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Yeah just be kind to yourself, remember there was two of you in this relationship, please don’t beg or bargain with him, it will just make you feel even worse if he doesn’t reciprocate, right now just focus on yourself, its the attachments that ‘s hurting you the most, all this shall pass eventually.
I am in the same situation, I was with him for 5yrs, its not easy and I don’t look at just the rosy part of the relationship, I don’t blame myself or blame him, its just the lack of communication that got us to were we are now, I was willing to give it my bestest shots, he wasn’t that interested, and I became frustrated, hurt, rejected, sad, u name it I was feeling it.
I guess the relationship didn’t mean that much to him even thou he was telling me everyday how much he loves me, yet he never made any attempt to solve the issues we were having in the relationship, and this is why he is were he is now and im were im at now. Truly if someone wants something so much they will fight for it.
I miss him too, every minute of everyday, but I keep myself busy, knowing he knows I tried my best, but he didn’t give a damn.
don’t worry girl, time is a healer. u will emerge a stronger person. Just go out and do something nice for yourself, I had my hair done yesterday and im hanging out with my friend later.. It makes me feel that little bit better.
.go shopping and buy a nice outfit and wear it, do anything to cheer you up, I know its not easy, but we are the only ones who can help ourselves to come out of this blackhole.
Take care and im here if u want to talk.
I can understand were you are coming from, I was married too and my ex husband cheated on me, he was an alcoholic, I use to fear him so much I would barricade the door with furniture to keep him away at night. We have been divorced for 15yrs and I still carry this scars with me until today, I have dated other guys after my divorce, I also have this fear in me that I want to control the relationship, My last relationship has just ended after 5yrs together, im very hurt, but I guess we blame ourselves sometimes too much when things don’t work out, there must be some reasons for you to feel distrustful of your Boyfriend?
I would blame myself too, but when there is trust issues its not easy to feel free in a relationship. Please don’t be too hard on yourself, you have ask him for forgiveness, and want to make things better, I feel maybe it will be good for you to have some counseling as its not easy to get rid of these feelings on our own, some scars run too deep.
When I was with my ex we use to fight a lot, I felt very insecure, small things will bring on a big arguments and I would say some very harsh words to him too, which later on I would regret, mostly these things happen cause my ex was hiding stuff from me, he was somehow secretive, and this would bring back all those negative feelings from my past.
I feel this is what is happening to u, you feel betrayed when you boyfriend is not open with you, it brings on all sorts of feelings of anger and rejections.
Please try and focus on yourself for a few days and give both of you some space, right now you are hurting cause you want your relationship to be as it was before the argument, give it a few days and have a heart to heart conversation with him, explain yourself and ask him for his help so you can slowly overcome those negative feelings, from what you say he sounds like a kind person, if he truly loves u he will understand and give you the help you need.
Remember God is never angry with us even when we are angry with God, for God loves us no matter how messed up we are, we seek His forgiveness and he forgives us, God never holds grudges and is always merciful, keep praying and God will guide you.
Have a nice day sis
How about giving yourself space and time to think about you? what you truly want from a relationship? Sometimes I think about those stuff you mentioned above too, he was passionate, he use to calm me down when we had problems, but… he didn’t try his best to help solve issues we were having in the reltaionhip, he was just pushing everything under the carpet, Oh sometimes we blame ourselves, giving ourselves a hard time just because things didn’t work out, there must have been a reason for you to get were you actualy are right now? Im sure your ex is behaving like all the faults are with you, just like my ex, its so easy for them to do those things, but deep down you know why things have not worked out,
Relationships are not a one way street, both parties have to work on their problems for the relationship to see success, when an individual values and respect what they have they will fight for it, that’s how humans are but if we feel something is not worth it, we don’t give it our best shots,.
Ive been in relationships in the past that I didn’t feel I needed to do anything to keep it together, because I wasn’t that into it, but when you want something badly you will fight for it, but then again, in relationships, you cant fight alone, because if the other person is not feeling the same, things wont work?? It takes to to be in a relationship and two to make it work,
Since you guys work together, surely if he wanted to save the relationship he would have find time to talk to you, try and sort things out, in life nothing is impossible if you realy want to make a go at it…
if I was you I would just go about my business and give it a break, be nice to him as you would with the rest of your colleagues, don’t show him that you are miserable, just keep yourself busy.
What happen here is, he didn’t respect you and the relationship enough to want to listen to your concerns and to work on those issues with you… you ended up getting very bitter because he was ignoring things that mattered to you, I was feeling the same with my ex, It came to a point that no matter what I said to him he didn’t care, so you end up frustrated and bitter.
Please don’t blame yourself, Just look on the positive side, if its meant to be it will be.
As my mother always tells me, you don’t bargain with someone if they don’t want something.They have to want the product for them to show interest in the bargaining. so true that relationships are the same, one cant make it work if the other is not showing interest.
Have a great weekend Sis and be kind to yourself.
Thanks for the positive reply, I will work on being kinder to myself, right now im filled with lots of mixed emotions, reading the codependency book is showing me a lot of whats happen in my life, surely now that I can grab were my problem is coming from I know I can use all this negative energy I was feeling to emerge of this awful pattern that was giving me all these strange feelings and emotions.
Honestly I couldn’t see anything ggod about life untless im busy doing things to make others happy, and deprived myself of the same joy.
Thank you for teaching me how to be kind to myself, cause everytime I want to do something for myself I keep postponing it cause there was something I hadn’t done for someone else to make them happy, in the end I was forgetting that I truly exist, I have this mentalilty that if im not doing something to please someone than im not a good person.
Sometimes I watch everyone in my household resting and watching tv while im so busy cleaning, cooking or gardening, just to keep the place nice and to make everyone happy, and honestly I rarely get the time to take care of myself, only when its time for bed and I crash out feeling exhausted, while everyone else still has energy to chill.
Thanks for showing me that I need to be kind to myself.
Edlin, For real some guys are douchebags, mind you there are good guys out there who respects women, my sisters are married to guys who make them feel special, Yes I was married, my ex husband a controlling type of man, he was a lot older then me, he made me feel like his little girl, I was walking on egg shells with him, took great courage to end my marriage, I had enough of being abused.
Reading all your post seems we having similar problems and react in same ways, I was running around trying to find info on my boyfriend too, my friends was tired of hearing the negatives of my relationship, I was always complaining to people about him, yet most of them wondered why I stayed for so long…I guess I havea this fear of being alone and keep thinking I should be lucky he is with me, I think its a self esteem problem. I don’t believe when my friends tell me I can do better, I cant even remember how many times weve broken up, my sons had enough and sometimes he tells me bluntly that I need to sort myself out and to stop letting my ex walk all over me,
Its really sad when u think of it now, when we should have ended this thing ages ago, oh well, everything happens for a reason.I hope and pray I learn from it and to be wiser next time.
About your situation regarding talking to this new girl, it wont do you any good to know what they are upto, if I was u I would just cut all ties with them both, delete them from your fone, trust me it will help youto recover from these events, knowing what they are upto is not gonna help u move on, its their business and just leave it, don’t cuss down your ex with that girl, leave it and she will soon find out, u know people rarely change unless they really want to, he will be on his best behavior to her now, wait a little while and that girl will see who shes really with, the good thing is some women don’t wait around for long, they cut them loose as soon as they start messing up.so please just don’t keep in touch with this new girl, she will also think u are jealous of their new relationship, she might be nice to u over the fone but know that she is with him now,
The reason im saying that is, when my bf ex wife had a chat with me about why she broke up with my bf, I thought she was just jealous of our relationship cause hes found me and we were happy, few months down the line I found out she was so right. His true self was coming out.
Just delete their numbers and start looking after yourself and stop worrying what hes upto with that girl, spend time with your mum, go shopping, I bought myself a nice outfit yesterday and im gonna go out this weekend, I haven’t been out in nearly 4yrs…lol..and im going to have my hair done on Saturday.
Before I met my ex, I use to be happy and was enjoying my life so much, all the problems of the relationship has weighed me down and I lost interest in everything, I want to slowly start to look for the person that I was before I met him.
U are very young and u have so much to look forward to, don’t waste anymore of your time on this loser. Everything happens for a reason, im 100% sure u will meet someone soon whos gonna treat u with love and respect u truly deserve. leave those two alone and put all your energy into being the great person that u once was before u met your ex. don’t let him get the benefit of thinking you are so miserable and cant live without him while he is out there enjoying himself. do what u have to do for yourself, don’t worry about him, we cant change the past but we can build on our future, im slowly rebuilding mine, coming on this website has helped me a lot, its helped me to see life in a different way, don’t count the 3yrs with your ex as wasted, just count it as an experience, I feel like this sometimes 2, I was with him for 5yrs, there were more downs then ups in the relationship.
Maybe when u feel like it, sit down and have a heart to heart with your mum, I have a daughter too, we are best friends, im sure your mum can give u loads of advice, spend time with her, If u need to talk, im here and I undersand what u are going thru.
Reading your last mail reminds me so much of how my ex use to treat me, he would say exactly the same things to me, looking back he was making it as if hes the only man on this planet, and stupid of me for staying with him for so long…
Yes u are far too young to be in these kind of relationship, you should be out there enjoying your life, not thinking about that ex. Good luck to this new girl, im sure she will eventually see what kind of guy he is, now everything is new he will be on his best behavior, she will soon find out…
Which reminds me when I met my now Ex…. he was so sweet and kind, after a few weeks of dating I met his ex wife in town, shes someone I know, we talked and she told me why she left my ex after 10yrs of marriage, I didn’t believe her then, but after some months, that lady was soooo right, he started to show his true colours, and everything fell into place, honestly I thought he would change, little did I know I was the one who was gonna change to try and adapt myself to his ways. I just made myself so unhappy and my personality changed too, I became, argumentative, naggin all the time cause of things he wasn’t doing to help me, Just like what u said, I was blaming myself big time, I thought the problem was with me, but families and people who are close to me could see he was the problem…
Its a good thing you have stopped textin , hes not worth it and dont waste your time and calls on him, when things are like this he will do his best to upset u every way he can, guys like that don’t even care, u said he aint no respect for him own mother, that’s crazy, move on girl, plz.
from what u said in your mail, he sounds very childish too, if someones cheat on him he cheats on them back? that’s madness, shows hes very immature. If I were u I would concentrate on my studies, family, friends, please don’t hang around with his family, it will not help u to move on, keep around your own family, its a good thing not to have any contact, u will just be stuck with bad feelings and guys like this will take every opportunity to crush u down..
Thank you for the time you took to read my post, I have this fear in me that stops me doing things, apart from my job and making sure my family and home is looked after,
I do not have much drive to do stuff for myself, I don’t know if im depressed or just unhappy with myself? Some days I will wake up and have lots of joy in me, but as soon as I start dwelling on stuff I just sink in a blackhole.
It is so true that I let people treat me the way they do, I always feel I deserve what is happening to me cause I could be a better person and try harder to be better, I make sure that I always buy food for my ex, always cook his meals so he will appreciate me, cause when we first met he use to tell me im very caring, he use to call me his angel. My problem is I take on everyones problem and I keep repeating myself over and over again when im not happy with something, it goes round and round in my head, I find it hard for me to shift the negatives,
I feel happy that you have pointed to me that there is nothing wrong with me. What I was feeling is that there must be something wrong with me, cause every relationship that ive been in, once we break up the guys just move on and find someone to settle down with???? I feel the problem must be with me??
Even my mum and dad have preferences in my family, ive always been looked at as the one who has to do whatever they say, to fuss over them and I can never say no, whereas my other sibblings can speak their mind and are not made to feel guilty.
One example is my mum and dad calls my sister everyday to see if shes ok, she rarely calls them, I call them all the time and if one day I don’t call them they will not even call to see if somethings happened to me?? why they behave this way?
I have stopped making any efforts and now they say im a bad person, whereas nothing bad is ever spoken on my other siblings..
Those are stuff that I need to get out of my system. As I keep wondering why me all the time..Thanks for listening.
I keep thinking the same that I will not find someone like him, that’s because we are so use to their crap and its become a habit, its just a low self esteem thing and no confidence that’s playing on the mind, im sure u are a very beautiful young lady and once you are over this situation you will meet someone whos gonna treat you with love and respect.
Both my sisters are married to guys who don’t run away or break ups with them when they have a relationship problem, they stay and work things out and have been married for over a decade, I only meet guys who blames me for everything and messes up with my head. Honestly I want to take a break from dating and spend time with myself.
Oh and that other girl your bf is seeing???, I have a feeling he is doing that to make u feel even lowest, he knows its gonna hurt when u find out, please don’t give a damn, its his business, u have your life to live..It sure is a rebound thing.He just needs to prove to everyone that he can pull other chicks and its an ego thing, good luck to them, cause it shows they never really cared about in the first place.
the reason u are not out looking for a replacement says a lot in itself, cause u did give a damn about him… so count yourself lucky girl, cause if u had married this douche, surely it would have been worse than what u are feeling now, for me stuff like that are reason enough for me to never ever turn back, cause if u are with a guy and the minute u break up hes got another chick on their arms says a lot……..I would not walk I would run for my life.
Anytime that me and my ex had broken up I have not seen or heard that hes seeing anyone else, we live like 1mile apart, same area. I wont put my life on it thou, cause some guys are very secretive, but no ones said anything to me tho, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that if he truly cared about me he would be there with me and not at his mums. My bf is not even 20, he is 45yrs old, surely he should be mature enough to sort out his life and not run to mum.
Edlin, you need a guy who wants to work out problems with u, not run away from u, or break up with u, all relationships have problems, but its how u handle the problems, especially men should know better, cause they are the head of the household, so at least show maturity, it explains that some guys want to be in a relationship but they don’t want to handle problems that comes from being in a relationship, they make it too easy for them to just cut it loose and move to the next available candidate, im not saying all guys are like that, I think its an ego thing for some guys, its ike them saying, if u don’t put up with what the way things are I move to the next one, shes ok with it…. until the other one also kicks them out then they gonna keep going back and forth, cause honestly some guys are so big headed that they think women are just an object, use and discard when not in need. A few of my friends have the same problem with their men, Guys that just want to take take take, and the women who just gives gives, its so sad, and sometimes it makes u wonder, why be in a relationship in the first place???
I wont give up hope when the time is right , cause I truly know there are some good man out there looking for a women to have a lovely relationship with.
take care and hope you are better.
thanks for sharing your heartache with me. The reason I was running around trying to find out things about my bf was because he wasn’t honest with me, to be honest with u I wasn’t happy, cause im a very open and honest person and I speak my mind, why would my bf hides all his personam stuff at his mums or at work? there surely must be a reason, and it sucks, causei keep wondering if hes supporting another household? he is saving his money when I spend all mine and im always broke… the money he gives at home is only worth one weeks housekeeping,.
Truly he is a douchebag, cause he never takes me anywhere, I work hard and sometimes want to go out for a meal and stuff, he just doesn’t care, the only time he will take me out and treat me nice is after one of our breakups, he is the perfect guy, would wine and dine me and make me feel special, when hes back in my life , he changes after one week, back to his don’t give a hoot self. Those kinds of relationship are draining and it messes u up, honestly im drained, next week im seeing a phycologist, she does counseling and I need help to move on,
My ex is the kind of guy who would walk out and wait and see if im going to call him, if I don’t he will wait few months and then call me to say he misses me, I always fall for his trap, cause he knows I have a good heart and im forgiving. This time I want to move on and not go back, I feel I need some help in this area of my life. I am the kind of person who is always trying to please people and forget about myself, in the end I end up angry and frustrated with myself, cause I do too much and neglect myself.
I am in a somewhat similar situation, I cant help very much but all I can say is you are very hurt about the way things turn out and you are blaming yourself for what happened, I did that too, I think its the attachment we have to this person that blinds us from seeing the real problems of the relationship, there must have been a reason for the fight and the bitterness?
How would you feel if you tried to explain yourself, and someone keeps ignoring you? of course you will feel rejected and not respected, This is what he was doing to you.. My ex did the same to me, He just ignored me when I try to communicate about stuff that worries me in the relationship, I did get very bitter. And for quite sometime I believed I was the problem, and kept blaming myself.
Just know that you are not the reason for the break up. Don’t push him or run after him if he is not meeting you halfway, he will not respect you for it. He is finding excuses for not talking to you, leave it and look after yourself. Don’t try to bargain with someone who is not interested to listen.
Give yourself the space and break you deserve and do something constructive with this time by starting to care for yourself and put all your energy in loving you as the beautiful person that you are. Im sure when he sees that you don’t need him that much he will stop and think what you are upto, at the moment you are putting all your effort in thinking about the past and looking at only the rosy side of the relationship and thus will make you blame yourself even more.
Please put the dairy and other stuff that reminds you of him away, Go for walks and appreciate nature and do things to cheer you up,
Just know that you are not alone in this, I was feeling really down too, coming on this website has cheered me up immensely and have given me a new way to look at my life and the relationship I was in, for real I was blaming myself and was on the belief that I didn’t give it my best shot that I should have changed, that I should have been a better girlfriend, the list goes on and on, that kept me stuck,, I couldn’t see it for what it truly was, I was too busy trying to blind myself not seeing his faults and the reason for the breakup and make up, The communication had gone and the respect too and I was just holding on to something cause I was just scared to be on my own as for some reason he was my comfort even though he wasn’t showing any real effort to keep the relationship from falling apart and to try and work on our differences.
I have reminders of him everyday cause we use to live together for 5yrs, and did loads of things together, but this doesn’t stop me to think that if he truly appreciated what we had as a couple we would have still be together now. Best not to remind yourself cause it makes u feel down and its at this time that you want to blame yourself.
Please be kind to yourself and all the best.
He didn’t fight for your love cause there is no love for him to fight, it was all one sided, This is the closure itself, Please look after yourself and move on. I am in a similar situation, I do not need closure,. looking back at the relationship the closure was there, just that I was holding on to something that I knew wasn’t to be.. I was the one always running around to rescue the relationship, he stayed put and was waiting for everything to come to him. If he was even remotely interested he would have made and effort .
take care and look after yourself
Thanks so much for the encouragements and support, Its lifted my spirit.
I have got the book about codependency by Pia Mellody, ive started reading it. great read and lots of stuff I wasn’t even aware myself. Thanks so much for the reccomendation
So true that what my ex is saying are about them lot and nothing to do with me, Im 200% sure my ex knows deep down that I would not do those thing, he is a perfectionist and blames everyone for anything that happens in his life. im glad Im rid of him and now I can slowly build my life and look forward to taking care of myself and my family.
Reading your thread its like looking in my own mirror,
Please move on and forget about your ex, You are very young and you have so much to look forward to, do not let this guy use u a and waste your time, Yes u will have regrets on what could have been, but it wasn’t to be, this guy was just playing mind games with u. Go back to your family and look after yourself, don’t worry about who is with, just count your luck that he is out of your life and hes found someone else so he can leave u alone. My ex was the same, we would break up and make up, I was drained, and on the point of breaking down, I use to be a bubbly person , my ex crushed my happiness with mind games and blames, I am now recovering and finding myself again, I was lost in an emmotionaly abusive relationship and kept blaming myself even though I could see he wasn’t even putting a 20% in the relationship., I kept finding excuses for him.
Ending a relationship is never easy, give yourself time and you will be fine, spend time with your family, do something nice for yourself and u will see how quick you gonna get over him.
All the best
Thanks for checking up on me, I am slowly taking hold of my life, its not easy, since yesterday I have gone into blaming mode, keep blaming myself and finding faults that maybe its me and not him, its kind of scary that even though I know he didn’t care enough to make it work, im still blaming myself,
It reminds me of last year we broke up at the same exact time, 1st week of September, we had argued and then he left for work and never contacted me until the new yea,r 4 months later… he called me saying how miserable he was and he wanted to see me, I was miserable too and we kind of got back together, he was so kind and treated me nice, after few weeks he seems like he just switches into a silent mode, like hes not focusing anymore.
I don’t know but I have this feeling my bf is not over his ex wife, I have this gut feeling that he just cant get over her even though he wont accept it, he gets angry everytime he talks about her, if she calls and wants something done he will run and do it, whereas with me, he takes things too much for granted when I ask him for help. His ex wife has remarried and moved on in her life, its been 6yrs since they broke up. Im sure he should be over her by now, but it seems like hes not???
Sometimes I feel this is the reason why he is not free in this relationship with me, he seems to be stuck or blocked, sometimes he will show his feelings but other times he is like a stone. Its tough cause he will not talk about things that bothers him, he will give me the silent treatment and this brings on an argument.
My bf is more confident talking about his issues to his mum or friends, this is somthing I have noticed, 5yrs together and I know very little about him, its like hes always hiding something and it makes me insecure and scared.
On Wednesday im going to see a therapist, I just need some perspective into what is happening and to help me sort out my life as I keep repeating the same kind of relationships.
And how are you dear? hope u are feeling better?
Thanks again for the support, I went ahead and ordered a copy of this movie u suggested on dvd, looking forward to watching it. Your encouragement has really help, knowing other people do care when one is going thru sadness and pain.
Everything keeps playing back and forth in my mind, didn’t have a good night sleep, was just thinking how naïve ive been to put up with this for so long. Im trying not to blame myself, but somehow I slip and making it tough on myself by thinking maybe I didn’t communicate enough and got too angry with him at times, I don’t know, I am a cool person but can get angry at times when he takes me for granted, he would sometimes try to make the peace but I would carry on with the anger,
I think its something I have to sort out with a therapist, im making some enquiries to see a counselor next week.
Its real that all my relationships end the same way and I date the same type of guys, man who at first treat me like a princess but after a few months the same pattern emerge, I see all the red flags quite early on but I stay and hope things will change, in the end I get so messed up and start hating myself and believing that no one will want me and that there must be a problem with me. I am very insecure because of past hurts. I keep going back and forth in the same relationship even tho I know its not good for me and all my family and friends tell me so…I just feel I need to have someone in my life, good or bad, and I seem to attract all the bad guys. all my relationships tend to have so much drama, guys who are not honest, guys who thinks I should be grateful they are with me and they are the best I will ever have and I fall into this trap in believing im never good enough. I feel this way cause the guys ive been with before after the relationship ends they go and meet other people and they settle down… is the problem with me then? My bf use to tell me im too sensitive, I take things too personally, I fight over small things, I get angry over minor issues and I keep going on and on and rewind the past too much… Yes when we argue I get angry cause he will not acknowledge anything I say, he behaves as if im stupid and I get mad at him, I know I must change the way I deal with conflicts as I get angry easily or shut down completely.
I am very ashame to say that when im angry and frustrated with my bf I get into a state were I thrash his things and fall into fits of tears, I don’t know if things get too much for me cause I feel im somehow depressed with all this situation and its not easy for me,
I don’t know if im punishing myself too much to think I was a bad person, and everything that’s happen is my fault, or maybe I always look for relationship with men whos got so much issues???
I always talk to my bf about things that worries me but he don’t seem to care or he just shifts everything on me saying and I get frustrated and this is when the problem starts.
Sorry im just going on and on about all this, typing and reading helps me to understand what is going on in my head. to express how im feeling, maybe get more advice.