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Hi Peaches,
You are right, you can and will find better. You are an amazing person, and a man would be lucky to have you in his life. Don’t ever settle, and remember to set boundaries. Find out what the man values before getting too involved so you don’t get hurt. Now, I need to follow my own advice. Please keep us posted, or feel free to post again. x
Hi Peaches,
I have always believed in that quote you often see on Social media..”never invest more time in soneone, then what they are willing to spend with you”..
I would sit down with him, and tell him love and care for him very much, but tell him everything you wrote in your post to me. Before saying “I think we should break up” see what he says, if he still comes up with the same excuses, lame responses, 1/2 hearted attempts to bond or connect with you or show any interest in your life. See what his reaction is, chances are he won’t change. You said he is a “mommas boy” sort of a warning flag, because men are used to having their moms asking all the questions, doing the household chores, cleaning after them, helping with the kids, asking about their day, which is why he has her to talk to her about these things and invests with her, and not you. Tell him, you need more than what he is able to give. Don’t settle for any excuses, or saying he “will change” as you have had this discussion over and over, and he is not willing to show interest in your life, you are right, asking about how your day is going or impersonal texting is not enough. He simply does not want to put forth time and energy in a relationship, either because he is emotionally unavailable, or his kids, own life, pursuits, mom, means more to him than a relationship. You need a loving man who will give you the time, dedication, caring, and love you deserve, not mind games or 1/2 hearted attempts. x
Hi Peaches,
Sorry for my delay, for some reason, could not get on here yesterday afternoon. To answer your question. I think the best thing for you right now is to get a peice of paper. In one column, write down..”what am I looking for in a man? Are you looking for casual dating? A committed relationship? Fun? Dating? Sex? What does a healthy relationship look like to you? In another column write down your boundaries, and what you will not tolerate. Before you embark on any relationship, you need to get to know what is is you really want. If you don’t, you will attract emotionally unavailable men and toxic, unsafe Pattern of relationships.
What are your goals? Hobbies? Fears? Dreams? Interests? Write this down. Write down what may be preventing you from sharing this with a man and letting yourself be known by a man and vulnerable. It is when we are vulnerable, we are most loveable, as we show our true selves. Explore your fears. Did they develop in unmet needs in childhood? Is this a reoccurring pattern during all of your relationships? Perhaps this could be explored with a trusted therapist or counselor. x
Hi Masha,
It looks like you have gotten some great advice. However, being someone who too suffers from abandonment issues from a very traumatic and neglectful childhood (which took years of Psychotherapy to overcome), it sounds as if your girlfriend has issues from perhaps a traumatic past. Perhaps a parental authority figure from her childhood left her, and unfortunately, if unresolved, this will follow us into our future relationships in adulthood..creating a cycle of co-dependency, constant fear, anxiety, anger, lashing out when left alone etc.
Unless one enters Psychotherapy to get fears of abandonment resolved, any relationship, will suffer. As the abandonment will manifest from the unmet needs of the parental figure on to you. Your girlfriend getting angry and saying you are “putting her second” is coming from fear she most likely had as neglect or trauma from a dysfunctional past, and this can only be resolved with therapy. She “clings” to you in a desperate fashion as not to be left, and you can’t fix her. There is nothing your mother is doing is wrong. Our parents took care of us when raising us, so it is our turn to take care of them when they become sick. When your girlfriend has constant fear and anxiety, she can’t have goals or dreams unless she enters quality Therapy..to get issues resolved. There is a great book called “I love you, don’t leave me” it is a great book for loved ones with abandonment, co-dependent issues as well as the person who suffer from this. My therapist have me this book to read when I was in therapy, and when I find myself falling into my old patterns, I read the book and workbook that comes with it. There is also a great book called “Co-dependent no more” by Melody Beattie. I hope things get better with your mom.
Hi,
I can understand, given the work and professional circumstances, this could be very difficult and awkward. I am wondering, something casual..for example, if you have any co-workers you go out with after work for drinks or dinner, or just to hang out somewhere? Why not ask them to meet up with you somewhere after work (don’t mention the woman) and if they agree, casually mention to the woman you and some co-workers are going out after work, and would she (and her friends) like to meet you out where you are going? (since you mentioned she hangs out with friends). That way it keeps things “friendly and casual” just people meeting up after work for dinner or drinks and see what happens? Just a thought..keep us posted..
Hi Peaches,
I see a few red flags concerning your post and with this man. First, is this the way he really talks? I don’t think I would want a man who does not have very good grammar. He does not sound very educated. It does sound like he is giving you mixed signals..such as calling you his “boo” and not his “woman” “boo” is a term sounding like something teenagers use, not a grown man.
He does sound like he is controlling the relationship. He will not “do this” or “do that” until you “do this” or “do that” such as meeting his parents or kids. The relationship should be a safe, secure, open without any demands, control or high expectations or any doubt. The fact that you are having doubts after a year, brings up that you don’t feel very secure about him, and I don’t blame you. You also expressed, you are also not very open with him..and that he “does all the talking” another sign of a controlling aspect. Or he shows no interest in your life, your family, your hobbies, friends, and it’s all about his parents, kids, then this is controlling and shows a lack of respect for you on his part. It sounds that there is a part of you that subconsciously has a fear or is intimated by him, and perhaps is holding you back from having a “give and take” form of communication with him, or expressing your needs. Everyone in a relationship wants to be heard, and it sounds like he is not the “listening type, it’s all about him. Many men, that people meet on Social media, unfortunately does not work out. Usually, they are on there talking to other women on Facebook, Instagram, etc. I caught this man, whom I met on Facebook, who claimed to “love me” going behind my back. There is an application, free of charge that checks to see what your partner is up to. What sites he is on, social media, New accounts he has opened up such as online dating sites, etc. It is called Truth Finder dot com. It works! I was shocked to see this guy who “claimed” to love me, had just created a profile on Match, tinder, e-Harmony, etc. I’m not saying this guy will. But it couldn’t hurt, because he does not sound genuine or sincere. Be careful about committing. x
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