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Eliana

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 748 total)
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  • in reply to: how to forget her when trying to sleep? #203989
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Abubin,

    I know it is alot easier said than done trying to let go of the anger, as I have been there many times. I just am concerned about what the stress of holding on to it might do to your health. There has to be some way to be able to cope with these intense emotions. For me, it has been mood regulation medication, DBT (mindfulness) therapy and my 12 step support program. Called “Emotions Anonymous”. I live in a small town, no face to face meetings, so I do phone groups twice a week. These have been a Godsend to me, in managing my emotions, almost better than therapy. The people are so kind, warm and loving, and make you feel welcomed, like you belong and accepted. It will in time feel like a 2nd home to you. Some people choose a sponsor to work the 12 steps, some don’t. I did have a sponsor until step 4, but with health problems, could not keep up with her homework assigments. Still the phone groups, have been amazing. They have a website of you want to look to see if they have face to face meetings in your area, if not, phone groups. It’s emotions Anonymous dot org. There is some literature, though it is not a requirement. My sponsor was like a mentor and “life coach” I really miss her and our talks. You can also find times of phone meetings on there. They have meetings during the days and evenings and weekends. Some have 12 people with a moderator, some 25 people who call in all over the world.

    Another helpful resource is a pastor..or a support group of some kind. I hope this helps a little.

    in reply to: how to forget her when trying to sleep? #203939
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Abubin,

    I don’t feel it is wrong in any way to feel intense emotion and in a way it can be healthy. However, my Dad, who was a very wise man said that it is when we let anger (resentment, guilt, envy, shame) keep a hold of us for a length of time it eats away at our insides. It makes us cynical, bitter people. Who wants to go around in life holding onto anger when there is so much beauty in this world that we are losing out on, when we are holding onto feelings that are no longer serving a purpose? You have been holding onto this anger for quite a long time, and it has got a grip on you, it has to have a place to go, or it will eat away at you. Don’t you want to see what is right around the corner? When we are holding onto anger and other feelings that No longer benefit us, we fail to see what might be right in front of us. Sometimes we just have to tell anger “okay anger, I have had enough of you!! I have been holding onto you too long. Write a letter, don’t mail it..just get it out once and for all, or it will poison you, and make you very cynical. I know people who like my Dad said have harbored anger and grudges so long, they are no longer the people they used to be. No one wants to be around an angry person all the time. Yes, anger is good, but up to a point, but when you let it fester, and fester, it will slowly eat away at you. It’s not healthy. You have been unhappy and angry too long. That is why I feel that you would benefit from help and guidance from a counseled trained in this. It’s time to let go of something that has gotten a hold of us for way too long, so I will have to respectfully disagree with the poster above. I hope everything works out for you, and you can find that special someone, but unless the anger goes, you will not find beauty, only bitterness. No one should live like this. Take care of yourself and your health..

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Eliana.
    in reply to: Feeling worthless, desparately lonely #203935
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi xxx,

    I’m sorry for my delay in reading your post. Have been hospitalized as of late. It’s been a tough two years. I wanted to check on you to see how you are doing? Your post had me concerned. I hope you will write again if you are up to it. I hope you are feeling somewhat better?

    in reply to: how to forget her when trying to sleep? #203835
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Abubin,

    I do remember this post now, and remember reading at that time with interest. I did not respond, as it would have been a late response to that thread, and you had received a lot of great advice. However, I am a bit confused, as that thread left or concluded with you thought that you knew that things with Debbie were not going to work out and you seemed fine, almost relieved of that..so now into this thread, you are experiencing a great deal of pain, anger and unable to sleep and just trying to figure things out. I thought you were okay with things being “over” with her.

    In your last post, you are very angry saying she has placed you on “low priority” but in reading your prior posts from February this is how she has always treated you. I do believe she (like you mentioned) has some type of mental health issue that has not been resolved, making it impossible to give you, what she is unable. Please don’t be angry. She is in need of Psychotherapy, medication, etc..and not getting what she needs to have any type of close relationship with anyone at this time. Please don’t be angry with her. It will serve no purpose or healing on your part, and keep you stuck in this cycle of “she is good” “she is bad” thinking. It may be time to perhaps seek quality Therapy for these deep intense emotions you are experiencing.

    in reply to: I'm so heartbroken I want to die #203783
    Eliana
    Participant

    Did not submit properly..

    in reply to: I'm so heartbroken I want to die #203781
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Katie,

    I wish I knew the answers, but we know for a fact, that things with him are not going to get better. The thing to do, is to tell yourself, to no longer be in “victim mode” this will help you heal, and move forward to the loving, and safe, healthy relationship you need. How? By changing your vocabulary. No longer ask “why does he??” there could be a million answers as to why he does what he does, but you can’t make yourself dwell on the “why’s”. It won’t get you anywhere, but resentment, unable to let things go with him, frustration, unable to move forward, stagnant, etc. Another, is not to worry so much about “getting hurt even more” another victim role which will keep you angry and stagnant. He has all along been hurting you. It’s time to leave and be at peace once and for all. Another..living in the past..such as “my family knows or knew we wanted to get married..so why..??” again.more victimization and stagnation in your part, because this is no more. Again, all the “why’s” won’t make him change. He won’t stop his behavior. I know deep down you know this. No need for answers, he won’t change, it’s over..in the past. You have to move on and find the love you so deserve.

    I have been to Costa Rica. It’s beautiful. My Dad sent me there for my High School graduation present. He was building low cost housing there. I also got to take a helicopter and train ride (although it derailed), to Panama Canal and Guatemala. Stunning places. Go on the trip, but no expectations of “getting back together” or the trip will be ruined for you. Give him a taste of his own medicine. I remember many nice looking Latinos there, they are friendly. Flirt, and say “dammmn” to your hearts content. Go talk to some men right in front of him. Lots of sexy dances there..have one..a tango with a cute latino! Why not? If he can do it, why can’t you? Have the time of your life. When you get back, casually thank him for the great trip and have no more contact with this man, the longer you prolong it, the harder it will be. Keep us posted. x

    in reply to: I'm so heartbroken I want to die #203601
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Katie,

    This man is very controlling. He uses tactics like “if you loved me..you would” then apologizes. Then he compares you cruelly to his ex. This is a way to control you. A very toxic and unhealthy person. He sounds as if he may either had some bullying done in his early years by parents, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, or have been bullied in school, all which was unresolved and carried over into his adulthood. He is looking for a victim, not a healthy relationship with a wonderful woman. This is definitely not someone you want. I know you are in pain and hurting now, but imagine a few months, years down the road if you stayed with him..the abuse cycle would continue unless he gets into intensive psychotherapy.

    You can’t fix or change him, only he can, and only if he wants to change. None of this has anything to do, with “his ex, being better than you” but his own low self-esteem and jealousy/insecurity issues. Please don’t go back to him, you would only be miserable. You would be constantly walking on eggshells waiting on his next “temper tantrum” if it’s not about his ex “being better” or you being at a friends, he will surely think of something else to degrade you about. Surely, you don’t want this for yourself? You hold your head up high, be strong, and find the loving, healthy, stable man you deserve and don’t settle for a man like this. x

    in reply to: how to forget her when trying to sleep? #203591
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Abubin,

    I’m trying to figure out the context of this relationship. Was this an online relationship? How long were you with her? Did you see her on a daily basis? If so, I am wondering why you broke up with her via text message instead of in person. I am wondering, if the reason you are thinking about her so much Is things left unsaid, no closure..and breaking up with someone over texting..instead of in person..

    in reply to: Cannot figure out how to communicate #203589
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Lizzy,

    Can you share a little bit about what happened to make you suddenly become unhappy with your boyfriend right after quitting smoking and drinking? Do you think that the drinking sort of made you feel “good” in the relationship? And quitting both suddenly at the same time, you may be going through withdrawal..perhaps feeling anxious, agitated, etc? Have you tried anything to get you through the quitting process? How long were you smoking? Drinking? Were you having any conflicts with your boyfriend when you were drinking and smoking?

    You mentioned something about him starting something. Do you mean he is drinking and smoking you are unhappy with? Please post with any thoughts or comments..x

    in reply to: Am I Really that bad a person #202769
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Vicki,

    I would not put too much pressure on yourself in the thoughts, feelings or emotions of people you meet in a bar or pub. Remember that when you first said you wanted to go, your husband even said “these are “pub people, not really friends” and he is right. People are not usually there to really make “new friends”..they are not the most stable of people. Many might have drinking problems, or go out after work as a means of escape from an unhappy home life, dealing with kids, an unhappy marriage, co-worker problems, etc. Many are in AA. Many may have had a few drinks too many, like that man, that said those awful things to you. He may have said that, but it had nothing to do with you. He is in his “clique”at the pub, maybe he is jealous, as you are married, he is single, or he may be having problems with work, drinking problems where he verbally assaults people, it has nothing to do with you. I tried to look up the word “pathetic” in the dictionary, no such thing, theerefore no such definition, just a negative thought we attach to ourselves which is wrong, so is “loser” and all the other lies we tell ourselves.

    You are not pathetic, just because one miserable bar person verbally abused you. You have a nice husband, and stated you have/had nice friends in the past. I would just look for healthier places other then a bar to meet nice, stable people, such as hobbies, volunteer work. Don’t believe the lies you tell yourself. If your best friend said she was a loser or “pathetic” what would you tell her? Be gentle on yourself. x

     

    in reply to: Scared to start dating #202759
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Rose,

    I think you are thinking about it so much, expecting fear, thereby “psyching” yourself out. Maybe instead of thinking “I am going out a a date” try to think, “I am going out to meet a new friend” that will take the pressure off. I think if we haven’t dated in a while, it’s easy to fall in a trap of negative thinking, and letting self-defeating thoughts take over. We re-play old tapes in our mind. For example “will he like me” “ask me on a 2nd date?”. ” Do I look okay?” “What should I wear”..and so on. Instead, look at it as meeting a new friend, and ask yourself instead of you will like them, if they are compatible with you, and so on..kind of “turning things around”. Keep posting with any thoughts..

    in reply to: Overthinking #202757
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Tom,

    It looks like you have received alot of great advice. Maybe I am old school, but I don’t believe in “texting” in dating as a way to get to know someone or even in the early stages of dating. It’s too impersonal. Once, this man insisted on “texting” or “e-mails” as a form of communication, and I texted back and said “anyway we could get past being “pen-pals” well, men don’t like to be thought of as “pen pals so he started to call me on the phone from that moment on.

    The reason I don’t believe in texting, is too much distance. You don’t get to know the person, the sound of their voice, laugh, what they like to do, foods they like, work they enjoy, hobbies, kids, etc..can’t make them laugh by joking around, the “human touch is gone, not a very good way to get to know someone”. That is when I always use the excuse “lost my cell phone when a man I meet insists on texting as a form of communication”. I give him my phone number. Saying for home, I prefer to talk on the phone. There is also an excellent app called “Marco Polo walkie Talkie” that just came out” where you can leave video messages for each other, or talk to each other live, it’s very easy to use..still it’s way less impersonal then a phone call. For some reason texting as a way to get to know someone seems kind of “teenagish” too me. Just use the phone, better yet, meet up somewhere casual for coffee. I usually reserve “texting” after I get to know someone where may be I can send a romantic text letting them know I am thinking of them, or missing them, or if I am running late etc. Just some thoughts.

     

    in reply to: Touch decision on breakup #202595
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Blessedinthe603,

    You may be missing the idea of her, or you may be lonely, as you stated she was your best friend, and you are missing that aspect. As far as a romantic relationship, I don’t see things changing. You can’t fix her, only she can do this. You can get back with her over and over again out of missing her, but it would only prolong things, because it would not make her change, and you would end up where you started, frustrated and resentful.

    Maybe after some time passes, you can have a friendship with her, but I don’t think she is ready to be in a committed long term relationship without quality therapy as there are definitely some issues she needs to resolve. If she is not happy with herself or her life, she will make blame others and make them miserable and this needs to be explored in therapy, mood disorder.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Eliana.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Eliana.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Eliana.
    in reply to: Engulfed in sadness, anger, disappointment, hopelessness #202483
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi A. Pranshath,

    Where to start..your post made me so sad. I’m 56 and happily single. Have been in relationships, engaged, “laid” (ugh)…I was engaged when I was 19..way too young. Didn’t last. Getting “laid” yep..unfortunately..friends did this..always “regret” afterwards. The thought “I had too many drinks last night at the bar, or college fraternity/sorority party..don’t remember a thing! “Was I date raped? Did I pass out? Will I get an STD? How can I face him at a party, work, bar again, just sleeping with him?? “I can’t remember if I/they wore protection..oh God! What if I’m pregnant? What will I do..don’t even know the person! What am I trying to say? Getting laid? Is not all is cracked up to be. I have regrets about it, everyone I know, friends, co-workers, have regrets. It’s not all that. No love involved. Being intimate with a perfect stranger. Not all that. Honest.

    You are not too old! My father got married for the 2nd time at the age of 74. I have never seen him so giddy and happy. I have a picture (he passed in 2008)..of him and his wife in the back of a jaguar limousine happily holding up  champagne glasses to get their picture taken while they were off to their honeymoon on the Queen Elizabeth 2. I also have a picture with them dancing together at their wedding laughing looking into each other eyes with love. She was 70..also her 2nd marriage. Never too old to have children. He had his first 2 sons in his late twenties, early thirties. Then he met my Mom, whom he had an affair with, and had me at the age of 44. I was born out of wedlock. He wanted to marry my mother, but would not, until she stopped her heavy drinking..but that is another story. When he had me, he said he was the proudest father in the world.

    They said it is when you stop trying so hard, comparing yourself to others, analyzing, and when you are happy with yourself and being single is when you will attract love. Right now you are making yourself miserable comparing yourself to outdated standards, other people, age, etc. You are still very young, I see many people finding their first true love in their 40’s. People’s first marriage in their 50’s. There is no “perfect” age. When we are looking and trying, and analyzing and comparing, we stop seeing what might be the perfect person right in front of us. So..the trick is to be happily single, not worrying about other people, junior or seniors, there is no race. Love will come when you are least expecting it. It is when we are usually not even thinking of it. Some people find love on dating sites, others in bookstores, others in espresso shops, grocery stores, work, there is no “perfect age” “place” or “time” it just happens when we are at our happiest. One of my friends tried rock climbing for the first time, and let her husband on her lesson, my other friend met her husband just by walking through a dog park and petting this man’s dog. It just happens. You can’t be so hard on yourself. Love yourself, and maybe love others by volunteering maybe at an an animal shelter, etc..love attracts love.

    in reply to: Help coping with my ex falling out of love suddenly #202463
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Strillit,

    I’m sorry to hear this happened and can understand how shocking this can be, especially out of the blue, no “warning signs” no “talks”. A man leaving like this is cowardly. Not even bothering to call or per you an explanation, and making you worry. Maybe, in a way, it is for the best, because if you got back together, if he changed his mind, he may do this again, leaving you confused and heartbroken.

    Do you know if he has any history of mental health issues? Such as bi-polar disorder, depression, anxiety, etc? I once had someone break up with me, And just stop contacting me, I found out he had a history of panic disorder, drug, alcohol, and substance abuse, and depression, also, I was told he was never in a relationship for than one year. All of these things he kept “hidden” from me. I sometimes wonder what other secrets he kept from me. I opened up alot to him about my past after we got to know each other, and I started to trust him, but often wondered why he never shared his “past” with me. Turns out, like me, he had abuse as a child, came from a very dysfunctional home, witnessed suicide from his uncle and several other things. He also had a child which he never told me about.

    So, I guess what I am trying to say, is there could be many reasons he did what he did, but it has nothing to do with you. I guess you can take heart you did not stay with a person like this, and you will find the love you deserve with a stable, healthy and loving, honest man. x

     

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Eliana.
Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 748 total)