Hello Gen7171,

Congratulations for feeling enough for each other to want to work through any issues that you have.

It sounds that you are blaming yourself for a lot of this problem.   It takes two.  We all learn to talk at a very early age and have a pretty good command of our native language by the time we are about five.   You had to do a lot of listening to get to the point where you could speak fluently.  You had listening skills once.

Sometimes conflict happens because of the way things are said rather than just the words that are used.  For instance, do you/he blame the other person instead of blaming the behavior?  Are these conversations on an aggressive footing?  Are they confrontational?  All these things are capable of producing emotional outburst, crying and shutting down.

So both of you need to be heard.  Here’s what you do.  Prepare yourself.  Get two chairs.  Get a timer.  Decide who goes first – it doesn’t matter.  Give each other two minutes.  Step 1)  Let your boyfriend speak for two minutes and don’t under any circumstances interrupt him.  Let him say what he wants to say.  Reverse the process – you speak for two minutes without any interruptions from him.  Step 2)  Feed back to your boyfriend what he has said to you.  Get your boyfriend to interpret what you have said to him.  Step 3) Notice how each of you react to Step 2.  Does it change things by being on the receiving end instead of the giving end of the same conversation.  Has something been misinterpreted in your respective minds.  Has it thrown up any clues as to how you can improve the way you talk to each other?

(You might not actually be able to speak for two minutes but that doesn’t matter.  Just take that amount of time regardless.)

You can repeat this exercise as often as you want to.  Your cue will be the next time you have a “shut down” moment or you don’t think you are being heard.  Return to the subject when you are in the right state of mind (next day, next week or whenever) and see what happens.  I know that this takes an awful lot of courage but will pay dividends in the long run.

It might be helpful for you to learn some relaxation techniques.  This will help you in every area of your life as well as improving your relationship, and disciplines such as yoga and tai chi are great ways of achieving a more peaceful and flowing way of being.

I hope it goes well for you.

Peggy

Holly,

One word- WOW!

Every man on the planet has access to every other woman on the planet – honestly, it’s true.  That’s the reason why no man will ever want to commit to you.  It’s because they have access to the other 3 billion or so women and they just keep passing you over.  Those other women are all the ideal weight, the ideal age, the ideal character, the ideal personality with the ideal family background and the ideal life plan.  You just can’t possibly compete can you?  Time for a reality check.

Now – take a good, long hard look in the mirror.  If you can’t find a reason for a man to like you, want you, treat you as significant (whatever that means), how is he going to?

And why would you think that (maybe) you don’t have enough to offer?  You haven’t met this man yet but you presume to know what he ‘might’ want.

Work on your list of what you have to offer (what you have to give).  Even simple things can be a big plus in someone’s life.  Someone to talk to, share a movie with, have a coffee with, share a meal with, show an interest in, have a debate with, walk in the park with, kiss, hug, comfort, nurse, go shopping with, smile at, laugh with etc.

Much as we all want that special, someone in our lives, being single has its advantages.  The best relationship we can ever have is the one we have with ourselves.  The quality of all other relationships spring from this.  Use this ‘single’ time to develop interests and hobbies.  Think of giving some of your spare time over to a charitable cause that is close to your heart – this is really good for the soul.  Become involved in your local community and before you know it the ‘right’ person will magically appear.

Good Luck!

Peggy

Hi Adam,

I’m so sorry that your relationship has been in such turmoil and has now been broken off.  Being a psychologist has not and cannot guard you against meeting someone on a personal level whose issues might impact on your own life in this way.  I am sure you will agree that it’s always much easier to deal with other people’s anxieties where there is no emotional attachment than those happening in your own life.

Your girlfriend has just come off anti-depressants.  This is going to be affecting her mood and how she feels.  I presume that when she says she is too far gone she means that neither you or anyone else is able to save her.  She’s right.  Ultimately, the only person that can save her is herself – you might like to point this out to her.  She’s been giving you mixed messages – she’s happy with you one minute and then calling the whole thing off the next.  She’s confused – you’re confused.

Her parents are, from what you say, a bad influence on her.  It’s nothing to do with them how she treats you (like crap).  Both her father and mother, individually, still want control of her and the fact that you are a psychologist is probably scaring them to death.  In their own way, consciously or not, they have been engineering this break up.

She’s given you her marching orders – she’ll come back if she comes back but don’t wait.  Take her advice – don’t wait.  There are not likely to be any significant changes in her over the next three months so you will just be setting yourself up for more of the same – ask yourself honestly is that what you want?

Regards – Peggy

Hi Marie,

Thank you for your lengthy reply – I am not upset by your original post – I am not emotionally involved.  I hope things are becoming clearer with all the responses you have received.  I do know from personal experience what it is like to be in the midst of a controlling, manipulative, abusive relationship and I do know what it’s like to be a single parent.  Hypothetically, you would contemplate exchanging a difficult mother-in-law for financial hardship, emotional distress for you and your children, sheer exhaustion from all the hard work in trying to keep your single parent family together, whilst attempting to bring them up to be secure, well adjusted, thriving individuals.  Added to that would be the maintenance and access agreements and all the time this ogre would be hot on your heels, chasing you around ready to pounce on you and your children at any moment.  Aagghh!

I am glad your fiance is seeking therapy to help him deal with issues that he has.  The way I see it is that he does not need to share his dreams with his mother, he does not need to succumb to guilt trips, he does not need to be available 24/7, he does not need to discuss politics, he does not need to set boundaries, he does not need to amount to anything, he does not need to visit, he does not need to stay away, he does not need to accept labels “golden boy”.  These are all choices that are available to him.

The point I was making about his mother is that she has given life to the man you love – you have at least one thing to be grateful to her for.  Send her a bouquet of flowers thanking her for the gift of her delightful son.  Everyone likes to feel appreciated and valued but we don’t always know how to get there.  You’ll be amazed at how good this will make you feel.  (I don’t think you’ll do this but that’s your choice.)  There is far more to being a mother than pushing a baby out into the world and, no doubt, she has had her own difficult challenges to contend with.  I’m willing to bet that her own childhood was equally disturbing and that she has learned how to behave in such an unhealthy way.  It doesn’t excuse the way she is treating her children, it just makes it easier to understand.

As for marriage, if only love was enough!  That’s just the foundation from which to start.  Trust, respect, loyalty, faithfulness, communication, compassion, commitment, compromise, forgiveness and then there’s those other niceties such as shared interests, mutual friendships, supportive families, financial security (or is that just me!).

I sincerely hope that the course of action you have decided upon works out for you.

With my very best wishes for the future.

Peggy

Hi Erica,

Since my post yesterday, I’ve come up with an idea for a project that you might like to try.  Have you thought of making a scrapbook for your niece and nephew on Dallas.  It might take a bit of research but nothing too onerous.  You could include things like the oldest building, the most impressive building, local beauty spots, statues, commemorative plaques, famous people that have lived there, a regional recipe, a quaint church, a photo of yourself and your room mate standing next to the Dallas sign maybe, a quirky car, a street performer, a favourite tree, a festival, an animal sanctuary.  Find pictures, prints, photos and news articles to include.

Find an elderly resident to “interview”.  Prepare a set of questions and ask them about their life, where they were born, family background, schooling, occupation, hobbies, what they like and dislike about Dallas, important events, what dreams they had, whether they were fulfilled, how has Dallas changed.  If they don’t mind, take a photo of them.  Buy them coffee or lunch – most people like to talk and you might just make their day.  Precis their story into easy to understand language for your nephew and niece.  Children just love to engage in this way.  Get your creative juices flowing!

Whilst sitting in the sun on a park bench this morning, watching the swans gliding across the water, I was inspired to write this poem for you.  I hope you like it.

Welcome to Dallas

Welcome to Dallas – it’s now been a year, I’ve been very sad and I’ve shed many a tear                                                                             Yet when I put a smile on my face, I find that the world is a much happier place                                                                                         I’ve met with kindliness from the advice that I’ve sought, and I’m beginning to engage with positive thought                                     Love will come in love’s own way, though I’ve had to kiss some frogs along the way                                                                                   I’ve lived with indecision but that’s OK, I’ve needed the space in which to say                                                                                         Today is the day that matters the most so I’m going to raise a glass and make a toast                                                                               To all the days when I didn’t have a plan, To all the people who told me “I CAN”                                                                                       To all the dreams I can reach out and touch, Thank you, thank you, thank you so much!

All the best for the future

Peggy

Hi Ruth,

I am so sorry that the death of your dog has affected you so deeply.  You shared 7 years of your life with him and gave him a wonderful time.  I think you are being a bit hard on yourself to say that you got his last day wrong.  You were with him at the end and he was aware of that.  It couldn’t have been easy to see him suffering but you must realise that this was not your fault.  You gave him as much comfort as you could.

Unfortunately, loss through death is all part of the cycle of life and there is not much anyone can do about that.  This acute loss has reminded you of your own (or your parents) mortality.  Give yourself time to grieve, remember the good times you shared, be kind to yourself, silently send your love to your dog and one day, who knows, you may be able to offer another rescue dog a good home.

I am a bit concerned that you are envisaging a future where you are all on your own.  It doesn’t have to be that way.  Pluck up[ the courage to meet new people by joining groups and/or volunteering at a local charity shop.  Would you be interested in helping children with their reading at a local school – are these opportunities available in your area?  Join an art club (if you are so inclined) or learn to play a musical instrument.  Don’t let being introverted stop you – everyone is good at something – find your passion (if you haven’t already done so) and indulge it.

Live one day at a time and give up worrying about the future.  Life is full of opportunities.  Have a free makeover in your local beauty store, try a new hairstyle, wear a different colour, cook a vegetarian/italian/chinese meal, arrange some flowers, spray your bedlinen with lavender, listen to some relaxing music, sleep under the stars, visit an art gallery, have a massage, take up tai chi, learn a foreign language, say hello to a stranger, pay someone a compliment.

Above all, be grateful for this life that you have and resolve to make the most of it every step of the way.

Peggy

Hi Nairobi

Change can be very unsettling and, although it is a very normal part of life, it can be stressful.  Take a few good, deep breaths until you become calm and hopefully you can deal with these issues one by one without becoming too emotional.  Your family and friends lives are progressing in a fairly normal way.  I am sure that you want their lives to work out for them and that you are wishing them well for the future.  These changes do not mean the end of these relationships – you can still stay in touch.

Don’t compare your life to the lives of others.  The grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence.  In fact, it rarely is.  Take another deep breath.

You’ve been to University – that’s an achievement.  You’ve managed to find work – that’s an achievement.  You are in a relationship – that’s an achievement.  Draw strength from all the things that you have achieved so far and take it from there.

Another deep breath.  You cannot control everything and the reality is that life does not always go to plan and you are disappointed that your expectations have not been met.  Come on.  You are only 26.  You’ve met with a couple of setbacks, that’s all.  You’ve got time on your side.

Another deep breath.  It is very difficult to remain anxious when you breathe fully into your lungs.  It is very difficult to panic when you breathe fully into your lungs.  Really!  Try it and see.  Take up yoga, tai chi, relaxation, meditation, affirmations.  You’ve been positive and cheerful before, you can be positive and cheerful again.  You can do it!  Yes!

Kind regards,

Peggy