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Am I codependent? I feel awful

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Viewing 15 posts - 271 through 285 (of 392 total)
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  • #396647
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    I figured my vacation confusion (see my ooops post right before your most recent). I think that you are entitled to the information regarding what’s going on with his ex-wife (are they divorced or legally separated)? He should tell you what’s going on!

    (I will be away from the computer for a few hours).

    anita

    #396671
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    No problem!

    They are legally separated and have been going through the divorce process for the past 2 years.  Apparently his attorney told him yesterday she was ready to quit?  Sounds to me like he and his ex are both being difficult and not agreeing on anything.  My father told me yesterday that most men tend to not admit to wrong doing or contributing to divorce in relationships.  (I think that is true for a large percentage?) and also can be for women too (maybe less than men?)

    He stated to me this morning that he was still a bit bummed since yesterday. “I always get like this after skiing.  All of the adrenaline and having fun. Glad it’s the weekend.”

    In my opinion he may have done more that just pot and xanax while skiing.  We both know doing any type of drug especially in excess can interfere with anti-depressants, anxiety meds, etc.  At this point he is not my husband and I don’t live with him.  He makes sure he is not high around me (from pot).  He takes it at night mostly he says.  So really that’s not my concern at this point.

    Personally many people feel that pot is not a drug.  I think it is-but so is xanax, alcohol, etc.

    I think I am making a big deal about little things sometimes.  I tell myself his bad mood as nothing to do with me and it does not.  He mentioned maybe getting together over the weekend b/c we will not see each other for about 2 weeks.

    I like planning ahead and really want to ask him about this weekend but I know that may not be the route to take at this point.  He might have to hire a sitter.  My brain is kind of beat but I will have the weekend to myself.

    Lindsey

    #396672
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    What I read about his divorce reminds me of the movie The War of The Roses, did you watch it? I don’t know who of the 2 of them admits to wrongdoing or not, but the reason for the acrimony between them could be just greed, or mostly greed: each of them wants more money and more material things.

    Many people feel that pot is not a drug.  I think it is-but so is Xanax, alcohol, etc.” – pot is a mood-altering drug, and so is Xanax and alcohol and coffee. There is a mood-altering drug in chocolate (cocoa), in small amounts.

    Some mood-altering drugs are natural (ex., pot, morphine), others are partly synthetic (ex., heroin) or fully synthetic (ex., fentanyl). The idea behind psychiatric mood-altering drugs being preferrable to illegal mood-altering drugs is that you can count on the fact that each tablet of prescribed 1 mg of Xanax contains exactly 1 mg of the drug, and no other drug. On the other hand, the manufacturing of illegal drugs is not regulated, and you don’t know how much of a particular drug is in a certain weight or volume, or if there is an extra drug added to it. I read that 100,306 people in the US died from overdose April 2020 – April 2021 (CDC), many of them involved fentanyl.

    I think I am making a big deal about little things sometimes.  I tell myself his bad mood as nothing to do with me and it does not” – you tend to catastrophize, we talked about it. His divorce sounds messy, that’s probably what’s behind his bad mood.

    He mentioned maybe getting together over the weekend b/c we will not see each other for about 2 weeks” – why won’t you see each other for two weeks?

    My brain is kind of beat but I will have the weekend to myself” – I wonder if watching The War of the Roses this weekend, with him or without him, is a good idea… maybe it is too intense, particularly for him… but maybe it will make him feel better, I don’t know.

    anita

    #396673
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    That movie is hilarious.  He has his kids this weekend because his ex wife had them the entire week of Spring Break.  So next week will be the regular week for both of us with our kids.  We will go back to our regular schedule.

    I think I’m going to tell him to watch it LOL.  That is a great idea.  We may get together this weekend-he just messaged.

    Do you remember those Fun Houses at the carnivals that came every year to town?  Going through the house is like dealing with my anxiety.

    Happy Friday!!

    Lindsey

    #396674
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Looks like your mood improved because he messaged you about 15 minutes ago. I don’t remember Fun Houses… not sure. Happy Friday to you and let me know later if he watches the movie!

    anita

    #396848
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Hope you are having a good Monday so far.  I’m pretty busy so far at work.  I did tell Jason about the movie but I’m not sure if he is going to see it.  He did say he will add it to the list and I hope he does watch it and get some perspective.

    We went to the movies on Saturday night and it was nice.  We always have fun together.

    Since Saturday night I feel like I want more. To see him more, to get more serious in the relationship.  I cant really figure out my feelings.  The only way to describe it is like I said- I just want more.  I don’t think we can get more serious than we already are. I’ve never felt this way before with anyone else in prior relationships so I’m a bit lost.

    I’m just confused and I don’t know how to even describe or explain it to him.

    Lindsey

    #396850
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    I woke up to a severe sounding windstorm and rain this Monday morning, but now it is strangely quiet, the trees are still, nothing moves. Talking about things moving, there is a movement in your emotions, a wanting more: more of him in your life, more commitment (maybe living together, maybe getting married…?).

    This development is on one hand natural, because you “always have fun together”, and wanting more fun is natural; on the other hand, this development is sometimes, maybe often, a turning point in a fun relationship because one partner starts pressuring the other to commit, and following ongoing stress, the once-fun relationship languishes in un-fun and anger before it ends.

    Think of your relationship as a chocolate cake, wanting more and more can lead to the cake … being gone!

    anita

    #396853
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I understand but the strange thing is our relationship is right on track where it should be.  I mean this isn’t love yet but based on things getting better and better who knows?

    We are committed and yes I would love to see him more but we both have 50/50 custody of our kids and that is not possible. Maybe it is because I will not see him this weekend and I am confusing “more” with missing him?

    I am not at a point where I would think about introducing him to my children and he feels the same. We have discussed in the past the 6-12 months marke before introducing kids into the mix. Moving in together. No way lol.

    I do not think I would remarry. I do consider at this point in my life having a life partner/companion.  I would not have someone move in until my kids are teenagers or out of the home.

    To be honest I feel a little alarmed in general.  I feel a bit mixed up and have not reached out to him today.  I think I should be able to talk with him about it but these feelings seem very personal.

    Lindsey

    #396857
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Our relationship is right on track where it should be.  I mean this isn’t love yet but based on things getting better and better who knows?” – I like your attitude!

    Maybe it is because I will not see him this weekend and I am confusing ‘more’ with missing him?” – yes, I think so, it makes sense to me.

    I am not at a point where I would think about introducing him to my children and he feels the same. We have discussed in the past the 6-12 months mark before introducing kids into the mix… I would not have someone move in until my kids are teenagers or out of the home” – it feels good to read about responsible parenting, how refreshing, my hat is off to the two of you!!

    I do not think I would remarry. I do consider at this point in my life having a life partner/companion” – reads like an independent Lindsey, an Independent Codependent (the latter is in the title of your thread, a word you chose in July 2021). I think that you are way less codependent than you used to be!

    To be honest I feel a little alarmed in general” – this is Anxious Lindsey, but even with anxiety you made progress, it’s just that it takes a long, long time to make a bit of progress, it takes persistence and lots of patience to become a Less and Less Anxious Lindsey.

    I feel a bit mixed up and have not reached out to him today.  I think I should be able to talk with him about it, but these feelings seem very personal” – the place for these very personal feelings is in a very personal relationship with him, so… do you feel that you need to share these with him in person, in more than a week from now or before?

    anita

     

    #396859
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    At this point no I do not think I am going to share until I process my feelings.  Also he may take it the wrong way if I try to explain.  I am leaning towards just missing him.  I’m about 75% sure I am not used to feeling this way because this is the first healthy and normal relationship I have been it.  That sentence would be something to share with him maybe.

    Lindsey

    #396860
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    It makes sense to me that you process your feelings first; feel free to do it here, little by little or all at once, however it happens… or in private, whatever works better for you.

    This is the first healthy and normal relationship I have been in” – this sentence means a lot. If I was him and you told me this, I’d feel very good hearing it!

    anita

    #396872
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you for your support. Sometimes I just feel clingy on an emotional level.  I know I’m not extreme about it but it bothers me. It interupts the day and is like a song on repeat.

    For example I sent him a message earlier stating I miss him b/c we skipped the weekend and he replied “you missed me” my interpretation as joking around. I made another comment and he replied with a smiley face.

    I want more from him emotionally.  I was just able to recognize my feelings. That does not make sense to me based on my message from earlier.

    Lindsey

     

    #396875
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    You are welcome. I think that everyone feels “clingy of an emotional level” sometimes, it is about being human. Try to not be bothered about being human (you have no choice on the matter… you are human!).

    The message you sent him was nice and his response was nice as well, nothing to it, as I see it, other than him sending you a smile. Be careful about wanting “more“, more is not necessarily better!

    anita

     

    #396959
    anita
    Participant

    * Correction: “clingy on an emotional level“. I think it’s 10:17 pm where you’re at (7:39 where I’m at, West Cost), good night, Lindsey!

    anita

    #396976
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Good Morning! Wow the West Coat- you are very lucky.  Bloomington, Illinois is not the greatest for weather.

    So this morning my brain was analyzing  and the feelings of wanting “more” may be because there is no conflict in the relationship.  So I’m bored? We have gone over relationship issues with my ex husband and my mother.  There were ups and downs, dysfunction, and emotional issues.  Whenever things were going well around the corner was always a fight.

    This relationship is steady-like a sailboat with no choppy waves; a relaxing ride.

    Maybe this is the issue?

    Lindsey

Viewing 15 posts - 271 through 285 (of 392 total)

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