Forum Replies Created
I wanted to write a note to thank you for all the support the past 3 years (omg, it was 2015 when we first joined)! I haven’t been on the forum for awhile, but wanted to let you know I’m finally in a happier place now. 🙂
Reading your replies always provide great inspiration to me. It gives me new perspective on life for sure!
What is ‘new’ with you?
I’m in my 2nd year of marriage and things are finally starting to ‘calm down’. A bit due to maturity & a big part due to getting help. I’ve been going to therapy once every few weeks for the past 2 years or so. So has my husband. I also joined Al-Anon a few months ago. This was an eye-opener for me. I finally felt like I wasn’t alone & I haven’t been going crazy. Finally surrendering to the fact that I cannot control, cause or cure someone else’s alcoholism. What I can do is focus on myself. I’m training to become a yoga teacher & I love every minute of it (even though I get so physically tired and sore!). But the most important part is being able to find my true self and sticking with it. It is so hard in this crazy world of our’s to not get swayed by society’s pressures, but finally, I can say ‘hey, I don’t want to be like everyone else. I wanna be me!’ It is so liberating!
I wish you all the best Anita & to everyone in the Tiny Buddha Community.
May you find happiness. May you find peace.
Take care everyone!
Dear Lady Nadia,
I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with sticking up for your values, which I feel is what you are doing. It sounds like when you describe “force me like: just do it, just for fun!”, that sounds like others are seeking a casual relationship or are pushing you out of your comfort zone. Why start a relationship with someone just out of lust or peer pressure, instead of true love?
There are plenty of fishes in the sea. If this one doesn’t suit you, you’re bound to find another one. It sounds like you’re not really into the trainer, so why push yourself further? When you’ve met someone you like (which you have before)….you will know it. Trust your gut instincts. 🙂
My approach is…we should learn to love ourselves first. Once we truly love ourselves, then we are bound to attract someone that truly appreciates us.
I think it might be a good idea to take some time alone to think about what is it that you really desire. Remember this is your life – not your family, not your fiancée’s. In your opinion, is finding someone that respects your family a very high priority? If so, perhaps you can think about whether you can still live in the current situation in the future? Also, if you decide to have children in the future, would your future wife be shutting out your side of the family?
I grew up with parents that were very similar to the way you described you & your fiancée’s situation. My dad loved my mom enough so that he could tolerate not seeing my dad’s side of family. She simply didn’t like my dad’s side because he had alot of siblings (8 in total) and they were always loud & talkative. It just became worse over the years because my dad built resentment towards my mom for not letting him see his family. They would get into a lot of fights. As a child, I was also upset over the fighting and the fact that I never got to see my dad’s side of the family. Even though they were “loud” according to my mom, I felt much love from my dad’s side…it seemed as if a part of me was missing while I was growing up.
Also, I think you shouldn’t be ashamed of your dad’s situation at all. Unemployment doesn’t make anyone less of a person. He is your dad & I would respect him because he raised you up.
Aside from the wedding, how is the relationship between you and your fiancée?
Also, do not be ashamed of backing away from a marriage. I know a friend that called off a marriage because he felt he wasn’t ready. I think he is free & happy now. We need to love & figure out ourselves first, before we can commit to loving someone else.
Best of luck Ben! Take care!
Thank you Anita and Laura for your prompt feedback! I’m just grateful to have some female inputs out there.
Anita, thank you for your analysis. In the process of him becoming a psychotherapist, he also has to go through therapy and group sessions himself. I think perhaps sometimes these sessions raise a lot of sensitive questions & vulnerability. Because of confidentiality issues, he does not share anything with me and I respect that. However, because he is exposed during the sessions, when we are together, his ego takes over and he becomes insensitive to my needs as a human being….perhaps just like a lot of men. When his ego comes up, it’s as if only he operates alone and his actions don’t impact anyone in this world. He says “if I get my license suspended, it is my problem…not your’s”. I feel like an outsider. I know that growing up, he had a very controlling mother and I know that sometimes I trigger that & occasionally, I remind him that I am not his mother. Also, he mentions from time-to-time how he was bullied a lot by students and teachers at his all-boy’s school…and can’t seem to let that go.
I know that I myself have attachment issues with my parents. Being raised as an only child, I am very emotionally attached to my parents. Their opinions matter to me and sometimes their words can be harsh & I can become hurt. When I talk about this with my boyfriend, he says I am being really sensitive and that I should really see a therapist soon. Perhaps instead of talking to him about it, I should talk to my own friends.
Thank you Laura for your suggestions. I also practice meditation so hopefully I can like you suggested, feel them to the max. Sometimes I feel lonely when I do it alone because of my upbringing as an only child. I think I will talk to a good friend about it. When I tell my boyfriend that I’m gonna chat to a friend about an issue….he replies “you know that will only make your situation worse. You need to talk to a therapist.” I feel like he is controlling even my friends’ circle sometimes. I feel like he judges my friends for not being open-minded enough. But sometimes, I just need a hug or a shoulder to cry on. Ultimately I think I should take responsibility for taking care of my own feelings and not let my boyfriend persuade me not to see my friends.
Thanks again. Your suggestions have made me feel better already.
It’s Jennifer here (I guess we have the same names!). I too went through a bad break-up when I was 30….now I am 33 and in a new relationship….
It is difficult in the beginning…but know that there is a future ahead. I would focus on yourself…loving & nourishing yourself. Do things that you enjoy doing…find out who you truly are. Once you have found your true self, your natural personality will shine through & eventually you will attract the right person.
Like Anita said, perhaps it’s a good idea to figure out what went wrong in the relationship so that you don’t let it happen again. Did you perhaps let things slide without voicing your opinion & you got hurt? No one deserves to be abused emotionally. Perhaps a good practice is to voice how you feel. If you don’t like something, you have a right to say something…because it can cause more suffering than good.
You are young…love comes when it’s most unexpected…take a break for yourself and find your true happiness in everyday life. You don’t have to suddenly “forget him”…just take it one day at a time…also this forum is full of people who are willing to support, so don’t feel alone! We are in this world together!
Take good care!!
Welcome Rae to the world of no attachments!
Congrats on making such a decision! I am in the same boat…33 years old…no job for 4 months now, no extracurricular stuff, no kids, moved to a quieter part of town…in a relationship now but not married. I will say that there are days that I feel lonely because all my friends are working….but it’s so wonderful that I can actually enjoy the beach during the day…I can enjoy a long homemade breakfast in my pj’s….do whatever I like.
With regards to a job or career…I would say just keep your heart and mind open. You can always sell art on etsy or the local market. If you run into a situation where you are running low on funds, you can always barter housekeeping or playing music at a local restaurant for food or some quick cash. I always think that I can work at a coffee shop if I am desperate.
It is scary…but it is through these experiences that we can learn about our true authentic self and find out what is truly important to us. True joy and happiness comes from within & not externally.
I wish you the best of luck!
- This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Jennifer.
Thanks for sharing with us. This is a difficult situation you are in. I was in a similar relationship before for 3 years…the whole time I felt like I was giving in to his needs and he just constantly had a “dark cloud” over his head. It made me also feel depressed so much that I had to break-up with him because I couldn’t handle it.
One thing that I’ve learned is that we can’t change another person. They have to change for themselves. I am wondering when was the last time you actually took care of yourself? Maybe a few months ago? Maybe start with that. Put yourself first again…eat good food…go for some walks or whatever you like doing (maybe with your daughter too, so you can have some daughter/mother time)…even see your own therapist. We can only take care of another person if we take care of ourselves first.
You’re not responsible for his depression. He is responsible for it. I know it sounds harsh…but from what I’ve read, it sounds like you have done the best you can for him. Perhaps you can say “I have been thinking a lot lately and I feel that you need to see your therapist again. Otherwise, I don’t know how much longer I can keep you here.” Give him timelines and a goal…have something for him to strive towards…if that doesn’t help…give him some final “warnings” before you let him go.
For the sake of yourself and your daughter, I think you need to think what’s best for you. That is not being selfish…that is honouring your own needs and respecting yourself.
Take good care,
As I read your post, I kept nodding my head. I’m a 33-year-old only child (yay, welcome to the club!)…and I still feel that my parents are pulling my strings sometimes. It’s gotten much better since I moved out.
I used to think that I was not abused or neglected….but if you are feeling the pressure, then there is something deep down that your parents did pass to you…maybe it just takes time to figure it out.
Growing up, my parents never said “I must succeed” but then my mom would compare my high school marks against my cousin who was in the same grade. Although she never said “You must earn top marks”, the fact that she was comparing and commenting against my cousin, whether better or worse inadvertently gave me pressure.
My mom never said I needed to be perfect, but I felt she was controlling and she had low self-esteem. She always says she is not pretty enough even in a beautiful evening dress, so I grew up thinking I was also not pretty enough. She would panic if we had relatives visit and everything in the house (e.g. how to stack dishes) had to be done a certain way. The way that she panicked subconsciously taught me that if I was not “perfect”, then I would be banished from the house because it had to be presented a certain way to the outside world.
Further to that, there are no siblings to bounce any ideas off…so it sometimes feels like we are the only one taking all the responsibilities of our parents. I’d like to always remind myself once awhile “who’s life am I living? It is my own or my parents?” Sometimes, I forget that my parents are only human beings too….they can make their own decisions about things…but it doesn’t mean that I have to follow anymore because I am an adult now.
I read your other posts on Christianity. I know that feeling of when you “lost” a group to belong because your belief system no longer fits theirs. That is ok. Remember to love yourself. We all are equal beings in this world. May I suggest perhaps doing other activities that is non-religion based and perhaps you may find some new & interesting people e.g. Any hobby or interest group, exercise/outdoor/sport group, etc. I’ve been lazy with that myself too. I think I’ll maybe join a local yoga class again.
Thanks for sharing & take care!
There are lots of people on TinyBuddha here to support you. Can you maybe share with us what you are going through? Why do you feel this way?
Keep in touch,
Reading your last reply, maybe the frustration is coming from a disconnect between your mind and your heart. Your mind says “do not trust him because he did something that hurt me”. Your heart says “he still loves me very much and I see it”. Perhaps take some time to reflect and think how you feel as a whole. When you reflect, accept those emotions & then carry it gently like a child (e.g I am feeling resentment…but its ok that I feel it after all…this feeling will pass shortly). Don’t judge yourself for feeling no trust. You are doing your best at this point in time. We are human beings after all. Trust is something that takes time and confidence to build. Unfortunately it is not like a light switch, where you can turn it off or turn it on.
Perhaps you can also think about how your grandparents helped you heal. What was it that they did? The food they cooked, the songs they sang, stories they shared, or something else that made you warm and fuzzy inside? For example, maybe you like eating a good meal. Perhaps you can ask your husband to take you out on a “date” to have a good meal. You can try to make it like your first date with him & leave the past behind for just that time…enjoy the meal, the atmosphere, share some jokes. Humour is another good way to restore broken relationships.
Take it easy…and good luck,
Just going back to Anita’s point…the present situation sometimes triggers unhappy thoughts from the past. Perhaps you were abandoned or someone you trusted did not keep their promise in your childhood…and it is triggering events from very long time ago (childhood)…then the current past (husband) and the present (your interaction with your husband now). We need to shine light on this in order to fully heal ourselves in the present.
I found keeping a journal very handy. When I was getting over previous relationships where I felt betrayed…I would write all my thoughts and feelings down. Then slowly, you can look back and see what are the triggers.
Just to share, I personally had attachment issues from my childhood that affected all my romantic relationships. When someone didn’t keep their promise, it would take me months to get over it. It started when I was young, my parents were too busy working all the time. My grandma took care of me when I was 2 years old…she was also taking care of my 3 and 8 year old cousins. But within a couple of months…because she could not handle having 3 grandkids at the same time…and me being the “newest addition” was kicked out of the house. I had to board with a nanny and didn’t see my parents for 5 days a week from when I was 2 to 5 years old. I felt betrayed and abandoned by my family. It has affected every one of my romantic relationship until now. It is only recently that I was able to tie my present attachment issues to my past. It is crazy how the past can dictate our current daily lives.
If you are struggling too…I suggest seeking a good therapist…uncover what’s under the wraps…get to the bottom of the issues.
Take good care. Keep us posted.
Thanks for sharing. I too struggle with getting on the yoga mat. Here’s some other things I do to de-stress:
– Slow down when doing laundry or other chores. Sometimes I feel I am rushing and then I realize that I don’t have to. I slowly do it in my own time and space…like I take 5 minutes instead of 1 minute…then these chores becomes quite comforting as a break in the day
– Have a “mindfulness bell” (you can download the app on your phone or have a real bell in the house) and have it ring every half an hour or whatever suits you. When it rings, take a moment to breath. I don’t use this one everyday but when I am super stressed, I turn it on and it helps me breathe and calm down during the day.
– “Take five” – You and your son can do this quick activity together. “Take five” means you look at one of your hands and count the fingers on your hand. Each time you count a finger, you can say out loud “one…inhale and exhale. Two…inhale and exhale” until you have counted all 5 fingers and taken 5 big breaths. You can repeat as long as you want. I find this one very effective especially for kids with anxiety.
Classical music as Inky pointed out is also very good for calming the mood.
I wish you all the best! Take care Libby!
I’m sorry to hear what has happened. When these things happen, they catch us off-guard and we can’t quite do things the same anymore. What we need to do is acknowledge our wound….our pain and suffering…and know that it is ok to accept the pain. It is just like grief…we will go through cycles of unhappiness, loneliness, anger, resentment…and it will take time. Allow yourself time to heal. Allow yourself to be yourself. It takes time to build the trust again.
Also you can ask yourself the question “what is true love?”. True love cannot be just defined by our physical appearance or actions, but rather it is our deep commitment to another person. From your post, it sounds to me that your husband still truly and dearly loves you but he made a mistake in his life. You have known him for 14 years, which is 5,110 days….he made a mistake just once…so the probability of him making a mistake again is 1/5110 or 0.019%…a very very low probability. He hasn’t ran away from his responsibilities as a father and as a husband, so he still truly cares.
I think the best thing you can do is to now focus on your child. Watch how your child grows up everyday…learn new skills…give new expressions. When you dedicate your love unconditionally to your child, you are also give love to your husband. You don’t need to force yourself to say or do anything with your husband…when you nourish and care for your child…it will break through the anger and painful seeds stored within yourself. Take it a day at a time, at your own pace.
Take care and I wish you all the best!
Thanks for sharing with us. It sounds to me that you are facing a lot of issues right now and it is causing you a lot of distress. I think you are not being selfish at all. You are just looking out for what’s best for you.
I’d say focus on taking care of yourself first and then through doing that, you’ll know how to take care of your boyfriend. You being there to listen is already a HUGE undertaking. Misery loves company…so if you were to making things better, start with you first. Take some time for yourself and think about what brings you peace & joy? Once you have a solid grounding of your own self, then you can listen with an open heart. It is hard to comfort someone else when we are not happy ourselves. Try to use “I” instead of “you” e.g. “I feel like something’s not right. Can we talk about it?” or “I feel like things aren’t the same. How can we make it better together?”
Also, I believe a lot of men don’t talk about their emotions openly. Try to just be there and feel their energy out. Sometimes quietness can help solve the problem & they’ll figure it out themselves after the fact.
Wow, quite a stir here Jack! Lately, I’ve found myself addicted to TinyBuddha…so I’ve been trying not to go online everyday hahaa 😀
In my short 10 years of working the corporate world…from small firms to large public corporations, I think you can be authentic without disclosing everything. There is the concept of “right speech” in zen. I think there is always a right time and right place to say something. You don’t have to tell everyone everything. Some stuff is left to just tell your boss or just your staff, or neither.
I was a workaholic. It is awful that society promotes it. I was hardly at home for dinner, my work spilled into my weekends, my then-boyfriend broke up with me because I was “overly ambitious”. I learned the hard way.
I’d say share to the extent that you are comfortable. People will feel your genuineness if you speak from the heart.