t speak very much that it was like living alone in an Antarctic research station with just myself for company and nothing but snow for miles around.

Or

That my husband must lavish me with praise and attention 24/7 or the world will literally end.

I found the exercise quite entertaining and encourages a more balanced perspective.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏❤️