Thanks Peter! How are you doing? Please feel free to chime in at any point. I’m always keen to learn about others experiences and perspectives.

Thanks to delving into Buddhism, Daoism and training with my first teacher I feel like I’m making some headway on the topic of habitual suicidal ideation.

I was paying attention to my body when the thoughts started occurring. I noticed that I had a headache in a particular spot and it pulsed along side the thoughts.

I breathed deeply, focused on relaxing the area and it eased quickly.

I had an argument with my husband.

I was feeling defensive about something that I didn’t do well. This was a trigger for me because my mother used to make up lame excuses as to why she planned to physically abuse me.

I wasn’t entirely aware of the depth of that trigger until today.

My pattern is to feel defensive, explain that I’m hurt and how to improve feedback in the future. I seek reassurance from my husband that he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings.

I have a recurring thought. I’m afraid of being abused. I didn’t understand where this came from. I took it literally to mean my present day and as a result I am hyper-vigilant, looking for signs of abuse. The reality is that I’m afraid of my past abuse or the potential for abuse to reoccur.

I don’t think this pattern is helpful. I will tell my husband when the trigger is active. Now that I’m aware of the specific trigger I can remind myself that the situation is different. I’m safe, loved and not going to be physically abused because I didn’t do something perfectly. The real reason for the abuse was not something that I did, but that my mother was seeking the power she felt while abusing us.

Hi everyone!

Had to take a short break from posting because it was a busy and stressful week!

Today’s topic is physical pain so I’m going to reflect on my experience of it.

Muscle tension is painful, yet I use muscle tension to suppress pain as it protects weak or painful areas.

From a physiological perspective pain is related to nerves. Nerve impulses are generated and travel up the spinal cord, to be interpreted by the brain.

Several things adversely affect pain sensitivity, muscle tension, lack of sleep, stomach issues, stress, menstruation etc.

Several things cause physical pain, inflammation, muscle weakness, structural issues, lack of activity, over exertion, cold etc.

When my health was so poor I couldn’t stand or walk I needed a reason to get out of bed. I just wanted to take care of my dogs. This was enough of a reason for me to try and push through the worst pain. Ironically, now my health is under better control I am more pain avoidant. I am afraid of the level of pain that I was in when I couldn’t walk.

It takes me at least a month for my pain levels to adjust to a new activity. It is difficult to face, considering that I will need to do this repeatedly for each new activity. I will have to find a way through this plateau!

Some additional unrelated thoughts. Just as we would manage a healthy diet by being mindful of what we eat. A lot of Buddhist literature encourages us to consider what we allow into our lives and how it affects us. Who we spend time with? What we spend our time doing? More thoughts on this tomorrow!

Hi @Peter

I’m sorry that you were hurt so deeply by religion. I’m glad that you have found your way through that pain.

Not to worry at all! My idea of God has evolved too. Personally, I think organised religion which is very much a human construct is where the very human flaws creep in. Perhaps this is how we as a society have tried to make sense of it?I wonder can we even conceive of something so far outside the human experience?

I believe more generally, in a higher power. I believe that there is something bigger than ourselves.

Thank you for explaining your concept of G_d in more detail. It was beautiful! I am reminded of Buddha nature.