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Bernadette

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 51 total)
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  • in reply to: Did I sabotage my relationship? That's what my ex says. #62983
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hello Popi
    So true that when we hang out with people that makes us feel,bad,about ourselves destroys us slowly, I changed a lot since I met my bf, I was calm and happy, I have become bitter and sad and feel very negative. I don’t find much joy cause of the constant worry in my head.
    I guess if he truly cared about this relationship he would make more effort to improve on things. I feel like I’m the only one keeping this relationship together. I dunno why he never discusses our future with me, our plans, goals. All this is very frustrating to me, yet he will say to his friends that he knows I love him very much and that I am a loyal person. I guess that is why he treats me this way.
    Kadija

    in reply to: Did I sabotage my relationship? That's what my ex says. #62980
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hello Chris

    Thanks for your reply to my post, just I wanted to add is, my BF has been secretive throughout this 5 yr relationship, I have tried so much to explain my feelings to him to no avail, we both have our own banks account,he is employed while I run my own business, i share every aspects of my day to day performance of my work with him as I’m a very outgoing and trusting person. I want him to know what is happening in my life, yet with him it’s like he keeps all his bank statements, payslips in his locker at work, his work colleague knows more about his business then I do..I find this very strange as he never ever discusses his earnings with me. He will discuss his plans and visions with his mum or sister but not to me, when I tell him how I feel and that I’m feeling left out about things in his life, he gets defensive and makes it like I’m being controlling,it’s come to a point that his family interferes so much in our relationship as every time we argue he will go stay at his mums or sister.
    he has a big family and everyone has to know we had a fight. Sometimes he would leave me for months and not even call or text to see if I’m ok. Last year he left for 5 months. I’m really sad cause I don’t have families were I am, I moved country to be with him and left all my family and friends abroad.
    I don’t really know if he truly cared about me or what? I’m really confused and keep blaming myself for the arguments.i do miss my bf but I hate the fact that he is not showing a genuine understanding for my feelings and also to work on issues that creates arguments. He will give me the silent treatment as some form of punishment? It makes the situation worse, I can’t stand being ignored.
    Worst is my bf would tell his family that I am problematic, and I create lots of drama. It’s like he plays the victim. It’s sad cause I accept when I’m wrong and apologise so many times to him. His got this mentality that I have to always run after him, call or text him to say sorry. My bf has never ever make the first move after we argue.
    Surely all people argue in relationships, but to leave for months like this I guess it’s not normal? I don’t know if it’s his ego or if he’s with someone else during those times, 5 months is a long time. Yet when we get back together he would say how. Much he has missed me and he will treat me like a queen, he will take me on weekend breaks, buys me gifts, yet when we get back to normal he doesn’t make the effort. He also refuse to discuss the topics that created the break up. And after few weeks, the same issues emerge all over again..
    It’s really hard for me cause I really care about my bf, sometimes I want to call him,but 3 weeks ago I call him he didn’t pick up my call or even sent a reply to my text message. I felt rejected.

    Kadija

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Bernadette.
    in reply to: I am unlovable #62969
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Big hugs to you Maureen..
    I am going thru a similar situation, I feel I am unlovable too, my partner of 5 years broke up with me, I a blaming myself as I feel I don’t deserve to be loved, I’m a very kind and beautiful person, but I have so much fears, I’m scared to fully accept love into my life, I find it hard even to love myself, so honestly I know what you are feeling.I have low self esteem, it’s been 2 months since he left me, I sometimes wonder if I will find love again.. Slowly I am trying to face my fears, the members here are precious, their support is amazing…
    It is great you are into therapy, it will help you understand better what is happening and you will emerge a stronger person..
    Kadija

    in reply to: The third. #62968
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hello Rumi
    The fact that he is willing to give his gf probation after she went with someone else says enough, he is still in love with his girlfriend and is willing to work thru their relationship, I mean if he wanted to leave and be solely with you he would have done so…I would seriously think of walking away from this situation as he could probably be hanging around with you to forget some of the issues going on in his relationship. One year is a long time for someone to be making their mind as to what they want.. If this guy truly cared about you he would have Left his girlfriend by now.

    You deserve a lot better, and finally what he is doing now, dating you and his girlfriend at the same time, don’t you think he will do the same to you in the future if you are in a relationship with him?

    Regards

    Kadija

    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hi Kingmaker
    Sorry to hear you are going thru this situation.. sometimes we get too attached with people who hurts us, I’m sure before you met your girlfriend you were a different person? I guess after being in an abusive relationship we cannot see a way out from this person, I mean the way your girlfriend is treating you is kinda abusive, she is with someone else yet she is leading you on and playing with your feelings, unfortunately some people are like this, they don’t want you but they don’t want you to move on either, it’s a sort of mind games, I guess we put up with it because it’s something to do with our self esteem and low confidence. Do you seriously think you love your girlfriend or is it just an attachment that you have? Sometimes we as human beings want to prove to others that we can make our partners change their behaviour, we will do anything to win our partner, to make them see how much we love them…I have been thru this with my past relationships, only to find out later that my partner has totally moved on and I’m blaming myself for not being good enough, didn’t do enough and so on…
    I have not seen or heard from my ex for over 2’months now, I’m getting stronger everyday, I did try to call him last month, but he didn’t respond so I left it at that, my friends tell me he is with someone else, there is not much I can do as if he really cared about our 5 yrs relationship he would not have moved on so quick.
    These days I’m taking time to look after myself, I go jogging on the beach and up mountain, I go for a swim and spend time in nature, it has helped me a lot as I was kinda falling into a mild depression as it’s not easy to face the future alone, the worst is trying to adjust to doing things on my own as we use to do so much together. Some days I don’t have much drive to do much, but on my good days I makes the most of keeping busy and doing things I enjoy… I know eventually I will wake up and not be thinking about him… I also spend time on this great website, reading the great post and also try to reply to some of the members who needs support.it does help to know that we are not alone in our problems and others need support too…
    I don’t have any friends or family on the tiny island I’m living, I met my boyfriend on this island 5 yrs ago while on holiday, and decided after a while to move there with him.. We did so much, I build a place in the mountains, now I’m living alone there, luckily I have my dogs and a beautiful tropical garden for company..whereas he has his family and friends for support, So it’s kinda hard for me as all my family and friends live abroad.
    I do understand how you feel, just take it easy and try not to contact her, it will do you good as for myself every time if think about contacting my ex to see if he’s ok, I let my thoughts slip on something else, like the way he never wanted to solve issues in our relationhship, like the facts that he was so quick to move on, I try to forget the good times and focus more on how he didn’t care to put more effort despite him saying hen loves me so much,I guess it’s more to do with guilt than love. Cause if someone truly cares they will not leave…
    And finally the last paragraph: sometimes us humans we want what we cannot have, I mean it is true, as I take an example from myself, I have been with guys in the past who would do anything for me, strange thing is I didn’t feel interested, I always look for guys with so much issues and hard work for me to keep the relationship afloat. I just think it’s crazy..I’m sure deep in your heart you know this is over, but guess you are holding on to the last hope that she will change her mind, even if she does change her mind and come back to you, do you think you can ever trust her again after what happen? Those are the question you should answer to yourself. I’m sure you will find some answers and once you get your answers you will slowly be able to forget all about your ex. Best way to move on is no contact. Tust me it does help.whenever you want to contact her, keep your mind busy with something else. Do anything to distract you. U will heal and become stronger just by not contacting her…be strong, you deserve a lot better.
    With regards
    Kadija

    Bernadette
    Participant

    VK
    thanks so much for the reply.it is so true that I was somehow addicted to the idea of being in a relationship with my ex, he never gave much, never showed a genuine interest in what i do, I was literally bending myself to make things work, family and friends was telling me to quit but I wanted to hold on, to prove they are wrong, I am right, I can save this relationship, even his ex wife told me a year into my relationship with him that she had to divorce him as she couldn’t cope with his behaviour, she spent 10yrs trying to fix her marriage and she gave up. When I met him he blamed everything on his ex wife, saying she cheated on him with numerous guys.. Well now my close friend tells me the other day that my ex is already in a new relationship with a woman in his area, just 6 weeks ago he was saying how much he loves me and he wants things to work between us…

    B

    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hello Denise

    Yes you are right, I have to work on myself as a person, I go into relationships because I just hate being on my own, I just have to be with someone or I’m not happy.. I would try to fix unhealthy relationships until I’m blue in the eye, I would blame myself for things going wrong.
    I feel I have some areas of my life I need to sort out, I am a very talented and creative person, but when it comes to relationships I normally date guys who have tons of issues which I’m trying to fix, I’m always the rescuer, until the guy has recovered and moves on and I’m the broken one. Then it’s recovering from the hurt time for me and months down the line the same cycle starts over again. I’ve been like this since my first relationship when I was 16yrs old.

    I think I seriously need some form of therapy as I feel very depressed after years and years of the same kind of situation.
    Bernie

    Bernadette
    Participant

    I agree with Lyla , best to move on cause a man who truly loves u cant even contemplate u being with another man, so he is telling you something, like they say, its always wise to listen to what someone is saying to you, he is not ready , he has his issues to deal with, at the moment he cant even see himself in a relationship with anyone, so at leat he is honest with u and not stringing you along like some people would have done.

    kadija

    in reply to: Should I walk away from my boyfriend? #48671
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Loving girl
    Reading your post I see a lot of similarities from my own situation with my boyfriend, the difference is we have been together 5 yrs, which is a long time, there is so many ups and downs, we use to live together but now we live apart, in a way its for the best, before he never use to take me out, now we plan outings together, he buys me presents, we do a lot more as a couple than when we were living together, the only sad thing is… we rarely discuss about the relationship, and if we do, it always ends in arguments.

    we were both married and divorced, in our 40′, have kids from previous partner. like you I do meet other guys, but cannot bond as I do have feelings for my boyfriend, sometimes I feel a lot of bitterness towards him cause of the arguments we have from time to time, and also the uncertainty of the relationship. at times I switch off my fone so he cannot contact me, other times I block his number, I know its a bit childish, the relationship goes hot and cold, some weeks he will text me and call all the time, some weeks I have to chase him all the time..its draining and at the same time I know its affecting both of us, cause we just cant communicate, So I know how u feel about this situation. I keep taking back everything that I say to him too, he rarely speaks or argues with me, seems like hes ok with the way things are..If I have a concernand tells him, its like he goes cold on me, withdraws and avoids the issue.

    Sorry to say but I think relationships like that rarely works, people keep drifting apart, in my case I do feel this way, just that maybe I have not found the right person to move on and maybe him too…..cause if 2 people really cares, surely they will find reasons to make it work.if one is willing to try and the other isn’t,
    Your bf seems like hes unsure of this relationship, like they say, one foot in the door and one is out the door, in my opinion just back off for a bit and let him miss u, if its meant to be it will be, don’t chase him or call or text, I know its hard, but focus on other things, let him figure out what he wants, surely we cant force anyone to love us. Be patient, when he calls be polite and do not mention anything about the relationship, just keep your cool, he will see a change in you and if he wants to work things out, let him lead. don’t push anything.

    take care
    kadija

    in reply to: Closure vs. moving on? #43564
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hi Catherine

    I feel what you are going thru, I am going thru a similar situation were I want some kind of closure with my ex, but I know its pointless, it will just bring back all those memories to get in touch again, ive been no contact for 5 wks, and ive heard he has a new girlfriend, we were living together as a couple for 5yrs, sometimes I do write my feelings in my journal, it helps to read it back to myself..
    , u know when u give your all to try and make the relationship work but the other person doesn’t reciprocate, it hurts so much, U will get better with everyday that comes, as Matt said, don’t go for further bruising by getting in touch with your ex, its not worth it, Ive done it in a past relationship it didn’t do me any good, actually its like you are taking 200 steps backwards.
    Move on, at some point all this hurt will pass, I have had 3 long term relationships in the past, break ups always hurts, . but at some point you will wake up and not even think about your ex anymore. all things pass eventually. trust me on this one, Im feeling down too, but I know this feeling wont last for ever. Ive been there and I’ve emerged a stronger person and wiser too. Experience is a great teacher.

    take care

    Bernadette

    in reply to: Trust: Past/Present/Future #43422
    Bernadette
    Participant

    An ex is and ex for a reason, I feel if someone is not over their ex, they still keep the contact and not caring about the feelings of the new person in their lives, reason being they are not over their ex, otherwise why would someone compromise a good relationship for the sake of an ex?? , Im friends with guys that ive dated before, but in no way would I allow this to mess up my relationship, keeping contact, causes trust issues in a new relationship, Ive learnt from experience, it makes that new person in your life insecure and it leads to all sorts of trust issues, im not saying we cant be friends with an ex, just that we must keep our boundaries, Ive known people choosing their ex over their new partner, just because their new partner was insecure about them being best friend with their ex..

    Maine kidoko, please don’t feel bad or guilty about these accusations, somehow he contributed as well to what happen in the relationship, if he truly cared about your feelings, im sure he would not have deleted you from his life just like that, any girl would be insecure if their boyfriend was chatting away and spending time with the ex…please stop thinking that you overeact. Your bf is not showing any consideration to your feelings, and no you are not a negative person.

    Bernadette

    in reply to: Feeling down/ need some support #43361
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Alexxandra
    Sorry to hear you are going thru the same things, I was sort of ok until I saw him with this new girl yesterday, I just felt a bit sick, cause just 2 wks ago he was telling me how much he misses me, I knew we couldn’t get back together because of all the problems and stressed he put me thru during the 5yrs I was with him, we could never settle any arguments cause he wouldn’t even acknowledge we have a problem or to even talk about issues in our relationship, , he use to think the problems is with me, im dramatic, im crazy, I fabricate stories, like when he is not honest with me, when he lies, he seems to think I take pride and joy in arguing with him. Hes got so much negative views of me just because I talk to him about things that bothers me in the relationship and I guess deep down he knows he is lying and he would turn the table on me all the time, so in the end I just stay quiet and would barely talk to him.

    Im a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, Im still hurting because I really did care for him and was hoping that I could give this relationship my everything to make it work, towards the end I came to realize that its no fun being with someone who couldn’t see were they are going wrong or to sit and talk about ways to improve our relationship, I was the one doing all the hard work, he was just chillin, when we argue he runs to his mum, don’t hear from him for weeks, this has been the story of the relationship. It was draining cause my ex is 45yrs old, hes been married and divorced.

    B

    in reply to: Really Need some constructive advice and insight please. #43112
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hi Sandy
    Sounds like this guys loves himself too much to have any love for anyone else,, do you see yourself in a long term relationship with him? you’ve said it yourself, damn shallow and silly, yes I have met these kind of guys, they have nothing to offer to a relationship, they love the idea of being in a relationship but guess what? you will have to do all the hard work to keep the relationship together, this is the reason he told you to accept him as he is…. He knows the way he is and he wont have time to change for anyone, he is too busy with himself to care for anyone else, Ive dated someone similar sometime ago, it lasted only 3 months, luckily I saw him for what he truly was and ended it before he broke my heart.
    No you are not looking for perfectionism, you are looking for a normal relationship were two people meet each other halfway, just know there is nothing wrong with you and what you are asking is perfectly normal.

    B

    in reply to: Really Need some constructive advice and insight please. #43104
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hi Sandy
    What this guy is really saying is, I am like this and you have to accept me the way I am…. fair enough we cant change no one, no matter how much we want a relationship with them.
    Now can you accept him the way he is? this is something you have to think about, because if you know that you are not going to be happy with the way things are after dating for over one year… it doesn’t look like its gonna change much, unless he wants to make the changes, does it make sense? and since he has already said he is ok with the way things are, its unlikely he is going to change.

    Its obvious from your post that you are not happy the way he is treating you and you want more from a relationship than he is willing to give, to be honest I guess this relationship is not what you are looking for, and only you can tell if you are willing to wait a bit longer to see if things improve?? which most of the times it doesn’t, cause some guys think, if shes ok with it now, she will be ok with it in the long run, no matter how many discussions you will have if someone is unwilling to change there is nothing we can do. This is why some relationships don’t work out, even after many years, one party is giving their 100% to make it work and the other is just not showing effort, so in the end you end up resentful and angry, that’s when all those arguments start spiraling, if I were u I would cut my losses.. You can go years and years and still things may remain the same. reading your post he is just not willing to make the effort because he is happy the way things are.. So my advice would be.. can you put up with the way things are? does this relationship brings you happiness and joy? keep the way things were when you guys first met to one side for now, just think about what is happening now Sis, remember you are in this relationship too, we cant just accept what the other party is giving us, we have to know what we want too.
    The arguments and tensions are coming from your unhappiness…. if things don’t improve the argument its not gonna change, cause the problem is constantly there, u may forget it for a few days and pretend all is ok, but that problem is still there, you are not happy the way he is treating you… sometimes we have to think carefully what we truly want from a relationship, The reason im saying this is, I have had a few long term relationships and things don’t change just because we want someone to change, we end up unhappy, and we feel down just because we love someone and they don’t treat us the way we want to be treated, it damages our self esteem and confidence. the best advice is, know what you are willing to accept and what you truly want from a relationship, if you know deep down in your heart that this relationship is not making you happy, its better to cut your losses now and move on, its gonna hurt but sometimes its better to move on now than to spend years and years trying to change someone and in the long run we end up breaking up anyway…

    WE are the only one who can make people treat us the way we want to be treated, don’t accept anything less or someone’s gonna have control over our life. He is telling you, this is what I am and you have to accept me the way I am, and you are saying …this is not what I want??

    Hope my advice helps

    Regards

    Bernadette

    in reply to: Separation- Letting him go #42963
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Courageous

    Sorry to hear you are in so much pain from the breakdown of your relationship, hugs to u….. whatever your husband is saying or doing to put you down is out of his guilt, that’s his problem, he knows he is the one in the wrong and he knows hes hurt you badly by cheating on you, and he wants to make you feel guilty for his actions, please don’t listen to his abuse and harsh words.. again that’s his problems…

    I have a friend who is going thru exactly the same thing with her husband, they have been married for 16yrs with 2 young children, they are in their mid 40’s, her husband left her 2wks ago to be with a 22yr old girl, my friend is in so much shock, she didn’t have a clue what was going on, she feels like her world is finish, and her husband is doing exactly the same things by disrespecting her with abusive words,
    I totally understand how you feel cause I can see the way my friend is hurting, but please know this is normal, the pain the sleepless nights, the empty feeling, those are all part of the grieving process, you will feel better eventually, take one step at a time, I am going thru a break up too, it hurts but I still have to look after myself and keeping busy and doing things for myself, things I didn’t do when I was in a relationship, because all my precious time was trying to please my ex and forgetting that I have needs too.
    I find that just reading a good book, doing my hair and nails and buying a nice outfit and wearing it are ways that makes me feel that little bit better about myself, and im taking each day as it comes, I find it helpful to also look at the relationship for what it really was and not how I wanted it to be, I don’t just look at the good times, I look at the times he didn’t really give a damn if we were happy or not…. those are the stuff thats helping me to move on slowly with my life.

    You can do it too, no matter what happens just know you are a beautiful person and deserve to be treated with love and respect, the problem is with your husband and not with you, he is the one who wanted to end the marriage, not you, the grass is not always greener on the other side as some people thinks, if someone truly love and appreciate their relationship they will do everything to fight and make it work, sometimes people just want the easy way out and find something new. Just know it s not your fault, we can love someone but we cant force them to love us back, right now try your best to appreciate you for who you are, take some time off to be with yourself and channel all your energies on taking care of you and loving you.

    Take care

    Bernadette

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 51 total)