Hi Anonymous!

Thank you for your kindness! There is just a lot going on at the moment. Studying, work. My sister is homeless, I’m her carer and health issues on top of that. I will be fine though, it looks like next week will be quieter.

I’m glad that things are going well and have gotten easier for you. You deserve it, I can tell that you are a very good person.

What is interesting is how some things stick with us when we are young and these habits can become deeply engrained. I can see similar themes between the present day worries and your initial experience.

Was the situation you described the first time your relationship had temporarily become strained with your parents?

I’m happy that sharing things that have helped my anxiety has been useful and helped you with your own. It has been a pleasure “speaking” with you. ❤️

Hi Hailey

I understand where you are coming from.

Sometimes I say things that sound negative atto others, but they are just facts. I too am well meaning in my intensions. Other times, it is an automatic response that I haven’t thought about.

I try to balance this out by regularly complimenting people. That way people can give me the benefit of doubt when I unintentionaly upset someone. If you are friendly with people and maintain a good relationship with them they tend to be very forgiving. This involves asking people about their lives, remembering important information such as names of spouses, children, interests.

I think everyone has this issue on some level because language is so complex. Communication is difficult!

When people feel insecure they naturally assume the worst. If you don’t have a good relationship with someone or have no relationship with them and they have mental health issues of their own they can very easily take things the wrong way.

Personally, if people say things that are upsetting I like to rationalize it by understanding that the individual could be struggling in some way. I realised that people often say (or do) upsetting things when they are stressed. It is an unhealthy coping mechanism. This helps me understand that I am not really the cause of their pain.

For example, if I say something with good intentions and someone takes it the wrong way. I rationalise this as a misunderstanding. If they act out because of a misunderstanding they are struggling with their own issues and potentially are very stressed. What was said was a very small misunderstanding and the behavior is disproportionate therefore this has nothing to do with me.

Is it ignorant or is it a fact? The truth is that your prejudice was visible from the first message on this thread. Women pick up on these things and they intentionally avoid people with your mindset.

I don’t even know why you would want to date a woman, since you hate them so much. You should probably bring this thread to your therapist. Good luck with the woman hating!

Hi Eric

It takes a long time to change habitual thought patterns. If you think about it, you may have been thinking in this way for many years. On the plus side, you are young. Neuro plasticity will allow changes to occur in time with consistent practice.

My concern is that you need a quality therapist to support you. You may not recover without one. Even when you are feeling calmer you still advocate for hitting yourself. Life is going to be very hard for you without professional help:

I’m a short lady at 5ft 4. I seem to remember that you are taller than me. Is this correct? I’ve dated 3 people shorter than me. The reason for relationships ending has never been height.  are more likely to be open to dating. Whilst it is true that people notice height upon meeting for the first time. People stop thinking about it. Everyone is too busy with their own lives to care about how short you are. Shorter ladies tend to be more open to dating shorter men since chances are you will still be taller than them.

Whilst height can limit the number of people willing to date you before 25. After 25 attraction changes for women. The focus becomes qualities suitable for a long term partner.

Anyone who cares about your height is superficial and judgemental, you can be thankful to avoid a partner with character flaws.

Likewise anyone who judges you based on your family situation or finances has character flaws. It says more about their weaknesses than you.

Many people are not judgemental. I have a friend that is a barista. He leads a non traditional lifestyle. He doesn’t value money. He suffers at times for it. But he is adventurous and brave. Many people are willing to make themselves unhappy for a sizeable paycheck. As long as you believe in your own decisions and lifestyle, people will also view you with respect.

My point is that the circumstances are not the problem. Your anxiety about judgement from others is what causes you pain. You care about the judgement of others because you don’t like yourself.

Everyone has set backs in life. Overcoming these challenges helps us grow as people.

Going to the gym is progress for you. It is something that you do like about yourself. I hope that you continue to discover new things that you like about yourself. Like the cleaning you mentioned. This is a great trait for a partner. Women value a man that doesn’t mind helping out.

Hi Felix

It’s good to hear that you have been in therapy and it helped in some areas of your life.

I would suggest scheduling regular massages so you have physical contact. While you are searching for your life partner you may wish to pursue more casual experiences on plenty of fish.

Lots of people end up without relationships for extended periods of time. I’ve been through that myself. It doesn’t have to be a negative experience. The people that are upset by this experience tend to not be comfortable with themselves. This is why self-compassion can be important. You may need to develop a more positive relationship with yourself.

Hi Felix

It sounds like you have a lot of good habits; exercising, meditating, studying, eating healthily, spending time with friends and family.

You have a couple of good friends that you see a few times a month. Yet you say that you don’t have friendship, a social life or a social circle. How many friends would you like to have? It should be relatively easy to make friends by joining a hobby group of your interest.

My concern is that does loneliness come from you and will it remain no matter how many friends that you have? Is this something that you feel at the moment because your time isn’t occupied by a job?

You are very critical of yourself. This is a form of self-abuse. One way of learning to accept yourself is changing this habit.

What helped me is repeatedly addressing the core belief when I’m feeling calm and therefore less likely to engage in critical behaviour.

I would suggest writing down all of the things that you like about yourself. You could start small and perhaps focus on actions if you have difficulty with this. Try doing this when you feel better after an episode of disliking yourself. Please be patient and practice this regularly it will take some time to sink in.

It can also be helpful to keep a list of compliments that others give you. This doesn’t necessarily mean physical compliments. If someone says that you are a good person or hardworking etc those are compliments too.

Are you divorced? If so, was there a reason that the relationship ended? It could be pertinent since you are interested in dating.

Hi Anonymous

I’m glad that you had a good weekend, but I’m sorry to hear that you have been feeling bad again.

That is kind of you to say, but I think you have been helping yourself. You’re a very reasonable, insightful person and have put a lot of hard work into helping yourself through this challenging period.

I think it’s even possible to do nothing wrong and still hurt someone you love very much.

Repeatedly thinking about a distressing topic is called rumination. I’m wondering, before this did you ever experience rumination about other topics?

I have had some experience with rumination. For me, there is often a trigger. I wonder are there specific times / activities or stressors that lead you to return to these thoughts and feelings?

If you do identify a pattern, I find it can be helpful to focus on the pattern leading to rumination developing rather than the thoughts themselves.

Relaxation can be very helpful to de-escalate. I’m fond of yoga and meditation. I found meditation particularly useful for learning to emotionally distance myself from rumination. Do you have anything that you like to do to relax?

I think this may have triggered a subconscious  belief. The difficulty is that when you inherently believe something to be true, it can be very painful and take some time to change (we are the only ones who can ultimately change what we believe). You may have to repeatedly challenge this false beliefs that you are a terrible person because you made a mistake. Or because you chose to protect your relationship by withholding this situation.

Hang in there, I hope you feel better soon! 🙏