No but I plan to read that book and others on zen Buddhism soon. I’ve been putting off Zen because it looks too esoteric with those koans. Also zazen looks kinda cruel and I can only meditate sitting on a chair.

If I look back at my current problem at work I see that my lack of self forgiveness is a major contributor. I felt so stupid to let this happen. To let them speak to me rudely without even a whimper from me. I consoled myself by saying “I’m just gonna focus on the task, not worry what they say”. But the process does matter. The task is not more important than how we are treated by our colleagues.And I think my lack of self-forgiveness was a way of saying “I can’t let this happen again. I must punish myself as a strong reminder never to let this happen again.
I go back to work later next week. I’m prepared to walk out this time. leave them to it. I hope it doesn’t get to that. But I want to show I’m not desperate for the job. I can find another job but it will be hard. My pride is important. I don’t need to be a whipping boy for them to get ride of their stress.
I have to psyche myself up to perform like a tiger, my new persona. Just hope I don’t overdo it.

Compassion is a very precious gift in our cruel world–you shouldn’t give it away to just everyone. Most people don’t deserve it.

An excellent post Evelyn. Thanks. Seems you know exactly what is going on, perhaps because you have tread the same path as me before.
I’ve just quoted you hear because I find this particular comment somewhat controversial. I mean I tend to agree with you but I wonder what other Buddhists would say about “most people not deserving compassion”. My view of the “real world” is similar in that most people are only looking after their own agenda; the real world being like a competitive jungle and survival of the fittest.
I especially like your advice about using the same behaviour as them (my colleagues) to survive. Stop smiling and being so eager not to offend. It’s like the wild west. You have to develop some “don’t mess with me” demeanour or you’re in trouble.
Sad though that we have to adopt these masks. I’d prefer to be my old relaxed, non-threatening self.

Saiisha
Thanks for links. I’ve just read all of them. They were good but did not deal specifically with standing up to bullies or harassment at work. They spoke in more general terms. Example self-worth. Yes I know that I just have to keep meditating and I will eventually find that inner wellspring of self-acceptance that is lying below all the negativity.
Starting to think I’m too self-absorbed. Should take a break from myself eh.

Annie
Thanks for your post and link which I read. it was useful.
Of course your point of view is quite valid. It is more often than not, my interpretation of events which make it worse.
And I have had problems in other workplaces as well as in other situations. Stems from feelings of inferiority I fear.

But I’d like to focus on whether Buddhism is going to be useful to me or not in regaining self-esteem. When I was younger, I did have some low-self esteem issues but they were manageable because I worked on my appearance and fitness. I felt good about how I looked. of course I still had problems of feeling confident in a group., afraid to voice my opinion. Now (in my fiftees), I am much fatter, starting to wrinkle, bit slower to catch on, (teach an old dog new tricks?) and perhaps more sensitive to perceived criticisms. However, I think when I was young I let people walk all over me, just I didn’t notice. Now I notice it and no longer want to be a doormat. I see someone used the analogy of the tiger and the teddy bear on another site. people need to see both the tiger and the teddy bear persona in you. I tend to project too much of the teddy bear persona, wanting to be cute and loveable. it’s all about boundaries and the workplace requires our boundaries to be stricter than normal. I tend to be over friendly, overly familiar and kind of toothless. The assertive tiger persona is hard for me to perform. I don’t enjoy claiming my rights to other people when they step over my boundaries or I am not mindful of what is happening in the heat of the moment(haha ! mindful… so maybe Buddhism is helping).
I want Buddhism to give me solutions to getting on with my work colleagues and gaining their respect. But all I get from Tibetan Buddhism is “be compassionate and fully present”. Surely we need to protect ourselves from people who are likely to walk all over us given the chance? What is the teaching on that? I used to be a Christian and a similar teaching was “turn the other cheek”. How about emphasising assertiveness more in daily life? How about talking about maintaining healthy self-esteem? These are my core issues and maybe they are better treated by psychology and counselling rather than religion. Too much emphasis on compassion and loving others regardless of their behaviour, is setting us for mistreatemnt in my view. We need to survive in the real world. Yes meditation has helped me I admit but it won’t solve all my problems I fear.