Good Morning Anita,

Hope your week is going well.  I am in the office (work from home 3 weeks out of the month) and the week is always long and tiring.  But tomorrow is Friday.  The kids are very busy with sports and we do not get home until late but today is the last day of school!

Amy’s parents were at my son’s baseball game  this past Monday.  I noticed that they never went up to my daughter Ella and said hi. I assumed maybe she went up to them but they do not talk or look at me and I’ve never been introduced.  I was not with her the entire game as she was playing with friends.   Afterwards I found out that they did not speak with her and she says she never saw them at the game. Apparently Amy told her she was upset with Ella b/c Ella did not speak to her parents.  This is causing Ella “pain on the inside” which I told her to speak to the counselor about- that is a very important statement. She is afraid to say anything because the counselor will tell her dad. I told her that is not true but she does not seem convinced. I also told her to speak with my mother as they are extremely close.  Amy does not speak to Ella but last night at the game I told Ella to say hi to her. Ella went up to her and said “hi Amy how are you” Amy was sitting down and looked at her and said “I’m fine.” that was the end of it.  I am very disturbed by this and I am wondering if we should have a one on one with myself, my ex, and the counselor.  I was also sent a message that I told Ella not to say hi to Amy’s parents and Amy said this to Ella too.

I’m also dealing with a situation with Jason that occured yesterday. We have taken a few pictures with each other. We have been dating a little over 5 months now. We do not have any on facebook. Yesterday I thought about posting 1 picture on my page and asked him what he thought. I was unsure of posting it. He said yes that’s fine but just not to tag him (it would go on his page) Today I called him b/c I got to thinking about things more and my thought is- Ok you want to do all these things behind closed doors etc but you don’t want to show a picture of us on facebook? I said this to him and he said it was an interesting comparison.  He stated that posting that on facebook is a big step. He never has anyone tag him in photos on facebook and that facebook is always about “status quo” He did admit to being on facebook all the time. I bascially said I am aware of all of that which is why I was undecided and ask him.  He did not want friends to start asking him questions and causing stress and did not want to have to answer these questions. (he is somewhat of a private person? he has never posted pictures with any other women he has dated.)

I seemed ok with the conversation but now I am disappointed and hurt. The goal of the conversation with him was to feel better and speak my thoughts. Basically I feel that he should not feel stress with adding a nice picture of us on facebook- which he did press for me to put the picture on my page saying it was a nice photo.  I feel he should be proud.  No one has asked me anything when I posted the picture of us on my page.

I do not like how I feel about this.  At this point I do not feel emotionally supported.

Lindsey

Anita,

Good Idea!!! 🙂

Anita,

So here is the message I sent him a while ago pertaining to Monday:

” Hey I’m pretty sure my phone call on Monday made zero sense. My anxiety was triggered (temporarily lol). Maybe you understand because you knew I was going to bring it up. Anyway nothing about that past situation really has anything to do with me or us (in my opinion). To be honest that prior stuff isn’t my business anyway.”

He replied with “It’s no problem.”

I feel bothersome/annoying. Maybe I should not have sent it. It’s over with.

Lindsey

Anita,

Thank your for your advice and suggestions.  Emotional dysregulation fits my problem perfectly.

I did not break up with Jason and my anxiety trigger regulated itself by yesterday evening.

I am thinking about messaging Jason just to say hey- that conversation was a trigger and I’m fine now.  I think my phone conversation on Monday about the topic did not make much since as my anxiety was on fire.

I also realize that my anxiety increases during the 7 days I do not see Jason in person.  Our messaging during that time in reality is healthy and not excessive. His style of messaging tends to be brief and to the point.  We touch base with each other every day some more, some less depending on what there is to talk about.

I don’t know that I told you yesterday he sent a message saying his ex wife finally signed the divorce papers. Now all they have to do is go to court and make it official on paper.

My understanding is they have been unable to agree for 2 years. Lots of attorney fees- my ex and I only used mediation out of pocket with no attorney.

So in summary I am thinking about sending the message. I am debating if I should ask him to check in more message wise during the 7 days apart.  I have noticed the more I initate messages the more he messages back.  I just do not want to seem too needy.  However these are things I feel like I need from the relationship and him to feel better.

Lindsey

Anita,

I’ve gone to counseling in the past and have addressed issues with my mother.  My ability to deal with the abandoment has not improved over time. My divorce seems to have increased my abandonment issues because after the divorce he moved on quickly into another relationship.  As a married couple of 12 years there is still some type of connection especially with children.

While it was my choice to end the marriage I saw a complete and total disgust and loss of any type of parent connection with him. I am a stranger that has been replaced and treated with disgust and also attacked as a mother who is lacking in general.

My option at this point is to try and get through my abandonment issues which seems hopeless based on counseling and time has had no improvement with it. Also the divorce increased my issues.

So basically there is a continuing theme of abandonment with past relationships. So in my eyes maybe I should not date anyone if I am going to go through this every time. I can tell you the feelings have significant impact on my life and overall enjoyment with relationships.

Lindsey

Anita

i think what I’m trying to say I’m no different from his ex girlfriend. Or the number of women he’s casually dated or went out with. There seems to be many of them.

I’m someone that he’s going to be happy with just the way things are.

He would probably still be dating that woman- and going on a year and a half by now – happy with exactly how things are.
Lindsey

Anita,

At this point I think I’m just going to avoid his calls. I feel really embarrassed.  Some people would not have a 2nd thought about this again and think what they asked was kind of normal but I don’t. Not at all.

Lindsey

Anita,

Very true-spot on. I’m glad I spoke with you first about the subject. No need to bring it up.

It’s anxiety week that started this morning. I believe most of it is because I will not see Jason for 7 days-next Monday.  This week is when we both have the kids 5 days out of the week.  Plus added stress.

There is no cure for it.

Lindsey