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Also to add another thing that is upsetting is the lack of effort she puts into our place because she is too busy out partying and then waking up to work. She doesn’t have her priorities straight. People have always done things for her and I am not going to be that person. I have been the only one to clean our place and take care of things. How would I address this with her for some contribution? Thank you!
Lucia and Donna,
Thank you for your kind words. I will definitely look into her. It means so much to me! It is tough, but I’m excited for this journey. 🙂
Thank you both for the introduction to metta meditation. I will be starting the videos tonight and exploring it.Even though I feel defeated, I’m not giving up! I will take what you have suggested and work on it. Thank you you all so much! I can’t wait to write a happy post on here on my progress for you all! haha I’ll get there.
Take Care! 🙂
Thank you William for giving me some tools I can use to better myself. I just got paid today too so I can look on Amazon and buy them! YAY! I’m literally desperate for any helping tools to keep loving myself on. I hope you are learning A LOT in your journey! Thank you for your help! 🙂
Letty, Buddhist Wife, William, maitri2all, Matt, and Linda,
THANK YOU SO MUCH for giving me kind words of wisdom and giving me strength through this. My day turned around and I enjoyed the beauty and present moment of where I was. I have been doing much better. My friends last night told me I was doing so much better than before. I had a small relapse but I have been surrounding myself in Church this weekend. I went last night at 6pm and then I went again this morning. I have a busy productive afternoon with friends today and I’m feeling blessed. Sometimes it just is so hard, but I have to keep reminding myself that it is going to be okay. I’m so appreciative of you all on here. I don’t know how else I would be getting through this without support and encouragement from you all. Today is still young and I am happy today! Thank you! XOXOXOX
I hope you find the strength to get through this! You have to remind yourself every day how special and beautiful and wonderful you are. You can’t make others happy and love others unless you love yourself and make yourself happy. Sometimes we forget about ourselves. I have never heard that quote, but oh my gosh you are right. THAT IS SO TRUE! Good luck and I hope you know you aren’t alone!
Thank you for giving me a good chuckle! It was nice seeing you vent and get it off your chest! I hope for today you feel better. It may happen again tomorrow. Start a new topic. Keep talking and getting it all out of you. Having it all in just keeps the toxins in. Release them! Thank you for helping me understand! I’m glad you found the strength to leave. You are going to get through this too! Maybe down the line if it feels right, you and your ex can actually be friends. I hope only the best for you! xoxo 🙂
Also Carrie, Check out the site.. happify.com
if it feels like something that will help you then join it. 🙂
I’m sitting at work at my desk and my mouth literally dropped reading that. The nerve he has! I hope that the “time alone” your ex needs causes him to realize he made a mistake and try to take you back. Then I hope you are strong enough to not allow him back into your life. Then I was surprised you had gotten out of a marriage that wasn’t that great! Now I’m curious, and maybe they aren’t even the same.. Can you tell me why it was easier for you after your marriage ended to move on and were glad? But it is tougher now with this recent ex? My ex was in a previous relationship for 5 years and she left him and he couldn’t get over it even after all the time we were together. Then when we broke up he went back to missing her and putting that family back in his life (I had asked him to remove them and that family the mom specifically would still contact him after I asked her not to so he could move on and we could have a chance at our relationship) obviously not doing anything but staying stuck in the past so he will never move on from her even though she is in a committed relationship and moved on and hasn’t talked to him since. But he could care less about dropping me and going back to missing her and that family. So I guess why does it happen that way? Why was it not as much of a struggle for you when your marriage ended? I hope that doesn’t seem like I’m being insensitive to your feelings I just have a curious mind and want to understand the differences for myself.
You will get through a day without heart ache and not thinking about him and without crying. Cry as long and as hard as you can! Get a punching bag to release anger! DO NOT CONTACT HIM. let him go. It will help you move on. Trust me. I wish I would have had the strength four months ago to just accept my ex broke up with me and not talk to him. It would have made it a lot easier for both of us and maybe things would be a little different. Go out for walks and absorb the sun. If you can, go on a vacation! Do things that YOU want to do. You really are in the same place I was four months ago and the way I handled it was with anger and hatred and crying for months and months. It affected my job and bills and life. I didn’t handle the break up well. I handled it a lot better however than previous because I chose not to resort to drugs or alcohol this time. So for me to tell you go out and do things you love and surround yourself with people who love you and do lots of self-nurturing–it is great but you have to have the will and strength to do it. It all was advice given to me and it seems so much easier said than done. It actually was easier said than done. I stayed in bed and wanted nothing to do with anyone. I didn’t talk to people. I didn’t do anything. I just tried to show up to work and most of the time I didn’t. Now four months later, my heart still has some hurt in it, but I don’t think about my ex as much and I don’t cry as much. Whimpering and some tears every now and then, but I am getting better. I am going to Church again I am doing things that are going to be positive for my life and my mental health. Surrounding myself with positive encouraging people. Making new friends. Letting go of the past and the people who hurt me and not letting those things have control over me anymore. Finding my inner peace and beauty I lost so long ago. I’m not 100 percent, but I’m getting there. I encourage for yourself to really try to get better and get out and love yourself and force yourself to carry on. Get rid of clutter in your life. Cut ties with people who aren’t bettering your life. Believe in time and time will heal you. Don’t give up on yourself. You are all you have! (of course I’m here and so is this community) but you know what I mean. 🙂
I like what you said about writing down the positives and negatives. That was advice my Mother had given me months before we broke up and I never actually sat to do it. I wanted to leave my ex so many times, but I stayed because I didn’t want to hurt him so I ended up hurting myself. I didn’t want to leave him because I didn’t want to give up and I wanted for us to get help so I figured love was more than enough, but I guess deep down you have to really sit and look at everything and say is this healthy and right? We can love each other but do you stay with someone because you love them or do you have to do what is going to best for yourself? I am going to do exactly as you have done and write those things down go through them and try and work it with the same mind set that you had. I am also going to go on youtube and watch the seminars that you mentioned from Helen Fisher. Thank you for giving me an understanding of the pain you have experienced and sharing ways you have gone about your own personaljourney. I always appreciate from the bottom of my heart being helped and you taking time to talk to me and help me. You are wonderful!
I’m sorry you are having to deal with the same feelings. It always just seems so unfair. I think ultimately the biggest struggle is just accepting someone will no longer be apart of your life. And after two years you guys were together he offered a friendship? My ex did the same. I couldn’t. How could we go from being friends to being romantically involved to friends? That doesn’t work! Yes, I wish I had the strength to allow a friendship, but I think it is just hurtful to ask that of someone you leave. It won’t ever be the same. Thank you for sharing your story. It is still tough to think there is someone else out there when all I wanted was him, but there is. You are just starting off in your journey after this break up Carrie and I hope and pray that you find the strength to make it through each day. Always tell yourself you are special and wonderful and that it gets better. I am learning BIG lessons as well and I’m glad you are learning them too! When my ex first broke up with me I sent a letter to my family and kindly asked them to never mention my ex again or speak of him and the advice my sister in law gave me was to not be so hard on myself. I’ll pass it on to you! Don’t be hard on yourself! Of course it all seems easier said than done especially since I’m very hard on myself, but it has been four months since we broke up and it is fading. It will for you too! My email is email@example.com In the beginning I wasn’t eating or sleeping and I had high anxiety and severe depression so if you need any help or just want to talk don’t hesitate to contact me! Thank you Carrie for sharing your story and helping me. You are not alone! You are strong! 🙂
You are right. Why does it matter if he did or didn’t or if he does? I just feel betrayed and disappointed. I expected more from him. I don’t blame him entirely. We are both to blame, I just have been blaming myself more. Then I get angry for sitting here blaming myself when the things he did went unnoticed and weren’t right either, but he can sit there and put all the blame on me and not look at his own actions. Then when I start getting angry about those things I just try and brush it away and say what is done is done and I can’t justify myself anymore or have the answers to these questions based off of his actions. I teared up a little bit on Sunday night because I knew and I know he is fading from me and my memories and I keep trying to hold on and grasp on as it slips away and it hurts. I don’t know why these needless thoughts and worries keep coming into my head as he slips away. But when you said “these questions you’re spinning with is they are your heart reaching toward him again to feel special” is something I never thought about. I get ahead and sometimes I fall back down, and it seems like a roller coaster but at least I keep getting back up and pressing forward. It takes time. Thank you for helping me understand Matt.
Just because you two weren’t “officially” together doesn’t mean you can’t treat it like a regular break up. You invested your EMOTIONS into this man. So naturally, of course, you are feeling wounded and hurt. I have had my fair share of casual dating and only two serious relationships. I had a similar experience once with a guy. I had moved to Michigan for college and a guy added me on fb through a mutual friend and him and I hit it off very well. We had the same birthdays. We liked the same things. We knew the same people. We had lived in the same places. We talked for about a year. However, I lived in Michigan and he lived in South Carolina. We had all these plans and things we were going to do and it was so silly to think about it now, but it was an escape for me. I did invest my feelings and emotions into him and he let me to believe those things too. He also planted those ideas into my head. But then one summer he went off to Spain and he started not communicating as much and he grew apart from me. I was hurt and I sent him an email to let him know and he apologized for making me feel that way and we didn’t talk for a couple of months, but later on I realized we were just really good friends and we are still great friends and every now and then we say hello to each other and catch up and every year we always wish each other happy birthday’s! Maybe you can let your friend know that he has hurt you and if you value his friendship and find it in your heart to forgive him maybe down the line when you are ready you can be friends and see him as only a friend and still have him apart of your life. It’ll get better. You seem like you have a sweet spirit and are a strong individual. It’s okay to be alone. You find out a lot about yourself when you spend time alone. But get out every once in awhile and let the sun hit your face! 🙂 You aren’t alone. If you ever need to talk I’m here! 🙂
Thank you for your kind words. 🙂
My heart hurts for you. I am so sorry you are going through this. The feeling of being thrown away after investing yourself and life into someone for 24 years is not something that will take hours, days, or months to fix. It will take a long time. The first relationship I had was six years with a guy that I loved very much and one day he told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore and he had found someone new. I was heartbroken that we had grown apart. I lost my connection with his family and for awhile our friends were conflicted. The girl he left me for he ended up being with for two years before he proposed to her and it still hurt me when I learned he had done so and the following year when they got married it hurt me again too. I had moved on, but it still hurt because I didn’t know why we couldn’t have had that. However, even those feelings of hurt I was also very happy for him and everything that he had accomplished in his life since we went separate ways. After that relationship I went on a downward spiral for the last five or six years and started investing myself into relationships that seemed meaningless and unhealthy for me which caused a lot of hatred within myself. I also had just moved to Vegas so of course you can imagine how that turned out after a break up. Now 6 years is nothing compared to 24, but I know what it is like to lose people you invest so much of yourself into. Even though years later it hurt me when he got engaged and married I was able to be happy for him and everything he had accomplished because the love I had for him was more than enough to forgive. Even to this day I still see how he is doing and what he is accomplishing and I’m so happy for him. I just got out of a serious relationship again three months ago and I find that I’m in the same position, however this time I am choosing to be proactive about it and not continue in the same mindset that I had 6 years ago. The first three months were terrible for me. I was not in the same place that I am now, but I am doing much better. One day you will be there too. We can’t control time, but you have to give time some time.
I feel so much better having this site and talking it out and getting wisdom from others. I hope each time you feel you are caving that you come on here and post your feelings for comfort and to realize you are not alone. I had found these links on ways to improve your life and ways to be happy. One of them is actually from the Tiny Buddha site. Also I have an article called “The Fish Principle” that I just read yesterday that gave me even more perspective on counting blessings.“You pull in your life and you see that though you felt ripped open —- the net actually didn’t tear. That there’s grace in your net. And you actually count them.” I hope you know that even though you are struggling that you have children that love you unconditionally and support you. One day you will look back and be happy and blessed with the experiences you were given for 24 years and the new adventures you have created for yourself. I’m not an expert on advice or relationships, but sharing my story I hope you are able to see that you can find beauty in the pain and that you are not alone. You don’t deserve what you have been through, but one day it will make sense to you.
You are beautiful. You are wonderful. You are strong. You will get through this. Take care of yourself.