My childhood was very religious. Baptist
Parents. They took me and my brother out of
School to homeschool us. We were part of a very
Religious and strict group. My brother was the
Favorite. He could do no wrong. I was the one
That my mom took things out on. She did it in
A way though that noone could see. I knew
What every eye movement, look, sigh meant and
I lived to make her happy and I failed alot.
She would get on the other side of her bed on the floor and sob. I cleaned and waited on my
Dad and brother. I didn’t get an education
Really because everything we needed to know
Was in the bible. My brother one time did this
Horrible thing and instead of him being punished I was punished because I didn’t prevent
It from happening.
The guys I dated were who she wanted. Most ended up being gay. My ex I only married becauee I shamed them by getting pregnant before marriage and they forbid me to live
With him in sin. When I would try to break up
With him he would carve my name in his arm
With a knife and cry and tell me I couldn’t
Do that to him. I ended up having two more children with him because he forced me.
It’s just been a lonely life and I’m trying to
Change but I can’t seem to.

I’m sorry using my phone and it wouldn’t
Let me check before I submitted. I meant
I’ve always heard if there is a problem…

HaveLipsWillSmile – Thank you so much for your kind words. I am definitely my own worst critic. I cannot seem to get out of my own head most of the time. It is causing me to not get but maybe 4 hours of sleep at night. I feel so alone and am trying to keep telling myself just because I haven’t gotten the job I want or things aren’t going the way I had planned I need to find happiness in the hard times. For the past couple of days I have tried to switch my focus on what I do have. I have 3 beautiful children. I have my health (even though I need to lose weight), I have a roof over my head, food to eat and so much more that other people don’t have. Do you know of any other guided meditations either online or cheap to buy? I do not have an Iphone/Ipod or anything to download an app on.

FabulousityGirl – Thank you also. I read both of your comments right after you wrote them and seemed to just keep going into a deep depression. Crying, anxiety attacks, no sleep, so it is taking me time to write back. I have had another talk with my best friend and I honestly believe it’s because of me changing. She is the woman that has everything (money, wonderful husband, big house, new cars, vacations) and I am the friend who has always struggled financially to get by. She always says she just wants me to be happy yet when she sees that I am having bits of happiness in all of the yuck I am in she seems to want to put me in my place. Like I don’t fit that role. So I am really distancing myself from her. When we do talk I talk about nothing personal, only about her or things that don’t really matter.
I have also been doing a bunch of talking with my daughter and am waiting on a phone call back for a psychologist meeting with her. I never had the Mom that encouraged me in difficult times. I unfortunately had the Mom that would cry right along with me when I was sad or I had hurt her feelings or embarrassed her (I embarrassed her a whole bunch as a child). I hear people say, “be yourself” and I am honestly confused by it. It saddens me that I am because I don’t really know who I am. I do know I’m the fat, quiet, awkward woman that doesn’t know what to say or fit in. I wear clothes that aren’t ugly but it helps me blend in and not be seen. I don’t want to be seen by people. I was raised to be an extension of my Mother. I was always disappointing her even though I think back and wonder how since I lived my life on such edge and would have major anxiety attacks when I did something wrong because I knew she would go to the other side of her bed and lay on the floor sobbing for hours. I guess, I’m just trying to figure out who I am. I am starting to know but the truth is my Mom has such a huge role in my life it’s hard when she is constantly putting me down for anything I say/do that she doesn’t agree with or didn’t come up with.
I want to enjoy this journey of life, I just don’t know how. I wasn’t taught how, I was taught to go to church, pray, fear God, and basically be perfect. I was so close to perfection as a kid/teenager but was never happy. So I am just trying to figure out a balance I guess.

Thank you both so much for your responses and kind words. It feels good to hear the things you both said. I’ve always been a firm believer in “treat others as you would want to be treated”. I’ve always tried (I’m not perfect) to do this and it has gotten me walked on most of my life. I am now realizing I can do this but I also have to realize others don’t treat people the way I do. So I have to be careful not to get walked all over all the time. It’s hard setting these boundaries. It’s even harder to try to set them with someone I didn’t realize could be so cruel/hateful to me. I’m trying to stay positive, meditating and reading uplifting things online and in books. I will check out the books on co-dependency. I need to read about it and I am going to look into local groups here.

Hi Carmen!

I agree with you. I am trying to take the negative feelings or guilt and focus on the good most of the time. Some days it seems easier than others. I have recognized in myself that guilt or shame is usually the first emotion I go to. Not an easy habit to break lol.