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Should I leave him?

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  • #85525
    Glenda
    Participant

    I hate to bother you guys for help but I really do need your advice.
    My partner of 10 years is a real nice guy, we get along well. We are almost like soulmates but there is one thing that bothers me. He works as a funeral director’s assistant and has most of the time we’ve been together. It really shames me to have a partner in such an industry. I remember the first time I told my mother, she laughed and she still asks me now and then,”Is he still doing that job at the funeral director’s?” He doesn’t get much salary either so we hardly ever go away on holidays. My mother will say to me sometimes “you know you can do better than him, Glenda”, and I sometimes think to myself” maybe I can”. But I immediately feel guilty after having such a thought.
    I work full-time in retail, which doesn’t bring much money either. I’d love to be able to quit my job and have children but his wage wouldn’t be enough to support us. My friends are intrigued when I tell them what his job his but they often make jokes too like ” oh Glenda , I’m dying to meet him”. it really bugs me.
    Any advice would be appreciated.

    #85529
    Jennifer
    Participant

    Dear Glenda,

    Thanks for sharing your story.

    Since you have been with your partner for 10 years, I was wondering if you have brought up the subject of having children with him? Once you open up your ideas with him, perhaps something can be worked out slowly. Is your partner willing to have children? Can you find out from friends who have children how much it truly costs (diapers, food, everything) every month to get by? Once you have children, can he take on a side job?

    It can hurt when others make fun of our significant other (my partner is a musician with unsteady income….so I attract a lot of comments too). We have to re-assess then what is the purpose of a relationship? How much do I love my partner? You mentioned that you are like soulmates….is it really worth giving up a soulmate over money? In marriage vows, we say “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health”. Whether we are married or not, once we are in a steady relationship…we can ask ourselves…can we live up to this?

    Your mom’s comments may cause guilt…usually moms just what their daughters to live a happy life. Perhaps you can tell her what sweet things your partner has done for you that money cannot buy, e.g. he has made a wonderful meal for me tonight or he makes me laugh all the time. If your partner is very nice, treats you well, makes you laugh…practically soulmates…that is one in a million chance to encounter this person! How lucky you are! Other people’s feelings are other people’s thoughts & they are temporary. Assess truly how you feel.

    Take good care!
    Jennifer

    #85531
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Glenda,

    I confess I haven’t been very kind to my sister who is seeing a poorer man. Maybe we do this because it’s like a trial by fire. When couples are 100% about each other, no one would DARE make a comment!

    But I will also say that I will make a comment AFTER she has expressed some dissatisfaction towards him.

    I’m all, “If you stay with him, then you really have no right to complain. Staying with him means that you’ve essentially given up your right to complain. If you don’t like it, leave.”

    Example: She’ll say, “Don’t you see me with someone in the city/rich/runs a foundation/the president of a museum etc.”

    Me: “So dump “Paul”.”

    Her: “I would NEVER dump “Paul”!!!”

    Me: “So this is a fantasy.”

    My grandmother would say, “If you want to marry a rich man only meet rich men.”

    NOT that you are a gold digger, not at all!! But either stay with him and not complain, have a child anyway and make it work, move to a part of the country that’s cheaper, break up with him, switch careers, etc….. It’s up to you.

    #85536
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    … I have to admit there is something here I’m not understanding .

    You’re in love with a good man as far as I can read. It’s just his job and money that bothers you….

    Um…so whose acceptance are you worrying about? Whose approval do you need?

    Am I not getting it? I know a lot of rich couples who can aford anything but have lifeless relationships .

    I’m reading there’s something unfulfilled in you and I’m reading projection but I can’t claim t know what. Maybe you van help.

    As for kids . If two loving people have kids they will make money happen whatever it takes .

    #85563
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear glenda:

    Your mother is a problem here, raining on your parade so to speak. She should have kept her thoughts to herself. Our mothers are very powerful people in our lives simply because we met them at such an early age and followed them around like ducks do. So what they say stick, unfortunately in your case as in so many others’. Her opinion of your boyfriend’s occupation became your own but you can un-stick your opinion from hers.

    Regarding others’ jokes about his profession- it is others’ discomfort with death, so they joke. In reality, since death is reality, there is nothing strange or wrong about your boyfriend’s occupation- none at all. Your mother and your friends don’t want to face the fact they will be the dead clients of a person like your boyfriend, so will all of us be.

    Whatever other negative influence your mother has on you- or will have- pay attention to making your own mind and live your own life. And if you have children- I do hope you don’t let your mother determine how you raise your children. I am not impressed by her input in your life expressed in this thread.

    Finances- a different topic, for you and him to work out…

    But whatever you do, please do not shame him for his occupation; do not join the others in doing so. Be proud of your man for working and depending on his functioning at his position- he may be helping people and that is admirable.

    anita

    #85569
    jock
    Participant

    Glenda
    As Anita says, you need to be less influenced by your mother and stand by your own decisions. It would be worse if your partner was unemployed.

    #85570
    Glenda
    Participant

    Thanks so much for your replies people. It really has given me food for thought.
    This may seem kinda petty but there are minor grievances that have ,well, built up over the years.
    These include:
    -him not putting the toothpaste cap back on
    -eating like a ravenous animal, never slowly
    -when he makes our bed, he never does hospital corners
    -he only vacuums the house once a fortnight
    -he often forgets to put the toilet seat back down
    -he doesn’t wash his hands before putting clothes on the line
    -he doesn’t clean out the birdcage very often
    -he sometimes burps after drinking a can of coke
    -he used to call me “honey” but never does anymore

    Re my mother
    I think she prides herself on doing quite well by marrying a schoolteacher(my father). Therefore had expectations and hopes that I would marry someone of similar or higher status.
    Don’t get me wrong, I’m not so status conscious as her, but well, part of me fantasises about living a more luxurious life. Oh god, that sounds so shallow, I know.
    thanks again everyone

    #85571
    TriangleSun
    Participant

    What others think should not bother you. However, you mentioned kids and that you’d want to be a stay-at-home mom and raise kids but that won’t work on his salary. Have you talked to him about this at all? Have your had the kids talk? He may love his job and there is no need to shame him for it, but support him instead. However, things have to be realistic. Talk to him about starting a family and where that puts him as the main bread-winner. He’ll have to make some sort of adjustments not because you want him to, but because it’s the right thing to do.

    -him not putting the toothpaste cap back on
    -eating like a ravenous animal, never slowly
    -when he makes our bed, he never does hospital corners
    -he only vacuums the house once a fortnight
    -he often forgets to put the toilet seat back down
    -he doesn’t wash his hands before putting clothes on the line
    -he doesn’t clean out the birdcage very often
    -he sometimes burps after drinking a can of coke
    -he used to call me “honey” but never does anymore

    I personally think it’s humorous but serious and a bit shallow at the same time. I think at the end of the day your mother is getting to you and all these little things become bigger the more you listen to what she says about him. I can tell you right now that no man in 10-years time is going to look perfect and the things that you’ve listed seem very silly from where i’m sitting and I actually consider myself a man with good manners. You need to reevaluate what is important to you. I also think you guys need to communicate. I feel like there isn’t much of that happening.

    #85572
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear glenda:

    Quite a list. Eating like a ravenous animal, huh? Not slowly… burps too. Hmmm… I like this guy, I eat like that too. And sometimes I burp. I don’t practice hospital corners, I hardly ever vacuum (once a month at the most), I don’t care about toilet seats (although I heard about this issue a lot), i do not have a birdcage and I don’t know about the toothpaste.

    Regarding your question about leaving him after ten years of living with him, well, you can, it is your right. You can leave him for any reason whatsoever or for no reason at all. Be nice about it, and fair in the way you do it. I mean if you need a reason, any of your reasons will do.

    anita

    #85577
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    With that list I’m beginning to think you’re joking about some of it but Anita is right
    If you want to leave him leave him. I daresay after ten years you’re not the same woman he fell in love with either. What list would he make about you?

    And if you love him. Stop being a fanny and get on with loving him. You’re allowed to without your mother’s approval. … bet she doesn’t do hospital corners either.

    #85588
    Jennifer
    Participant

    Dear Glenda

    It sounds like you are burning out and have not had a chance to express yourself.

    May I suggest you take a break for yourself. Take a day or two off without your partner. Go somewhere you love to alone (spa, shopping, afternoon tea…or simply just do nothing or read a book). It will help clear out the air and help you see what is really going on without influence of others (I myself went on a zen retreat for 3 days without my partner and it was the most refreshing moment for the past few months).

    Once you have a chance to take a break….then you can decide whether or not to leave him.

    All the best. I support you whatever your decision maybe.

    Take care
    Jennifer

    #85589
    pink24
    Participant

    Hi Glenda,

    On the issue of status and your mother, some may say marrying a schoolteacher isn’t exactly high society. My point in saying that is status is relative.

    What brought on this questioning of your relationship? Is it that you’re ready to have children but you’re not sure if you want to with this man? If so, that’s totally valid. If you don’t feel safe with him, that he’s a good provider, than yea, perhaps it’s time to move on. But if he’s responsible and hardworking, chances are a better paying job is in his future, should he need one. Necessity is Mother Nature’s greatest invention. Hey, who knows, he could even become a schoolteacher.

    Good luck:)
    Pink

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by pink24.
    #85599
    Glenda
    Participant

    I can’t thank each and everyone of you for your ongoing support, through this difficult time. I’ve decided!
    Despite all his faults, I’m going to stay ! He needs me and I just have to overlook the negatives. That’s all!
    Life wasn’t meant to be perfect. I know that now.
    Thanks again.

    #85601
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear glenda:

    You are welcome. Write anytime (for example, if you will, about how important it is for you to be needed and how difficult it is for you to ask for what you need from him and from others)

    anita

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