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It’s Jennifer here. I did not share earlier with you, but I myself also went through a stage where I had wanted to commit suicide 3 years ago. I’m grateful I did not, otherwise I wouldn’t be here responding to you. There are options out there. If you leave, what will happen to your brother and dad? They will be only left with guilt, pain, sorrow, immense burden for the rest of their lives.
And btw, I like your writing…I can envision you becoming a writer one day and helping others out of the darkness too.
There is nothing wrong with venting…we all do that. You have the right to do that.
If you don’t feel comfortable seeking a therapist, how about going to a nearby church? I myself am not Christian, but you can always find a pastor or someone you can trust to talk about your situation. Maybe if you tell your mom you are going to church, that maybe easier to tell her than to say you are seeking help.
I found this multicultural non-denominational church in Brooklyn maybe you can pay a visit:
Brooklyn Tabernacle http://www.brooklyntabernacle.org/the-church
You can even just submit a prayer request online. Or see if there’s a church near your college or home. Maybe you can pop by during lunch or right after school.
If you need to talk to someone right now, this again is available 24-hours:
We are here for you Jessica.
A big thank you to WW, Jack, Anita & Moon for responding to my post!
Your advice and support has greatly helped.
I think Moon hit it on the nail when she wrote:
“It is difficult to make a shift and to feel like the people you usually associate with dont understand your state at all and neither do you understand theirs. This lack of connection leads to more loneliness despite having people around”
That is exactly how I feel sometimes. My group of zen practitioners are mainly college students or retirees…so sometimes I feel stuck in the middle….I am trying to balance the enthusiasm that I receive from the college students & the mellowness of the retirees…as Jack mentioned above…there are many people out there that are willing to chat…perhaps I just need to put myself out there more…I personally like to talk to people face-to-face.
I also realized from your responses above that I have attachment to my “old friends”…the ones that have been in my life for 10+ years. I guess who doesn’t right? I have already missed countless gatherings (baby showers, birthdays) because I don’t want to hang out with crowds and waste money away…and I feel guilty for doing so because of breaking friendships. Like Moon mentioned, I prefer the one-on-one meetups & I feel selfish for doing that. Perhaps I should stop judging myself for being an introvert & wanting to only meet people on a one-on-one basis. Thanks WW, for pointing out “Don’t let your friends or social boundaries put you off. Do what you think will make you happy not what makes them happy”.
Thanks Anita for pointing out that I am sitting on the fence. I should be confident in saying “I belong here!” rather than being persuaded back to the old realities, which I know causes more suffering.
I also went to the library today and picked up a book called “Get a Great Job when you don’t have a job” by Marky Stein. I read through a big chunk of the book and I was very inspired. There were real-life examples of big career changes and reading other people’s stories helped me deal with my own thoughts & emotions. I realized that it is ok to be in the “unknown” right now and just exploring.
Thank you for all your responses. I really appreciate it.
Blessings to all,
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I can relate to it…I’m now 33 but back when I was in my twenties…I did the same cycle. I was working near a shopping district. I would reward myself with expensive handbags and clothes. I felt like I worked so hard through school & at my job, so I deserved it. Wearing it gave me status, gave me power and I proudly show it off….I would not look at the bill because I know that eventually, I can somehow cover it…
I didn’t “snap out” until I left my job working near the shopping district. I realized that being in that area was toxic for me. Just as smokers would be inclined to smoke if they were in a bar….I was being lured into “retail therapy” by the displays and sales…almost an addiction.
Perhaps one thing you can do is try to avoid the shopping malls/areas for abit. Think of other things you enjoy. Is there a hobby, sports or something else you like to do? I found doing yoga helps as it keeps me grounded. When the mind & body are better connected, things start to become abit more clear.
Another thing is to try and hang out with people who are like you. ie. graduates or others in the faculty. I am currently unmarried with no kids at 33, and most of my friends are married with kids…but then I ask…where does happiness come from?
It does not come from having kids & settling down. It does not come from buying things (well just a temporary high hehe). It comes from doing what we love deep down inside.
I wish you the best of luck Zita! It’s a crazy world we live in….being aware is already amazing!
JenniferOctober 22, 2015 at 9:30 am in reply to: I made a video about a technique to help with difficult emotions #85862
I really enjoyed your video! I totally got your message. I myself have also been “mental noting” a lot especially when I feel like I’m judging or jealous of someone. It has helped me catch myself & respond more appropriately. The one I am also still stumbling with is anger because it just has so much energy…but I’ll continue to work on it!
I love the “Dharma” ad haha….I got a very good laugh out of it! I like the simple props you added…definitely looking forward to seeing more of your productions!
With a bow,
Thanks for responding. I’ve skimmed through and found a few that are near Brooklyn Crown Heights. You can call and tell them about your situation & see if you can get free consultation:
1. Beverley Mack Harry
738 Crown Street, Brooklyn N.Y. 11213
They specialize in working with youth and families with Caribbean heritage.
2. If your zip code is 11207 and 11208, Beacon Hill Family Place offers free counselling
350 Linwood St Brooklyn, NY 11208
They provide family counselling and youth support groups
3. Brooklyn Center for Families in Crisis
1309-1311 Foster Avenue Brooklyn, NY 11230
They provide intake assessments to determine what your needs are. This one offers fee on sliding scale and perhaps you can ask if they have free consultation for students.
4. You can also contact your college counsellor again to see if they can help you find a free social worker/therapist for you. Almost all therapists work Monday through Thursday.
Are you part of any spiritual community or church groups? Often these groups have resources to provide free counselling.
If you ever can’t sleep at night and need to talk to someone…you can call the 24-hour hotline:
It is completely confidential and open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
Let us know if you need more help! I went through therapy myself a few years ago…it was the best decision I made for myself & my parents.
First I want to say how brave you are in sharing this with us. Just know that you are not alone on this journey. All the participants here want to breathe and walk with you.
I searched online and hope that you can use some of the resources below. Hopefully, you can connect with a professional soon and resolve this very difficult situation.
1. Children’s Aid Society has some Community Based Health Centres that you maybe able to connect for mental health & teen health services. Here’s the link to the address & phone numbers: http://www.childrensaidsociety.org/health-counseling/health-services-locations
2. Some outpatient mental health clinics for ages 6 and up that is dedicated to provide affordable care:
3. For some individual child/adolescent psychotherapists in New York, here is a listing. You may want to call first and see what their rates are because it can cost a lot of money to see them: https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_results.php?city=New+York&spec=5
Do you have any close friends in college that you can perhaps room with? If the situation worsens, that could be a temporary solution while you sort out the issues.
Don’t be afraid to ask the professionals your high-level questions before meeting them and also ask about confidentiality (e.g will your case be reported to authorities, how to handle your brother’s situation).
We’d like to hear from you again to see how things work out. Please take good care of yourself. We are here in spirit for you.
It sounds like you are burning out and have not had a chance to express yourself.
May I suggest you take a break for yourself. Take a day or two off without your partner. Go somewhere you love to alone (spa, shopping, afternoon tea…or simply just do nothing or read a book). It will help clear out the air and help you see what is really going on without influence of others (I myself went on a zen retreat for 3 days without my partner and it was the most refreshing moment for the past few months).
Once you have a chance to take a break….then you can decide whether or not to leave him.
All the best. I support you whatever your decision maybe.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Since you have been with your partner for 10 years, I was wondering if you have brought up the subject of having children with him? Once you open up your ideas with him, perhaps something can be worked out slowly. Is your partner willing to have children? Can you find out from friends who have children how much it truly costs (diapers, food, everything) every month to get by? Once you have children, can he take on a side job?
It can hurt when others make fun of our significant other (my partner is a musician with unsteady income….so I attract a lot of comments too). We have to re-assess then what is the purpose of a relationship? How much do I love my partner? You mentioned that you are like soulmates….is it really worth giving up a soulmate over money? In marriage vows, we say “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health”. Whether we are married or not, once we are in a steady relationship…we can ask ourselves…can we live up to this?
Your mom’s comments may cause guilt…usually moms just what their daughters to live a happy life. Perhaps you can tell her what sweet things your partner has done for you that money cannot buy, e.g. he has made a wonderful meal for me tonight or he makes me laugh all the time. If your partner is very nice, treats you well, makes you laugh…practically soulmates…that is one in a million chance to encounter this person! How lucky you are! Other people’s feelings are other people’s thoughts & they are temporary. Assess truly how you feel.
Take good care!
First I want to offer a lotus for you for your bravery in sharing.
I am also currently suffering from having a “disconnect” with my partner. I realize that even though he is present with me, many times I feel “off”. I also attribute this to my past with my parents. It could also be something passed down from our grandparents & ancestors, because they were more focused on survival rather than how to deal with our emotions. We are lucky in this generation that we are able to sit & recognize it. Recognition is already a big step!
How do we deal with it? We need to cultivate more “self-love”. Because we feel that our partner is a trigger, we need to first love and nurture ourselves. We need to take care of our inner child and find joy within ourselves. We can find beauty in nature, in talking to nurturing friends, in walking or just enjoying the food we are consuming…then we begin to feel the love from the world around us and know that our existence is precious. Once we have a strong “self-love”, then we can begin to explore our relationship with our partner. We try and let go of any expectation of our partner and just try to “be”. A calm moment together in silence can already be very nourishing.
I wish you the best of luck Leanne! Reading your post has helped me as well as I was feeling alone on the path.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Jennifer.