Hi Simone,

Maybe I might be misinterpreting your post, but it said that thing started off as both of you “starting out as friends”, and he quickly became the center of your universe, and things got very “intense”..however, you did not describe any kind of commited relationship with him. It sounded more like you were very infatuated with him, and that you “made him the center of your universe” which comes across as co-depency, because we can only love ourselves and our ourselves and love ourselves first. Putting someone “as your life” and “world” smothers that person.

Men like women who are their own person, happy, so not need a man to complete them or “make them happy” they don’t like intensity or neediness/clingyness. They want a woman who has outside interests, such as hobbies, male and female friends, goals, dreams, passions, maybe volunteer work, church, a book club, etc. They don’t want to be your “everything”.

It sounded like things went a little too quickly and intensely for him, which may have been the reason why he started seeing the other woman. You talked about “should you forgive him” but did you have a commited relationship in the first place?

Hi Ana Iris,

I was just thinking about you, and hope you are feeling better about things. Please feel free to post anytime..x

Hi Flossy,

I’m glad to see you had some great replies. Please do not think I was trying to be “blunt” or “mean” in any way. I would not be on here trying to help if I was like that. I care very much. I will share something, that I really have not shared on here. I had a cousin that sexually abused me. It caused me alot of problems in my adulthood with intimacy. I had vaginismus. I won’t go into detail about it, but if you “Google it” you can see what it is.

I was so embarrassed by it. It took me months to be brave enough to even Try to have a sexual and intimate relationship with a man, then I met my first love. I swept my “condition” under the rug, because I have him everything. He came home to romantic candlelit baths and a glass of his very wine or sherry from a long day at work. I made chocolate covered strawberries. When he walked in the door, I would put “surprises” like rose petals and little love notes, where I was hiding in “wait” for him to “seduce” him. I would wear fancy Victoria’s secret lingerie and sexy cologne and body lotion. It would excite him and thrilled him to pieces, yet, I could not be intimate no matter how hard I tried. He would yell at me, say he would find a “real woman” and slam the door.

I would sit and cry from guilt and shame and keep asking myself when was I going to see a sex therapist? I kept telling him I would, and I even did once, but I should have kept going but it was too expensive. I figured my romantic cuddles, massages, lingeries, baths, and love were enough to get us through. It wasn’t. In two years, he left me. I can’t believe he even held out that long. He even said he would go with me and help pay, but I was so ashamed. I finally got the help, but it was too late to save our relationship. I just wanted to share that with you, and really hope things get better. x

• This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Eliana.

Hi Flossy,

Would not having sexual intimacy..would you be happy with that, if that continues, even though you say he is attentive in other areas. Did he say why it stopped after you moved in? Would you be happy, truly happy living this way with a man? What are your thoughts?

Hi Rich,

I guess what helped me was to let go of judgements and expectations, and be appreciative for all that you are. You are whole just being you. You don’t need someone to complete you. Another thing that helped me is try to see the other person as you. It helps shifts your perspective of people. Try incorporating this thought into your life and notice how much more compassionate, patient and understanding you are with your loved ones and complete strangers. There really are no perfect solutions, or answers, but this is what helped me and alot of Post Traumatic Stress Psychotherapy. Keep us posted with your thoughts..

Hi Rich,

We are all worthy of being loved. Depression is only a part of who you are, not your identity. So, yes, just because you have a mental health diagnosis, makes you worthy of being loved. I for one, don’t think I could love a perfect human being or someone who did not have vulnerabilities like I do. Keep us posted.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Eliana.

Hi His Shadow,

You can’t “fix” him, or anyone. The only thing you can fix and work on is you, your attitudes and your behaviors. The only person he can change is not you, but himself, but only if he is willing and you willing to do the work needed. Keep us posted.

Hi Cali Chica,

I know it is hard, but try to turn the anger into sympathy and empathy for her instead. This is most likely an unresolved learned behavior that she learned how to relate from her parents, and her parents learned it from their parents and so on. It’s a vicious cycle, and without quality Psychotherapy, it will continue to go on, it’s called “passive aggressive behavior”. These people do not mean to be hurtful, but they do make cutting remarks, not even knowing they are doing this.

For example, once, I put some weight on. I was single, and was on a shopping trip buying some clothes for a date. My 1/2 sister, said “don’t worry, lots of men, like plump women”. Before, I graduated college, she had aa Masters and A law degree. I had a High school degree getting ready to fill out applications for college. We used to watch jeapordy on TV, I got an answer right, that she did not, and the three contestants did not. She said “you are pretty intelligent for someone with a small education level”. Ouch! But instead of reacting and showing her she hurt my feelings, I felt sorry for her instead.

She also used her “passive aggressive” behavior other ways, such as “I’m not mad!” when she was. Acting sullen, giving the silent treatment, or if I did react to something upsetting she said she would say “why are you getting so upset” or “calm down” or “you are too sensitive” “emotional” “dramatic” etc. These are all signs of passive aggressive behavior, and it is a sign of a very insecure and fearful person on the inside who uses controlling, manipulating tactics in the form of cutting, underhanding remarks, to make themselves feel better, but not necessarily to hurt the other person because it is a deeply ingrained learned behavior. Another tactic, she would use is “Eliana, can you help me carry some dishes from the basement upstairs”. I would say “sure, I’m on the phone, I will help you as soon as I am done” well..that wasn’t good enough, she wanted it done her way and *now*, so her response was “fine, I will do it myself, after everything I have done for you, I will just break my bad back carrying these dishes all by myself” so, of course, I was “made to feel guilty” and got off the phone to help her. Hoewever, I soon tired of this and stopped reacting, and when she used this “help me now, feel sorry for me” I would say, I will help you when I am off the phone. I stopped reacting to her, felt sorry for her, empathized and no longer allowed it to affect me. Anyway, I hope this helps a bit. Keep us posted and congratulations on the upcoming wedding.