May 8, 2022 at 8:37 pm #399721
text to speech! I never thought of that. I definitely have to try it now. I failed one course yes- grade six math- yeah it was a long time ago but I cried in the corner for hours. It was really upsetting. The reason why I procrastinate is because I’m scared that I won’t be able to write a satisfactory assignment and that it could cause me to fail. But really me procrastinating the assignment is what will fail me. Haha. I will definitely do a few searches on the internet for ADHD tips!May 8, 2022 at 8:49 pm #399723
I will be able to read your recent posts and reply when I am back to the computer, in about 10 hours or so.
anitaMay 9, 2022 at 10:04 am #399803
It is such a shame that you were bullied, and particularly in a girls’ summer camp that was “focused on emotional well-being“! Before being bullied there, you felt that you “truly belonged to” the place, that people respected you and kids looked up to you, being that you were a hard-working, capable and caring junior counselor- what a wonderful feeling it must have been for you! You were willing to work extra hard to maintain that respect and admiration.
Unfortunately, upon your return to the camp at 14, still as a junior counselor, you were bullied by a 27-year-old (what was her role in the camp?), and not protected by the previously friendly manager. The bully told you that you were annoying, that you talked too much, that no one in their right mind would want to talk to you, that you were incapable of doing anything correctly, and she dismissed and excluded you
“I never went back to camp after that, I was so scared I’d be bullied again… I felt like my ‘safe place’ was ruined. I was so upset that an adult could be that… hostile towards me, and that I probably should have told someone, but I never once told on any of my ‘bullies’ It caused a lot of unworthiness and what’s wrong with me type of feelings. Sometimes I can’t help but feel like ‘the world is against me’ but I choose every day to love and spread love the best that I can with my social anxiety” –
– of course, the 27-year-old was wrong to bully you, what a shame, and what damage she caused! Like you stated, she didn’t like you (“she just didn’t like me“). Maybe she was jealous of your enthusiasm/ happiness being back in the camp, and wanted to rain on your parade, so to speak, just to make it fair, in her mind (because she was quite miserable). Maybe she was turned off by your “extreme desire to people please“, mistaking it for you wanting to be better than others, I don’t know. But in any case, she should have talked to you and gotten to know your motivations and what you are about before making a baseless harsh judgment against you, and then proceeding to bully you.
You mentioned social anxiety (“my social anxiety“)- did it start when you were 14, following being bullied by the 27-year-old, and did you seek any help for it?
anitaMay 9, 2022 at 12:51 pm #399825
Thank you Anita!- to answer a few questions you had- the 27 year old was a senior counselor- legally a minor isn’t allowed to supervise kids, I was just a helper- where the senior counselors supervised and managed the kids. I did not seek help for social anxiety- no. I went to the school counselor for OCD compulsions when I was 13 but I haven’t spoken to anyone professionally about my mental health since then. My ocd symptoms do not come up as frequently as they did when I was younger- and I know how to manage them. My lack of motivation, and people pleasing tendencies are things I do not know how to deal with. My social anxiety started when I moved schools in 5th grade. I was the new kid- and that’s where the bullying started. I remember someone threw a chair at me in 5th grade, I had an individual threaten to burn my house down and I stayed up for weeks scared the individual would come and do that- as they knew where I lived. I completely forgot to mention-
I was punched in the face at school by an individual who I was friends with- I remember saying to them that coffee made people short- the individual was short and drank a lot of coffee and then I was punched in the face. i felt bad for making fun of them I remained friends with them for a year after that- more incidents happened. Maybe four months after I was punched in the stomach by them. I Don’t remember why.
I rode the bus to school. On the bus, I was tackled and pinned to the ground for a few minutes I don’t remember what I said to my friend to make them do that but they weren’t happy- I don’t really remember what happened after that but I am pretty sure the individual threatened to choke me- I don’t remember crying but I’m pretty sure I was because the person pinning me was laughing at how I was crying. the bus driver yelled at the individual before they could choke me. I was called ridiculous and childish for not forgiving them for that- I did eventually. I thought this was all stuff that happened to people sometimes- I didn’t tell my parents even though a whole bus of 20 people were watching- no one got in trouble.
when I was little like 4-5 I used to be aggressive to others I hit a girl once because she turned one of my friends against me- I don’t remember how I stopped becoming aggressive or why I even was aggressive in the first place. I held guilt for years- and maybe still do even though I was 5 years old.
I was pushed down the stairs by someone I thought was my friend -a different friend from the bus incident- I remained friends with them as well because they told me they were stressed from final exams.
my bus driver (50 or 60) always called me chatter box and would tell me that I talked too much and how I just needed to shut up and no one cared what I had to say. Needless to say after two years of being told that daily I never talked on the bus. I wore headphones the whole way there and the whole way home. One day I walked by them and they were talking to another kid about how I was so quiet.
I feel guilty introducing myself to people and talking too much about myself. I feel guilty in daily conversations with my parents for talking too much about something I’m learning. I know I can talk a lot about things that I am learning so I try not to. I hate talking to quieter people who like to listen it makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes even now I wish I was someone who doesn’t chat as much. Im also a push over- I let people call me names and underestimate me all the time and just sit there nodding. I hate that I feel the urge to share my knowledge- because I know that no one wants to hear it- and I end up sounding like a know it all. I hate talking Because I always feel so guilty.May 9, 2022 at 1:21 pm #399826
I am just about to go out for a walk, so I didn’t read your recent post thoroughly, but I thought of asking you a couple of questions based on what I just read, maybe you’ll answer them before I return, and your answers will help you understand better:
Is it that you’ve been bullied, in school and in the summer camp because you suffer from anxiety/ ADHD symptoms such as poor impulse control, saying things without thinking, sometimes inappropriate things, or hurting another’s feelings, and talking non-stop with no regard to whether the person you are talking to is interested in what you are saying, going on and on?
Also, did you receive an OCD diagnosis? Any other diagnosis?
anitaMay 9, 2022 at 1:41 pm #399827
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Anita!
I don’t think that mental illness is an entire cause of some of the things that have happened to me such as bullying- I think that I’ve always had ADHD which can contribute to the bullying. But I think my social anxiety is a result of the bullying. I was diagnosed officially with OCD and generalized anxiety disorder when I was 12. I have not had the ability to talk to anyone in order to be diagnosed since I was 12. I do not have an ADHD diagnosis but I suspect I have it. When I was diagnosed with ocd the school counselor- who was licensed- said that I show signs of autism. So maybe that’s a factor as well. My family has a history of OCD and social anxiety. The symptoms I experience have been occurring for years. And still do such as impulse control, talking on and on. But I have much better control over what I say and how to keep other people feeling happy in situations. I have more of a filter on my mouth then when I was a kid and I try not to share my opinion with anyone because I have no desire for confrontation. I don’t hurt peoples feelings with my words very often anymore. But I also don’t talk to many people.</p>May 9, 2022 at 1:48 pm #399828
I also forgot to mention that I experience panic attacks as well- collapsing, shaking, crying, rocking back and forth paralyzing fear type of stuff.May 9, 2022 at 3:46 pm #399831
You (19) were diagnosed with OCD and with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) at 12, and you suspect that you suffer from ADHD and from social anxiety. You did not receive treatment, but nonetheless, your OCD symptoms occur less frequently than when you were younger, you “know how to manage them”, and you have more self-control over what you say and how much you talk than you used to.
All these things (OCD, GAD, ADHD) have to do with excessive anxiety, including the panic attacks you mentioned.
You shared that you are in school and that you spend 98% of your time alone. Do you mean 98% of the time when you are not in school, or is school virtual?
You also shared that you do not have any friends and that the last time you had friends was when you were 13. I figure that not having friends and spending the great majority of your time alone is a way for you to be the least anxious: the less interactions with people, the less anxiety. On the other hand, you need people because like the song goes, we are “people who need people”, etc. It is a human-social need.
You never received professional treatment, but there is so many treatments that professionals all over the world developed over many years; people go through years of study and practice and become PhDs and experts at providing such treatments, one of which is teaching social skills. The school you currently attend (in-person or virtually) doesn’t it provide counseling/ referrals to community resources that provide treatment for anxiety disorders?
anitaMay 9, 2022 at 3:54 pm #399832
Hi Anita- everything you said is correct. yes I am in virtual school so I spend 98% of my total time alone. They do not provide counseling or referrals unfortunately. My mom has some weird thing that therapy is only for those who have ‘serious taxing emotional trauma’ which I do not have therefore I do not need therapy and just need to figure it out myself and get over it. I plan to go to therapy when I can personally afford it- in my area it is very expensive.May 9, 2022 at 4:12 pm #399833
Well, in the nonprofessional context of these forums, that is, in this self-help context (helping each other as non-professionals), I am willing to continue to share with you all that I know about managing and lessening anxiety and practicing basic social skills for calmer, more effective social interactions.
You suggested that your mother does not believe that you need therapy. Did she express any concern about your panic attacks, and about the fact that you spend 98% of your time alone, having no friends?
anitaMay 9, 2022 at 4:26 pm #399835
I would greatly appreciate that Anita. She doesn’t know I experience panic attacks, I usually find them embarrassing so no one knows I get them. She is concerned about how I spend lots of time alone and she encourages me to join clubs and stay connected to people I once knew.May 9, 2022 at 4:34 pm #399837
“Join clubs“, your mother suggested- are you interested in joining a particular club where you can be around people, a safe setting that will allow you to practice basic social skills, and ease into a return to (a healthier) socializing?
May 9, 2022 at 4:59 pm #399840
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by anita.
There is a club related to raising cows in my area that seems interesting but I’m scared I’ll be judged because traditionally people in the area raise an angus cows which are usually solid black or brown and I raise spotted long horn cattle – which people don’t have around here- I don’t want to draw unnecessary attention to myself. I don’t want someone to ask about my cows- because then I’m most likely going to just spill every cow fact and my entire knowledge base to someone- because I’d be so excited that someone was interested in something I enjoy. I feel like such a child in that manner- it’s embarrassing. The club starts soon and my mom keeps telling me I need to go- for my mental health and The more she asks the more I don’t want to. She always tells me that no one has best friends or really close friends and tells me that o won’t gain any close friends from going but apparently it’s good for me to meet some people. I hate small talk and have no interest in any of the fluffy frivolous ‘how are you’ ‘what do you do for a living etc’May 9, 2022 at 5:21 pm #399841
“She always tells me that no one has best friends or really close friends… I hate small talk” – your mother is free to pursue casual, small-talk friends, and you are free to pursue what you value: a close friend, (or close friends), with whom you can have deep talks!
“I don’t want someone to ask about my cows- because then I’m most likely going to just spill every cow fact…” – you can prepare an answer before meeting with club members. You can prepare and practice for a series of likely questions and answers beforehand.
anitaMay 9, 2022 at 5:51 pm #399844
That’s true! Thank you Anita for all of your help it’s really appreciated. Thank you.