Forum Replies Created
June 8, 2017 at 9:47 am in reply to: Getting over infatuation with someone who wasn't real #152380
I can really relate with you on this. I am currently on disability, and have due to being in a bad car accident, have resorted to meeting men online, mostly via Facebook, Google Plus, etc. I have met and developed romantic relationships, bonding and crushes with over 10 men embarrassed to say.
BBe careful with this. Many, if not most are scammers. They will come on strong at first, many times plagiarizing poetry and love letters from the internet from books like “message in a bottle” “The notebook” or other people’s stolen poetry. They say you are the love of their lives, that they have never met anyone like you, that you are the most beautiful, sexy, etc woman they have ever seen. They will woo you with you tube love songs, flowers. Once they know you have “fallen” for them..they will say they want you forever and want to marry you.
Then when they come to visit you to “propose” an unexpected” crisis will happen and they will ask you to wire them money to get them out of the crisis and you will never hear from them again. This is known as the 411 or Nigerian scam or “catphishing” and these men are all over free and sometimes paid online dating sites and social media sites. Don’t fall for it. Usually its money they are after. Just be careful.June 8, 2017 at 9:30 am in reply to: My marriage is almost over – please help #152370
I just joined this site, and am just now getting caught up on reading and replying to posts. It looks like you received some great advice already. I am wondering, has anything progressed? Have things gotten any better with your husband? I have been rooting for you..June 8, 2017 at 9:19 am in reply to: why wasn't it enough #152366
Mark is right. I met my ex-fiance on an online dating site. I also met another man in 1996 on another popular dating site. We talked about marriage but he had to move to a different country for work and things got too complicated. Many people say that online dating services are this or that..or have negative things to say about them, but none of it is true. I know many of my friends have found their spouses through reputable dating sites. Just stay away from the free ones, and just go on the reputable ones. You can do this by googling “The Top 5 Online dating sites” I am not sure If I am allowed to mention them on here. But if you want to e-mail me directly, I will give you the names of some great dating sites.June 8, 2017 at 9:04 am in reply to: I do not want to be with my ex, but I am struggling to move on. Help! #152364
There were times when I was younger, when it seemed, I always had to be in some kind of relationship. It made me feel good about myself. Being in love was the greatest thing in the world, and it always seemed I needed a man in my life for that high you get from being in love. I hated not having a man in my life, I felt empty, bored, restless, lonely, depressed and just a chronic empty feeling. It was like I had to have a man to make me happy with myself and my life.
So, I went from one bad relationship to another, not really getting to know myself first and what I could really offer a man, and what I wanted from them. To me, a bad, unhealthy relationship full of intensity, chaos, drama, turbulence, fighting was all I knew because of a traumatic and severely negecful childhood. I did not know my self-worth it identity. If I did not have a man, I felt I was missing out because all my girlfriends had boyfriends, kids, getting married, etc. Here I was still single in my late 30’s.
June 7, 2017 at 10:30 am in reply to: Dating a heartbroken man who is pulling away #152282
- This is when I decided I needed to discover myself and what I truly wanted from a man and what a healthy relationship was. So, I got into intensive therapy and 12 step programs. I am now in my 50’s, and while I do not have the man of my dreams, I have come to peace with being in limbo. And knowing that it’s okay not to constantly have a man in my life. I am working on being happy with myself, and only then, will a man will be happy with me. So, please don’t give yourself alot of stress and pressure. When the right time comes, it will come. In the meantime, focus on yourself, get involved in social activites, volunteer work, when men see that you are a strong independent happy woman happy with her life, they will gravitate toward you. It works. Most of all, it’s okay to be scared. We all go through this. Give yourself permission. You went through a difficult time and being a single parent is hard, no matter what the circumstances. Just know, it’s okay to be in limbo for awhile and concentrate on your children and yourself as that is what is most important. Good luck.
I’m sorry, I’m late in replying..I am new on here. It looks like you got some great answers. So, I won’t make this long. But I have been in your situation many times, and always so tired of broken heart. I had a wide friend tell me, never invest more time or energy on someone then they do on you. Another wide thing they told me, is not to ask for love, attention or affection, for if it not given freely, it is not worth having. I hope things get better for you.June 7, 2017 at 10:02 am in reply to: why wasn't it enough #152274
June 6, 2017 at 4:41 pm in reply to: Anger & mistrust..final stage or just more of the same #152208
- Keep us posted on how things work out..
I hope you and Anita don’t think I am intruding, but I have been reading your posts and can really relate. I too, can’t seem to get over someone I met back in September. And the sad part is, is that I met him online. I fell so hard for him. We webchatted, he was the first person I talked to in the morning and the last person I talked to at night. Although I did not have physical contact with him, I invested alot of time in him. Then I broke things off, because I was investing more energy on him, then he was with me. I felt he was just using me to get to the states. I don’t think he loved me like he said and kept me hidden on his friends list on his profile page. There was an age difference, I was quite a bit older than him, but he said he liked older woman, anyway, I think the whole thing was a lie and he led me on and I fell for it.
I think about him constantly. I think about the what ifs. Shortly after, I had a bad car accident, and I am now on disability. I live in a small town with few friends and no family. Its difficult for me to meet new people. I spend most of my days at Dr’s offices. Or at occupational and physical therapy. My life has come to a standstill. I used to go dancing, bowling, animal welfare, volunteer with animals, had a beautiful car, lots of friends, a wonderful life. Then I lost my Dad, and I haven’t been the same since his death and my accident. So, with all this time on my hands, I think about this loser guy, from another country who treated me like I didn’t matter to him and he did not share his life with me.June 6, 2017 at 1:10 pm in reply to: Help Re-spark the flame, bc I do love him…. #152182
No matter how awesome a man is, how successful, good looking, compatible, etc, unfortunately, people can drift apart. Relationships are difficult and complicated. You said you were with him a long time, I am wondering, was there ever any discussion of a future with each other..such as marriage, engagement, children, etc? Maybe if there is no discussion, maybe hope was lost of a future together and things just fizzled out.
There might still be hope. Talk to him. Go on a vacation where you have never been before away from routine and try to get the spark back. Have date nights. Light candles. Compliment him. Have a bubble bath with him. Take him on a long romantic drive at night. Look at the stars. Go to a drive-in..or a bed and breakfast. Just something you two have never done before to rekindle things. Let us know how things go.June 6, 2017 at 12:57 pm in reply to: why wasn't it enough #152174
You stated he was the only real boyfriend you ever had..but it sound to me, he wasn’t much of a boyfriend at all. Please don’t second guess yourself, you did nothing wrong, and you have him many chances, to make it right, but he did not respect you enough, and he is not ready to be in a commuter relationship at this time.
I Try to find something to make you feel good about yourself to raise your self esteem. You sound like an awesome person..but you have to believe that. Once you do, you will find healthy men gravitate toward you, because they will see you as a happy independent woman with a wonderful life who doesn’t need a man for happiness, who lives herself and who is happy and secure. Find some hobbies you enjoy, volunteer work, working with animals, join some social clubs and the men will come, the healthy ones, without the drugs and problems and issues. You don’t need that. You deserve better than this guy, remember to never invest any more energy or emotional investment than they spend on you.June 6, 2017 at 12:37 pm in reply to: I don't love him but I want to get him back!! #152170
Thank you for writing and letting us know what has been going on. It sounds like you are handling this in a very mature manner, and I’m proud of you. Now, if only I can do the same in my relationships, they would not be so short lived, chaotic, intense and turbulent. Hopefully, things will get better after my intensive DBT therapy and 12 step programs. I try to have faith.
Please keep us informed of any more progress and updates, but it sounds like you are on the right track toward a healthier relationship, and always remember to make yourself number 1.June 5, 2017 at 6:29 am in reply to: I don't love him but I want to get him back!! #151956
It looks like you got some great answers, but just wanted to add my 2 cents. If you don’t love him, is there any particular reason you want him back? Write down on a piece of paper the pros and cons of what he have you in the relationship and why you are now better off without him. Let’s say, you did get back together with him..it’s very hard to rekindle the flames you had before..then you will wander, why you took him back and be more miserable..and it will take you that much longer to get over him.
We always want what we can’t have. Do you just want him back, because you are lonely when you see him happy with this new girl? Try to have a clean break with him..and please don’t go on his Facebook profile, Twitter, etc, it will only make you more upset..don’t answer his calls..don’t go where he hangs out..change your number if you have to. Get rid of all reminders of him..you don’t have to throw it away, just put it in a box under the bed where you can’t see them.
Try to keep busy, so you are not thinking about him so much. Be happy with yourself and your life, and then the right man will see you as a happy strong independent woman and gravitate toward you. Men don’t like women checking up in them..drama, intensity, jealousy..so work out any issues of you have these so you can have a happy and healthy relationship with a man who is emotionally available and wants to commit to you.June 5, 2017 at 5:10 am in reply to: Unable to move forward from old love #151954
Hi, I am new on here, and can identify. Howver, what is embarrassing, is that most of the men I met were in person. Due to a very traumatic and neglectful childhood from an Alcoholic Mother, who would leave us alone while she went on drinking binges, and a father who had to travel alot, my siblings and I had a very chaotic, unstable, turbulent childhood. The courts took us away, but by then I was six years old, and although I was adopted by a very loving family the damage had been done.
I In my adult life, I find myself unable to sustain any kind of long term relationship. They are chaotic, intense on my part, I am clingy, co-dependent, have an intense fear of abandonment and perceived rejection. I do not know what a healthy relationship looks like. I want one so bad, but chaos is all I know. I am in intensive therapy and two 12 step programs. Even though my relationships barely make it over a year, the loss devastates me, and it takes me years to get over that person. I obsess over “what could have been” and what being in love was like and the brief moments of joy I felt.
Then, I started to get on social media sites and started to enjoy men writing to me and paying me compliments. I then started forming on-line romances with these men, even when they lived outside the United States. I knew I would never meet them..but I enjoyed yet again, the feelings these men have me..and being in love and the emotional attachment. I then met this man back in September on-line. He was quite a bit younger than me..but there was something about him..I don’t know, but I fell hard and envisioned a future with him, as he said he wanted to move to States, but I found out he was just using me to try to get here, and I finally left him. I don’t want him back, we would never meet anyway, but I miss how I felt around him. I get mad at myself, because he used me and I still can’t get him out of my head. It is so difficult. I live in a small town, and it is all married people. I am on a small fixed income right now, and can’t afford a dating site..so I am stuck. It’s very frustrating when you can’t get someone out of your heart and head.June 4, 2017 at 5:06 pm in reply to: Do I have bad luck in love or do I just suck at it? #151906
I have been reading your posts, and although I am quite a bit older than you..I share very similar issues. I have a very difficult time with relationships due to a very neglectful and traumatic childhood.
An Alcoholic mother that would leave us alone, and although my Father loved me, he was physically and emotionally distant. He tried so hard to help my mother, but he had to travel so much for work, he had no idea when he left, the horror our mother put us through. Finally, the courts took the children away from her.
By that time, I was six and was raised by a living family, but the damage had already been done and continues to haunt me in my adult life. I am in therapy, have mental illness and am in two 12 step recovery programs..still I gravitate toward turbulant, chaotic, short lived relationships, and when they end..I obsess and think about that person for months, maybe years. Then I joined social media sites..where men would want to friend me. I enjoyed the flattery and attention..but most of these men lived in different countries..I knew I would never meet them..maybe they were even catphishing me..I just enjoyed the feeling of intensity and being in love. I didn’t care if the relationship was healthyor not, because I am still trying to learn what a healthy relationship is.
All I know is chaos, instability, intensity, from my childhood. I have an intense fear of rejection and perceived abandonment, and if I feel someone is distancing themselves, I will reject them first..out of fear. Its a sad way to live, but I keep working hard on my issues and therapy, and hope to one day have a stable and healthy relationship. Last September, I met yet, another man online. I fell so hard for him. I thought there was a future..or just idealized him. Then bickering started..jealousy on my part when he would friendother women and keep me hidden” on his profile, like he was embarrassed of me..me as I was quite a bit older than him, although I don’t look my age.
He started growing distant toward me, and would go all day without talking to me except love you baby. I don’t think he ever loved me. To this day, I can’t get him out of my head. I know things would not work out, and I don’t want him back..but I feel nostalgic..and sometimes feel angry with him, because I know he was just using me to get to the states. I just miss the feelings I had when I was with him..the feelings of being “in love” I know he was not even probably romantically or physically interested in me. I get mad at myself about how stupid I was to fall for someone who was so awful to me, but that is all I am used to..crumbs. With God’s help, and my recovery..I hope to continue to heal, get over him, and be happy once again.