Forum Replies Created
June 14, 2017 at 7:04 am in reply to: What do you when you dont love your girlfriend anymore #153140
I think it is awesome and shows alot of maturity that you want the best for her. There’s not alot of men out there like that..many just up and leave. It’s sad. I wish you all the best and hope you will keep us posted. Take care of yourself.June 13, 2017 at 3:55 pm in reply to: Still depressed about broken engagement 2.5 years later #153024
Please don’t be too hard for still thinking about your ex-fiance. It takes a long time. Some people it takes 6 months, (how they do that, I don’t know, it’s like they go from rebound relationship to rebound relationship, which can’t be healthy) others it takes a year, others it takes 3 years, me..well it took me almost four years to get over my first love. And another 4 years to get over a man I fell very much in love with back in 1997.
Even though, we no longer long, for that person anymore, it’s the memories that make it so difficult to move on. These are memories of when times were simpler, when you were happy and in love, you had your life and future invested with this man, you even bought a dog together, then suddenly, it all goes away, leaving you in shock. That takes in itself a very long time to get over. You think about all the wonderful life events with this man, saw a future with him, it is natural to go through the grieving process you are going through.
So many people try to fight or suppress these thoughts, but that is the worst thing you can do, it’s like telling your brain not to think about a pink elephant for 15 seconds, our brains are naturally going to think about the pink elephant. Just like you will think about all the wonderful memories shared with this man, the “what could have been” the “what could I have done better” the “if only”. These are only thoughts. If they start to overwhelm you, write it down on a piece of paper before you go to bed, or write it to him (but don’t mail it). You will find that one day, you will wake up not thinking about it anymore. Just be patient, it will come. Just know they are just thoughts, and they will disappear along with the emotion, usually in about 15 seconds.
As far as the man right now, he seems a little confused about relationships, an emotional connection, and it makes you feel a little isolated and lonely in the relationship. That is nnormal, but after a year, I think he should be referring to you as a couple, and you are right, a year is an awfully long time to introduce you to his parents. I would have a talk with him, ask him if he sees a future with you. Maybe he is not ready for a commited relationship at this time or gun shy because of his past. But I would sit down with him and tell him how it makes you feel when he does not include you as part of a couple and see what he says. Let me know your thoughts and keep us posted.June 13, 2017 at 3:16 pm in reply to: Dating, relationships and Mental illness #153020
Hi Mark and Anita,
Mark, you brought up some very interesting points about thinking about that person as my best friend. An excellent idea! Thank you so much for your thoughtful insight. I appreciate your kindness and understanding and will take your words to heart.
Anita, you also brought up some amazing points as well, bless your heart. You two are the best. I actually have not dated since 2005. I took a break from dating just to focus on my therapy and volunteer work. But then, I lost the last of my family, my best and closest friend, My Dad. This was in 2008. Then things went downhill from there. I got sicker with hospitalizations and had to end up filing for disability. I lost my beloved cats that brought me so much joy and company, I had to part with them, and I really have not been the same after losing them and my Dad. I lost my car and my beautiful apartment, and now live in housing for the disabled.
Although, I do have some friends here, it’s not like it was. It can be isolating. I moved from a very large city to a small city, in the downtown area. It is mostly married people here, so even if I wanted to date, I couldn’t. I am quite honestly too scared too date, because it’s been so long. My sponsor told me to wait a year to meet any men after the two 12 step programs..then I got lonely, and noticed a 1/2 sister I wanted to bond with on Facebook along with several old acquaintances. That’s where the trouble began, men saw my profile picture and would start chatting with me. I enjoyed the flattery and compliments, but then, romance iccured..as well as another social media site, I started getting into squabbles, and my sponsor said “no men on internet!” so that put an end to that. I deleted my accounts. I just want so much to be well and live a normal life, but it is very hard. I am at the point where, I have pretty much given up on dating. I will just keep working on my therapy, and hopefully something will make sense one day and make life will illness a little easier. Thank you both so much for being there.June 12, 2017 at 3:56 pm in reply to: He says He is dealing with things and has become emotionally unavailable #152858
Okay..I think I’m starting to get the hang of things. Thanks Lori. I apologize for all my confusion.June 12, 2017 at 3:50 pm in reply to: Dating, relationships and Mental illness #152850
Hi Anita and Mark,
Thank you for taking the time to write me, it really means alot to me. It also makes me feel not so alone, that others know about this illness and can relate. Mark, you had some very interesting and very relevant points, and Anita, I liked what you said too. It all comes down to Marsha Linehan’s concept of DBT that I have been in individual and group therapy for five years, and I don’t know if it’s me, but I am having a hard time with DBT therapy, it is very complex, and I find myself overwhelmed.
So, I tried it again with a new therapist. Right now, I am on Advanced Distress Tolerance skills. I read it over and over and just can’t seem to get it. I don’t understand “radical acceptance” “Mindfulness” I don’t understand why her therapy is so hard. I much prefer CBT therapy. I try guided imagery. But when I get in the heat of the moment with someone, I get on the train, meaning, I become my thoughts, when like you, my therapist tells me to observe my thoughts, like they are white clouds drifting by. Or standing in the bottom of a beautiful blue ocean looking at fish swimming, seeing them as my thoughts. I can do it by myself, but as soon, as I am with another person, I lash out and hurt them verbally or in e-mail. I don’t know why I hurt the people I love. Its a frustrating illness to live with. All I can do, is just keep working at it, and sometimes turn it over to God. Like you said, when I am ready, the right man will come along, but I am 55, and feel I should have beat this illness by now, and I continue to struggle.June 12, 2017 at 8:20 am in reply to: Dating, relationships and Mental illness #152774
I am getting ready to go to a mandatory group, but will try to think more about your question and how I messed these relationships up..mostly I think, it was poor impulse control (the BPD), I would say things, I couldn’t take back, or I would do the passive aggressive, silent treatment, slam doors, verbal abuse, when I was verbally abused, insults when I was insults. It was like I loved being in love, then reality set in..then it all went downhill, and I would get too intense, another issue, I am working on.June 12, 2017 at 8:12 am in reply to: Dating, relationships and Mental illness #152772
Thank you for writing back. Your question gives me alot to think about. Maybe it is because I don’t know anything other than intensity, chaos, turbulence. Maybe, I felt I would be unfulfilled with a healthy relationship with a nice man, because I would be bored, since all I knew was instability.
Also, it didn’t help, that when I lost my car and am on disability started meeting toxic unhealthy men online such as Facebook and Google Plus, or maybe I don’t know what healthy means in spite of therapy. Very confused right now, but all I know is that I did play a part in choosing these wrong men whether in person or online, and my illness and poor coping skills at the time could not handle difficulty. I wish I knew the answer.June 12, 2017 at 5:45 am in reply to: Dating, relationships and Mental illness #152764
Well, I’m not sure what happened to my last few sentences of my post, but I was saying, I’m so tired of messing things up in relationships.June 12, 2017 at 5:42 am in reply to: Dating, relationships and Mental illness #152762
Thank you for sharing your story and experiences with me. I am so happy that you have overcome things, especially getting off medications, and now being in a loving and stable relationship. I think that is pretty amazing. Yes, anything you can share with me would be great. I’m soJune 12, 2017 at 5:30 am in reply to: What do you when you dont love your girlfriend anymore #152758
I like your user name. I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s very difficult emotionally and takes a toll to be on again off again several times. I have been there. I think I went back (embarrassed to say) to me ex’s about 4-5 times. I think like you, they took me bback, but each time, I felt more insecure, because they were more distant, the emotional bond wasn’t there anymore, and I finally realized, not only was I making myself miserable, but I did not want a man miserable with me, or feeling sorry for me so he was always taking me back.
I would just have a mature, honest conversation with her. There is no need to get anyone else involved, because it will humiliate her and make her defensive. If she begs you to stay with her, she has co-dependent issues, that she needs to work on. She has to have a foundation of loving herself first, before she is really ready to be a strong independent woman, who is happy with her life, to really be able to love another man.
Right now, she is reaching and clinging to something that is not there, and maybe she thinks of you as her world and her life, and she would be lost and broken without you. When you meet a woman, you want to make sure she has hobbies, a support system, men and women friends, outside interests, a love for herself such as self esteem and not depending solely on a man to make her happy. Like a house, she needs a foundation, Right now, she has none, it’s like someone leaning on a chair and when it tips over, their whole world comes crashing down because they have no foundation to keep them from falling.
It’s best to make a clean break with this woman. You have said you don’t love her, so why prolong your misery, and she is only going to get more hurt hanging on to hurt and idealizing the relationship. Just tell her firmly, that you feel things that have not been working out for quite some time, and it time to end things permanently, and wish her happiness. That’s it. After that, don’t call her, text her, return her calls. Get rid of any momentous or reminders of her, don’t go on her profile page on social media, don’t talk to her friends, just a clean break, don’t take her back, as you are only prolonging hurt and misery. Good luck.June 11, 2017 at 3:30 pm in reply to: I've felt empty for years #152724
I’m sorry, I’m a little late in responding, I just joined. I feel very much like you do. I would like to talk to you more, if you are willing. I hope you will post again. Let us know how you are doing if you are able.June 11, 2017 at 3:15 pm in reply to: He left me at my lowest point…why? #152720
I’m so glad you are away from this man, he sounds like he has a lot going on, like he gets off on bringing pain to people. I studied alot about Sociopath getting my psych degree, and he is displaying many of those qualites along with narcissist like you described. I am ccertainly no expert, but I’m so glad you made this decision.June 11, 2017 at 10:46 am in reply to: He left me at my lowest point…why? #152710
Did I get your name wrong? Some people are writing Dory, I thought the original poster was Lara. I apologize.June 11, 2017 at 10:40 am in reply to: He left me at my lowest point…why? #152708
I’m sorry, I came to your post late, I just joined a few days ago. I was going to write you a long letter, because I was living with a bnarcissist in 1997, which ended up being the worst break-up I ever had. Here is something he told me one night. “I have everything, you have nothing” and you know what I did? Nothing! Just went to our bedroom, slammed the door and have him the silent treatment, instead of leaving him, I spent that night in a hotel room. 4 awful months later, we had an ahorrendous, break-up. I was so in love, I lived in denial. Stupid me, but I learned from it.
I’m glad to hear you are doing better now, I was worried when I read your posts, and I saw my past in them with him. Keep us posted..and stay strong.June 11, 2017 at 10:27 am in reply to: Dating, relationships and Mental illness #152706
Thanks for your reply. I have several diagnosis I am in treatment for, Panic Disorder, Borderline personality disorder, PTSD, disorder, and major depressive disorder all controlled by medications. And of course, case management and therapy. I guess that I don’t think about it at times, until I start to feel lonely, sad, sabatoge relationships..then think..God, what a mess I am. Although, in reality I know there is no truth to this, as I help people, volunteer, am very much into animal welfare..but there are times, I see people in loving relationships, with many close family and friendships, which I have never been able to have. It just makes me feel that my illness holds me back from someone who has alot to offer but does not know how to offer it. Thanks for any insight. It just gets tough and frustrating sometimes.