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Am I codependent? I feel awful

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  • #396980
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Good morning, 10:35 am your time, 8:35 am my time, 48 degrees where you’re at, colder where I am! I just learned that Normal is a town close to Bloomington… there have to be jokes about a town with this name… or people living there?

    So, this morning my brain was analyzing and the feelings of wanting “more” may be because there is no conflict in the relationship.  So, I’m bored?… This relationship is steady-like a sailboat with no choppy waves; a relaxing ride. Maybe this is the issue?” – may very well be the issue, yes, bored, yes, it makes sense. But it sounds nice, to sail on quiet ocean waters, try to enjoy the relaxing ride!

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
    #397951
    anita
    Participant

    -It’s been a while, how are you, Lindsey?

    anita

    #398568
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Yes it has been too long. How are you?  I hope you enjoyed Easter.   I had the children from 10-6 and we went to the movies,  the store for a toy because they received money for Easter and made breakfast to dinner.  Also decorated eggs.

    Work has been extremely busy and I am working between 9 and 10 hours a day.

    I set up a counseling session for the kids next Tuesday.  The kids came over on Easter at 10am and were talking about a huge fight between my ex and his girlfriend.

    Apparently my daughter Ella told her dad she did not like Amy (girlfriend) and that Amy was mean to her. Also the kids told me that my ex pushed her towards the bedroom because she was in trouble and not behaving. ( A 5 out of 10 push)

    I have attempted to discuss this with my ex.  Mostly the toxic situation in their home and my worry for the kids, especially Ella. He would not meet in person but we spoke on the phone and he projected everything as my fault. He denied ever pushing Ella.  He stated I was a “bitch” and all Amy ever tried to do was co parent and assist him and I working together and I ruined it.

    He attacked me in every direction from “what this is your 3rd or 4th boyfriend?” to “Ella runs your house. You cry all the time and you do not give Aiden enough attention.”

    The rest of the conversation continued to go south and I disconnected the line.  Mistake on my part.  I’m doing the right things and feel like I am verbally trashed in person.  While I am very aware of his behaviors this is making a big impact on me.

    He says the kids come over to his house all the time and say things about me.  I feel like I am going to go into the counselor’s office and have no voice and be run over.  I do not think I am going to say much at all except I am worried about their well being as of the last 6 months. I have noticed changes.

    I am just struggling. My relationship with Jason is good I’m just starting to think he is a bit weird but then maybe I am too. We all have our faults and he is a good boyfriend.

    Lindsey

    #398569
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    It’s always good to read about the quality time you spend with your kids, and also, that your relationship with Jason is good and that he is a good boyfriend; “a bit weird” sounds okay to me, is it?

    It’s a terrible shame that Amy is mean to your daughter Ella, that your ex pushed Ella, and that both kids had to witness a huge fight between your ex and his girlfriend, shame on your ex and shame on his girlfriend! Children are not supposed to be exposed to aggression: not by being pushed, and not by witnessing a fight between adults in the household.

    He denied ever pushing Ella.  He stated I was a ‘bitch’ and all Amy ever tried to do was co parent and assist him and I working together, and I ruined it” – I wonder if Ella (or Aiden) can record the sounds of the next huge fight between Amy and your ex, or the next time that any of the kids is verbally mistreated, for proof, maybe to be used for legal purposes?

    He says the kids come over to his house all the time and say things about me” – did he say what they say, do you have any idea what he is talking about?

    I set up a counseling session for the kids next Tuesday… I feel like I am going to go into the counselor’s office and have no voice and be run over” – run over by your ex? Is he going to be present in the session along with you and the kids (and … Amy, by any chance)?

    anita

     

    #398570
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Recording the next huge fight would be a great idea. However I do not know how they would do that.  Their I pads stay at my home.  I have a cell phone I bought for them but I am  until they are older because I think they will lose the phone.

    Amy’s son  Brayden has a phone but I’m not sure how much access he has on a daily basis when he is at their house. I could ask his step mother Sara but I’m not sure if that would be smart to do- possible conflict of interest? But she and Brayden’s father also have concerns about the environment in Amy and my ex Jon’s home.  I am going to ask Sara.  Or if you have any ideas?

    My ex says when they come over to his house that “Ells says she is spanked on the butt constantly” absolutely not true-

    That I pay more attention to Ella than our son Aiden- That I cry all the time and Ella runs the house.  That is really all I remember.  Most of what he is saying is taken out of context and either made up or exaggerated.

    Lindsey

    #398571
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Don’t suggest to your kids to record anything before you are sure about how it can be done technically and practically, and before you are sure that it’s safe for the kids to do so and that they can handle the stress that’s involved in recording. Maybe I rushed suggesting this… better ask the counselor and your lawyer first!

    What about what I asked regarding the counseling session next Tuesday?

    anita

    #398572
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    True.  I was thinking about the recording – if Ella was 12 or 13 yes it could be done. But she is 10 and it would end up a disaster.

    I do not have the specifics yet- I’m waiting to confirm that the counselor will see both kids at the same time. Amy is not allowed to be at the counseling sessions-it’s written in our mediation paperwork.  I would prefer for Jon and myself to meet with the counselor separatly and I will suggest that and see what they say.

    Lindsey

    #398575
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    So recording is out. I have some hope in regard to the counseling session. If I was you, I’d start the session telling the counselor that I want the 3 adults in the children’s lives to get along for the sake of the children, and that you would like the counselor to help you make it happen!

    anita

    #399360
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita-

    Good morning and Happy Monday. I hope you enjoyed your weekend- Mine went by entirely too fast.

    The counseling appointment is tomorrow- the counselor had to reschedule.  I think your advice was spot on.  I lost a bit of the focus on the children and I was thinking that sharing examples of his mistreatment towards myself as a parent could be acknowledged in counseling with the counselor taking my side.

    I do not believe that should be part of the discussion early on.  It should be focused on the children.  There may be things that will be addressed regarding the 3 of us getting along and negative things that they have done but not the main focus.  I think it will be very beneficial for everyone involved.

    My relationship with Jason is going very well.  We are going on 5 months soon and I am very happy.  I have a classic example of my relationship anxiety and I need to address with him but need some guidance.

    On Saturday we were eating dinner and he stated with his prior girlfriend when she brought up moving forward- being introduced to his children, etc.  He explained to her  that he liked where things were at and did not want to take the next steps. They had been together about 6 months. She does not have children and acknowledged with him that she lived 45 minutes away and was planning on moving this year out of state.

    My worry is that what if that happens with me? I think this should be brought up prior to me having to ask. Now- I may feel at that time that I am happy with the way things are and do not want to move forward.  However- you cannot sustain an ongoing relationship in my opinion with things staying stagnant and not moving forward at some point.

    I think this is a difficult topic for me because he is meeting the check marks for someone  I would consider moving forward in a more serious manner when that time presents itself.  I feel strongly that this subject should be addressed whenever either one of us comes to the decision they do not want to get more serious prior to the other party having to ask with the expectations that things will be moving forward.

    Lindsey

    #399365
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Good Monday Morning to you! I very much like what you wrote regarding the counseling session tomorrow: focusing on the children’s needs. What they need is to feel safe and comfortable with their mom and with their dad.

    I am glad to read that your almost 5 months relationship with Jason is going very well. Regarding the issue for which you need guidance: last Saturday, you were eating dinner and he told you that his prior girlfriend of 6 months (who didn’t have children and who was planning to move out of state), brought up  “moving forward“, that is, “being introduced to his children, etc.“, and he told her that “he liked where things were at and did not want to take the next steps“.

    Your worry is, as I understand it, that at any time, he will know that he doesn’t want the relationship with you to move forward but he will not let you know about his position, you will then bring up moving forward (like the prior girlfriend did), and he will give you the same answer as he gave her., You are okay with things as they are, right now, but you are worried that if the relationship will not move forward at some point (meeting each other’s kids, etc.), it will become stagnant and end.

    I think that things between you and Jason are fine as they are, that the relationship is moving forward when it comes emotional and physical intimacy. Meeting each other’s children is far from necessarily meaning that a relationship is moving forward- it can mean (and it happens) bringing a relationship to an end because of the added stress involved in meeting each other’s children.

    Your children don’t need to meet Jason, they need to feel safe and comfortable with the adults they already have in their lives. Plus, as far as I know, you and Jason do not plan to bring more children into the world, and you are not in a rush to live with him…so everything is fine as it is, the relationship is not stagnant, it is going very well, meaning it is moving forward as it is.

    anita

    #399389
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Very true-spot on. I’m glad I spoke with you first about the subject. No need to bring it up.

    It’s anxiety week that started this morning. I believe most of it is because I will not see Jason for 7 days-next Monday.  This week is when we both have the kids 5 days out of the week.  Plus added stress.

    There is no cure for it.

    Lindsey

    #399395
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    I know anxiety, there is no cure for it but there are ways to manage it and lessen it over time. One way to manage it is to take the time and think before we act, so fear doesn’t drive our actions. When we choose thoughtfully, not impulsively, we make better choices, and better choices- over time- lead to lesser anxiety.

    anita

    #399397
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I spoke with Jason a few minutes ago on the phone. I was just talking about my general anxiety and he was talking about work things.  So then he stated is there something else that’s bothering you? And I was like well yes but I think it’s a very akward thing for me to bring up because I know the answer and I proceeded to tell him what we spoke about with his ex girlfriend. He said he knew that was going to come up again because of my facial expression when we were talking.

    I mean I said how I felt, I’m happy with things right now.  No one knows the outcome or what will happen. I’m not ready to think about anything more serious. He agreed I just wish I had more reassurance about it. I feel very uncomfortable about bringing it up. In fact I feel worse now.  I feel he thinks I am trying to push things or my frame of mind is disturbing or he’s like oh boy here’s something I have to deal with again with these women.

    I just want to end things honestly.  I feel that I cannot and will not put myself in any type of situation like this where I would basically get my heard broken.   I am not doing well with this at all. I really just wanted to break up with him and be done with it. I’m serious.  I can’t talk with him anymore about this. It will just make things worse

    Lindsey

    #399398
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    At this point I think I’m just going to avoid his calls. I feel really embarrassed.  Some people would not have a 2nd thought about this again and think what they asked was kind of normal but I don’t. Not at all.

    Lindsey

    #399405
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    I wish I was home earlier answering your recent posts. I read the conversation you had with Jason, nothing alarming about it. You know that you tend to overreact emotionally/ to feel everything intensely: “very awkward… very uncomfortable… really embarrassed… worse“-as if something bad happened, but nothing much happened at all. Feeling these negative feelings intensely, no wonder you wanted to end things with him when you posted- you want to … get rid of these negative feelings.

    How are you feeling now???

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by anita.
Viewing 15 posts - 286 through 300 (of 372 total)

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