Menu

I am so scared of being hurt by others I have no one at all.

HomeForumsEmotional MasteryI am so scared of being hurt by others I have no one at all.

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 91 through 105 (of 254 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #400876
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Lea

    I’m sorry that experience made you feel so bad that you threw up and developed a headache. That tells me exactly how bad it was for you. These symptoms only occur under extreme stress.

    It’s very good that you were able to practice self-care and knew exactly how to handle your panic attack. I’m glad that you are feeling a bit better now.

    Do you think talking to someone from that time was a trigger for you?

    A good rule for sharing intimate information with people is considering, do you trust them? If you trust them they are more likely to respond with empathy. I wouldn’t worry, it sounds like this person didn’t know how to respond to the situation. I’m sure it didn’t trouble the person and they will go about their day as normal.

    #400877
    Helcat
    Participant

    *Or was the trigger how she responded?

    #400879
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lea:

    First, congratulations for completing all the work you set out to complete yesterday, and for doing it in 2 hours and 36 minutes instead of 3 days! Five different assignment, an essay and some reading- that’s an incredible amount of work in such a short time. I think that you have an exceptional ability to hyperfocus!

    You did a quick focus meditation before the work, focused on what’s in the room and nothing else. You were happy and optimistic: “I’m quite happy with the results… It’s now a long weekend and I’m looking forward to it“- good job, Lea!

    Five hours and 30 minutes after you submitted this happy and optimistic post, you submitted another kind of post: “I am scared. I am fearful. I ended up chatting on the phonse with an old friend..”

    So, you had a good day, happy and optimistc, and then you had a phone conversaton with an old friend with whom you didn’t talk for ages. You talked about your 6th grade bullying experience, and as you talked, your voice kept breaking and shaking, and after awhile, she abruptly ended the conversation, saying she had to go. Following the conversation (mostly you talking, as I understand it), you felt guilt (“I felt guilty for telling this girl.. about this… texted her a bunch of apologies“), shame (“what kind of weird person dumps all this… I’m extremely embarassed“), and fear (“Then the fear hit. My entire body was shaking forcefully… paralyzed by my fear… extremely scared… My heart is racing“.

    You were afraid that the old friend you talked to will tell your 6th grade bully what you told her,that he will track you down and find you,  steal your cows and hurt your animals. You were afraid that other bullies (as well as your parents) will read what you shared here, in your thread, and  you ended this post with: “I really just need a hug but have no one to hug me… much love, Lea“.

    18 later, you submitted another post saying that you were much calmer, that you followed your usual panic routine: took a bath, then squeezed yourself into a small corner, hugging your knees and rocking back and forth, fully feeling the anxiety and panic, and that you were going to go to bed, to sleep.

    46 minutes later, you shared that you had a stomach ache and a headache and you threw up a few times, but were feeling okay and going to sleep.

    Congratulations, Lea, for having a panic routine and for successfully following it last night!

    To avoid the trigger for yesterday panic experience, here is what I suggest: prepare the following  word document to fill in the future, before you make a phone call to anyone:

    Objective: what is the purpose of this call? ______________________________________________.

    (If you can’t come up with a worthwhile objective, don’t make the call).

    What I will talk about: ____________________________________________________________.

    What I will not talk about : _________________________________________________________.

    Possible Questions that she/ he will ask me & my Answers:

    Q: How are you? A: ______________________________________________________________.

    Q: How are your studies? A: ________________________________________________________.

    Q: How are your cows? A: _________________________________________________________., etc.

    *** How are you feeling today?

    anita

     

     

    #400882
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Good morning everyone! Thank you for the replies, I’ll try to answer everyone’s questions and replies in one post:

    thank you Anita!! I worked really hard yesterday to get myself to sit down and actually do my work. I now am still looking forward to my weekend but I just plan not to talk to this person for quite a while.

    Helcat, yeah usually I don’t throw up (just sometimes) but I did yesterday. I don’t think it was the person that was triggering, because I have talked to her over text about a few different things. I even briefly touched on the bullying.
    I trust her enough, because she shared fairly personal information to me first through text.

    I remember telling myself before the call- don’t you dare go ramble off on a tangent about something. Ask about her. 10 minutes in I hadn’t let myself really say anything, until she brought up her boyfriend. I instantly went cold and was just thinking about how all this kid wanted to do was get me to agree to date him. I remember when he tried to lock me in a room with him I was started to feel dread and fear. then I just told her that dating was an interesting topic for me. She pressed me asking if I was dating anyone and I kept telling her nope, never dated she then was surprised. Asked why, and so i went on talking about bullying and my social anxiety- how I was too scared to be hurt, how I’d just be too anxious in a relationship. She responded really well, kindly and with empathy going like ‘yeah that’s sucks’ ‘that sounds traumatic- you know you probably should get therapy for this- etc.’ then she abruptly said I got to go sorry and hung up. That made me feel stupid and I proceeded to shake like I was having a seizure. The shaking was so bad my feet cramped up into a ball and became really painful. My thoughts were racing- I mentioned I was worried should would tell someone, or find this bully or he would find me. I started a bath and felt sick instantly as I got in. I was shaking a bit but not as much. I felt so ill, and had a headache. I had a 10-15 minute bath because I felt so sick I got out. I got out of the tub and laid on the floor of the bathroom-my thoughts were on how sick I felt- and about ten minutes after threw up, I waited about 5 mins and threw up again, and about ten minutes and again. Then I was good. And went to bed. I do not want to talk to this girl for at least a good several months. I felt like absolute garbage after that last call. Thank you Anita for all of those questions. As I mentioned I am not going to be calling this girl or answering a call for a VERY long time. I don’t even know why I picked up in the first place. Ugh. Hopefully I won’t be making any calls besides business calls, thank you so much though Anita for the template I’ll save it in my docs. Thank you everyone for the replies.

    #400883
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I completely forgot to mention- I don’t date on purpose. I’d like to, but in reality, I am much to emotionally unstable to be in a relationship. It wouldn’t be fair to someone to put them through my panic roller coaster and for me to constantly doubt them and their intentions would be too much.

    #400889
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lea:

    I worked really hard yesterday to get myself to sit down and actually do my work. I now am still looking forward to my weekend” – your efforts bore fruit: you worked hard to get yourself to sit down and work, and you succeeded. Give yourself the credit that you deserve!

    Also, notice how resilient you are: you had a very difficult time yesterday panicking.. and the morning after- you are optimistic again!

    I remember telling myself before the call- don’t you dare go ramble off on a tangent..” – I told you that threatening (bullying) yourself is not working for your benefit! Instead of a don’t you dare threat, a please don’t talk about (this or that)- would have been a much better self-talk choice.

    We talked about ADHD. It involved Inattention, Impulsivity and Hyperactivity. In regard to impulsivity- the more you avoid implusive behavior (such as calling the friend yesterday without preparing beforehand), the lesser your anxiety.

    I don’t date on purpose. I’d like to, but in reality, I am much too emotionally unstable to be in a relationship. It wouldn’t be fair to someone“- you are a good person for caring to be fair to other people. When it happens that you do become emotionally stable, it would be very fair for a (fortunate) young man to have a romantic relationship with you!

    anita

    #400890
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Thank you Anita. I suspect I won’t be able to be stable until I am able to get professional help which won’t happen until I move out at the very least- I’m hoping to move out in 2-3 years- I’m saving for that. Once I’m in therapy I think I would maybe feel comfortable dating, I can foresee therapy a few years after I move out so maybe when I’m 25 or 26, maybe even later than that.
    Im trying to enjoy this beautiful day the best that I can- however my mom has been giving me a hard time all day. Last night before I had my panic attack I made cookies. I promised her I’d clean up my dishes from making the cookies afterwards. I ended up on the phone with this friend while I was making the cookies. I pulled them out of the oven just as she hung up on me and I had the panic attack and went to have a bath. Then I was sick and went to bed. I forgot to clean up. She doesn’t know I get panic attacks but she heard me throwing up. I told her I was sorry and that I was sick (I often forget to clean up after myself which is Annoying even for me but I don’t do it on purpose)  She got really upset with me saying I always ‘forget’ to do stuff- that I’m such a ‘victim’ and I need to get over myself. Her reasoning was that ‘I’m better than that, and have nothing to be a victim about’ I’ve tried to explain to her about the bullying but I don’t even bother anymore. She then tried to lecture me saying that I always ‘choose’ to forget to do stuff and it’s a conscious choice that I’m making. And how she’s just a ‘bank account’ in my eyes. It felt so hypocritical because it seemed like she was throwing a victim fit while telling me not to be a victim. She’s Anastasia complaining how I don’t spend time with her or the family and how I just take and don’t give. I am determined not to let this ruin my day but I needed to get it out.</p>
    thank you Anita.

    #400891
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lea:

    You are very welcome. You can post here anytime just so to “get things out“, as you said. I am sorry that your mother is raining on your weekend parade, so to speak. To prevent this from happening in the future, like I suggested earlier: PLAN your day so to avoid impulsive behaviors such as calling the friend while baking cookies. Multitasking (baking cookies & talking on the phone) is not your thing (It’s not mine either), so… monotask (is there such a word?) that is: one task at a time.

    anita

    #400898
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you Anita, no more multitasking for me lol. I was wondering if you could answer me a few questions for me that I was thinking about today.

    1) How do you not let things bother you? Mostly things my people say or do?

    2) My mom and dad whether it be mowing grass, doing dishes, doing my own homework, cleaning the barn, etc always has some criticism or something I did wrong. For example I eat everything except wheat (I’m allergic to wheat) and tomatoes. The other day I had a lettuce wrap burger and I picked the tomatoes  off. My dad yelled at me saying that “it adds to the flavor” and I was being ridiculous and overly sensitive for taking them off. When he in reality doesn’t like cucumbers, watermelon, carrots, lettuce, bananas, cantaloupe and apples. He doesn’t pick things out if his food because nothing he dislikes is ever served to him. I was so angry I argued with him saying there’s all sorts of things he doesn’t like. the constant unnecessary criticism is messing me up because sometimes I find constructive criticism to be an attack. How do I just not respond to the comments and almost stonewall them. I’ve tried to argue and fight back but then I’m just a ‘victim.’ Or ‘too sensitive’

    5)  Today for some stupid reason I was in my truck with my mom, I was going to get a new cow scratcher, and she ended up coming along. I started to tell her a bit of how I was proud of myself for being kind to myself and doing my homework yesterday. Then for another stupid reason I told her how I usually screamed at myself and such. Then she got really angry and me and started yelling about how she must have done something wrong to make me like that, and how she wanted me to drive her home right then because that energy was so ‘toxic’ I did not drive her home and ended up apologizing to her several times. She then went on to tell me how something about my life style must be making me ‘depressed’ and how it’s ‘her fault’ I’m ‘unhappy’. I’m not unhappy I’m just frustrated and no one listening to me as usual- maybe i am what they think I am- an emotional teenager who is selfish, a victim and only thinks about herself- I don’t know. I didn’t even dare bring up my sister. I’ve tried to talk about it before.

    What I really want to know is: how can I just do what my parents want, be compliant, non argumentative, non opinionated (I hate disagreeing with either parent because they always have to press and argue with me) and be an easy child for a while?

    #400899
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lea:

    I will answer your questions best I can in the morning, in about 11 hours from now.

    anita

    #400900
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Sleep well Anita. Have a wonderful evening. Thank you for everything.

    #400903
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Lea and thank you. Have a good evening/ night yourself.

    anita

    #400908
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Lea!

    I’m wondering how your parents respond to walking away from them when they start arguing?

    You are doing the best you can to advocate for yourself and they are being unreasonable. It reminds me of my own family.

    How I coped when living with a moody parent was by refusing to engage with that type of behaviour.

    None of this is your fault. It sounds like they are having difficulty adjusting to you being an adult. Many parents do. You are doing what any adult would do, express your own desires and advocating for yourself when you are treated unfairly.

    They are taking you pointing out their mistakes very personally, when they should be praising your growth for being able to do so.

    #400912
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Helcat:

    hi!! That makes complete sense. Sometimes walking away works. Other times I’m being ‘moody’ when I walk away. I will definitely try not engage. Thank you Helcat!!

    #400913
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lea:

    You asked: “1) How do you not let things bother you? Mostly things my people say or do?… 2) How do I just not respond to the comments and almost stonewall them. I’ve tried to argue and fight back, but then I’m just a ‘victim’ or ‘too sensitive’… 3)… How can I just do what my parents want, be compliant, non-argumentative, non-opinionated (I hate disagreeing with either parent because they always have to press and argue with me) and be an easy child for a while?” –

    Let’s look at your parents’ behaviors: your father observed that you were picking tomatoes off your burger and he YELLED at you: don’t do that! Tomatoes add to the flavor!

    My question (to no one in particular): How are you supposed to enjoy any kind of flavor when you are being yelled at?

    You and your mother are in a truck, you are driving. You tell her that you were kind to yourself  yesterday, unlike how you were before: unkind and screaming at yourself. Her response: “she got really angry and me and started YELLING” –

    It is not wise to yell at the driver of a truck while she/ he is driving: it can lead to an accident!

    She yelled “about how she must have done something wrong to make me like that, and how she wanted me to drive her home right then because that energy was so ‘toxic’ … how it’s ‘her fault’ I’m ‘unhappy’” – you shared something positive with her (that you were making progress being kind to yourself), but all she heard was that you were unkind to yourself earlier, which she figured meant that she is a bad mother.

    My best effort at answering your questions: (1)  apply the correct understanding of your situation: your parents I imagine are in their 40s or maybe one or two are in their very early 50s… you are 19, your sister is 12. So, total of 4 children make up the household, four immature people.

    Someone has to grow up, right?

    That someone will have to be you.

    Your parents deserve all the credit in the world for carrying on the many adults responsibilities in their lives, regarding the farm and the household, bringing in the money, paying bills, etc. They function as adults in this very important aspect. On the other hand, emotionally- they are about the same age as you, and all of you are about 12, your sister’s age.

    Why am I saying this: because each person in the household- when it comes to interacting with each other- is impulsive, saying and doing whatever comes to mind, without thinking.

    Your father, your mother and your sister claim that you are too sensitive and yet, they all YELL at you. If any of them stopped to think about it, they would realize that one of the worst thing you can do to a too-sensitive person is to yell at them!

    At the table, your father noticed that you were taking the tomatoes off the burger, he gets angry- he doesn’t stop to think before talking- instead, he blurts out whatever. He does not pause between feeling angry and saying what he says. He impulsively says whatever comes to his mind.

    While driving, your mother hears you say that you used to scream at yourself, she gets angry- she doesn’t stop to think before talking- and she blurts out: you are toxic, drive me home! She doesn’t pause between feeling angry and saying what she says. She impulsively says whatever comes to her mind.

    Same with your sister. Same with you. Of course, the way it should be is that parents are emotionally mature and they patiently and positively guide their children into emtional maturity . But reality is often not what it should be. Waiting for your parents to mature emotionally is not going to work (they think that they are mature becuase they pay the bills, etc.), and telling them anything about maturing is not going to motivate them to mature, it’s just going to cause them to get angry at you.

    You (19) asked how to be “an easy child“, see… you think of yourself as a child, a word that usually refers to a person below the age of puberty. Time for you to think of yourself as a young adult: The Adult in the household.

    Cut down on your own impulsivity: think before you talk; think before you act.

    Don’t say anything to your mother that she can interpret as being a bad mother: don’t share your problems, difficulties and struggles with her. She doesn’t hear your problems- all she hears you saying that she is a bad mother. Think of her as a 12 year old child, not as a mother. Don’t share anything about yourself with your father either. When you are physically sick or in need for a specific kind of help, ask specifically for the help you need, don’t elaborate.

    Next time anyone yells at you, with a strong, confident voice (not yelling back), say: stop yelling at me! Maybe, just maybe- after you repeat this, over time- they will stop yelling at you. Regardless of your success or failure in this regard, it is better that you choose the assertive way (strong, confident voice), instead of the aggressive way (yelling back) or the passive way (saying nothing).

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 91 through 105 (of 254 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.