Thank you, Neil. I appreciate your response and support, greatly.

Hi K,
I don’t have experience with anything as extreme as this with my sisters but I can relate to what you are saying. My first reaction is that – yes – you can always be the better person. If you are, eventually, no matter how long from now, she will realize that her religion is no religion at all if she can not open her heart for developing relationships. So forgive her over and over, be generous with her, love her as she is.
One thing I remember from a book called Staying with Conflict is that with relationships that matter, as this one does – some communication is better than no communication. In other words, make a plan, in small enough doses that you can handle, that you will reach out to her in some way – say perhaps a phone call a month for 12 months. Let go from the beginning of any need for a response. Just decide you will reach out in some small regularly. People go through so many stages and ups and downs throughout their lives. Maybe she will never change. But maybe she will, and you will have been there for her, ready. That is being the better person. But yes, it is also true, try to not let it bother you in the meantime.
Maybe at some point ask what her specific fears are. If your daughter’s father has ever been abusive emotionally or physically (even if he has changed) I think it makes sense for your sister to not want to risk him showing up unexpectedly while her children are there. She does not know him personally, and only can make a judgement on the facts that she knows. If you know what she wants – safety for her kids, perhaps you can work on how to create that safe space with some boundaries. If one of your main needs is to be close to your nieces, perhaps you can get to know them at your sister’s house. Good luck. I know it is horrible feeling to be at odds with a person, especially a sibling. May you be at peace.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by Kline.

Hi Lynn,
Maybe allowing ourselves to start from scratch is a gift we can give ourselves. It sounds like it is good that your husband is leaving your life. He doesn’t sound like a person that is supportive in helping you become you. He doesn’t sound like he was helping you bring out the gifts you have to give.
Can you start out staying a women’s shelter? There I imagine you can build the social support you need. You have a long healing journey ahead of you I imagine, but there is so much you can do along the way.
I would say when a crisis happens, you have to allow yourself to do nothing for while. If you can get away, and just allow yourself to cry and cry, then stand up and take one small step. Do anything to reach out. Any small thing, and then the next day, do two things.
Call your loan place and tell them you need a deferment for a year. But the major thing is – leave that place and don’t look back until you have a counselor who can sit with you, and help you sort through what happened. You cannot do that entirely on your own. You will be in my prayers tonight. God bless you.

Hi Kristie, I am sorry for what you are going through. Is it helpful to remember why you married him in the beginning? Do you want to stay married with him? I believe if you believe in the marriage, and he does too, that you can work something out. Or is there a reason to end the marriage? I am sure it is hard to know. I am single and sometimes have this fantasy that everything will be much better once I get married, but I know that is not the case. I applaud you for trying – anything – just keep trying different things and approaches. I hope more people respond.

I can relate to the pain of the moral limbo. There is a lot of good in this situation. First, you recognize that something is wrong and you are asking for help. That is a crucial step in the right direction. “God permits U-turns” Perhaps the thing scarier than losing these men, would be to stay with them, and not find out who you really are.
I hope one more person telling you the obvious will be of help – please, keep asking for help – the man who has a girlfriend – walk away. It doesn’t matter how “real” the love feels. You do not want to be with someone who is still with someone else.
I am not sure about your ex-fiance. If you don’t think he is for you, you are hurting him the long run, by acting like it might be a possibility. I am sure you know that. Believe me, I have been in a situation with similar ramifications, so I am not blaming.
I like what bodhisatva said: “Please take some time off of him and try to find yourself, and nurture the truly beautiful person you are, things happen and then they are over, there shouldn’t be anything to be ashamed about if you find the root cause and turn it into a teaching experience.”
What can you do while you are single again? Spend time crying and mourning, but know that you will move on, that you will grow, that you will be a more compassionate person, that already are more compassionate because you are recognize and admit to what is going on. The pain of that realization places you in a unique place to empathize with people who usually do not get much empathy. Learn from this experience and place hope in the life experiences that make you happy.

I think there are a couple points to think about regarding social anxiety:
You always feel more anxious than you appear to be others.
If a person is kind, then she/ he will help you feel comfortable. If the person is not kind, they are not worth your attention (in this context that we are talking about – meeting people)
Most people don’t like to be the first person to talk, but they appreciate being talked to. Have a few open ended stock questions prepared like, “What brought you here, tonight?”
I agree with luhin – mingle with the right crowd. The right crowd is going to care about you.
Remember “all is vanity” – who cares if someone thinks you are silly? just move on to the next person.
Give yourself a concrete goal, like “talk to at least two new people this month”
I read in article once this advice about meeting people “get in the habit of making people’s days” – you may be the one lifeboat of a cheering word that someone had to grab onto that day.
Finally, I am wondering where are the women you want to meet hanging out?

You will have a family of your own. Be open to it being on a different time frame and different way than you imagined or planned. There are so many ways to have a family. In the meantime, I hope you can reach out to the people who do love you, and that you can enjoy doing things you love.

I agree, Amit.
It is so much easier for someone other than yourself to see the big picture. Here is the big picture: Make a big U-turn and turn away. Life allows U-turns. There is absolutely no reason for you to continue to be in a relationship with this man. None whatsoever. I know that is hard to see because you have this feeling of love for this man. Of course you do – you invested ten years of your life into being with him. But Love is so much more than a feeling. It is beyond feelings. Love encompasses health, your truest self, the solution that “will make you Truly happy” – as Amit says. You will not be happy together with this man, either as a partner or as a friend. He will not make your life better, and he will not help you find Love in the truest sense. You have your entire life in front of you. My Buddha’s wisdom be with you.