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Am I codependent? I feel awful

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Viewing 15 posts - 331 through 345 (of 397 total)
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  • #401541
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Hope you had a good holiday weekend!  Jason and I went on a bike ride, movies, food etc all weekend. Very fun and relaxing-just great all around.

    This morning at 11 (it’s 1:44pm now) we had our counseling session between my ex and I and the counselor. The beginning went well but then it went downhill when I mentioned that co-parenting should just be between of 2 of us and that there is a boundary issue with his finance Amy.  Things exccalated at that point. I mentioned her moving in at 3 months and the issues with Ella and Amy. He started lying about things to the point where I got really upset. At that point it was time for the counselor to speak with the kids. I said that I do not think a meeting like this should happen again. The counselor stated that we can individually do checks in’s with him.

    In the beginning I made sure to focus on the kids with my purpose of counseling to make sure they are emotionally happy and healthy moving forward. I stated that I am only in control of what I do.

    Then I was feeling very down and got a message from Jason that was sexual in nature. At that point I felt disappointed because I just need a hug and emotional support. We texted a few lines and I sent him a text saying “is there an emotional component with sex for you as well?”

    We needed up talking on the phone.  I told him that although this is a bit irrational (which we both agreed is classic anxiety with the focus to be on the here and now) I have had thoughts that in 6 months, a year, whenever that if I say something about having us each met the kids he will say  “umm no I like where things are at now. ” There was additional talk but I can’t remember half of it. At one point he questioned what exactly I meant by emotional component. Apparently he may have questioned or just wanted to clear up if it meant love but I was like “uh NO” and we got on the same page then.  I spoke about the counseling session and how it went. I said that I worry that in the end he will not want to deal with my issues and will just get sick of it. He disagreed- then said he has only been divorced for a few weeks- which I said Exactly- that is part of my worry I have been divorced over 2 years and I am at a slightly different point in my life.

    We ended things on a good note.  However, I can tell you that this is adding to my overall stress especially dealing with my ex which Jason and I touched on.  Although people have anxiety sometimes they are right. I know your response would be that wait and see what happens in the future.

    That is definitely all anyone can do.  But I have issues with sex only being about sex. Why can’t it be more when you really like someone? Can’t that be shown? and I am telling you that I do not think he will want to move forward in say 6 months. He has only been divorced 6 months and who is ready to really settle down and move forward seriously?

    Lindsey

    #401543
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    My weekend was fine, got to see the ocean from a distance. Glad to read that your holiday weekend was great! But not glad to read that the counseling session failed. For it to have succeeded, the counselor, right at the beginning of the session, should have established rules of interactions between you and the ex, so to prevent the emotional escalation that took place. Did he?

    The session failed and the counselor himself stated that you and your ex can see him individually, not together. So, either it is impossible for you and the ex to communicate peacefully and effectively, or this counselor didn’t do his job well.

    Following the failed, disappointing session, all you needed was a hug and a non-sexual emotional support, but Jason sent you a text sexual in nature. I am guessing that he wasn’t aware of what you needed at the time.

    “I have issues with sex only being about sex. Why can’t it be more when you really like someone? Can’t that be shown?” – but it IS more, and the-more IS showing: (1) you started your post with “Jason and I went on a bike ride, movies etc all weekend. Very fun and relaxing- just great all around”- this is a long weekend with lots of stuff besides sex!

    (2) he was attentive and took his time talking with you on the phone (reads like it was a long conversation), he wanted to know what you meant previously in a text, wanting to know what you think and feel- that’s a lot more than sex! He did what it took during this phone conversation so that it ended on a good note.

    You ended your post pessimistically: “who is ready to really settle down and move forward seriously?” – he may want to settle down with you: he really likes you and he is invested in the relationship with you! I think that it’s just that you are feeling down about the disappointing session, so you don’t appreciate the good about Jason and the relationship right now, that is all.

    anita

    #401545
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I agree with what you are saying. My brain was on fire when I left the appointment and my ex (and my mom) tend to bring out anxiety and abandonment issues. (prior PTSD resurfacing?)

    I meant why can’t emotionally “i like you a lot” be included emotionally in the bedroom.  Isn’t there an in-between? Not the “I love you sex?”  When do you realize your feelings have gone from Like to Love and how can you share this with a partner especially when they do not have those feelings?

    Everything is going very well with him and the relationship is moving forward as far as enjoying each other’s company each time we see each other more and more. The anxiety brings these pessimistic and irrational thoughts of when it comes down to it- “I’m not good enough” I said to him “Lindsey does not have a happily ever after.  It just doesn’t happen with me.”

    Lindsey

    #401550
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Since your ex and your mother bring out anxiety in you- stay away from them as much as possible. And employ a few relaxation techniques every day, make a routine of it.

    Regarding the love/sex topic with Jason, doesn’t he tell you sometimes that he likes you a lot? Or is it that you want him to tell you that he likes you a lot at the same time that he is sexually stimulated by you?

    Regarding “Lindsey does not have a happily ever after” – no one does, this is why heaven was invented: an imaginary happily ever after. But you have a good thing with Jason, a bit of a happily-ever-after today, a bit tomorrow.. and maybe for many years.

    anita

    #401559
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I hear what you are saying and I think that you are correct regarding having a good think with Jason currently.

    As I started my day this morning this is what my thoughts/feelings are that I am trying to process.

    #1 I do not feel happy with myself or  my thoughts of not being able to live in the moment and enjoy what I have in my life including a stable and happy relationship.

    #2 I have been divorced over 2 years and all together including separation it would be since 2018.  Jason was not 100% honest or what ever you want to phrase it when we first started dating. While he and his ex were in divorce proceedings for the past 2 years she was living in the home and moved out 6 months prior to us starting to see each other.

    #3 like he said he has only been officially divorced since a few weeks ago.  He tends to live in the moment and I also think about the future. For me and my personality I would not continue to be with someone unless I felt there was serious potential. Because to be 100% honest I believe that I am in the middle of 1-like   2- falling hard  and 3 in love.  I interpreted our conversation that none of that is on his radar.  I think about introducing him to the kids within a few months.

    #4 since yesterday I feel that he has gone overboard with affection and it is embarassing.  I know that this is positive behaviors.

    I feel that I had to “pull teeth” to get him to even post a picture on social media.

    Lindsey

    #401564
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    About #1, not feeling happy with yourself and “not being able to live in the moment and enjoy.. a stable happy relationship”, I don’t know if we talked about Anxious Attachment Style, which is your style in relationships. Did we?

    Here is a quote from a website (Life advancer. com/ Anxious Attachment Style) that confirms that indeed, if you suffer from an anxious attachment style, you are not happy with yourself or with the relationship:  “Adults with an anxious attachment style typically view their life in a negative way. They experience more negative emotions, they think more negative thoughts and they react in a more negative way. Naturally, this has a knock-on effect on their relationships.  They are more likely to dismiss positive experiences, instead, they will focus on what has gone wrong”.

    Here are some of the signs listed: “Needs constant reassurance that they are loved, Feels insecure within the relationship, Is always worried that they are going to be rejected, Constantly preoccupied with the relationship… Spends a lot of time worrying about what the other person wants… Takes offense at the slightest little thing and blows it out of proportion, Takes the partner’s behavior too personally.. They’ll quickly change from feeling strongly in love to craving independence”-

    – you fit all these, don’t you?

    Because so many people suffer from this attachment style (due to problematic childhoods), there are whole books on the topic: “Anxious Attachment: Coping Strategies to Deal with Anxiety, Insecurity, Fear of Abandonment and Reconnect with Your Partner”, published in 2022, as well as other books: “Anxious Attachment: Don’t Let Anxiety Sabotage Your Relationship”,  “Anxiety in Relationships”, and more.

    In the beginning of the relationship, “Jason was not 100% honest”- if he is honest overall and wasn’t in regard to a trivial matter early on, and you are focusing on that… well, that fits one of the ways of thinking of an anxiously attached person.

    “He tends to  live in the moment and I also think about the future” – maybe he does not suffer from an anxious attachment style and therefore can live in the moment. Anxious people skip to the future and worry.

    “he has gone overboard with affection and it is embarrassing. I know that this is positive behaviors” – but you react to it as if it’s negative, which is congruent with the anxious attachment style.

    anita

    #401565
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    We have spoken about Anxious Attachment style and it does fit 100% for me.  I have studied the style and actually listened to podcasts, mediations, and short reviews of books.  The issue is that studying this style does nothing for me personally to improve my attachment style.  Unfortunately I continue with the same behaviors and in the end nothing ends well for me with relationships.  In the past I have picked men that were beneath me- they did not treat me well at all and there was a pattern.- The negative emotions I feel that are irrational make an impact on my overall mental health and functioning. I have 2 children. I am a single parent and must keep functioning in the best manner I can.

    I feel very certain while this may also be irrational that I will reach a point in the near future if things continue that I will want to  move in a more serious direction and he will not feel the same.  I am not 100% certain if that has to do with my attachment style; more of an overall impression in the past 6 months. My opinion is that we are at different stages in our lives relationship wise.  While my problem is not living in the present in my opinion people do need to think about the future to avoid putting themselves in situations that will hurt them in the end.

    Lindsey

     

    #401566
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I feel that I am at a cross road as to continue this relationship.

    Lindsey

    #401567
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Are you.. kind of preparing yourself to end the relationship with Jason, sooner than later, so to stop the anxiety: to be Single and Peaceful vs In a relationship and Anxious?

    anita

    #401568
    anita
    Participant

    * I submitted the above before I read your one liner right above, so the answer is yes, isn’t it?

    anita

    #401569
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Yes I am at the cross road to do that sooner rather than later.  I am not sure what to do because I do really enjoy what we have right now.  I cannot stop thinking and worrying about the future and live in the moment.

    We are at different stages in our lives currently divorce wise and our mindset for a serious future relationship in my opinion. I do not like sharing my feelings and get the impression that what I may and probably will want is not even on his radar.

    He has been messaging and at this point I am not responding. I feel that I just cannot deal with this anxiety and do not have the energy to deal with it also.

    Lindsey

    #401570
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    I am all for you doing what’s right for you and if ending the relationship with Jason is what’s right for you- then I am all for it. Question is, let’s say you end it today, how long will it be before you get anxious about having ended it and then text him or call him wanting him back… on his terms (enjoying things as they are, not planning a future together)?

    Another question: I re-read about your conversation with him yesterday, some of it you didn’t rememer: did the two of you ever discuss at length his attitude toward the relationship (enjoy it as is) vs yours (plan for a future together)?

    anita

    #401571
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I hear what you are saying that is why I have not done anything.

    There were not specific plans made for the future at all. We cleared up that currently we are not in love- the relationship is not at that level. Basically he said that he would not do all of the activities with me and not treat me the way he does it that was not true that he did not like me

    I feel like he is missing my point. His theme is live in the now- he has not idea what he will want in the future.

    Lindsey

    #401572
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I don’t know what to do.  I feel that him not saying anything about the future is not good.

    Lindsey

    #401573
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Maybe I should not change anything and keep moving forward. I do not think I will get the answers I am looking for. There are no answers about the future.

    I am forgetting if I want how serious I want to take things in the future.  For me it will take time to really move forward. I think that I am disappointed that he did not say he felt really serious about me- reassurance needed?

    Lindsey

Viewing 15 posts - 331 through 345 (of 397 total)

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