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Posting this very intimate detail of my life was a big risk for me.
Again and again I read posts of men and women alike who were/are in a lot of pain and confusion blaming someone else for their unhappiness.
This realization, this shift is new, it is fragile. it is from my heart to all of the broken hearts I read about in Tiny Buddha.
The realization that I was unconsciously asking someone else to fill my cup was gained through a bit of suffering on my part.
The response I got has all of the right words, but very little heart.
This experience made me realize that I should not risk such delicate and new parts of myself in a pubic forum and am signing off of Tiny Buddha.
Thank you for sharing this. In this very short video the Divine essence is affirmed, the ego released back into the sea of thought from which it came.
We are moving into a time from mere glimpses of our essential oneness, to a conscious awakening where we will live from that awareness. As we live in the present moment, we do so with open hearts, our actions and behaviors a reflection of a soul infused being of light.
Ah, I wish I had a magic wand to make this easy, but it is in the shop.
Just be yourself. If it is indeed a match and there is a future with this man, then being authentic with him will set the tone for the relationship. If he runs, then is that someone that you want to be with anyway? Be honest with how you are feeling. Stay true to yourself and give yourself the time you need to heal and face your fear. If he is the right person then he will be there with you.
Be gentle with yourself now. The relationship, by your account, has ended. In many ways a death has occured in your life. Death of a dream with this man, loss of the intimacy that you shared, loss of the friendship.
Allow yourself time to grieve. Embracing the loss is a valuable teacher. Allowing time to heal and rediscover the me ourside of the us.
That you are hesitant to jump into a new relationship shows that you are healthy and not trying to cover up the sadness with the buzz of a new love. So give yourself some credit and take care of yourself.
Those tender tendrils of love that connect us with others need time to heal and reorganize before you can again approach a new relationship wholeheartedly.
Is it possible to share this with your new oppportunity? People come and go in our lives. If you can share the difficulties that you are facing in yourself, and he understands, maybe this could be a good starting place for something new.
Thanks for your vulnerability and willingness to share here.
Just thinking about you and sending some encouraging thoughts and energy your way.
JerryJuly 1, 2013 at 5:39 pm in reply to: When You Lose Yourself in the Midst of Doing What You Love #37736
Wow. You are a very busy individual.
Consider the difference between Being and Doing.
The ego loves doings, fulfilling roles. The errant thought here is that if I DO enough, I will BE enough. But it is an empty promise.
At the core of us, in the stillness, is an awareness of our Divine nature. This awareness is the questioner that is asking, ‘What is wrong here?’ It is this awareness, this Divine essence that you are awakening to.
Being happens in the present moment. Being here now collapses time to this moment. Being aware does not necessarily change the external, but allows a connection to the core of who you are internally.
Being is an experience of self, not a thought. This awareness allows awakened doings. Instead of filling roles, the doings are an expression of the awareness at the core, the essential Divine nature.
This is hard to express. I use the breath. If I am fully aware of this breath I am taking then I find myself in this moment. No past breaths or future breaths. I can only experience this breath I am taking. I become aware of my body, the feelings in my hands feet and torso. I allow my breath to fill me from the inside out so I feel like I am glowing from the inside out. Experience the stillness. Surrender to the stillness. Be in the moment.
I hope this makes sense.
Your inquiry is very inspiring and I hope in some small way this helps.
JerryJuly 1, 2013 at 7:19 am in reply to: The end, or the beginning? Starting from square 1.. #37681
There is a lot in your post. Making the changes you desire for yourself and for your daughter will take some time. Facing additive behaviors, not just substance use, but the addiction to anger, to meanness, to victim hood, is hard without a loving support system. Making the commitment is great, living it out may require you to reach out to a larger support system.
My brother just got his 30 year chip in AA. He has applied the 12 steps to many aspects of his life and has shared the steps and his experiences with me. Have you considered finding this sort of support system? Going somewhere where you can allow yourself to be accountable to a sponsor? This is not a sign of failure or weakness, but of finding strength.
Perhaps making a commitment to a program will give you the place to explore those tricky personal issues, without burdening a relationship. Maybe if you can make such a commitment, you can go ask for another chance. But be careful that you are making the choice to get help for you, not as a lever to get him back.
You and your daughter (ain’t they great!) will be in my prayers tonight.
Hang in there Kelly. Its gonna take a while to get through it. Keep breathing it in, inviting in One Spirit, breathing it out surrendering it to the Divinity. You will get there. There is love on the other side. You can do this. Jerry
Lara, Matt, Jade,
Thank you for sharing this. I validate Matt’s approach. Breaking up was her idea and I had pushed all of my chips in, kind of like you did Lara. Even thought that the fwb might work, But no. It hurt a lot. Breathing through it, conscious suffering, staying with the hurt, going through it with awareness changed me.
I see her now, still want to be with her, still feel the warmth in my chest for her, but know that it will never be. This way of dealing with the hurt is new for me. Breathing through it was how I surrendered the hurt and the healing is the Divinity at work in my life.
So yeah it is possible. Instead of walls my heart is open and I know that another wiill come along at some point. I like being a hopeless romantic and the hurt from a broken heart is real, but it is worth the risk. So you are not alone. And facing the pain as you say is the way to start loving yourself and welcoming love without reservation. Well said.
So thanks for your willingness to lay this out here, your willingness to be vulnerable. Peace to you.
Kelly, You can do it. J
This is very beautiful. Turning the suffering over to God is a way for us to awaken and find peace. Good for you.
I am sorry that you are going through this. There is a lot in your post.
Sometimes we think that we need others to make us happy. That the other person will fill that need, that void, and then we can know love.
Love is based on mutual trust, respect, honesty and open communication. I think you are on the right track here.
Opening our hearts is always risky, because we risk being hurt. I know you are hurting right now and am just supporting you as you go through it. I honor your ability to put this out on the blog.
Know that whatever happens, this period of intense feeling will pass and you will be okay. We humans are very resiliant beings.
In light and love,
I am here. That is the best help I can give you at this moment. Only you know the best thing to do.
Deciding to give the letter is a way for you to create closure for yourself and for him. The hurt confuses things. I get that.
Doesn’t seem like you are a mess. Seems like you are doing an okay job of taking care of yourself in a state of turmoil. So just close your eyes and I will hold your hand for a bit to support you whatever you do.
I am thankful for this site, so we can just reach out over space and time. A wonderful use of our technology.
I read your post and cried for you today. Surrendering to the Higher Power is always a good thing to do. Helping the little people is very important too. They are excellent teachers.
And yes you are making sense. And no it is not easy to go through the pain, but it is necessary. Look for the still point as you consciously breathe through it. It is there. It is your Divinity that is always present.
There is much in your post.
There is much love between you, and that is always a good place to start.
There can be patterns of caring behaviors that build that place of love between you. But your heart is breaking, and the hurt is telling you something too. Opening up to this man again was a big risk, and it is hard to know what to do now.
You deserve to be loved and cherished, but the hurt you feel is very real. Stay in your truth and let you heart guide you (even if it hurts.)
I will offer prayers for your and your friend today. Jerry