Dear Anita,

I wanted to write a note to thank you for all the support the past 3 years (omg, it was 2015 when we first joined)! I haven’t been on the forum for awhile, but wanted to let you know I’m finally in a happier place now. 🙂

Reading your replies always provide great inspiration to me. It gives me new perspective on life for sure!

What is ‘new’ with you?

I’m in my 2nd year of marriage and things are finally starting to ‘calm down’. A bit due to maturity & a big part due to getting help. I’ve been going to therapy once every few weeks for the past 2 years or so. So has my husband. I also joined Al-Anon a few months ago. This was an eye-opener for me. I finally felt like I wasn’t alone & I haven’t been going crazy. Finally surrendering to the fact that I cannot control, cause or cure someone else’s alcoholism. What I can do is focus on myself. I’m training to become a yoga teacher & I love every minute of it (even though I get so physically tired and sore!). But the most important part is being able to find my true self and sticking with it. It is so hard in this crazy world of our’s to not get swayed by society’s pressures, but finally, I can say ‘hey, I don’t want to be like everyone else. I wanna be me!’ It is so liberating!

I wish you all the best Anita & to everyone in the Tiny Buddha Community.

May you find happiness. May you find peace.

Take care everyone!
Jennifer

Dear Ben,

I think it might be a good idea to take some time alone to think about what is it that you really desire. Remember this is your life – not your family, not your fiancée’s. In your opinion, is finding someone that respects your family a very high priority? If so, perhaps you can think about whether you can still live in the current situation in the future? Also, if you decide to have children in the future, would your future wife be shutting out your side of the family?

I grew up with parents that were very similar to the way you described you & your fiancée’s situation. My dad loved my mom enough so that he could tolerate not seeing my dad’s side of family. She simply didn’t like my dad’s side because he had alot of siblings (8 in total) and they were always loud & talkative. It just became worse over the years because my dad built resentment towards my mom for not letting him see his family. They would get into a lot of fights. As a child, I was also upset over the fighting and the fact that I never got to see my dad’s side of the family. Even though they were “loud” according to my mom, I felt much love from my dad’s side…it seemed as if a part of me was missing while I was growing up.

Also, I think you shouldn’t be ashamed of your dad’s situation at all. Unemployment doesn’t make anyone less of a person. He is your dad & I would respect him because he raised you up.

Aside from the wedding, how is the relationship between you and your fiancée?

Also, do not be ashamed of backing away from a marriage. I know a friend that called off a marriage because he felt he wasn’t ready. I think he is free & happy now. We need to love & figure out ourselves first, before we can commit to loving someone else.

Best of luck Ben! Take care!
Jennifer

Dear Jen,

It’s Jennifer here (I guess we have the same names!). I too went through a bad break-up when I was 30….now I am 33 and in a new relationship….

It is difficult in the beginning…but know that there is a future ahead. I would focus on yourself…loving & nourishing yourself. Do things that you enjoy doing…find out who you truly are. Once you have found your true self, your natural personality will shine through & eventually you will attract the right person.

Like Anita said, perhaps it’s a good idea to figure out what went wrong in the relationship so that you don’t let it happen again. Did you perhaps let things slide without voicing your opinion & you got hurt? No one deserves to be abused emotionally. Perhaps a good practice is to voice how you feel. If you don’t like something, you have a right to say something…because it can cause more suffering than good.

You are young…love comes when it’s most unexpected…take a break for yourself and find your true happiness in everyday life. You don’t have to suddenly “forget him”…just take it one day at a time…also this forum is full of people who are willing to support, so don’t feel alone! We are in this world together!

Take good care!!
Jennifer

Dear Leish,

Thanks for sharing with us. This is a difficult situation you are in. I was in a similar relationship before for 3 years…the whole time I felt like I was giving in to his needs and he just constantly had a “dark cloud” over his head. It made me also feel depressed so much that I had to break-up with him because I couldn’t handle it.

One thing that I’ve learned is that we can’t change another person. They have to change for themselves. I am wondering when was the last time you actually took care of yourself? Maybe a few months ago? Maybe start with that. Put yourself first again…eat good food…go for some walks or whatever you like doing (maybe with your daughter too, so you can have some daughter/mother time)…even see your own therapist. We can only take care of another person if we take care of ourselves first.

You’re not responsible for his depression. He is responsible for it. I know it sounds harsh…but from what I’ve read, it sounds like you have done the best you can for him. Perhaps you can say “I have been thinking a lot lately and I feel that you need to see your therapist again. Otherwise, I don’t know how much longer I can keep you here.” Give him timelines and a goal…have something for him to strive towards…if that doesn’t help…give him some final “warnings” before you let him go.

For the sake of yourself and your daughter, I think you need to think what’s best for you. That is not being selfish…that is honouring your own needs and respecting yourself.

Take good care,
Jennifer

Dear Starrynightdreams:

There are lots of people on TinyBuddha here to support you. Can you maybe share with us what you are going through? Why do you feel this way?

Keep in touch,
Jennifer

Dear Pria,

Just going back to Anita’s point…the present situation sometimes triggers unhappy thoughts from the past. Perhaps you were abandoned or someone you trusted did not keep their promise in your childhood…and it is triggering events from very long time ago (childhood)…then the current past (husband) and the present (your interaction with your husband now). We need to shine light on this in order to fully heal ourselves in the present.

I found keeping a journal very handy. When I was getting over previous relationships where I felt betrayed…I would write all my thoughts and feelings down. Then slowly, you can look back and see what are the triggers.

Just to share, I personally had attachment issues from my childhood that affected all my romantic relationships. When someone didn’t keep their promise, it would take me months to get over it. It started when I was young, my parents were too busy working all the time. My grandma took care of me when I was 2 years old…she was also taking care of my 3 and 8 year old cousins. But within a couple of months…because she could not handle having 3 grandkids at the same time…and me being the “newest addition” was kicked out of the house. I had to board with a nanny and didn’t see my parents for 5 days a week from when I was 2 to 5 years old. I felt betrayed and abandoned by my family. It has affected every one of my romantic relationship until now. It is only recently that I was able to tie my present attachment issues to my past. It is crazy how the past can dictate our current daily lives.

If you are struggling too…I suggest seeking a good therapist…uncover what’s under the wraps…get to the bottom of the issues.

Take good care. Keep us posted.
Jennifer

Dear Pria,

I’m sorry to hear what has happened. When these things happen, they catch us off-guard and we can’t quite do things the same anymore. What we need to do is acknowledge our wound….our pain and suffering…and know that it is ok to accept the pain. It is just like grief…we will go through cycles of unhappiness, loneliness, anger, resentment…and it will take time. Allow yourself time to heal. Allow yourself to be yourself. It takes time to build the trust again.

Also you can ask yourself the question “what is true love?”. True love cannot be just defined by our physical appearance or actions, but rather it is our deep commitment to another person. From your post, it sounds to me that your husband still truly and dearly loves you but he made a mistake in his life. You have known him for 14 years, which is 5,110 days….he made a mistake just once…so the probability of him making a mistake again is 1/5110 or 0.019%…a very very low probability. He hasn’t ran away from his responsibilities as a father and as a husband, so he still truly cares.

I think the best thing you can do is to now focus on your child. Watch how your child grows up everyday…learn new skills…give new expressions. When you dedicate your love unconditionally to your child, you are also give love to your husband. You don’t need to force yourself to say or do anything with your husband…when you nourish and care for your child…it will break through the anger and painful seeds stored within yourself. Take it a day at a time, at your own pace.

Take care and I wish you all the best!
Jennifer

Wow, quite a stir here Jack! Lately, I’ve found myself addicted to TinyBuddha…so I’ve been trying not to go online everyday hahaa 😀

In my short 10 years of working the corporate world…from small firms to large public corporations, I think you can be authentic without disclosing everything. There is the concept of “right speech” in zen. I think there is always a right time and right place to say something. You don’t have to tell everyone everything. Some stuff is left to just tell your boss or just your staff, or neither.

I was a workaholic. It is awful that society promotes it. I was hardly at home for dinner, my work spilled into my weekends, my then-boyfriend broke up with me because I was “overly ambitious”. I learned the hard way.

I’d say share to the extent that you are comfortable. People will feel your genuineness if you speak from the heart.