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He says He is dealing with things and has become emotionally unavailable

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 20 total)
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  • #152544
    Justhere
    Participant

    Hello! My partner and I live together and have been together for a year.  We started off very quickly and moved in at about 3 months in. Things have been rocky but mostly good times and learning to love each other more.  I am 22 and he is 27. A couple weeks ago I searched his phone and found that he was texting another woman and saying that he wanted her and his living situation is “difficult “. I approached him about it and threatened to move out and basically he cried and begged me not to and that he wasn’t serious with her and he just did it to be manipulative and he was going to tell me. He says I’m the only one he loves etc. I still was gonna leave but then I said you know, I’ll give it a chance. Well.  We recovered from there. My trust has definitely gone down but I can’t bother to stress myself over what he is doing. If I find out again, I’ll leave.

    But here is my current issue. He is very spiritual and is on a journey to find as he states it, the truth.  Now I’m good with that. Couple days ago he told me he is gonna shave his head and face and he did. Since then he has been completely absent in the relationship.  He only plays games on hia phone for hours,  sleeps and goes to work. He is not the same person he was.  I approached him about it and he said I’m a drama queen and self absorbed and wants too much attention.  He said he’s going through a lot and that he can’t deal with me right now. I’m very close to moving out and starting over but I want to know if it’s worth saving. I do love him but it’s a matter of me feeling appreciated and loved too. He wasn’t always like this though.  So please. Any advice. Thank you

    #152566
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Justhere:

    He told you that he is going through a lot and that he can’t deal with you right now. He also behaves in congruence with what he told you: playing games, sleeping and working, not spending time with you. This communication on his part, to you, in words and actions, is meaningful.

    “He wasn’t always like this though”, you wrote. But he is now. The relationship has been rocky though from the beginning, a year ago, hasn’t it?

    Would you like to share more about his spiritual journey, to find the truth: what is it about?

    anita

     

     

    #152574
    Justhere
    Participant

    We had a great relationship…we are really close and understand each other a lot…its just now I’m only seeing the bad things I guess…as I said he’s really spiritual…his journey could only be explained by honestly…i believe he’s a special being. I wanna support him but he won’t let me in…and I don’t know if I should just be absent also or not

    #152576
    Justhere
    Participant

    By him*

    #152580
    Mark
    Participant

    How does he make you feel? How do you think he will make you feel if you stay with him for a few months? You don’t have to stay with someone who makes you uncomfortable or who treats you badly. There are a lot of great guys out there. If you do decide to move on, take the search for someone else as an opportunity to develop into who you want to be.

    I totally understand about having a special connection, though. There are a lot of guys out there who want a girl to think they are special. We can place so much emotions and meaning onto another person. Is it those original powerful feelings that are causing you to want to stay with him, or do you still feel enough for him to want to be with him? Sometimes guys start to take their partners for granted because they think they are special

    You also don’t have to settle on a with him/without him scenario. You can take a break, remain close, help him without living with him. There are a lot of different possibilities out there.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Mark.
    #152586
    Mark
    Participant

    Sorry, I was going to add in an edit, but I just want to add that I totally understand what it is like to go through something that is makes a person detached and emotionally unavailable. Sometimes that happens to really great guys. Just know there is a difference between the circumstances life is placing on a person  and how we react to those circumstances. Just because he is going through a lot doesn’t mean he should be “self-absorbed”.

    #152602
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Justthere,

    I was in a situation similar to yours, and I finally had to walk away. Yet, I couldn’t seem to, because I was so attached to him, I couldn’t bear to part with him..so I asked him to leave me. He never even fought me about it, just saying what do you want Eliana? In a harsh way. When I told him, I wanted him to share his day with me, do romantic things with me, like I did him, send him roses over the internet, cute cards, etc..he never replied back.

    That’s when I knew he never loved me in the first place. All I got from him was e-mails saying muah, love you baby. That’s it. That’s when I knew he had become emotionally available and nothing I could do would change him or his feelings for me. To this day, I still love and think about him. I don’t know why, he treated me rudely. He was awesome at first.

    It is important first to get our emotional needs met. We should never have to chase live, affection or attention or it’s not worth having. If he is not emotionally available now, I doubt time or anything you can do will change him. He is basically at this point giving you crumbs and you deserve better..no matter what his excuses are. Don’t look at his phone anymore, his social media or spy on him, because it will only make you miserable. And more distrusting and wary of him, further complicating things.

    Take a peice of paper and write down all the pros and cons if you would stay in what seems to be a stuck relationship. You should not be investing more time and energy in this than he is and from the sounds of it, he is not even putting in 1%. Let me know your thoughts.

    #152608
    Justhere
    Participant

    You guys are so awesome…I really appreciate this. I think I’m gonna move out and we’ll see if the relationship work out.  It’s hard but it’s just as hard being there….and if I say hey…youre not talking to me…now ..he doesn’t answer at all…and I know I deserve better…it has taken a toll on my self esteem and I refuse to let it destroy me. So I have to do what’s best for me and yeah I’ll still be there for him if he wants me to be

    #152610
    Justhere
    Participant

    Mark…your reply touched my heart…thank you

    #152614
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Justthere,

    Keep posting if you can and let us know how things are going. I am always here if you just need to talk, as well as other awesome supportive people. I think you are doing the right thing. I know it will be extremely hard, I have been there..but you never know what’s just around the corner..maybe a opportunity for a new and healthier relationship..

    #152616
    Justhere
    Participant

    Thanks Eliana…i joined this group cause honestly….i need people to talk to… I am gonna talk to him and let him know where I’m at right now…if he refuses to talk then I definitely have no choice

    #152628
    Justhere
    Participant

    Hey guys….i finally got to speak to speak to him. Basically he didn’t react well, started shouting and saying every time he goes through something I make it about me….

    Im all for supporting. But I also believe that the coping methods you used when you were single can’t be the same you use in a relationship. You can’t shut me out…he was using curse words so loudly….im like…this doesn’t have to be an argument…if you’d be civil and calm and listen maybe then we could reach somewhere…guess I’ll always be the one who left when things got rough…but I’m not leaving the relationship entirely…just the living situation.  I can’t sleep well…its just not fair to me. Im unhappy…. He stays in the living room most of the night. Doesn’t check on me…doesnt even want me around…idk…its just frustrating honestly…

    #152636
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Justhere:

    The title of your thread is “He says he is dealing with things and has become emotionally unavailable”- he is more than emotionally unavailable, he is aggressive as well. Yelling and shouting curse words at you is being (overtly) aggressive. A Home, as I view it, is a place where no aggression is practiced, overt or covert. So, no wonder you are distressed and couldn’t sleep well. I do hope you no longer live with him, sooner than later. I also hope you will not tolerate his expressed aggression. No matter what he is dealing with, there is no justification for his aggressive/ abusive behavior.

    anita

    #152642
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Justthere,

    I agree with Anita. He is beyond any point of having a mature, rational two-way conversation. Instead, he flies off the handle, lashes out, and he is out of control. With someone like this, it is almost impossible to have any sort of conversatuon, friendship, or relationship with them. I fear for your safety. When someone is like this, the slightest perceived provocation will set them off.

    I have been there, the emotional abuse I endued from my live in boyfriend, went to severe verbal abuse, insults, put downs, I tried couples counseling and he even yelled at the counseled accusing us of hanging up on him and becoming extremely irate and defensive. Then when we got home, that’s when he hit me, and I left, he got arrested.

    I don’t want you to go through what I did. I had to go to a shelter. I never thought he was the type of man to hit a woman, but I failed to see the red flags, because I desperately wanted it to work..but at what cost? He does not want to save his relationship with you, does not want to work things out. He just wants to make you feel bad by saying it’s all about you, he is sweeping things under the rug. This is not what you want for your life, I am so happy to hear you are leaving. Please don’t go back to this man, unless he does alot of work on his issues.

    #152648
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * A side note to Eliana: this is a side note because it is my practice to respond on any one thread to the Original Poster (OP) only. (I believe that discussion/exchange between respondents is not a good practice). But because you don’t have your own thread, I am making an exception so to let you know that I personally value your participation here very much: I appreciate you reaching out to members, sharing your life experiences so generously, not sparing time and effort to respond to members with sensibility, wisdom and lots of empathy.

    anita

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