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Eliana

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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 748 total)
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  • in reply to: Love or Lust/Focus or Distraction? #202459
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Peaches,

    You are right, you can and will find better. You are an amazing person, and a man would be lucky to have you in his life. Don’t ever settle, and remember to set boundaries. Find out what the man values before getting too involved so you don’t get hurt. Now, I need to follow my own advice. Please keep us posted, or feel free to post again. x

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Eliana.
    in reply to: Love and improper timing. What to do? #202365
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Kathleen,

    It’s not awful at all! It’s wondeful!! Enjoy it! The butterflies, the giddyness, the excitement, the company and shared interests. Just take it one day at a time. Don’t worry about it being all about “love” right now, as that is putting too much pressure on yourself. Just enjoy today. Not many people get to experience these feelings, so you are very fortunate. Humans are social creatures by nature, we all desire love and to be loved. It’s an amazing feeling. You described it as “awful” why? Something so beautiful and natural. I say enjoy it! Enjoy this person! Life is short. Don’t overanalyze about it, the future, just enjoy and relax, and let things take it’s course. Yes, independence is nice..but it’s even nicer to share your life with that special someone..x

    in reply to: Love or Lust/Focus or Distraction? #202335
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Peaches,

    I have always believed in that quote you often see on Social media..”never invest more time in soneone, then what they are willing to spend with you”..

    I would sit down with him, and tell him love and care for him very much, but tell him everything you wrote in your post to me. Before saying “I think we should break up” see what he says, if he still comes up with the same excuses, lame responses, 1/2 hearted attempts to bond or connect with you or show any interest in your life. See what his reaction is, chances are he won’t change. You said he is a “mommas boy” sort of a warning flag, because men are used to having their moms asking all the questions, doing the household chores, cleaning after them, helping with the kids, asking about their day, which is why he has her to talk to her about these things and invests with her, and not you. Tell him, you need more than what he is able to give. Don’t settle for any excuses, or saying he “will change” as you have had this discussion over and over, and he is not willing to show interest in your life, you are right, asking about how your day is going or impersonal texting is not enough. He simply does not want to put forth time and energy in a relationship, either because he is emotionally unavailable, or his kids, own life, pursuits, mom, means more to him than a relationship. You need a loving man who will give you the time, dedication, caring, and love you deserve, not mind games or 1/2 hearted attempts. x

     

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Eliana.
    in reply to: Love or Lust/Focus or Distraction? #202207
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Peaches,

    I have been following this post, and while I don’t know this man..and I understand he works third shift..he’s tired..these are excuses. He has no excuses though…he does not fall asleep happily going on at length about his kids, showing you their pictures, etc. Have you ever seen a hampster on a wheel..just going round and round but going nowhere? Spinning his wheels? I feel that is what is happening here. This man does not want to invest any time or genuine interest in your life, in other words he is bored. He says he “wants to move forward” but is not walking his talk. His wanting to move “forward” seems moving backward to me, he does not sound the least bit interested in having a serious committed relationship, except with his kids, Right now his kids and his jobs take up his life and you will always be on back burner, making you feel containing frustration, resentment. We all have needs in a relationship and your needs are not being met. You can try to make up excuses for his bad and disrespectful treatment toward you, and he can make up excuses, taking the cowards way out, but only he can change. He might be the best father in the world, but it does not make him the best partner in life for you. I feel you deserve better. x

    Eliana
    Participant

    It sounds very positive and you are doing the right things. Men move alot slower than we do..so I know it’s hard, but just do, what you are doing and take it slow. I need to take my own advice. Started a romance with a man I met on a health forum..I got pretty excited. All the therapy I have had, went right out the door..immediately..the high, unrealistic expectations set in..scared him off..said he “felt an instant bond with me” but things were moving to fast even for his standards, then he “thanked me” for showing him how to show emotions, laugh, how to live and be loved, then sent a mixed signal saying “girl, you move too fast”.. So..it’s back for more maintenance therapy in this issue and back to the drawing board. When will I ever learn. Glad things are doing better for you. x

    in reply to: only true love I think I know #201539
    Eliana
    Participant

    Did not submit properly

    in reply to: only true love I think I know #201537
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Jay-me,

    Do you know where he lives or hangs out? What do you have to lose? You have waited long enough. Why not pay him a visit. Maybe he thought from any verbal or non-verbal cues you were playing “hard to get” because you did not give him your number in return. Also when you saw him, did you tell him he has been on your mind alot? Maybe this is the signs he is looking foward, as he is not sure how to proceed because you have been apart for so long. x

    in reply to: Love or Lust/Focus or Distraction? #201433
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Peaches,

    Sorry for my delay, for some reason, could not get on here yesterday afternoon. To answer your question. I think the best thing for you right now is to get a peice of paper. In one column, write down..”what am I looking for in a man? Are you looking for casual dating? A committed relationship? Fun? Dating? Sex? What does a healthy relationship look like to you? In another column write down your boundaries, and what you will not tolerate. Before you embark on any relationship, you need to get to know what is is you really want. If you don’t, you will attract emotionally unavailable men and toxic, unsafe Pattern of relationships.

    What are your goals? Hobbies? Fears? Dreams? Interests? Write this down. Write down what may be preventing you from sharing this with a man and letting yourself be known by a man and vulnerable. It is when we are vulnerable, we are most loveable, as we show our true selves. Explore your fears. Did they develop in unmet needs in childhood? Is this a reoccurring pattern during all of your relationships? Perhaps this could be explored with a trusted therapist or counselor. x

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Eliana.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Eliana.
    in reply to: When you say you love me… #201431
    Eliana
    Participant

    Did not submit properly..

    in reply to: I have changed because of my girlfriend #201301
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Masha,

    It looks like you have gotten some great advice. However, being someone who too suffers from abandonment issues from a very traumatic and neglectful childhood (which took years of Psychotherapy to overcome), it sounds as if your girlfriend has issues from perhaps a traumatic past. Perhaps a parental authority figure from her childhood left her, and unfortunately, if unresolved, this will follow us into our future relationships in adulthood..creating a cycle of co-dependency, constant fear, anxiety, anger, lashing out when left alone etc.

    Unless one enters Psychotherapy to get fears of abandonment resolved, any relationship, will suffer. As the abandonment will manifest from the unmet needs of the parental figure on to you. Your girlfriend getting angry and saying you are “putting her second” is coming from fear she most likely had as neglect or trauma from a dysfunctional past, and this can only be resolved with therapy. She “clings” to you in a desperate fashion as not to be left, and you can’t fix her. There is nothing your mother is doing is wrong. Our parents took care of us when raising us, so it is our turn to take care of them when they become sick. When your girlfriend has constant fear and anxiety, she can’t have goals or dreams unless she enters quality Therapy..to get issues resolved. There is a great book called “I love you, don’t leave me” it is a great book for loved ones with abandonment, co-dependent issues as well as the person who suffer from this. My therapist have me this book to read when I was in therapy, and when I find myself falling into my old patterns, I read the book and workbook that comes with it. There is also a great book called “Co-dependent no more” by Melody Beattie. I hope things get better with your mom.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Eliana.
    in reply to: Love Guidance Required! #201293
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi,

    I can understand, given the work and professional circumstances, this could be very difficult and awkward. I am wondering, something casual..for example, if you have any co-workers you go out with after work for drinks or dinner, or just to hang out somewhere? Why not ask them to meet up with you somewhere after work (don’t mention the woman) and if they agree, casually mention to the woman you and some co-workers are going out after work, and would she (and her friends) like to meet you out where you are going? (since you mentioned she hangs out with friends). That way it keeps things “friendly and casual” just people meeting up after work for dinner or drinks and see what happens? Just a thought..keep us posted..

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Eliana.
    in reply to: Love or Lust/Focus or Distraction? #201277
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Peaches,

    I see a few red flags concerning your post and with this man. First, is this the way he really talks? I don’t think I would want a man who does not have very good grammar. He does not sound very educated. It does sound like he is giving you mixed signals..such as calling you his “boo” and not his “woman” “boo” is a term sounding like something teenagers use, not a grown man.

    He does sound like he is controlling the relationship. He will not “do this” or “do that” until you “do this” or “do that” such as meeting his parents or kids. The relationship should be a safe, secure, open without any demands, control or high expectations or any doubt. The fact that you are having doubts after a year, brings up that you don’t feel very secure about him, and I don’t blame you. You also expressed, you are also not very open with him..and that he “does all the talking” another sign of a controlling aspect. Or he shows no interest in your life, your family, your hobbies, friends, and it’s all about his parents, kids, then this is controlling and shows a lack of respect for you on his part. It sounds that there is a part of you that subconsciously has a fear or is intimated by him, and perhaps is holding you back from having a “give and take” form of communication with him, or expressing your needs. Everyone in a relationship wants to be heard, and it sounds like he is not the “listening type, it’s all about him. Many men, that people meet on Social media, unfortunately does not work out. Usually, they are on there talking to other women on Facebook, Instagram, etc. I caught this man, whom I met on Facebook, who claimed to “love me” going behind my back. There is an application, free of charge that checks to see what your partner is up to. What sites he is on, social media, New accounts he has opened up such as online dating sites, etc. It is called Truth Finder dot com. It works! I was shocked to see this guy who “claimed” to love me, had just created a profile on Match, tinder, e-Harmony, etc. I’m not saying this guy will. But it couldn’t hurt, because he does not sound genuine or sincere. Be careful about committing. x

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Eliana.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Eliana.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Eliana.
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi MeowAnna,

    When he is gone so much, you are losing the emotional bonding and closeness you had with him. When he leaves, because of the childhood trauma you expressed, not being very close to your mother, not alot of warmth, and your father leaving alot is now hindering your current relationship. The feeling of “pushing your boyfriend away when he comes back” is in a way, an unconscious way in what you did of resentment with your father when he left and abandoned you so many times.

    This can be explored further with quality Psychotherapy. It will help you understand how your childhood and lack of closeness with a parental figure will impact any future relationship with a man. Also, when your boyfriend is away, is there any way you can “video chat” or “Skype” each other every day, so you can keep the emotional bond and be able to see him still everyday?

     

    in reply to: Ex bf and current one #201109
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Amrutha,

    Sometimes the best thing to do, is love ourselves and put our needs first. Don’t worry about this person, or that person, what they are thinking, don’t live in fear, and try to not make assumptions about something that may never happen in the future about your parents. It is a shame when the people who are supposed to love us, don’t want to see us happy, so sometimes difficult decisions have to be made. The two are so you go back to your ex that was controlling you were not happy with just to please a couple of people and be miserable? Or be with your current bf who makes you happy and risk making a few people unhappy? Sure, they maybe “against it” right now, but feelings, emotions and thoughts change. These feelings they have our temporary. This is your life to live, not theirs. Don’t live in fear. Follow your heart. Don’t listen to other people who are not out for your best interests. I hope it all works out. x

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi anon11,

    I think, I would go on the vacation by yourself and have a great time. The way, I see it, you would have a better time Going by yourself, than with him, as he has clearly indicated he is not ready to pursue anything further at this time. I think it you go on this vacation with him, you would not enjoy it, as you would be too focused on him, pleasing him, wondering what he is thinking, analysing, focusing only on him, and not all the beautiful sights and scenery this country has to offer. You may develop expectations of seeing this trip of a way of reconciliation, or a way of getting back together, and if this does not happen, or your expectations are not met, you would become resentful or even more hurt and heartbroken then you already are. I think going on this trip with him, would not be a good idea. I do not believe two people who just got out of a relationship (romantic) can just be “friends” it doesn’t work unfortunately. Give him the space he needs. Who knows, maybe you will meet a fantastic guy on this trip and forget all about your ex. ☺x

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 748 total)