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My childhood was very religious. Baptist
Parents. They took me and my brother out of
School to homeschool us. We were part of a very
Religious and strict group. My brother was the
Favorite. He could do no wrong. I was the one
That my mom took things out on. She did it in
A way though that noone could see. I knew
What every eye movement, look, sigh meant and
I lived to make her happy and I failed alot.
She would get on the other side of her bed on the floor and sob. I cleaned and waited on my
Dad and brother. I didn’t get an education
Really because everything we needed to know
Was in the bible. My brother one time did this
Horrible thing and instead of him being punished I was punished because I didn’t prevent
It from happening.
The guys I dated were who she wanted. Most ended up being gay. My ex I only married becauee I shamed them by getting pregnant before marriage and they forbid me to live
With him in sin. When I would try to break up
With him he would carve my name in his arm
With a knife and cry and tell me I couldn’t
Do that to him. I ended up having two more children with him because he forced me.
It’s just been a lonely life and I’m trying to
Change but I can’t seem to.
I want to not care. Sometimes I think
I am to sensitive. My friends I work
With seem ok with me if I don’t disagree
With them or be kind to someone they don’t
Tomorrow is my birthday and tonight my bf is
Off with friends drinking. When I go out I
Always keep in touch because I wouldn’t want
Him to worry or think I wasn’t thinking of
Him or just to say I love you. My bf is out
And I don’t hear from him except one time to say he is staying at his friends to drink.
I am always doing little things for people.
Cooking a dinner, buying a coffee, small things
But I also am the one they can write off like I
I’ve never had that one person I connect with. I’m usually the 3rd wheel. It’s hard to explain. It’s just lonely and I don’t know
If I need to change or accept I’m meant to be
I’m sorry using my phone and it wouldn’t
Let me check before I submitted. I meant
I’ve always heard if there is a problem…
Thank you both so much! I really appreciate it.
@Alexey…I really do wan to join a yoga group. I am in he process of losing weight and just too self conscious at the moment. :/
HaveLipsWillSmile – Thank you so much for your kind words. I am definitely my own worst critic. I cannot seem to get out of my own head most of the time. It is causing me to not get but maybe 4 hours of sleep at night. I feel so alone and am trying to keep telling myself just because I haven’t gotten the job I want or things aren’t going the way I had planned I need to find happiness in the hard times. For the past couple of days I have tried to switch my focus on what I do have. I have 3 beautiful children. I have my health (even though I need to lose weight), I have a roof over my head, food to eat and so much more that other people don’t have. Do you know of any other guided meditations either online or cheap to buy? I do not have an Iphone/Ipod or anything to download an app on.
FabulousityGirl – Thank you also. I read both of your comments right after you wrote them and seemed to just keep going into a deep depression. Crying, anxiety attacks, no sleep, so it is taking me time to write back. I have had another talk with my best friend and I honestly believe it’s because of me changing. She is the woman that has everything (money, wonderful husband, big house, new cars, vacations) and I am the friend who has always struggled financially to get by. She always says she just wants me to be happy yet when she sees that I am having bits of happiness in all of the yuck I am in she seems to want to put me in my place. Like I don’t fit that role. So I am really distancing myself from her. When we do talk I talk about nothing personal, only about her or things that don’t really matter.
I have also been doing a bunch of talking with my daughter and am waiting on a phone call back for a psychologist meeting with her. I never had the Mom that encouraged me in difficult times. I unfortunately had the Mom that would cry right along with me when I was sad or I had hurt her feelings or embarrassed her (I embarrassed her a whole bunch as a child). I hear people say, “be yourself” and I am honestly confused by it. It saddens me that I am because I don’t really know who I am. I do know I’m the fat, quiet, awkward woman that doesn’t know what to say or fit in. I wear clothes that aren’t ugly but it helps me blend in and not be seen. I don’t want to be seen by people. I was raised to be an extension of my Mother. I was always disappointing her even though I think back and wonder how since I lived my life on such edge and would have major anxiety attacks when I did something wrong because I knew she would go to the other side of her bed and lay on the floor sobbing for hours. I guess, I’m just trying to figure out who I am. I am starting to know but the truth is my Mom has such a huge role in my life it’s hard when she is constantly putting me down for anything I say/do that she doesn’t agree with or didn’t come up with.
I want to enjoy this journey of life, I just don’t know how. I wasn’t taught how, I was taught to go to church, pray, fear God, and basically be perfect. I was so close to perfection as a kid/teenager but was never happy. So I am just trying to figure out a balance I guess.
I totally understand what you are saying. I agree 100% I guess I just know how I’ve said things in the past for instance she has treated me bad off and on for years and I confront (it has never gotten this bad) and she always uses the excuse that she has it so much harder than I do. She’s not like me. Things bother her more than they do me. I feel she’s wrong since I have to be on anti depressants and anxiety medication at the moment but I don’t throw my anger around towards everyone. I guess I just know she’s full of excuses because the truth is if she changed she would have more work to do. She stays at home now and sleeps all day so for her to change would mean gettng up cleaning the house, loving on her children, being a sweet wife and she has told me point blank before she can’t do that. I will ask why and she says it’s no the kind of person he is. I do need to be honest with her I guess I just feel our friendship coming to an end 🙁
I loved reading this. I’m always trying to do small acts of kindness to random people. Taking a cart back for an older person at the store so they don’t have to walk back again. Letting someone go ahead of me when I see they have very little and I will take a while. Telling someone that it will be ok when I see them down. Buying the person behind in me in line at Starbucks’ coffee.I also love to bake so baking a cake and surprising someone with one. It never seems like much but if I put a smile on someones face that’s all that matters because I know how much I appreciate kind things being done for me.
Thank you both for the support and kind words. What’s so funny (not really funny but ya know) is that my separation is better than the relationship I have with my Mom and my friend. I feel like my soon to be ex and I will be great co-parents. We both love our children. I know he is a great Father to them. I just know he is not a great husband. We are so different and we both need things in life or from each other that the other person can’t give. He needs a wife that doesn’t need to feel loved or appreciated. I would one day love to be in a relationship that we are both equals and love and support each other. I want a best friend in a husband and my ex can’t or won’t even try to be that for me. I also know I can’t be a doormat for him for the rest of my life. I hold no grudges towards him I am just having to accept that we aren’t right for each other as far as husband and wife but we are great parents together.
My “friend” called me today and started to talk as if nothing happened. I feel that I am to tired from everything going on to fight. I just know that I can’t talk to her like I always have. She has a wonderful husband that will and does do anything for her. She has children. She has money. She has a nice house and new cars and goes on any vacation she wants. She has what can be a wonderful, happy life. Yet she wants to complain all the time. She says her husband isn’t there for her enough so she started to connect with this other man. For almost a year she blew me off and pretty much told her husband she didn’t love him and never did. She crushed him. He still stood by her and tried to make it work. Now she isn’t talking to this other guy as much (he stopped talking to her because she would call constantly and send e-mails and get upset when he didn’t reply). She now wants us to be friends like it never happened but I am still hurt that she pretty much threw our friendship away for some man that lives on the other side of the United States. I am a forgiving person and maybe even have such low self confidence that I will let someone treat me however they want. I work hard for any relationship I have. I guess I’m just tired of being the person that takes everyone else’s crap. The past month with her going off on me and telling me I am too sensitive and her playing the victim when she is the one who lost her temper is to much . I do not think I can do it much more. I do not think it is healthy for me.
My relationship with my Mom is difficult to since she is a narcissist. I am apart of the forums on the Narcissist Mother website and I love it there. I am finding great support. When I read about a narcissist before and how they treat their children I was shocked, hurt and relieved that I wasn’t alone. It’s sad how they can treat people and not care.
Thank you both so much for your responses and kind words. It feels good to hear the things you both said. I’ve always been a firm believer in “treat others as you would want to be treated”. I’ve always tried (I’m not perfect) to do this and it has gotten me walked on most of my life. I am now realizing I can do this but I also have to realize others don’t treat people the way I do. So I have to be careful not to get walked all over all the time. It’s hard setting these boundaries. It’s even harder to try to set them with someone I didn’t realize could be so cruel/hateful to me. I’m trying to stay positive, meditating and reading uplifting things online and in books. I will check out the books on co-dependency. I need to read about it and I am going to look into local groups here.
Thank you for taking time to respond. I have never heard that about the salt and water and I will definitely keep it in mind. I think being raised by a mother that was so controlling plus used her religious views so strongly (not saying they are right or wrong) to guilt me all the time has really made me question everything. I am trying to show myself the same patience and compassion that I show my kids when they are overwhelmed or having a bad day. I find it much easier to do to others than myself since I was brought up and still told I need to be perfect. Again, thank you. Your kind words meant so much.
I agree with you. I am trying to take the negative feelings or guilt and focus on the good most of the time. Some days it seems easier than others. I have recognized in myself that guilt or shame is usually the first emotion I go to. Not an easy habit to break lol.