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I am so scared of being hurt by others I have no one at all.

HomeForumsEmotional MasteryI am so scared of being hurt by others I have no one at all.

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  • This topic has 253 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 2 weeks ago by Anonymous.
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  • #401999
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Anita!!:
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I chuckled when you talked about my parents. It’s just me and my dad. He’s quite relaxed in nature, he just gets weird and stressed when he’s working and such. I’m thinking he should be good. When I was younger it was always fun but…</p>
    I am excited yeah, the mountains are the best. And snacks!!! Ahh. I love pizza too. I hope your day is really awesome anita.

    I’ll write in later again.

    sincerely, Lea

    #402000
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lea:

    Oh, if it’s only your dad- your consolation trip is a good idea all the way around! I am continuously impressed by how resourcefully you’ve been reacting to what happened yesterday, bouncing back from the disappointment, excellent! job, Lea!

    anita

    #402014
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Anita:

    I appreciate the praise. Honestly. I will say today has been pretty decent. I was feeling a bit lonely just now. So I went to go see my cows. It helped a bit but I still feel a bit sad. Oh well, What can you do I guess haha.
    There’s this song I always listen to called ‘Silver Lining’ and it always reminds me that everything isn’t always just one thing. Someone can be sad but slightly hopeful.
    I messaged K and wished her a happy birthday and a good year. She responded with a simple ‘thank you- you too’ I think whatever relationship we had has run it’s course. I don’t expect to see her again. So I wanted to send her well wishes.  I probably won’t message her at all anymore.
    I will say my mom has been extra ‘that’s how people are’ ‘half the world is stupid etc.’ lately and it’s really starting to bother me. She also made a comment yesterday that irked me. My sister brought up how I was bisexual for some reason- and was saying weird stuff and I was really uncomfortable because she was talking about me like I wasn’t there. my mom shut her down and told her ‘She can’t even be sure if she is bisexual because she’s never dated anyone before- I especially don’t think she is- just look how uncomfortable she is right now’

    my mom has not said anything like that since I was a young teen. I was completely taken aback. I didn’t try to confront or argue because she’s always right anyway lol.

    one question that’s been in my head all day is: how am I ever going to meet anyone if we’re in lockdown? This camp job was going to be my socializing for the year. The girl I was catching up on the phone with then blurted my whole bullying story to? She blocked me after that. I don’t want to be alone forever. I have my pets, I have you Anita, I have my sister and my parents. That’s it. When my dog died you were the first and only person I told. I had no one else to tell. As a 19 year old I think this is kind of sad. I don’t go on social media anymore because it triggers an OCD response and some sadness me to see pictures of other people with their friends and/or significant others’. It’s not that I’m avoiding triggers it’s that I don’t want to be upset all the time. I dunno. I don’t have Instagram or Facebook anymore because of this- and the fact I have no one that I feel the need to connect to if that makes sense. Anyway, I’m determined to have a good night and to have a good weekend. Best wishes Anita!!

    sincerely, Lea

    #402015
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lea:

    I read your post and I want to reply further tomorrow morning when I am more focused, but for now, regarding “I don’t want to be alone forever”- no way you will be forever alone. I can see you, in my mind’s eye, enjoying a love life and a social life for a long time, looking back at these lonely time as a thing of the past. You are making progress every day, keep making progress every day, and you’ll see how things will change for the better!

    anita

    #402017
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Anita:

    Sleep well. I will keep making progress the best that I can!!

    one more thing I wanted to talk about are my day dreams. These day dreams are something that brings me excitement. They are often very vivid and one story can last weeks. Instead of watching TV sometimes I’ll just lay in bed with some music on and day dream. My daydreams are often a love story. There is almost always a day dream that I’m ‘working on.’ The current one I’m in has lasted almost the whole month. Every day dreams involves me proving myself to or impressing someone. There are 4 types of day dreams I have.

    1) type one. My own life. These are rare. I rarely daydream about I myself finding love- although it has occurred. My last day dream where I was dreaming about being loved in a relationship was several months ago. I was me. I met someone at a younger age (in high school) and he became my best friend. I daydreamed a lot of details- what trips we took what photos we did etc. I then got a very prestigious degree in university and some people who doubted me were impressed, I got married and I I daydreamed about some happy details and- the end. I have also been in ‘secret’ relationships (usually the secret relationships are with women) then I show up one day and surprise my family or someone I used to know with my relationship- they are impressed usually, usually they’re hurt that I didn’t tell them, which for some reason is satisfying.. I find it harder to daydream about how a relationship dynamic with me and a woman would go- but I definitely have daydreamed about it.  I don’t daydream about myself finding love anymore because I (this sounds sad but) cannot picture myself in a senecio where someone is loving me as much as I love them- I find this very difficult to imagine.

    2) I make up two characters and make up their backstories and love stories. This one is the most common daydream I have. It has similar themes of characters proving themselves- they usually have tragic backstories which they overcome to find love. Usually character 1 and 2 run away from home fall in love and years later end up going back home to their parents or friends. The surprise on the imaginary parents and friends faces is what is satisfying. The fact that the parents and friends do not know these characters because they have been apart for so long is the most satisfying.

    3) achievement, Usually with this one the goal is to prove that someone can be happy and/or successful without someone and that they don’t need them. Usually this one is a character who leaves home. changes the world, ie: solves world hunger, global warming etc and then meets their family and/or friends again and doesn’t need them. Can prove to their family that they are just as happy without them.

    4) double life. These ones usually involve made up character- but I have been in one of these before. For some reason I always find it easier to imagine stranger ms in love or doing stuff- it’s so hard to imagine myself doing stuff. Anyway- character lives one thing and has a secret side life- ie secret spy, secret job and then one day they end up having to show their other life to their friends/family and they impress the family/friend- and the friends: family are upset that they didn’t know about the second life.

    I don’t know why my daydreams revolve like that- and it’s very weird. I find my social interaction in these daydreams. They’re very vivid- like movies and have very intense and long storylines. The daydreams are addictive and I can be consumed by them on occasion. Today I ended up daydreaming for two hours without noticing- yikes. So now I’m making up for that wasted time. I am not schizophrenic- I know they are not real. I don’t think I could stop daydreaming- because they literally are the only way I can have ‘other people in my life’ I’m not sure if this makes sense at all. I don’t consider my fake character in my head my friends. Think of it like watching a tv series- except I wrote the storyline, I did the casting, I directed- and it only plays in my head. Does that make sense? Anyway. I’m interested to hear what your thoughts are on these daydreams. Sleep well anita- and/or good morning!! I hope you are well! (Sorry this is so long)

    sincerely, Lea

     

    #402020
    anita
    Participant

    I’ll B back with u in about 10 hors, Lea.

    anita

    #402021
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    dear anita, see you then.

    #402025
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    dear Anita:

    I’m sorry Anita, I know this is a lot!! But I had one more thing to get out. Please not feel pressured to reply back quickly- take your time if you need.
    So I read through threads sometimes and I save advice or things I find interesting. I was reading the things I saved. And I came across this excerpt I did not write down the thread but you replied to HoneyBlossom in a thread and said:

    ”I have learned from communicating with hundreds or thousands of members on these forums in the last 6.5 years, that when we experience a significantly troubled childhood, as adults we keep re-experiencing the same emotional experience of childhood. Sometimes we HOPE (especially as teenagers and young adults, but later too) for a change because of this person or that person, or because of this or that event or change of locations and circumstances…but that hope doesn’t materialize.”

    I saved this a while ago and have been thinking about it.

    The posts suggests that we can hope to overcome childhood trauma but we never really do. When you stated ‘we keep re-experiencing the same emotional experience of childhood’ I took this as learned behaviors- as a child you learn behavior from trauma and then you can’t get rid of them. For example I was not shown empathy or sympathy for my bullying so I tried to play victim and get attention to have my pain dealt with. Do you think it’s possible for me- if I continue to improve- to overcome this generational trauma, this pain from bullying, despite what you mentioned here?

    One more thing: My mom has no boundaries and like me gives and gives and gives and gives and then resents others when she is exhausted from giving. She plays victim- but her abuse doesn’t allow her to self care or buy herself things so she’s just upset with others. This makes me sad that she feels she doesn’t deserve good things.

    studies say that a man will choose a partner similar to his mom, and a woman will choose a partner based on her dad.

    this is especially true. My mom is so similar to my grandma in lots of ways. Though I haven’t seen my grandma in years- so maybe she’s changed I dunno. I call what they do silent manipulation. They make you feel guilty for not doing something for them. They create these expectations in their heads and then you disappoint them when you go ‘off script’

     

    Both of them are like this. My mom more obviously so- I only remember a few instances of my grandma doing this. That’s all for the generational trauma rant. My own my thing is- is it possible to overcome this long line of generational emotional legacy? How do I eventually pick a partner that is not ‘like my parents’ I love my parents- even when they frustrate me but I don’t think I would get along in a relationship with someone who was so turbulent- lol I’m turbulent.

    sorry!!!
    Sincerely, Lea

    #402035
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lea:

    “Someone can be sad but slightly hopeful” – again, it is a sign of mental health to be able to experience (and notice experiencing) two emotions: one that feels somewhat badly (sad) and another that feels good (hope). This kind of mix motivates us to keep going, to achieve goals, while a mono-experience of sadness, without hope, can take us deeper into sadness, perhaps depression.

    “my mom has been extra ‘half the world is stupid etc.'” – and she considers herself to be in.. which half? More importantly, in which half would you consider her (if there were indeed two such halves)?

    Your mother told your sister about you: “She can’t even be sure if she’s bisexual because she’s never dated anyone before- I especially don’t think she is- just look how uncomfortable she is right now’… I didn’t want to confront or argue because she’s always right anyway lol”- it was mature of you to not confront or argue with a person in the … always-right half of the world.

    She may have a point, in regard to you knowing that you are bisexual even though.. basically, you never had sex with another person, male or female outside of fantasy (right?). But if she has a point, then she herself cannot be sure that she is not bisexual because she’s never dated a woman before (I assume she didn’t).

    As to your mother and sister having a conversation about you as if you were not there- it makes me cringe.

    “my day dreams. These daydreams are something that brings me excitement. They are often very vivid and one story can last  weeks… sometimes I will just lay in bed with some music on and daydream. My daydreams are often a love story” – so far, this is exactly what I did and experienced as a teenager! Although I don’t remember how long each dream took. I remember waking up in the morning, setting the stage for my daydreaming and going on with that dream all day long. To me, it was as captivating as watching a movie in the big screen in a movie theater.

    I wrote the above before I read this: “They are very vivid, like movies”.

    “Today I ended up daydreaming for two hours without noticing”- I so can relate to this!

    “I am not schizophrenic- I know they are not real” – neither was I schizophrenic and I knew they were not real, but they sure FELT good, and felt REAL. I miss those times!!! (I don’t daydream anymore, not for many years).

    “I wrote the story line, I did the casting, I directed” – because in my mind, I did such a good job casting and directing, I … daydreamed about being a movie caster and a director!  Also, I started writing movie scripts!

    Many of my daydreams were about “proving myself to or impressing someone” as well. One was about being an international dancer, cheered by a huge audience and watched on TVs all over the world. P.S. I was never a dancer and am clumsy that way. Another was about being a world leader of some kind… there were so many. Like you, I was very much alone and lonely.

    I will read and reply to your most recent post after I submit this one.

    anita

    #402037
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lea:

    The post you quoted from was submitted 7 months ago. I submitted many posts stating this, but there is a second part to those posts which I thought I always add, maybe I didn’t in that particular post. That second part is about healing: that through healing, we can change our emotional experience of life. Healing is never complete, and is never over and done with, but with enough healing, a whole lot of change can take place.

    Basically, prior to enough healing, we keep re-living our childhood in the context of adult circumstances; in other words, we live in the Past. With enough healing, you avail yourself to living in the Present (and there is a match between one’s current, adult circumstances and your emotional experience of life, something we talked about).

    Of course, in your case, your current life circumstances at 19 are the same as when you were 9 and younger.

    “Do you think it’s possible for me- if I continue to improve- to overcome this generational trauma, this pain from bullying..?” – I think that you can heal a whole lot, and you are already in the process of healing. Like I told you, you have what it takes (it says so on the palm of your hand!), maybe more than anyone I communicated with in these forums.

    “One more thing: my mom… gives and gives and gives and then resents others when she is exhausted from giving… My mom is similar to my grandma… I call what they do silent manipulation. They make you feel guilty” – the oldest trick in the book. Men’s traditional role is that of being in Power, that of demanding others’ submission to their power, and demanding it in direct ways.

    Women’s traditional role is that of not being in Power, that of submitting to the power of men (and of the older women in their lives, mothers and grandmothers). What does a woman traditionally does to fix this imbalance of power? How does she get to have power over others and have them submit to her…?

    Answer: she gives and gives and gives … and when one offers to give her something, she refuses because her power is about giving and giving and giving and making the person she gives to feel guilty and submit to her via that guilt. She demands submission in indirect ways, or like you stated, in manipulative ways because traditionally, a woman is not “allowed” to demand power directly.

    “Is it possible to overcome this long line of generational emotional legacy?” – yes, but don’t think of this guilt-tripping legacy as something unique to your family. I experienced the same thing and millions and millions of others as well. It’s a …universal legacy. Simply put: don’t guilt trip anyone and don’t allow anyone to guilt-trip you and you overcome this universal legacy in your life.

    “How do I eventually pick a partner that is not like my parents?”- don’t pick a partner who guilt trips you, don’t guilt trip him (or her), pick a partner who is honest and direct with you, and be honest and direct in return.

    anita

    #402039
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Anita:

    “She may have a point, in regard to you knowing that you are bisexual even though.. basically, you never had sex with another person, male or female outside of fantasy (right?). But if she has a point, then she herself cannot be sure that she is not bisexual because she’s never dated a woman before (I assume she didn’t).”-

    that is a correct assumption. The bolded is exactly my thoughts. Sure, I have never dated, I could never be really sure until I do. That I understand. But it was the way she said it that made it weird. And as far as I know she never dated a woman.  if following her logic- we don’t know if my sister is straight because she’s never dated a man before? Right? When my mom questions my sexuality because I’ve never dated (happened more when I was younger)  I tell her the same thing: ‘It just means that I am open to being in a relationship with someone who is either male or female. The gender does not matter to me right now. What is important is who someone is-their personality, how they treat me and others around them. If I find someone who speaks to my soul and that makes me happy- I don’t care if they are a man or a woman.’
    The whole conversation and the way they had it like I wasn’t sitting right there made me extremely uncomfortable.
    Anyway moving on.

    Today I ended up daydreaming for two hours without noticing”- I so can relate to this!“

    it made me really happy that you can relate to me in this way. I’ve tried to explain them to lots of people but I’ve never met anyone who gets it.

    Many of my daydreams were about “proving myself to or impressing someone” as well. One was about being an international dancer, cheered by a huge audience and watched on TVs all over the world. P.S. I was never a dancer and am clumsy that way. Another was about being a world leader of some kind… there were so many. Like you, I was very much alone and lonely.

    first, I’m very sorry to hear you were alone and lonely in your younger years. Loneliness is not a fate I would wish on my worst enemy. It makes me sad to hear this as you are such a wonderful person. Also- I’ve been a dancer before too haha, I definitely cannot dance though (though like you I am very clumsy. I’m tall, but I am not lean, tall and skinny. I’m not fat, but I’m very muscular in a strong looking curvy way haha. 5”10, 170lbs.)

    so far, this is exactly what I did and experienced as a teenager! Although I don’t remember how long each dream took. I remember waking up in the morning, setting the stage for my daydreaming and going on with that dream all day long. To me, it was as captivating as watching a movie in the big screen in a movie theater.

    I cannot express how almost relived it makes me feel to finally have someone who ‘gets it’ it is just a captivating as a movie sometimes.

    but they sure FELT good, and felt REAL. I miss those times!!! 
    So true, they can feel pretty real sometimes. There have been times I’ve teared up from something that happened in a daydream. When I was younger they were always much worse- I could control when they occurred and I’d miss things- but now I can control them, and I plan 1/2 of an hour a day for when I can daydream.

    my mom has been extra ‘half the world is stupid etc.’” – and she considers herself to be in.. which half? More importantly, in which half would you consider her (if there were indeed two such halves)?

    Ive never asked her honestly though I would assume she assumes herself to be in the not stupid half. I (if this did exist) would consider her very intelligent (not stupid). She is highly educated, (medicine) used to work on vaccine development for highly contagious diseases for almost 15 years (she did not work on the COVID vaccine) . she is also very emotionally intelligent and she used also taught university chemistry at one point (she has her phd) . My dad I don’t think I mentioned is an aerospace engineer (also phd) So both of my parents are highly educated. This is in regard to COVID- since my mom is very familiar with vaccines- she believes COVID could be gone if everyone did their part and got vaccinated. I believe that COVID could be gone- but there’s nothing I or her could do about it and she cannot control other people and their decisions. calling them names and stupid doesn’t help the situation in my opinion.

    Someone can be sad but slightly hopeful” – again, it is a sign of mental health to be able to experience (and notice experiencing) two emotions: one that feels somewhat badly (sad) and another that feels good (hope). This kind of mix motivates us to keep going, to achieve goals, while a mono-experience of sadness, without hope, can take us deeper into sadness, perhaps depression.

    Yay! I am happy that I am showing signs of being mentally healthy! I do want to share one more thing. i remember in fifth grade, it was mental health day. I had not been diagnosed with OCD yet. I remember wishing that I could be mentally unhealthy- so that someone would pay attention and help me. When I was young I wished to be sick- I don’t know if I ever told you the story, but when I was in fifth grade there was a boy in my class and he had cancer. Before he was diagnosed he was that quiet kid no one cared about him no one really cared about his existence no one ever talked to him. He was a lot like me. Then he was diagnosed and suddenly everybody noticed him everyone was buying him stuff, and clapping for him when he would come down the hallway. I battled OCD every day- and while it’s not as serious as cancer- it was a struggle in my head. no one clapped for me and I was really kind of mad about that- in fact everyone in my class that I was weird and crazy.

    My OCD used to be really bad I did rituals, so I think it was five times a day I would have to sit down and I had rainbow pens and I would organize them in rainbow order and then put them away. For some reason I believed that this was protecting me from being bullied. Yeah  it was kind of weird. I also had really bad obsessive thoughts. So I will get into these thinking patterns where I would be completely unhealthily obsessed with something. for a while I was obsessed with rocks. I took five courses about rocks, I checked out books in the library about 20 about rocks and I read them all, I collected rocks and learned about the different types of rocks. Months later I wasn’t obsessed anymore and those 100 hours of learning about rocks didn’t matter anymore.
    I have  short hair now- jaw length- but I used to have really long hair and I had to wear it in two ponytails or two braids every day because if I wore one ponytail or one braid then my OCD would go crazy insane. I remember putting my hair in a quick ponytail for gym class -just one- and there was a point where I was crying because my hair was just in one ponytail it bothered me so bad. I don’t know how I grew out of these but I don’t experience compulsions anymore sometimes I experienced the obsessive thought cycle but I’ve learned to catch myself.

    sorry this  is longer than I intended it to be.

    sincerely, Lea

    #402042
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    dear anita:

    in regard to your recent post- I appreciate it. I wrote on my hand again today because I have a lot of work to do. It’s permanent marker so it washes off but I put it back on every day. Maybe someday I’ll get it tattooed- I don’t know. I’ve made it my personal goal to not carry on any of the emotional legacies that have been in my family for years. I refuse to carry-on the continuous depression cycle, The OCD cycle, or any of it. I guess anxiety too.

    The OCD comes from My grandpa- I know for certain. ( I don’t know him anymore but when I used to) he had such bad ocd about things going wrong that he never left his house. It was so bad that coming to visit me gave him so much anxiety that he never did. He was so scared that something would happen to his house or he would get in a car crash or something like that.it was kind of scary. He also had rituals and they were  scary. Every day he got up at the same time. (I know lots people did this but I remember staying with him when I was younger and every single day at the same time he would be up doing the same thing as he did the previous day- it was like that movie Groundhog Day) he put the coffee pot on at the same time every day and I would hear the noise at the same time every day, he would take his dog out at the same time every day to the same spot every day. He would then eat the same breakfast from the same brand of cereal he always had. He had to bring his own coffee pot when he visited because he had to have the same coffee. I think the worst thing though was he had a big collection of movies. Like dvd’s. They were organized in alphabetical order of the title. And we were not allowed to watch them or touch them. He Didn’t want us to mess up the alphabetical order. The last time i saw him was when my sister was six I was 15, my grandparents are divorced now as far as I know but they were not divorced until I stop talking to them.

    . My grandpa didn’t have streaming services so we weren’t even allowed to watch TV when we were there at his house- we would go to our grandparents house and they would want us to do their yardwork for them. So instead of like taking the grandkids to the fair to have fun- I remember mowing the lawn, weeding the grass, riding my bike to the mailbox etc. I used to stay with them when I was quite young like 6-10 years old for the whole summer. And even though I hated it for some reason they always registered me in baseball for 2months . I don’t know why- it was the weirdest thing ever.

    So one time my sister took a movie off his shelf and we ended up watching it on the TV. He was so angry at my sister he screamed at her in her face. Keep in mind this is a six-year-old little girl who was innocently wanting to watch a movie. My sister was crying and he went to go put his movie back. I was completely terrified.

    my ex-grandparents are divorced now my grandma moved across the country to take care of her dad- her mom passed I think- and my grandpa stayed because I don’t think he could move- simply out of OCD.

    My dad is not like this- not that bad anyway. He’s definitely a perfectionist- and a things have to go back in their places type of person. I need definitely will get mad if you borrow something of his and then you bring it back and it’s in the wrong place. But nothing like the extent of my grandpa. anyway once again post is longer than I was hoping- I am determined to heal and find my way to healing no matter what. i’m still young obviously but I have decided that I’m not going to have children- if it’s something I want to do when I’m older- until I have dealt with the trauma with a therapist. have a wonderful day Anita.

    sincerely, Lea

    #402044
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lea:

    “When my mom questions my sexuality.. I tell her… “it just means that I am open to being in a relationship with someone who is either male or female.. What is important is who someone is- their personality, how they treat me and others around them.. someone who speaks to my soul” –

    – it may be better if at this point, you present yourself as Romantic with No Gender Preference (RNGP, I just made the term up) than as Bisexual. Because you didn’t yet have sex with any other person, and because your interest in a future partner is primarily romantic, at this point: you predominantly want someone who speaks to your Soul, not to your Sexuality. Do I understand correctly?

    I am amazed that your mother has a PhD and your father as well- your academic intelligence is hereditary then. So, your highly educated mother, a medical PROFESSIONAL, is against sending any of her two daughters to a mental health PROFESSIONAL so to help them???

    anita

     

     

    #402046
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Anita:

    you are correct. I want someone who speaks to my soul, I’d like someone who gets me and who cares about me as much as I care about them. You do understand correctly.
    “you predominantly want someone who speaks to your Soul, not to your Sexuality. Do I understand correctly?” This statement is entirely correct.

     

    “So, your highly educated mother, a medical PROFESSIONAL, is against sending any of her two daughters to a mental health PROFESSIONAL so to help them???” yup. I find it very strange as well. I believe that she thinks I don’t have issues because she has similar symptoms as me and thinks it’s normal ie mood swings. As I’ve mentioned My dad is open to it if I can get my mom on board.
    Yeah my parents went to school for a long time. My dad took 12 years to do his degree. My mom took 11 I believe.

    I don’t know if I’ll do my PhD, but I definitely have thought about it. I have a passion for learning and I love doing research. We’ll see once I finish my undergrad. I plan on getting a master’s but I don’t know if I’ll get my PhD.
    anyway have a great day anita,

    sincerely Lea

     

    #402047
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lea:

    Then I hope you will find a romantic/ love partner who will be interested in your soul!

    I was surprised that both your parents have PhDs and work many hours, full time, in their professional fields because you live on a farm, raising cows: who does the many hours of farm work???

    anita

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