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Bernadette

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 51 total)
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  • in reply to: So alone #180279
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hi A J

    from experience as the type of woman who are attracted to bad boys  I can for some woman  it’s the challenge to win and change this type of personality, to prove that to the world that ( I can change him ).

    I have also met nice guys who have a lot to offer in a relationship, somehow i have not been attracted to them, whenever I try to form a relationship it’s with guys who just had a break up, divorce, drinking problems, blaming woman for everything that has gone wrong in their lives.. I listen, give advice, nurse their wounds, be their best friend, all the time proving to them that not all woman are so bad.  But anyhow, eventually they cheat, lie  and abuse the comfort you offer. It is also hard to leave as you keep grasping to hold on to the picture in your head of the dream of a perfect relationship.  I am that type of woman you are describing in your post. You crave a good relationship but always end up with broken partners. I’ve read a lot of books on relationships trying to grasp my personality, could it be we are emotionally un available ?  All my relationships follow the same pattern, like one book describes, same man different names. Is it something from our childhood, past?  No confidence in ourselves?  One of my ex,describe the type of woman he wanted in his life when I met him,  after our break up he dated the opposite as this girl is from my village, as we live on a small island. she’s known as a cheater as she’s married and cheats on her husband and dates different guys at the same time.

    I can understand what you are going thru, I have taken time out from dating and I spend time doing things for myself and my two dogs who have been my best friends for some years now. I have also understand how to live alone as at first i had lots of fear on being alone, going from one relationship to another, I didn’t want to be alone for long, lately I have overcome some of this fear, I have started to spend time in nature which I enjoy a lot. Enjoy cooking meals for one and doing things for one.

    Maybe you should try not to think about having a relationship and spend time enjoying your own company without thinking  that you want someone in your life. Divert all this energy to nurture yourself  and think positively about you as a person and not the negatives that says I am not wanted, have nothing to offer anyone. It is not true, it’s the mental picture we have of ourselves, I’ve lived with this for most of my life, I had no confidence. I’m sure this reflects on others who talk to us..

    I am a beautiful woman, but I have this fear of what people thinks of my image,I criticise my image, I’ve done this for years, lately I’ve tried to stop this abuse to myself. Slowly I’m starting to understand that this is me, even if people reject me I’m still going to be myself. So don’t be too hard on yourself.

    Stay bless

    kadija

    in reply to: Unhappiness and feeling isolated #178731
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    i guess I keep picking the wrong guys who does very little for me, guys who expects a lot from me and rarely show appreciation.   Of course I am a loving and caring person, and with the right type of loving guy I could have a loving relationship.

    t’s just that I keep falling for the same type of man over and over again.  I have stopped dating because I always see myself with man who’s got truckload of problems, it seems I attract them like magnet.

    in reply to: Can't move on/losing myself #124057
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Dear Fazc
    Big hugs to you, I’ve been there too in a similar situation 3 yrs ago with my ex, he had a minor with is ex wife, I also supported him thru a lot of lifes challenges, I was with him for 5 yrs he made a choice to walk out on the relationship in 2014.
    It was very hard for me even thou he was not the perfect guy, we had so much ups and downs and he use to blame me for a lot of our problems. It took me quite Sometime for the hurt and pain to stop. Eventually I accepted we will never get back together and that it was for the best. I have maintained no contact, I have tried to move on, it’s not been easy when you have been so use to someone in your life, trust me you will get there. It hurts a lot, you will get nightmares and your time together will keep playing on your mind. Please accept all this, don’t blot it out, it’s the normal process. I went off my food, cried all day, missed him so much.
    I must admit I still miss him, but not the person he was, I miss the person I was dreaming he would be, the man who would fight for me for our relationship like I did, but he wasn’t, He choose the easy way, he always promised he would never hurt me, he did, but he’s human too.
    My advise is just let your feelings flow, do what makes you feel comfortable, don’t try to blot out your pain,let it flow and it will pass.
    I did meet someone eventually and it didn’t work out, we broke up 3 wks ago, I feel fine as I’ve learnt to take things as it comes. I spending the holidays on my own, taking myself out and enjoying my own company. Trust me it gets worse before you feel better.
    I wish you a happy new year and we are all here to support you..
    Kadija
    X

    in reply to: So naive. #123308
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Dear Anita
    These past days I have had time to think about all my relationships end the same way, to start with all my relationships are great, what starts the arguments are my partners keep taking more and more and I feel like I’m expected to keep giving and this creates bitterness, I am also lied to and this creating trust issues.
    My last ex lied to me about everything going on in his life, and now this guy I was dating was also nice to me to begin with, I knew he enjoys drinking but he promised it will stop which he never did, and he also went to jail for handling drugs, he enjoys blaming people for what he does.
    he spend most of his free time with me and never drinks,as soon as he goes to his home, he drink a lot. Again he failed his promise.
    He even blames me that I don’t cook lunch for him, Like I’m his mum..when we first started dating he would say thanks for things I do for him, but since he got out of jail it’s like I’m expected to just provide, wash his clothes, cook. When he gets his cash he blows it on drinks with his friends.

    I feel so much happier he’s left my home, as each time we have an argument he would say hurtful stuff about my health. My struggles in life, and this make me get angry and insult him too.. Which is not nice.
    Kadija

    in reply to: So naive. #123098
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Anita
    Thanks so much for taking the time to help and advise, everything you say is right. I’ve learnt a good lesson and not be too trusting and to act when someone shows me who they are, the thing is I tend to accept them back after they say sorry and bla bla.
    I’ve cut all ties with this bf, I feel much happier on my own, I’ve blocked his number from my phone as I know when he gets drunk he calls me.

    in reply to: So naive. #123065
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Thanks Anita

    I will seek out therapy, it’s not easy in my part of the world, as people on my island don’t share their problems with others.. I will give myself a break and spend time with my kids.
    I guess my problem is I find it hard to be alone and end up in all the wrong relationships.

    in reply to: So naive. #123050
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Anita
    I think my problem is I’m always looking for the nice person I met and not what the kind of person guy truly is..
    X

    in reply to: So naive. #123049
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Dear Anita
    In all my relationship I always feel like I done something wrong and that I trigger the persons behaviour, as to begin with they are always nice and would do anything for me, and I do everything for them too.
    I am a very open person, likes to talk and always very supportive of my partner. I’m not sure if this is the problem.

    It’s true that somehow I don’t trust my own thinking, my partner would do something that makes me unhappy, I will tell them how I feel yet somehow they will turn the table on me and I would just accept that maybe I did something to trigger the situation. Like my previous ex would lie about his finances and keep a part of his life a secret from me,I would find ways to justify his behaviour even if I know it’s wrong and we should have trust in the relationship.

    Now this bf would find all sorts of things to say about me when he can’t get his way, like so childish, I work hard, have my small business,I spend my cash wisely, he was living with me we had everything, yet he says he doesn’t trust me, I’m a user, and all sorts of stuff to demean me as a person, yet he would also turn round later and say he loves me bla bla…and later when I don’t respond he will text to say he will find a younger and more beautiful woman than me, and that no one will want to be with me…
    It’s come to a point now that I’m happy on my own, I focus on my work, I live with my two beautiful dogs, I spend my. Time on myself, I don’t have the stress of trying to make someone happy who can’t see anything good in me as a woman.I think I’m just drained from these dead end relationship.

    So naive is because I pick the same kind of guys all the time, and it seems to be getting worse as it goes along..

    Kadija
    X

    in reply to: So naive. #123028
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Dear Anita
    The psychologist I saw didn’t ask me much, she just said I need to deal with my issues and that I had two choices. Stop seeing my ex or sort out the relationship. She didn’t ask anything about my past or my struggles, basically she just said I choose how I want to be treated..
    Yes you are right, I keep dating the same kind of man. I’ve realised that only after things go bad in the relationship.
    I feel very hurt and bitter as most of the time even tho I’m with someone I feel so alone.
    I didn’t have much. Of a relationship with my parents, I remember there was a lot of problems at home, my mum was mostly quiet, I remember my mum arguing a lot over my dad’s cheating, mum tried her best to run the house smoothly, she was a housewife and my dad was working, mum earn money as well, she did sewing.
    I got married very young and had kids young, my husband was also abusive and a drinker.i had to run the household and raise the kids. It was a struggle as we would always be breaking up and making up over 14 yrs together. And after my divorce I dated but seems I go for the same type of guys, they do appear very nice when we started dating, just that after things get bad, they say I’m needy, clingy, and so on, I’m not sure if I’m like this. Just that when I talk about things I don’t like in the relationship they get defensive blames me, insult me…
    I’m not sure if I trigger these things..
    I dunno.

    in reply to: Emotional turmoil… #82852
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Anita
    I was married at 16 and my husband was very abusive, we divorce when I was 30. I’ve dated other guys and all of them cheated on me, maybe I try too much to make the relationship work in the end they still walk away..

    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hiya, hope you are feeling better. I would like to say I was involve in this kind of relationship,for 5 yrs, everytime me and my ex bf would have an argument he would shut me out completely, I was the one to always make the first move, to call, text or go,tomhismhome to make the peace, it started a sa few days of shutting me out and it escalate into 3 months of not talking to me by the time we broke up, it’s hell, it’s torture and I guess it’s their kind of punishment for the disagreement. It’s mentally draining and exhausting. Please do not fall for this game, it’s not gonna get better.

    in reply to: Did I sabotage my relationship? That's what my ex says. #63000
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Thanks all for the support, this site is amazing, the members are so so supportive. You guys have shaken me up from my sleep, I can see clearly that I deserve better, I have so much to be grateful for, I’m alive, I’m a beautiful person, I a healthy, I am blessed, I have great people for support, I started a great business from scratch, I live in a beautiful exotic part of the world, the list is endless…. I may not have my families on the same turf, but still I have a lot to be thankful for.. Thank you guys for shaking some sense into me. No I did not sabotage no relationship…I was fooling myself and I thought I was in a relationship.
    Matt you are so right. So so right and honest, defenitely shook some sense into me… Seriously

    Hugs to you all

    Kadija

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Bernadette.
    in reply to: Did I sabotage my relationship? That's what my ex says. #62999
    Bernadette
    Participant

    The Ruminant

    My ex had a way of making me feel guilty, I guess most of us has been thru some of this game, it was about time I woke up and see this sort of relationship for what it is, out of 5 yrs I’ve known him, we must have probably spent just 2 yrs together, the rest was him leaving and staying at his mums or I,don’t know where.
    He has drained me completely, he knows that he has lots of support and a big family, whereas I do not,have anyone for support as I moved country to be with him. Luckily I manage to set up a great business on my own working in a natural environment, he was not very supportive of what I’m doing even though I bring more at home for us to live a comfortable life. He was never appreciative. Would never compliment me on any of my achievements.
    I guess I have learnt my lessons, by the grace I’m still able to pick up myself and sort out my life, I know I will emerge a stronger person cause I have learnt a lot in these 5 yrs, I’ve known loneliness, sadness, pain, guilt, feeling ashame, blame, u name it I have been there. At times I forgot how it feels to have feelings, I felt numb, it’s hard to explain, It will take time for me to heal and to trust again. One thing I’m sure, I will find the person I use to be 5 yrs ago.

    in reply to: Did I sabotage my relationship? That's what my ex says. #62993
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Matt/ Popi

    Thanks so much for the replies, there is a brand new life waiting for me out there, I have to move on, I can’t keep repeating the same mess over and over again..I keep swimming in the same mud year in year out. My problem is I keep blaming myself for being a bad girlfriend and feeling guilty for all the problems..I dunno I have this fear in me, I need to overcome as to why I find myself back in the same mess. I guess I have to work on my self esteem, I feel lost and don’t feel I deserve better. I have lost the person I was before I met my ex. I need to work on bringing myself back to who I was. The happy and shining person I was.
    Kadija

    in reply to: Did I sabotage my relationship? That's what my ex says. #62987
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Popi
    Thank so much, it does make sense reading your reply. It’s draining loving someone when you have to make all the efforts. So true that love is when two people understand each other and want to make efforts for the relationship to work, with him it’s different. I have to do all the work to keep,the relationship going. Yet he will always tell,me how much he loves me and how lucky that I am in his life…surely if it was true ,he would,not,have left me and it’s 2 months now. It’s crazy.
    I have to move on, I’m tired of repeating the same problem with no solution. I don’t think he will ever change. Maybe I’m not the person who will make him change. He was married and his ex wife once when I met her in town we were talking she told me he was the same with her, he never took her feelings into consideration, after 10 yrs she had enough and divorced him…. Now she’s remarry with someone who understand her better.

    Sorry that you have had to go thru what I’m going thru right now. I just wish things were less complicated.
    Kadija

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 51 total)