Hi Kajal

I don’t think there is much you can do.

His mom might like you as a person, but she doesn’t think you are a good fit as a wife.

She doesn’t like your modern non-traditional lifestyle. She doesn’t like that you are from a different culture. She doesn’t like that you stood up for yourself initially regarding conversion.

She wants a submissive Muslim wife willing to raise children, cook and clean for her son. You are very much the opposite of what she wants.

But this is not your fault. Your partner loves you for who you are. He accepts you and being with you makes him very happy. So happy that he has been unsuccessfully bargaining with his family for 6 months. Most people give up very quickly when met with resistance from family.

His mother does not accept you and likely never will. She would prefer that her son be unhappy than with you.

Hi Kajal

On the plus side, it sounds like he has tried to reason with his parents multiple times. He cannot force them to change their mind.

It is a very hard thing for any child to consider marrying without the support of their parents.

I am not on the best terms with my mother, but I still wanted her there when I got married. For someone who has  a good relationship with their parents I would imagine it would feel like a betrayal to go through that without them.

It is a very difficult, sensitive situation for all involved and I don’t think he would have kept trying to reason with them if he didn’t love you.

Perhaps ending the relationship could be a practical way of him trying to protect you from more rejection, more suffering and wasting your time? I’m sure that he has seen how much these issues have hurt you. It was your own instinctual reaction to end the relationship initially too. I’m sure, you loved him even then. It is just the difficulty of the situation. Ultimately, his parents are traditional and there is a level of prejudice that comes with that.

I think that this situation has nothing to do with who you are as a person. You had two wonderful years together. That is what you two created.

With his parents in the mix, there is misery. Perhaps it is good to know this before getting married. They could make your life a living hell. It is not good to have that kind of stress in your life. Do you think it would go away if they begrudgingly accepted the marriage? Or do you think they would continue to treat you poorly? To avoid this, to marry you, he would have to give up his whole family. I don’t think it is an easy decision to make, with no positive outcome. He either loses you, or his whole family.

Perhaps some people are just slower to reply to messages? It’s not a big deal.

Hi Dana

I don’t think people in general cope very well in harsh environments. It can certainly lead to a level of trauma. Is it possible for you to plan to leave that environment?

For me, planning to leave a harsh environment was helpful. It gave me hope that one day things would be easier.

On the other hand, sometimes it takes time. I’ve had various approaches for different situations.

If a person is behaving poorly, I reduce my anxiety by understanding that individual has maladaptive coping skills. This helps me see that behaviour is unrelated to me, so I don’t need to feel bad about how someone else is reacting. In the the past, people have done things that made me feel angry and disrespected. To process and manage these feelings I consider what is within my control? Sometimes people are unwilling or incapable of change. But I am responsible for how I perceive and feel about a situation. Considering, how do I want to emotionally respond to a situation? Can be helpful for me.

Your situation sounds very challenging. It is okay to say no sometimes, especially when you are tired. It is just as important to help yourself, as it is others. If you are giving all of the time, soon you will have nothing left. People don’t always like it when you develop boundaries and say “Sorry, not today. I need a break.”. But it’s okay for them not to like it. People can feel something about anything. It’s not your responsibility to manage everyone else’s emotions, just yourown.

I don’t know if any of this is relevant to your situation. But I wish you good luck in getting through this challenging period. If you have the funds and opportunity a therapist can be helpful.

Hi SantaFe

I think it’s reasonable to be concerned about your friend developing a relationship with someone that you hate.

Have you spoken to the friend that you are close to about how you are feeling yet (without demanding anything)?

Hi Jupiter

Congratulations on leaving your abusive marriage. It takes a lot of strength to do that. Statistics show that often it takes 7 attempts to leave an abusive partner before this is successfully achieved. I’m sorry for the abuse you endured in childhood and during the marriage. I hope that your life is calmer now?

I have also experienced a lot of abuse and my take is slightly different on abusive behaviour. I think that it is very easy. I remember when I was a child. As a result of my abuse I developed similar traits, even becoming violent.

Self control, being a good kind person is more difficult and takes effort.

Abusive people when put in different situations such as in front of others react entirely differently in front of others compared to how they would privately (when they feel there is no repurcussion for their behaviour). This reveals that they have the capacity for self control. They are making a conscious choice to violate boundaries. Why?

Well when I was a child hitting other children made me feel strong and powerful. I enjoyed hurting others, much in the same way I would imagine that my abuser enjoyed hurting me. Things quickly spun out of control. What started as beating up bullies, became assaulting my friends when they told a joke I didn’t like. At the age of 12 I decided enough was enough. I didn’t want to be like my abuser. I didn’t want to hurt my friends, so I had to practice self control, teach myself empathy and not hit anyone.

You have a lot of empathy for your abusive ex husband. My concern is does your empathy for him overshadow your compassion for yourself?
Sometimes it can be emotionally validating to say X was a B*!%# for physically abusing me.

There are plenty of people who feel unlovable that don’t go on to abuse others. So I don’t believe that it explains the behaviour. You said yourself that you now share those feelings. Yet you are kind and empathetic. I doubt that you would ever harm anyone because of those feelings.

You strike me as a very intelligent, emotionally resilient woman and I honestly believe that in time you can recover from this, especially with the support of a skilled trauma therapist. Don’t be dishearted by the length of time it is taking. These things are not easy or quick, but indeed, possible. May your pain grow smaller in time!

Also, I’m sorry that someone told you that very human desires for sex or a partner are wrong. They are natural parts of life.

Hi aVoid

To me, it sounds like you could have PTSD. I had a similar experience and for a large chunk of my life, I felt similarly. Empty, emotionless, lacking motivation.

Emotional numbing or repressing emotions often develops during abuse when it is not safe to express feelings. It can also be a coping mechanism to avoid feeling very intense emotions.

A trauma therapist can be helpful to learn to connect to these difficult emotions in a healthy way.

A specific symptom of depression can be a lack of interest in activities that you used to enjoy.

Do these sound like experiences that you identify with?

Hmm I tried various things with insomnia. I found melatonin helpful. Have you tried it yet? It is a sleep hormone that occurs in people. You can purchase it as a supplement. A very low dose 0.5mg is often recommended to mimic normal hormone production. But you can take more if needed. Some people find valerian root helpful. I wasn’t a fan though.

It’s taken a long time to train myself and develop sleep hygiene to get past the insomnia. Music was very helpful for me to relax and distract my mind. Anything that relaxes you can be helpful. It will take some time but I encourage you to experiment and develop a sleep hygiene routine  that works for you.

When I’m very stressed I break out all of the tools, music, a cup of herbal sleepy tea, candles and teddies. It might be silly, but whatever works as long as it helps. I hope you get some sleep soon!