Hi Seaturtle

You’re welcome! I appreciate that you understood my intent which was to encourage you to share more about how you feel about your partner.

I’m going to reply in a couple of different parts because it’s getting late. But I can share my immediate thoughts now.

You seem like a very intelligent and self-aware young woman. You’ve already made some really important self-discoveries, well done!

There’s an idea about soulmates that I quite enjoy. Probably different from how you use the term. Still, I wonder your thoughts about it? Basically, soulmates can be friends, lovers, family. Anyone with a significant impact in our lives. The idea is that many different souls come into your life to teach you different things.

I really enjoy this idea, since I think who we choose to spend time with and why is very important because we learn from them as we spend time with them.

In some ways, I think we all teach each other when dating because it’s very much about compromise. Not every guy you date is the same and vice versa. We all have different preferences and needs. Dating is all about communicating and meeting each others needs.

By reading about how you feel about your partner you clearly love your partner, despite your differences. I think that you’re more decisive than you realize! You dump unsuitable guys very quickly, which is a great thing. It sounds like you chose to stay with your partner for a reason.

At any time please feel free to share your thoughts if you disagree. You know yourself much better than I do and I can very much be wrong!

Do you notice a pattern in how you feel about your partner and how your parents raised you?

For example, your father’s love being conditional. And your mother’s overcomforting doing her best to provide you with anything you wanted.

This could link to to the theory about learning from the people that we spend time with I mentioned earlier. Quite often we learn a lot from our parents, whether we like it or not.

Throughout your life you were taught that you deserve to have anything you want from your mother. Meanwhile, your father taught you that you should reject people when they “let you down”.

These messages could translate to the conflicting feelings that you have about your partner? What do you think?

For example, he should be perfect and share my favourite interests with me, spirituality and comedy. But he doesn’t! So maybe he’s not the right person for me.

I hope that I haven’t hurt you by simplifying it to these points. I really just want to know if you see a pattern since you brought up your family history.

I hope that you feel comfortable enough to share any thoughts you have. ❤️

I will be able to share the rest of my thoughts tomorrow.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Hi Luna

That’s quite alright! There is no rush 😊 I’m sorry to hear that your week had a lot of ups and downs. I’m glad that things seem to be calming down.

At the moment, I’m enjoying the chocolate apples available for Halloween. Here, the children go trick or treating and the adults get drunk at parties. My sister loves Halloween and enjoys dressing up for it. Usually, we watch horror movies together for Halloween. Do you have any favourite horror movies? The local woods are stunning this time of year now the leaves have changed colour.

Something special is happening for me. My husband and I are having our first child. I’m very nervous, as well as excited. The hormones are crazy! Ups and downs all of the time. I read a story about a pregnant lady crying over running out of orange juice early in the pregnancy and thought “That’s silly. I’ll never be like that…”. Well now I understand how she felt. 😂

Good luck with your poetry! If you would like to share any here you are welcome (it doesn’t have to be written by you, it could just be something that you enjoyed reading). I enjoy poetry too.

My favourite piece is by DH Lawrence:

I never saw a wild thing feel sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Some may find it a little bleak. But for me it’s a nice reminder not to feel sorry for myself when things are difficult.</p>
That’s honestly fair! Everyone deserves to be treat with respect when they are courageous and brave with sharing their feelings. I think that you have a very positive view of rejection. I agree. The way I think about it is there are billions of people on the planet. We’re all looking for compatibility. It’s down to luck who we bump into and if they’re not compatible, it’s no ones fault. Good luck meeting someone that they are compatible with!

That’s a really healthy view of a relationship. That’s honestly how I feel with my husband and why I married him. It was the first time I’d ever felt like that. I felt like he even accepted the parts of me that I didn’t like about myself. In a way, him loving me; being kind and supportive taught me how to love myself.

I stumbled through relationships for a while wondering what love was. It’s great that you already intuitively understand it. You already know what you’re looking for! Be patient because these types of relationship can be hard to find.

I’m glad that you didn’t find my story distressing. Dating isn’t always sunshine and roses. I think it’s important to be aware of difficulties on the dating scene too. I’m okay and happy to share these stories with you. ❤️

My next relationship was a long term one. My first long term relationship. It was long distance, we met online and enjoyed talking. I visited him and we even planned for me to move to be with him. I had a difficult family life, so I wasn’t sad to leave it behind. But still it was a big decision. Where this relationship broke down is that this partner didn’t communicate very well in-person. Whereas online he was very communicative. So it was like two different experiences in-person vs long distance. He couldn’t cope with having important conversations and shut down, so I ended the relationship. It was difficult because I loved him, but sometimes love alone isn’t enough.

I’m curious about your forward thinking. I’m only just starting to plan for the future, I was in survival mode for a lot of my life. I don’t want you to share things that you don’t feel comfortable with though. As you said, it is a public forum, so I totally respect your privacy.

Love and best wishes! 🙏

I’m trying to think how I knew that I wanted to be with my husband.

I would say that with him I felt loved and accepted for the first time in my life. I felt like I could share everything, not just the good parts of me. He accepted even the parts of me I don’t like about myself.

Hi Lella

I agree with you that the arguments are abusive. I’ve spoken at length about the abusive behaviours present during the argument.

However, OP suggested that they occurred very infrequently, twice a year and otherwise she enjoyed her relationship.

I’m not going to encourage someone to leave a relationship that otherwise they appear to be happy with. In my opinion, it’s is their decision how they feel about their relationship and how they wish to proceed.

You’re welcome to your own opinion. I’m sorry that my opinion makes you feel infuriated.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Hi Stacy

A continuation of my reply earlier.

I would say that your ex liking every single a Tinder matches photo since 2015 is concerning. I think logically you know this. Even if he did most of it in the past before he dated you, it sounds like he was still doing it during the relationship. His behaviour could suggest an obsession with this person. It’s not a nice feeling to be dating someone obsessed with another person.

He did you a disservice by dismissing how you felt about these issues. I’m guessing that you were being considerate and gentle with bringing up these issues and asking him to stop linking her sexy photos. A gentle inquiry was easy for him to refuse. Did you go a little deeper in your enquiry? If not, why not? Were you afraid of upsetting him? It’s tough because when people try to avoid discussing serious issues, sometimes you do need to push the issue and be direct about what is hurting you.

I can see how much pain you’re in about all of this. I think it’s really important when you’re in a lot of pain to try really hard to practice self care. Is there anything that usually you find comfort in? For me, this is talking to friends, petting my dogs and cat, walking the dogs, going outside (I really hate being stuck indoors), watching tv. Everyone has their own unique needs. What do you need that comforts you?

I’d like you to read this next part when you have a calmer moment.

So when we experience a lot of verbal abuse in our lives, we internalise it and begin to abuse ourselves. One trick to changing this behaviour is taking a key theme and practicing repeatedly negating that.

Hearing other people say nice things to us and reassure us cracks the door to the possibility of the negative thoughts being wrong. But it’s practicing intentionally challenging your own negative thoughts that changes the belief that you hold about yourself.

You expressed a lot of different themes. Picking one reoccurring thought in your own words is most helpful. For me, it was I’m not good enough.

I would suggest only practicing the following exercise when you are feeling calmer. I found it can trigger abusive thoughts otherwise, which isn’t helpful.

So for me, the phrase I challenged was not being good enough.

Step 1: What is a good person? What does it mean to you?

Step 2: What is a bad person? What does it mean to you?

Step 3: Do you share any traits in how you describe a good or a bad person?

I found a balanced approach to be helpful at first because my mind would totally reject being overly positive initially. I think I found considering things equally and logically made it hard to deny the good things about myself. I worked up to being totally positive after a lot of practice.

Step 4: Now that you’ve identified some good traits. Record evidence of these traits occurring in daily life. I found this to be a difficult task initially. Starting out small can be helpful.

For example, a stranger dropped their keys and I returned them. I treated my friend dinner. When X person was sad I comforted them.

Another helpful tool, was writing down compliments other people gave me.

Over time, repeatedly doing these activities can be helpful in changing internal beliefs about yourself.

When we abuse ourselves and have low self-esteem we don’t see ourselves for who we actually are. These exercises help us to acknowledge the good things about ourselves that we habitually ignore.

I don’t think you’re like your family. I think you’re like a flower stubbornly growing in the desert or the darkness reaching towards the light. You have faced challenging circumstances your whole life, ones that would make a less capable driven person give up and  become cruel. You persist despite your challenging circumstances and you do so with kindness.

Hi Luna

I’m going to put a trigger warning up at the top here, for the next relationship story I’m going to share at the end. So people know to stop reading if they don’t want to read something that is a sensitive topic and might make them feel uncomfortable.

I’m doing better thank you! How are you feeling?

I’ve always enjoyed the format of forums for the same reason. It’s nice to write something longer, thoughtfully at a slower pace sometimes.

Autumn is actually my favourite season too! I enjoy when the leaves change colour and fall from the trees. I walked by a lot of rich houses with trees on my way to school and there would be crispy fallen leaves on the path. I enjoyed shuffling through and kicking them. Such a simple pleasure. It reminds me of being a child again. It’s also not too hot and not too cold, so that’s a bonus.

Are you planning on going on vacation this autumn/winter? Or do you have anything that you’re looking forward to?

That is true, boundaries are very fluid in personal relationships. It’s a process of two people coming together and reaching an agreement on things, or not and parting ways. I tend to prefer professional relationships in the workplace for this reason. There are strict standards for behaviour. Personally, people’s perspectives vary a lot on which behaviours they find acceptable.

I would agree about not being too rigid in the filtering stage, as you call it.

Yes, the mixed signals about whether someone is trying to flirt or be friendly can be frustrating. I think it’s also difficult because some people are not straightforward if they like someone and can be afraid to let people know that they like them if they’re not sure the other person likes them back. Then again some people just enjoy flirting and don’t particularly want to go anywhere with it.

You mentioned that one difficulty you are having is finding someone who is on the same page as you about what makes a healthy relationship. I’m curious about what your idea of a healthy relationship is?

I agree, I think that’s why this forum is a great place, people can share in a safe space and get the opportunity to meet lots of kind people.

I’m glad that you’re enjoying my relationship stories. This next one is a not so fun a story, but sometimes dating is difficult.

I’m going to include another trigger warning here so anyone reading will know where the sensitive part is coming next.

So basically, there was this guy I liked who was a friend and I thought he liked me. He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. We fell into a friends with benefits style situation briefly. It wasn’t my cup of tea. I suffered from low self-esteem and was told by my biological mother that this is what men wanted. Ultimately, the situation was too upsetting for me because previously I was a virgin and there were some consent issues because of abuse as a child. I wasn’t confident enough to outright say no to someone who didn’t make an effort to check if I was comfortable. After a couple of times I called the whole thing off because I was just getting upset afterwards.

I hope that wasn’t too tough to read. Wishing you all the best, it’s a pleasure talking as always! 🙏

Hi Stacy

I think with your recent ex you’re placing too much responsibility on yourself. People struggle with the same issues they’ve always had in relationships. Likely, he’s always struggled with difficulty during natural conflict. He strikes me as a wishful thinker in positive times. I don’t think he meant harm during conflict. He just wanted you to feel better with minimal effort. Whilst he had his own issues and unhealthy behaviours. I don’t see things on the same scale as your abusive ex.

I’m so sorry to hear about your 4 year relationship with your abusive ex. Some of the things he said to you were awful. No wonder you experience difficulty with being assertive and boundaries.  He emotionally beat you down to the point where you didn’t believe in yourself.

There’s a lot of information out there about assertive communication and ways to manage relationship conflict in a healthy way. A website I used to teach myself about it is called Skills You Need. It provides lots of theory, examples and it’s free.

You’re right, ultimately no one has to make any changes that they don’t want to. But if you think about healthy relationships, they’re about compromise. It’s not about making unreasonable requests, that would be controlling and abusive. But reasonable requests a partner may choose to consent to, because it enhances the relationship.

For example, with trust issues. I too don’t like the idea of flirting and I’m aware it does sometimes happen in relationships. My husband chose to consent to my request because it was reasonable, I was in no way attempting to limit his contact with his friends. He was aware that if he didn’t, I would likely continue to be concerned by his friends calling him pet names which would add unnecessary stress to the relationship. It’s all about working together to reduce stress. He cared about my comfort in the relationship.

I totally agree with your concerns about the previous ex with the Instagram account with the sexual pictures of barely legal girls.  It would make me uncomfortable too. I am aware that some men think it’s okay to lust after younger women who are of legal age. Ethically, I don’t because of the age difference and differences in maturity. These are valid concerns.  He was gaslighting you when you confronted him about these issues.

I don’t think you’re a negative person Stacy. Yes, you have anxiety and trust issues. There’s nothing wrong with that. Many people have similar issues, though they can manifest in different ways. I see these things as a product of your environment. You’ve experienced so much in your life. That ex you had lacked empathy for all of the painful experiences you’ve been through. Instead of praising your strength for doing your best to work your way through it all. He tore you down which is disgusting to me.

It comes more naturally for people with easier lives to be more confident. For people who have experienced a lot of trauma in their life these things are more difficult and take effort and active nurturing to achieve.

I’ve come from an abusive background growing up. I think the main thing a therapist did was challenge my unhealthy thoughts and teach me to spot abuse from others. Her belief in me as a person was very healing.

Outside of therapy I did a lot of work on my own to heal parts of myself that struggled with self-worth. This meant practising being kinder to myself. Restructuring and reframing negative thoughts. Lowering my anxiety. Forgiving and accepting myself. Working on personal development, so I could like myself as a person. Practicing meditation. Developing skills in assertiveness and practicing maintaining healthy boundaries.

After doing these things, I felt like I had all of the right pieces, but it didn’t click and fit in my head. Practising loving kindness meditation was the final step for me. I focused on nurturing positive loving feelings for others and in time that extended to myself.

At the end I realized that simply pursuing these changes, and starting this journey is an act of self love. Even if you don’t feel the results yet.

I was wondering, if you have a central negative thought about yourself? Mine was not feeling good enough or feeling unlovable.

You are truly a beautiful person Stacy! Your strength and kindness despite the difficulties you’ve experienced is inspiring.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏