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I am so scared of being hurt by others I have no one at all.

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  • #399566
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi, I’ve needed advice for an extremely long time, anything would be greatly appreciated. Some background: I’m 19 in school living with my parents. I spend 98.9% of my time alone. I spend less than an hour on average with others in the same room as me and even less time conversing with other individuals. I have abandonment issues, trust issues and due to never being liked or noticed by my ‘peers’ as a small child- an extreme desire to people please. I can be a social chameleon at times. I’m also introverted.
    My issues are many but all connected I believe:
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I feel as though everyone I’m around brings out the worst in me. I was always being criticized when I was younger and now I’m extremely defensive at every little thing. Constructive criticism included. Someone thinks something I said meant something else? I’m defending myself.</p>
     I overshare in hopes to somehow gain connection- and it is only used against me. It’s annoying but I can’t help myself at times.

    I have no friends (haven’t since I was 13)- never mind dating, I’ve never dated-all my own fault I seem to mess up every friendship and any friends I’ve had I haven’t been deserving of.

    I always play victim, a quality I completely despise in myself. I can gaslight myself into believing anything. But it’s always poor me. Ugh.

    the biggest issue is my lack of motivation or focus. I have to pursue studies that are of no interest to me in order to get to the studies I enjoy. It weighs me. I do not start my work until at least mid day and only study for a few hours before completely giving up- still completely exhausted at the end of it all with no fruits for the labors I feel I go through. I know I’m ridiculous and just need to get over it and do my work but it is SO hard to even make myself do a small bit of it.

    second worst issue is people pleasing- I need to have approval of someone and attention to be noticed so bad that it is either I am liked or I am alone. I respect people who have different opinions than me- but It is a great challenge to converse with those who do. I tend to just agree with whatever they say because I don’t want to upset them- then I feel like I’m betraying myself later. Anything I have to do involving other people is exhausting because I always have to think of the best way not to upset anyone. My mom always gets so mad when someone in the family is upset.

    I know I need therapy. i have a job and am saving so I can pay for a big chunk of therapy at one point- I cannot afford it now, and won’t be able to afford it for a long time. I know my issues, I know the cause of my issues. But I don’t know what to do about them besides the standard ‘journal’ ‘therapy’ ‘yoga’ ‘meditation’ ‘confide in a trusted friend or family member’ (that one is funny) Does anyone have advice for me? Please. I need some help. I wish everyone the best morning.
    lea

     

    #399586
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Lea!

    It’s nice to meet you! I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties with bullying and social anxiety.

    I think aside from the usual advice and therapy what helped me the most is exposing myself to positive experiences and kind people. When people support you it starts to turn that negative internal narrative around. You start to believe what they say and that you deserve better.

    Believe me, you do deserve better! You are very hard on yourself, it is hard when you are anxious around others yet also fighting yourself. It feels like you are defeated before you even try. Perhaps practicing self-compassion is an area to work on?

    Would you like to work on meeting kind people?

    What are your interests and hobbies?

    I’m also curious about your relationship with your family. What is it like since I’m assuming that you only have contact with people at work and your family? Is this assumption correct?

    I would also like to provide a little information about anxiety and avoidance. Avoiding things that cause anxiety tends to reinforce fear. When we avoid it we feel relief which internally confirms that we were correct to be afraid. Only by gradually and safely confronting our fears do they begin to lessen.

    Learning about the communication skill assertiveness was very helpful for me when I was learning to set boundaries. There is a good website called skills you need that might be helpful.

    #399610
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Thank you for the reply Helcat!!!
    I really think I would enjoy meeting new people, I just have to figure out how to overcome my anxiety. I raise cows a and show them occasionally! There are plenty of local clubs to join that revolve around that but I just can’t help thinking that I’ll just mess up or be too awkward to meet anyone. Yes you are correct, I only have contact with people at work, and my family. However I mostly work alone. My family dynamic is interesting… My parents are together but my dad works so much he’s only here early morning and late night. my hours for school and work are the same times he is home so I don’t see him much. My mom  carries the emotional load raising my sister and working full time (12) . I used to lean on her , but I’ve tried to emotionally disconnect from her because it’s really started to affect her. My dad and I were really close growing up and now we hardly talk. Im very sensitive and take things personally and he’s very direct and blunt. He often hurts my feelings (One time  he told me to shut up because he wasn’t interested to hear the garbage coming out of my mouth) and when I try to tell him that it hurt my feelings he just calls me moody or sensitive. My mom also thinks im too sensitive and moody but she understands me a bit better than my dad.  they both are trying really hard but just don’t understand. I try to avoid the dynamic because whenever I’m yelled at, told to go away, told im sensitive or moody- honestly when im given really any sort of criticism to my character or personality – I cry. it’s embarrassing. My parents often say things that make it seem like I’ll never find anyone who understands me. They’ll Say things like “that’s how people are” “the world is selfish” etc. which makes me really nervous that if I do make a friend or something they will just reject them instantly. I used to be friends when I was young with a group of girls that hated men for no particular reason- which made me uncomfortable. I’m not into hating groups of people just because one person did something or because of rumors. I like to think myself quite accepting and loving towards everyone. Thank you for the advice. I’ll look into that website!</p>

    #399612
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Just to clear stuff up here: My parents aren’t bad people. They both support my sister in every hobby she takes up, she wants to dance or I want to? Immediately enrolled. They understand I need more space than my extroverted sister does. My mom is really trying to help me, but isn’t sure how. They support me in all my choices and encourage me to get out of my comfort zone. For my 16th birthday my dad bought me my first car and taught me to drive- which he was really calm and patient with. My car allows me the freedom to kinda do whatever I want. They try to help me the best they can. They help pay for me to do things I love and are trying their best. Both of them come from a long line of generational trauma that they are unaware of- and both had quite traumatic child hoods.  which still affect both of them- and they pass down to my sister and I. I plan to seek therapy as soon as I can afford it but as I mentioned it won’t be for quite a while. Thank you again I really appreciate it.</p>

    #399668
    Suman
    Participant

    My friend you are very young and what you are going through is a phase of self doubt and lack of confidence. Don’t get bogged down by these issues. With little bit of planning and meditation 🧘‍♂️ you can come out of the shell that you’ve built around yourself.  You have a long way to go and there may be more difficulties ahead so don’t give up. Dont lose hope and write down your thoughts and try overcoming all your issues one by one,Don’t be harsh on yourself and stop doubting yourself. Try seeking help online and indulge yourself in things that you like. A healthy mind is the first step 🚶‍♂️.

    I wish you the best.

    Suman

    #399674
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lea:

    You share that at 19, you live with your parents and your extroverted 12-year-old sister. Your father works so many hours that he is at home only in the mornings and late at night. You spend 98% of your time alone. You go to school, and you raise cows. Sometimes showing them (livestock shows). You’ve had no friends since you were 13, and you never dated.

    I always play victim, a quality I completely despise in myself. I can gaslight myself into believing anything. But it’s always poor me. Ugh

    – in some ways, you really are a victim, truly. Some of what you believe is really true.

    In what ways have you truly been a victim so far in life, please tell me.

    anita

    #399675
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Lea!

    I like the sound of those clubs you suggested. You clearly have a lot of passion.

    In my opinion, the best way to get over anxiety is to confront it in a safe way. You could make some plans for going to these clubs. Check some places out and work your way up to talking to people if that makes you feel more comfortable.

    It is good to remember that it can take 45mins to an hour for anxiety to subside. It can be helpful to allow yourself time to acclimate. Feel free to leave if you want to.

    It sounds like your parents do their best to provide for you but there are elements of verbal abuse present. No doubt habits that were picked up during their generational trauma.

    I don’t think you’re being sensitive, I think they are dismissing you when you try to stand up for yourself when your feelings are being hurt.

    Fortunately, not everyone in the world behaves in this way although sadly many do. Good people generally stop doing something when you tell them it is hurtful.

    You have a lot of empathy and seem like a caring person. I hope that meeting different kinds of people is helpful! I’m sure you will have a lot to talk about. You have a lot of empathy and are a very caring person.

    #399677
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Wow thank you for all of the replies.

    First I’ll respond to Anita:

    -yes Anita everything you said is correct. you asked me ‘In what ways have you truly been a victim so far in life, please tell me.’ I’m not sure really how to answer this question. And it sort of makes me uncomfortable because I genuinely don’t feel I have any reason to feel like a victim but if I take a step back from my feelings: a time where I may have Truly been a victim is in middle school, I was often bullied, I was locked in a closet once, I was fat shamed- and due to that and my own Beliefs eventually led to an eating disorder, I was isolated, people would throw stuff at me, and eventually everyone pretended I didn’t exist. Sometimes I feel a victim when I think about an  old friend that I had for 7 years since kindergarten who left me because she made a new friend who didn’t like me. Sometimes I feel a victim in my own head when I cannot control my anxieties and fear. sometimes I feel a victim when people do not like me, and I’ll take it as a flaw I have. Sometimes I feel a victim because I feel so alone. Sometimes I feel a victim because I don’t have any grandparents. That’s about it I guess.

    Suman: thank you. I really appreciate it. I rather enjoy meditation in the mornings.

    Helcat: thank you. I just register to go to the local agricultural club in the coming weeks, a weekly club that I can go to. Thank you again honestly I really appreciate it.

    thank you everyone, I really needed some guidance because I’ve been feeling so alone. I was wondering if anyone had any resources for structured journaling. I journal daily just to rant but I’ve heard it can help with emotional mastery. Thank you all.

    #399678
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Just one more thing- I mentioned in my original post two big issues I need to work on. Are there any possible ways that I could begin to tackle these on my own?
    What I said I’m my original post:

    “the biggest issue is my lack of motivation or focus. I have to pursue studies that are of no interest to me in order to get to the studies I enjoy. It weighs me. I do not start my work until at least mid day and only study for a few hours before completely giving up- still completely exhausted at the end of it all with no fruits for the labors I feel I go through. I know I’m ridiculous and just need to get over it and do my work but it is SO hard to even make myself do a small bit of it.

    second worst issue is people pleasing- I need to have approval of someone and attention to be noticed so bad that it is either I am liked or I am alone. I respect people who have different opinions than me- but It is a great challenge to converse with those who do. I tend to just agree with whatever they say because I don’t want to upset them- then I feel like I’m betraying myself later. Anything I have to do involving other people is exhausting because I always have to think of the best way not to upset anyone. My mom always gets so mad when someone in the family is upset.”

    im really grateful for all of the responses.

    #399680
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Lea!

    Practicing assertiveness can help with the people pleasing because it is about politely setting healthy boundaries.

    It is a fine line to balance being social while disagreeing with people. There are subtle ways to do it. First of all you don’t have to approve of anything you disagree with. Sometimes no response can be more tactful. Assertiveness can also help politely redirect someone. Failing that, walking away works. You can always jump back into a conversation when the topic changes to a more pleasant one.

    What helped me to do things that I don’t enjoy is to regularly focus on the reasons why I benefit from doing them. For example, tidying up rubbish. I have pets, if I left it, they could chew on it or try to eat it. I don’t want them to do that. Making the bed, I have allergies and pets. To relieve my allergies I must change the sheets!

    What are the subjects you don’t enjoy? Any reasons why?

    Taking regular breaks is important when studying to maintain concentration. Perhaps you could do your best to enjoy your breaks? Or some people like to make studying a bit nicer by putting on music or nibbling on some treats. Try some different things and see if you have any preferences that make it a little more bearable.

    #399684
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lea:

    You are welcome! You were definitely a victim of School Bullying, I started a thread on the topic and posted in it today, you can see the title on the current page listing the topics.

    It hurts a child a whole lot to be locked in a closet, to have things thrown at, to be fat shamed, to be excluded, isolated, all the things that were done to you in middle school. And you suffered the consequences: anxiety, an eating disorder, loneliness, lack of motivation, excessive people pleasing, etc.

    In your original post, you wrote the sentence that caught my eye: “I always play victim, a quality I completely despise in myself. I can gaslight myself into believing anything. But it’s always poor me. Ugh.” It sounds like something someone told you in anger, an exasperated parent perhaps, saying something like, poor you, Lea, playing the victim! Ugh! 

    I asked you, based on your sentence (boldfaced above), in what ways were you truly a victim, and you answered: “it sort of makes me uncomfortable because I genuinely don’t feel I have any reason to feel like a victim“.

    It sounds to me, again, like it is something someone told you, a parent perhaps (could be a teacher, or another adult in a position of authority), something like, you have no reason to feel like a victim, poor you… ugh!

    (That would make you feel uncomfortable to think about or talk about being any kind of victim).

    I went to an earlier post, looking for that adult in authority who told you these things. Here is what I found: “My dad… One time he told me to shut up because he wasn’t interested to hear the garbage coming out of my mouth” –

    – that would make you feel uncomfortable to say anything that people might disagree with. It explains this: “I tend to just agree with whatever they say because I don’t want to upset them” – you don’t want people to tell you that what you say is garbage.

    “(father) just calls me moody or sensitive… My parents…  say things like ‘that’s how people are’ ‘the world is selfish’ etc.” – it sounds like they are saying that (1) your hurt feelings are not the result of being victimized (ex., by school bullies), but a result of some character defect (being moody or sensitive), (2) you cannot be a victim because if you were, then everyone is a victim because everyone in the world is selfish, etc.

    Just to clear stuff up here: My parents aren’t bad people. They both support my sister in every hobby she takes up…” – it’s just that when they are upset and/ or very tired, particularly your father (because he works such long, long hours), they say things that hurt your feelings?

    anita

    #399685
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    <p class=”p2″><span class=”s1″>Thank you all again. Here are some responses to the replies I’ve received thus far.</span></p>
    <p class=”p2″><span class=”s1″>Helcat: thank you for the advice. I’m going to try and change up my schedule and try different things. I do a lot of reports and essays and such which get really taxing (5-6 a week) . I have trouble putting my copious amount of thoughts into words- especially words that make sense. My points don’t often come across the way I want them to. and so I guess I delay things that require energy because I don’t have that much of it to begin with- I’m scared of failure and have a short attention span haha. I have trouble following self implemented plans and schedules but due dates scare me and I’ve never had a late assignment. I suspect I have adhd but there’s not much you can do about it. I’m going to actively think of ways I benefit from each assignment- I really like that idea. Thank you </span></p>
    <p class=”p2″><span class=”s1″>Anita: Wow. You got it Anita. My dad isn’t a fan of his job. He has trouble with work-home boundaries and he takes on everyone else’s jobs which makes him bitter at them because he has trouble setting boundaries. He really cares about other people and wants to help- at his own expense – similar to me. He has this weird habit of telling me all the things I need to do and not do. He often contradicts himself and it’s impossible to know what to expect from him.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>Eg. The wheel barrow can go upside down beside the shed- then a few weeks later he’d tell me having the wheel barrow upside down is killing the grass and what am I  thinking! He’s constantly giving me ‘tasks’ Eg: it smells in here that tells me you didn’t clean well enough, these dishes are greasy you didn’t put enough soap on the water, you haven’t been doing a good job cleaning the barn, I have very few expectations of you and you are not doing a good job with <Insert minor unimportant task here>. my mom is almost opposite she is very predictable and I can often avoid upsetting her- she doesn’t upset easily to begin with tho. It gives me anxiety that I cannot avoid getting into conflict with him. I was wondering if there was some way I could heal my hurt feelings without apology from the one who caused the hurt? I sometimes have trouble letting go of feelings in fear that I’ll just go numb into depression like I was in high school. Thank you so much Anita I really appreciate all of your help. </span></p>

    #399688
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lea:

    You are very welcome. This will be a long post, and so, I hope that you have the patience to read it:

    1) About your dad, reads to me that he has unfortunately passed on some of his traumatic childhood experience=> to you, just like you stated: “(he)… had quite traumatic childhood…   which (he) pass(es) down to my sister and I“.

    He probably thinks (?) that you have it easy, compared to how he had it. He probably thinks something like, I didn’t have the opportunities that my daughter has, I had to work hard in the field when I was her age and didn’t have time, nor was I given the money for higher education. My daughter has this opportunity… and yet she complains! 

    He doesn’t understand that another person who has a different practical life than he has and had (the time and money to study for a degree, a car at an early age, perhaps, etc.) can have valid emotional problems.

    In addition to it, he doesn’t understand that he caused some of your problems and that he can help you by changing the behaviors that harmed you and keep harming you.

    Dad works so much he’s only here early morning and late night… (he) support(s) my sister in every hobby she takes up, she wants to dance, or I want to? Immediately enrolled… For my 16th birthday my dad bought me my first car and taught me to drive- which he was really calm and patient with” – he loves his daughters, he wants them to have a better life, a better future than he had. He is willing to put the money into this goal. Even though he didn’t have anyone buying him his first car, and/ or patiently teaching him how to drive- he wanted you to have that experience.

    My dad isn’t a fan of his job…  he takes on everyone else’s jobs which makes him bitter at them because he has trouble setting boundaries. He really cares about other people and wants to help- at his own expense” – (1) he wants to stop working but he can’t afford it. It makes him feel resentful, (2) people who help others at their own expense feel good, capable, useful and appreciated- at first, but sooner or later, they get resentful, angry.

    It is possible that after helping you and feeling good about it (ex. buying your first car and patiently teaching you how to drive), he gets angry when you express having emotional problems, thinking something like, what was the use of my money and effort if she is having problems?

    He’s constantly giving me ‘tasks’ Eg: it smells in here that tells me you didn’t clean well enough, these dishes are greasy you didn’t put enough soap on the water, you haven’t been doing a good job cleaning the barn, I have very few expectations of you, and you are not doing a good job with” – as I see it, this is where he gets angry, thinking something like, after all I do for her, and even though her life is so much better/ more privileged than mine was, she is not fulfilling my minimal expectations of her!

    In Summary: people are complex. On one hand he loves you and wants what’s best for you, and he is willing to put work and money into your well-being; on the other hand, he gets angry at you because (1) he is upset, I am guessing, that he was deprived of so much when he was growing up, and still feels deprived, so it’s his old, childhood anger rising to the surface, from time to time, an anger that preceded you and has nothing to do with you,  (2) he does not understand that a person with a life that looks very different from his, can be as difficult, or even more difficult than his life, (3) because of 1&2 he gets angry at you and when he does, he lashes out at you in anger (yelling at you, accusing you of being “sensitive and moody”, telling you that your words are garbage).

    2) About your mom: “My mom carries the emotional load raising my sister and working full time… I used to lean on her, but I’ve tried to emotionally disconnect from her because it’s really started to affect her… She is very predictable, and I can often avoid upsetting her- she doesn’t upset easily to begin with though” – of the two of your parents, your dad is the “sensitive and moody” parent (which is what he accuses you of being), and your mom is the calm one. Someone has to keep the calm and she took on that role, or maybe she entered the marriage with this role. But keeping the calm is sometimes exhausting for her and it gets difficult.

    My mom always gets so mad when someone in the family is upset” – she is in the habit of suppressing her own upset, so to keep the calm. When someone in the family expresses upset, it becomes more difficult for her to suppress her own upset.

    3)  What to do, where to go from here:

    It gives me anxiety that I cannot avoid getting into conflict with him” – every time he criticizes your work, or otherwise, expresses a conflict with you, your anxiety is reinforced. If he is by now in the habit of criticizing you, there is nothing much you can do about it because no matter how good of a job you do, let’s say, washing dishes, he will find something else that you didn’t do well enough- even if it was done well enough, objectively.

    “I was wondering if there was some way, I could heal my hurt feelings without apology from the one who caused the hurt?” –  in regard to your father hurting your feelings, you can heal your hurt feelings without his apology, but not if he keeps hurting you. Every time he hurts you, the old hurt is reinforced.

    I always play victim, a quality I completely despise in myself…  it’s always poor me. Ugh…. I know I’m ridiculous and just need to get over it and do my work, but it is SO hard to even make myself do a small bit of it” – it will get easier if you quiet down the voice of your father that keeps playing in your head, belittling your valid feelings, disrespecting you, talking down to you.  His voice (his mental representative existing in your brain) is exhausting you and making your life difficult. Reality is, that you are a victim (all people are, unfortunately, in one way or another, at one time or another), so have empathy for yourself, don’t judge yourself negatively. In your thoughts about yourself, be respectful toward yourself.

    I tend to just agree with whatever they say because I don’t want to upset them- then I feel like I’m betraying myself later” – please disagree with me in regard to anything that I posted to you so far (if it is a sincere disagreement). I want to offer you this positive experience: disagree with me and I will respond kindly!

    The biggest issue is my lack of motivation or focus… completely exhausted at the end of it all with no fruits for the labors I feel I go through” – like I said, conflicts exhaust you. You are already doing all that you can to avoid conflicts by avoiding your father and everyone else (” I spend 98.9% of my time alone“).  Avoiding people=> avoiding conflict. So, I don’t think that it is possible for you to spend any more time away from people.

    It will help if you found a person, or a group of people with whom you experience no conflict. Self-help groups used to be such places, because there were rules (example, when one person talks, no one interrupts him/ her) to prevent conflict. Also, one day when you are able to live separately, away from your father, that would be a good thing. His mental rep will still be voicing his criticisms but living away from him can be a good start for healing.

    * Maybe, just maybe, if you understand something, as a result of our communication, that you didn’t understand before, and explain it to your father, maybe he will understand and change some of his behaviors… (?)

    Second worst issue is people pleasing… I respect people who have different opinions than me- but it is a great challenge to converse with those who do. I tend to just agree with whatever they say because I don’t want to upset them- then I feel like I’m betraying myself later” – you are welcome to list several issues for me as well as your opinions about the issues. I will then choose an issue about which I have different opinions than yours and…  let’s converse. I want to offer you a positive experience in this regard, an experience where you express different opinions and are true to yourself!

    Anything I have to do involving other people is exhausting because I always have to think of the best way not to upset anyone…. (I)  have a short attention span… I suspect I have adhd but there’s not much you can do about it” – fortunately, there are things you can do to gradually lessen your attention deficit symptoms, but not in the same environment where these symptoms came about. Your father will have to stop criticizing and lashing out against you, so that the environment where you live is one that is safe from criticism and conflicts.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by anita.
    #399701
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Lea!

    You could try Google to look for adhd study tips there might be something useful! I wonder if you have tried speech to text for writing reports and essays. My husband was a fan when he had a lot of essays to write in a week.

    You mentioned that you are scared of failure. Have you failed classes before or is this a hypothetical fear? Do you have any reasoning behind why you are afraid of failing?

    #399719
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Anita- sorry for the late reply been at work all day! wow, thank you. Much of<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>what you have said about my dad I think is really true. It all seems to connect. I talked to my dad today and it was a really nice chat. I’m happy with where it went. I won’t be able to move out until I’m done school in a few years- about 2-3 maybe 4. That’s my intro I guess, but you suggested that I list some issues and opinions and such. So I will. </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>I used to volunteer at a girls summer camp as a junior counselor, when I was 13-14. the camp was focused on emotional well-being and such- but other than that it was the usual outdoor focused- overnight summer camp. I loved that place because it felt like a place that I truly belonged to. People respected me and little kids looked up to me- but I ruined it for myself. There was lots of work to be done at the camp. Eg. branches off the trail, all equipment was back at the end of the day, all canoes were put away properly, porches swept, dishes done, fresh vegetables from the garden picked, bathrooms cleaned etc etc I since I was chosen to be a counselor took it as my duty to do as much as possible so I wasn’t a disappointment. Junior Counselors were often able to participate in many activities in order to bond with the campers. I during the day did all the chores listed above. I remember one day I was outside all day working and cleaning and I got heat stroke so bad I was throwing up- but I was so scared I’d be send home if I told the manager. I worked so hard- until one day the manager sits me down and asks why I don’t take breaks and starts insisting I take the next day to just chill with the campers. </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>T hat same summer later on, after I went home for a few weeks I went back and there were a new batch of senior counselors. The manager and I were fairly close and sometimes I got special privileges like staying up later, access to the staff room and access to the employee pantry and freezer with cookies and snacks and such. She then took it upon herself to bully me the two weeks I was a counselor. She would tell me I was annoying, dismiss me, she wouldn’t let me have access to the employee pantry- even though I was sn employee. She said I was incapable of doing anything correctly, she would try to tell me how to do my job, when I did my tasks she would accompany me and say that ‘I was only a junior counselor and was incapable of doing anything to a decent ability’. I was 14 and she was 27. She told me I talked too much when I chatted with my other counselor friends- she just didn’t like me. I’D be talking to the camp manager and she’d come interrupt the conversation, saying that I was annoying the manager and no one in their right mind would want to talk to me- that the manager was only being polite. The manager didn’t defend me. I never went back to camp after that , I was so scared I’d be bullied again.- it upset me so much – I felt like my ‘safe place’ was ruined. I was so upset that an adult could be that immature towards a child. I personally feel like that was wrong of her to act that hostile towards me, and that I probably should have told someone but I never once told on any of my ‘bullies’ It caused a lot of unworthiness and what’s wrong with me type of feelings. Sometimes I can’t help but feel like ‘the world is against me’ but I choose everyday to love and spread love the best that I can with my social anxiety. </span></p>

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