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Am I codependent? I feel awful

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  • #399506
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Good point. Seems to me anxiety is also like a drug addiction. You can temporarily relieve symptoms (reassurance)  but the need or more drugs or reassurance comes right back.

    Do you think it would be too much to send him an Edible Arrangement because he finally got the divorce finalized?  I mean it is big milestone after 2 years. The arrangement is basically made of fruit with options of the fruit dipped in chocolate etc. You can get it delivered.  I figure a very small one that’s not elaborate may be OK?

    Lindsey

    #399508
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    How sweet of you to want to end him a sweet, fruit-dipped-in-chocolate Edible Arrangement, you are such a loving girlfriend, I am impressed (and he should be impressed too, if/ when he gets it)! But maybe better postpone it to when the papers she signed get processed in court and the divorce is a sure thing?

    anita

    #399509
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Good Idea!!! 🙂

    #399510
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    I come up with a good idea from time to time, lol.

    anita

    #400033
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Hope you had a great Friday-

    I did not end up sending any flowers to Jason.  Because of COVID they did not have to go to court and he found out from his attorney that it was final on April 28th.

    I hope you have a good weekend! I am out to dinner soon!

    #400063
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Thank you, good to read from you. I tried to submit a post to you the other day, asking how you’re doing, but the post failed to submit. It happened once or twice before. Seems like my posts to you get submitted only following a post from you.  So, his divorce IS final, or close to final?

    By the time you read this, you should have already had dinner, I hope you enjoyed it, and that you have a good weekend!

    anita

    #401211
    lindsey
    Participant

    Good Morning Anita,

    Hope your week is going well.  I am in the office (work from home 3 weeks out of the month) and the week is always long and tiring.  But tomorrow is Friday.  The kids are very busy with sports and we do not get home until late but today is the last day of school!

    Amy’s parents were at my son’s baseball game  this past Monday.  I noticed that they never went up to my daughter Ella and said hi. I assumed maybe she went up to them but they do not talk or look at me and I’ve never been introduced.  I was not with her the entire game as she was playing with friends.   Afterwards I found out that they did not speak with her and she says she never saw them at the game. Apparently Amy told her she was upset with Ella b/c Ella did not speak to her parents.  This is causing Ella “pain on the inside” which I told her to speak to the counselor about- that is a very important statement. She is afraid to say anything because the counselor will tell her dad. I told her that is not true but she does not seem convinced. I also told her to speak with my mother as they are extremely close.  Amy does not speak to Ella but last night at the game I told Ella to say hi to her. Ella went up to her and said “hi Amy how are you” Amy was sitting down and looked at her and said “I’m fine.” that was the end of it.  I am very disturbed by this and I am wondering if we should have a one on one with myself, my ex, and the counselor.  I was also sent a message that I told Ella not to say hi to Amy’s parents and Amy said this to Ella too.

    I’m also dealing with a situation with Jason that occured yesterday. We have taken a few pictures with each other. We have been dating a little over 5 months now. We do not have any on facebook. Yesterday I thought about posting 1 picture on my page and asked him what he thought. I was unsure of posting it. He said yes that’s fine but just not to tag him (it would go on his page) Today I called him b/c I got to thinking about things more and my thought is- Ok you want to do all these things behind closed doors etc but you don’t want to show a picture of us on facebook? I said this to him and he said it was an interesting comparison.  He stated that posting that on facebook is a big step. He never has anyone tag him in photos on facebook and that facebook is always about “status quo” He did admit to being on facebook all the time. I bascially said I am aware of all of that which is why I was undecided and ask him.  He did not want friends to start asking him questions and causing stress and did not want to have to answer these questions. (he is somewhat of a private person? he has never posted pictures with any other women he has dated.)

    I seemed ok with the conversation but now I am disappointed and hurt. The goal of the conversation with him was to feel better and speak my thoughts. Basically I feel that he should not feel stress with adding a nice picture of us on facebook- which he did press for me to put the picture on my page saying it was a nice photo.  I feel he should be proud.  No one has asked me anything when I posted the picture of us on my page.

    I do not like how I feel about this.  At this point I do not feel emotionally supported.

    Lindsey

    #401215
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Good.. afternoon (for you)! My week is going well, thank you.

    Amy’s parents… never went up to my daughter Ella and said hi… Apparently Amy told her she was upset with Ella b/c Ella did not speak to her parents. This is causing Ella ‘pain on the inside’ which I told her to speak to the counselor about…  She is afraid to say anything because the counselor will tell her dad… I am very disturbed by this and I am wondering if we should have a one on one with myself, my ex, and the counselor” – (1) of course it’s always a good idea for co-parents to seek the help of a quality, professional counselor for the purpose of  cooperating for the benefit of the children, (2) From what you shared about Amy so far, I do not like her, not at all because she is not a force for good, is she,  as far as your children are concerned, what a shame! (3) I think that you should talk to Ella’s counselor and ask the counselor if indeed whatever Ella shares (excluding thoughts of self-harm and such, I imagine) is 100% confidential. If it is, ask the counselor to make it very clear to Ella that whatever she shares- with certain specified exceptions- is 100% confidential, and will not be shared with her father or with anyone else.

    I’m also dealing with a situation with Jason that occured yesterday… We have been dating a little over 5 months now. We do not have any (pictures) on facebook. Yesterday I thought about posting 1 picture on my page and asked him what he thought… He said yes that’s fine but just not to tag him (it would go on his page)… He stated that posting that on facebook is a big step…. He did not want friends to start asking him questions and causing stress and did not want to have to answer these questions. (he is somewhat of a private person? he has never posted pictures with any other women he has dated.)… I am disappointed and hurt… Basically I feel that he should not feel stress with adding a nice picture of us on facebook… At this point I do not feel emotionally supported” –

    – 1) I understand that even though you’ve been in a relationship for a little over five months, he is not yet officially divorced, or he just got officially divorced, so… maybe it is too soon for him to post pictures with you on his Facebook (while for you, it’s been years since you were married, so it’s not too soon), 2) You say that he has never posted pictures with any other woman he’s dated (before his marriage)… not even of the woman he ended up marrying, at the time when she was his girlfriend?

    anita

    #401216
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    His face book pictures are of his family and ex wife along with a few photos of immediate family mostly his children. He stated that he turned off anyone tagging him in their photos so it does not show on his page.  My take on the conversation was that maybe he is private about things- this is a big step? But why then say I should defintely post on my page and that is is a great picture of us?

    It just does not sit right with me.  He thinks the situation is really nothing, not a big deal, a non issue but made sure I was ok with everything.  I want to take down the picture. I am not going to bring up any more face book or photos.  I feel a bit disappointed and not emotionally supported.  I want him to be proud of us and the picture and not mind sharing it.

    Lindsey

     

    #401217
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    It just occurred to me: he didn’t yet introduce his children to you. If his children have access to his Facebook, no wonder he doesn’t want them to see photos of you and him, not before he introduces you to them. Otherwise, it can distress his children.

    Again, you’ve been divorced for a while, and your children have been more than introduced to your ex’s girlfirend Amy. So, if they see pictures of you and Jason on your Facebook, it’s not the same as his children (assuming they do not have an Amy in their lives) seeing pictures of their newly divorced father with another woman.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #401218
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I did not think about that either. His daughter is 13 and son is 11. I know they both have cell phones and are on social media. That would make sense to me and when my kids are on social media I would do the same-  but he never mentioned that.  We are not at a point to introduce children. I’m 100% sure on my end anyway.

    I agree that he just got offically divorced.  Why do you think none of this was mentioned? It does make sense and can be seen at a different angle from what he said.

    Why do you think my feelings are hurt? Am I being too sensitive? He seems so eager to do things that are non related to social media.  I’m more of a participant for him with different things not social media related.

    Lindsey

     

    #401219
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    He didn’t mention it probably because he wasn’t thinking much, it’s not like he prepared what he was going to say to you and made sure that he included all relevant information.

    You asked me if you are too sensitive: yes, I do. We talked about it many times, about you being emotionally over-reactive (aka overly sensitive, or too sensitive).

    I don’t think that objectively the Facebook topic is a problem: “he just got officially divorced“, like you wrote. It is too early for him to put photos with you on his Facebook when his children have access to it. On the other hand, you are not freshly divorced and your children do not have access to Facebook, right?

    anita

    #401229
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I’m a moron. He just messaged me saying he posted our picture on his page and he didn’t want me to think he didn’t like me.

    That wasn’t really my point exactly but who cares at this point. it’s been a really long week and I’ve go to figure out the Ella-Amy situation with the counselor.

    I get really stressed and this stuff seems to happen….

    Lindsey

    #401238
    anita
    Participant

    I am so pleased to read this!!! I’ll be back in a few hours for a few more words.

    anita

    #401247
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    I was pleased to read that he posted a picture with you on his Facebook page. I hope you do help your daughter in regard to the ex-Amy situation with the guidance of the counselor!

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 316 through 330 (of 416 total)

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